In-Law Vent

[inaminute]

I just have to say, OP, that you have my sympathies in dealing with your eight year old. He must be a handful if everything he does requires a battle first!

I could not imagine having to fight one of my kids over something as simple as making a "thank you" telephone call on their birthday. It must be really tough dealing with him on a daily basisis.

I'm very sorry that you have to deal with such a difficult child.

 

[aynt79]

Yup it would!! DH and I are both ready to give it back now, and just give DS the moeny, he wouldn't know the difference! But..I don't have to think about it until next year when he is 9, or if she is still around!!

Well, maybe if your lucky she won't be around next year and you will have to find some other petty thing to vent about.

It would have taken 2 minutes to just call and get it over with. It wouldn't have delayed dinner, cake time or transformer time. You vent like you knew how your IL's would act, so why wouldn't you be proactive and just make the call and avoid this entire issue?

 

[JoiseyMom]

I just have to say, OP, that you have my sympathies in dealing with your eight year old. He must be a handful if everything he does requires a battle first!

I could not imagine having to fight one of my kids over something as simple as making a "thank you" telephone call on their birthday. It must be really tough dealing with him on a daily basisis.

I'm very sorry that you have to deal with such a difficult child.

Thanks...he does have his moments..especially at night when the meds have worn off and he is very excited being the center of attention!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Well, maybe if your lucky she won't be around next year and you will have to find some other petty thing to vent about.

It would have taken 2 minutes to just call and get it over with. It wouldn't have delayed dinner, cake time or transformer time. You vent like you knew how your IL's would act, so why wouldn't you be proactive and just make the call and avoid this entire issue?

Hmm...well to you it may be petty..but I think we are allowed to vent over things that frustrate us. And yes..the demands of this women does frustrate me, since it is always something with her. I am entitled to me feelings and won't apologize for them.

And now..it would have taken more then 2 minutes. From the time he got hsi card, I was busy trying to get a cake ready...helping my son with bbqing and getting dinner ready for 5 people, and dealing with conversations from 3 extra people in my house, the dogs going nuts and the in-laws all separately asking about her. An issue in my basement at the time, that had to be dealt with, and thankfully my bil handled it. Getting everyone in the room for the cake, getting cake ready for the 3 people ready to eat it, adn getting the others plates of dinner. There wasn't 2 minutes. And since you don't know my son, and what it would have taken to get his attention away from the other things he was occupied with, no..it wasn't worth it. I know my child..I know my in-laws. My husband wasn't worried about, and it is his family. He had no issue with our DS not calling his great grandmother. He knew he would do it the next day. And he also told his parents she can have the check back!!

Every family sets their priorities and battles. I was not even going to attempt to battle with him to make the phone call. I can't count the number of times I had to have him sit to finish eating his dinner..he was so hyped up. And then the battle for bed time. Those are two battles I had to have, dinner or no cake, and he has to go to bed! A phone call...please...it could wait until the next day. If they didn't like it..well tough. I will do what is best for my son, and I did. And this is an ongoing battle with the in-laws. They just didn't want to deal with the phone call the next day. All they had to do is tell her he will call you within 24 hours, not that night. That woulda been easy!!

 

[Boxley]

Honestly, I have been reading these pots and so far, I am not seeing what the big deal is.

To the OP, you have asserted several times your right to vent, so allow me to reply to your vent, which is well within my right.

I don't see what the big hubbub is about, it seems that you are having a big grudge and going on about really something that has little importance, you can assert your claims that the in-law is a person who expects a lot of things, but then again she is an elderly woman who probably looked forward to your son calling him. Maybe she has nothing else to do and grandkids are a big deal with her. The telephone call wouldn't of been that long besides, he could call the next day,true. So there really isn't anything to freak out about. You are making a big deal out of nothing. There may be drama between you and the in law, but the more you let it bother you, the more grudge there will be.

You will probably reply vehemently to my posts as you have to the others, so let me just type ths. There is no big deal from this, you are making too big of a deal and there is another story to this besides yours, so honestly. Let something like a phone call go, as long as your son calls the next day, there really isn't anything to bark at.

People make allowances for children and the elderly, maybe you should too. I don't know the whole drama situation with this family member, with this only to go on all I can say is..let it go and grow up. The fact that you are replying to almost ever post on here, asserting your right is showing that you are knawing this thing to the bone.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm going to guess that the OPs in-laws are not easy people to deal with and this is just one more thing.

And truthfully, she is right insofar as there should be no expectation that a thank you will be made within 30 seconds of receiving a gift.

You can try and flame the OP all you want, but realistically, if a gift comes with "expectations" then it is no longer a gift, it is an obligation. And truthfully, no one is thankful for obligations.

The best way to handle it is don't engage. Manipulative people (and essentially, this type of behavior is manipulative, since they are trying to manipulate the OP to doing something on their timetable) is best managed by making a decision, making a statement and then restating the statement as many times as necessary until the conversation comes ot a natural end because the manipulator realizes they aren't going to get you to engage with them.

So:

FIL: Why haven't you called my mother yet to thank her?
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But she likes to be called right away
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But that's not acceptable to her
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But she wants a call now
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But then I'm going to hear about it
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: You're like a broken record (and huffs away in disgust)

Mission accomplished!

 

[disykat]

OP, I'm with you! I would not remove my child from his birthday party to have him make a thank you call. I would simply say "we'll call her and thank her" - which is what you did. There is absolutely NO WAY that calling less than 24 hours after receiving a gift could be seen as rude. PERIOD!

I have always thanked promptly, but I have never in my life made an IMMEDIATE phone call to thank an absent giver. Expecting that is totally unrealistic - no matter how old you are.

I'm honestly surprised by all the posters who insist they would have made their child call the great grandmother in the middle of his birthday party.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I don't see what the big hubbub is about, it seems that you are having a big grudge and going on about really something that has little importance, you can assert your claims that the in-law is a person who expects a lot of things, but then again she is an elderly woman who probably looked forward to your son calling him. Maybe she has nothing else to do and grandkids are a big deal with her.

No, she was not looking forward to him calling. She was looking for instant gratification that she did something so grand as to give him a check, and that we must bow and scrape and thank her! She is with this with everything she gives anyone no matter what it is! And yes it is frustrating.

Her great-grandkids are not a big deal to her.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I'm going to guess that the OPs in-laws are not easy people to deal with and this is just one more thing.

And truthfully, she is right insofar as there should be no expectation that a thank you will be made within 30 seconds of receiving a gift.

You can try and flame the OP all you want, but realistically, if a gift comes with "expectations" then it is no longer a gift, it is an obligation. And truthfully, no one is thankful for obligations.

The best way to handle it is don't engage. Manipulative people (and essentially, this type of behavior is manipulative, since they are trying to manipulate the OP to doing something on their timetable) is best managed by making a decision, making a statement and then restating the statement as many times as necessary until the conversation comes ot a natural end because the manipulator realizes they aren't going to get you to engage with them.

So:

FIL: Why haven't you called my mother yet to thank her?
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But she likes to be called right away
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But that's not acceptable to her
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But she wants a call now
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: But then I'm going to hear about it
OP: We'll be calling her within 24 hours
FIL: You're like a broken record (and huffs away in disgust)

Mission accomplished!

LMAO!!! I could see him doing that!! We just usually just nod and do what we want!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Just wondering, so if next year she decides not to send your DS nothing for his birthday will you be on here venting again?

 

[Boxley]

No, she was not looking forward to him calling. She was looking for instant gratification that she did something so grand as to give him a check, and that we must bow and scrape and thank her! She is with this with everything she gives anyone no matter what it is! And yes it is frustrating.

Her great-grandkids are not a big deal to her.

Did she SAY she expect instant gratification or are you placing your assumptions on her? I don't think she is the only one in this problem, it takes two to fight.

Would you complain if she got the kids absolutely nothing? You say that the great grandkids are not a big deal to her, but obviously they must be some part of her mind to send a card. Often, great-grandkids don't send a thing.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

No, she was not looking forward to him calling. She was looking for instant gratification that she did something so grand as to give him a check, and that we must bow and scrape and thank her! She is with this with everything she gives anyone no matter what it is! And yes it is frustrating.

Her great-grandkids are not a big deal to her.

OP I can cut you some slack because my own Grandmother was like that. So I totally know where you are coming from. They just want the praise etc.
However, I didn't feel that was a hill to die on. I personally think it is a small thing to do to keep the peace. So I would have found the time and called. You had your inlaws over. Put them to work. Tell one of them to supervise the bbq. Tell the other to help your ds make the phone call. Problem solved and you don't even have to be involved in it. If you really think about it is it really that big of a deal? I know it is so annoying but in the end it is not the worst thing in the world.
I also wanted to add that not all elderly people are like the ones in Hallmark commercials. Trust me.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Just wondering, so if next year she decides not to send your DS nothing for his birthday will you be on here venting again?

Nope..wouldn't bother me one bit. The only gift she gives them is for their birthday's.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Did she SAY she expect instant gratification or are you placing your assumptions on her? I don't think she is the only one in this problem, it takes two to fight.

Would you complain if she got the kids absolutely nothing? You say that the great grandkids are not a big deal to her, but obviously they must be some part of her mind to send a card. Often, great-grandkids don't send a thing.

No, this is the way she is. I ahve spent the past 15 or so years in this family listening to my in-laws remind us to call her to thank her for anything she has ever done or given us. Even if it was a handme down towel she didn't need anymore. I have even talked to my mil about it, and she says this is the way she has always been.

And no, I wouldn't complain. She has never bought my kids a Chanukah gift and last year DS kinda realized that she didn't give him anything, and we had to explain to him that she doesn't gift for holiday's.

She didn't get him a card. Mil and Fil got him a card, and fil put the check in the card from Mil and Fil. No my kids are not a big deal to her. And from what I gathered from my mil, my husband and bil weren't either. Not that the women doesn';t love them..but they aren't that big of a deal.

 

[Carly_Roach]

No, she was not looking forward to him calling. She was looking for instant gratification that she did something so grand as to give him a check, and that we must bow and scrape and thank her! She is with this with everything she gives anyone no matter what it is! And yes it is frustrating.

Her great-grandkids are not a big deal to her.

Knowing that, you should have refused the gift in the first place.

If this gift came with the obligation to call and thank her between the hours of 6:30pm (receiving the gift) and 8:00pm (bedtime), the right thing to do would have been to say "thank you but no thank you" when the money was offered.

Accepting the money means accepting the obligation. You accepted the money but didn't fulfill the obligation (for whatever reason).

Next year you'll know better and can turn down the "gift". But you should also be prepared to not have your family receive anything from her in the future. Period.

If you're OK with that, then you'll do fine.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP I can cut you some slack because my own Grandmother was like that. So I totally know where you are coming from. They just want the praise etc.
However, I didn't feel that was a hill to die on. I personally think it is a small thing to do to keep the peace. So I would have found the time and called. You had your inlaws over. Put them to work. Tell one of them to supervise the bbq. Tell the other to help your ds make the phone call. Problem solved and you don't even have to be involved in it. If you really think about it is it really that big of a deal? I know it is so annoying but in the end it is not the worst thing in the world.
I also wanted to add that not all elderly people are like the ones in Hallmark commercials. Trust me.

In-laws were there long enough to say high, get everyone together to light the candles, sing, cut cake, eat cake and leave. I wasn't even sure they were coming, since they had things they had to juggle around. Mil was not happy I was having the cake that night to begin with.

And no, it isn't a hill to die on, it was just frustrating, and I vented about it, since at times things are just too much, and I know there is nothing I can do to change them. I know if I tell mil or fil not to tell us when to call or just shut them down, no matter how nicely it is said, it would start a hugh fight. It isn't worth it. We just said yes he would call, and he did. The next day, at our convenience, and when DS was in a frame of mind to have a nice conversation with her. If we had pushed him to call that night, I would have gotten a call the next day about how poorly DS was on the phone!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Knowing that, you should have refused the gift in the first place.

If this gift came with the obligation to call and thank her between the hours of 6:30pm (receiving the gift) and 8:00pm (bedtime), the right thing to do would have been to say "thank you but no thank you" when the money was offered.

Accepting the money means accepting the obligation. You accepted the money but didn't fulfill the obligation (for whatever reason).

Next year you'll know better and can turn down the "gift". But you should also be prepared to not have your family receive anything from her in the future. Period.

If you're OK with that, then you'll do fine.

Well if that is what occurs next year when Fil and Mil give DS the gift from great-grandmother, then we will give it back. Because we will tell them that the thank you phone call will happen within 24 hours.

And I will add that I will do this with any gifts that she decides to gift my family with, since nothing is worth the hassle. But I am sure it will start an even bigger fire storm with them, or at least FIL.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, that's nothing. My in-laws tried to take us to court last year over some money we supposedly "owed" them. To make a long story short, they never took us to court and they never got their $$. We now don't speak to them because of it!

I'd much rather have inlaws like yours than in laws like mine!! You have my sympathy, OP. Good luck to you!

OMG!!! Wow..I am sure there are plenty of other horrible in-law stories!! For the most part I really do like my mil, even though she does drive me crazy..but the kids adore her and she is great to them. She is very generous to the kids with her time and with things they want/need.

It's the gmil and fil that I can do without. I keep teasing my DH, you have it easy, you just have to deal with my brother at times!! Even though my mom did make it hard for him back in the day.

What I do know is this, since I will be a MIL soon myself. I know what NOT to do! I have told my ddil to be that she can shut me down anytime she wants too..but I plan on keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business! How she and my DS plan on living their lives is their business!! I will give advice when asked (and bite my tongue the entire time!!). I adore her though!!

 

[hentob]

OP, I'm with you! I would not remove my child from his birthday party to have him make a thank you call.

I agree.

What kind of grandparent would even WANT their grandchild to stop what they are doing and call

I really have no use for people like that. My children write thank you cards. Always. But, to demand a thank you is crazy.

I would not allow my child to accept a gift from somebody like that. And I would tell the gift giver the reason why we could not possibly accept a gift with such major strings attached. Hey, if you have no respect for me, I have no problem turning around and treating you the same way