I'm so upset - prayers please

[yasmina]

He thinks that as long as I sleep in our bed (with him), all is forgiven ....

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I know that sick awful feeling. Stay strong. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

 

[dmslush]

I hope that you were finally able to get some sleep. After reading the whole thread, I really do think you need to consider your 'escape' plan. If he has such a drinking problem and is so verbally abusive, you and your children don't need to be exposed to that.

 

[DawnCt1]

I am sorry, Hugs to you and a prayer that all with be okay.

 

[izzy]

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your children are being subjected to his horrible behavior. It sounds like the alcohol talking, but that still doesn't make any less hurtful.

Please be strong and know that you have friends on the DIS who support you in whatever decision you make.

 

[N&B'smom]

How are things this morning?

Shelby

 

[hentob]

I don't know what the heck he means by that, except that I said I was NOT ashamed of having the abortion, given the circumstances.

As it should be. You should NOT be ashamed. Nobody knows your reason, and nobody needs to know. Not even him. This happened how many years ago And he still wants you to carry guilt? Shame?

He has issues. HE needs help.



How are you this morning?

 

[Missy Mouse]

May I interject something? You have every right to be open and honest with your daughters, but there is no reason you have to tell them about your abortion. That is a personal, private matter, and not telling them does NOT mean you don't have an open relationship with them. There are just some things that are better kept to the self and should only be shared if the person WANTS to and is comfortable talking about it. My mother disclosed her own abortion from her teenage years and I honestly wish she hadn't. There was no reason I needed to know that information and it didn't benefit our relationship in any way.

As far as the mud slinging with your husband - it sounds like he can't get over his jealousy of your past along with his problems with it. Once you start making comments like that in front of children and dig down to that level of personal, it's hard to forgive and even harder to salvage a marriage. But it sounds like your marriage may have been over for awhile anyway. I'm sorry, OP.

 

[dmslush]

May I interject something? You have every right to be open and honest with your daughters, but there is no reason you have to tell them about your abortion. That is a personal, private matter, and not telling them does NOT mean you don't have an open relationship with them. There are just some things that are better kept to the self and should only be shared if the person WANTS to and is comfortable talking about it. My mother disclosed her own abortion from her teenage years and I honestly wish she hadn't. There was no reason I needed to know that information and it didn't benefit our relationship in any way.

As far as the mud slinging with your husband - it sounds like he can't get over his jealousy of your past along with his problems with it. Once you start making comments like that in front of children and dig down to that level of personal, it's hard to forgive and even harder to salvage a marriage. But it sounds like your marriage may have been over for awhile anyway. I'm sorry, OP.

What a good point to make! You know, DH and I both have things in our past that are, simply put, none of our daughter's business.

 

[yasmina]

I'm doing OK today. Thanks to everyone for your kind support, opinions, and prayers.

He was up early. I heard him moving around, but chose to ignore it. Finally I got up to get some coffee. He put his arms around me and sincerely apologized.

I'm not ready to say that everything is fine again. I just feel numb all over and very sad. We have a full day planned - going to visit our 3 week old granddaughter, color eggs, make Green Potato Salad, put some decorations up, and so on.

After the holiday is over, I plan to have a sane, calm talk with him about the fight and his drinking. He knows how wrong he was, and from past experience with fights, he will behave for a few days.

I'm very tired now, and need to go get a shower and get ready to leave. Maybe I'll try to sneak a nap in later.

Thanks again for everything.

 

[N&B'smom]

I certainly agree, OP. You should not feel like you HAVE to tell your children. But I would imagine at this point if you don't, your DH will at some point, especially if you aren't together anymore.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Shelby

 

[Feralpeg]

Have you considered attending a support group for the spouses of alcoholics? It might help. I'm sure many of them have been through similar circumstances and might be able to help or at least be there to listen. Good luck to you.

 

[fltwinmom]

May I interject something? You have every right to be open and honest with your daughters, but there is no reason you have to tell them about your abortion. That is a personal, private matter, and not telling them does NOT mean you don't have an open relationship with them. There are just some things that are better kept to the self and should only be shared if the person WANTS to and is comfortable talking about it. My mother disclosed her own abortion from her teenage years and I honestly wish she hadn't. There was no reason I needed to know that information and it didn't benefit our relationship in any way.

This was exactly what I was going to say.

Your past is NONE of your daughters' business, and will only hurt them. There is no reason for them to know, what good would it do?

 

[beckmrk04]

I'm doing OK today. Thanks to everyone for your kind support, opinions, and prayers.

He was up early. I heard him moving around, but chose to ignore it. Finally I got up to get some coffee. He put his arms around me and sincerely apologized.
I'm not ready to say that everything is fine again. I just feel numb all over and very sad. We have a full day planned - going to visit our 3 week old granddaughter, color eggs, make Green Potato Salad, put some decorations up, and so on.

After the holiday is over, I plan to have a sane, calm talk with him about the fight and his drinking. He knows how wrong he was, and from past experience with fights, he will behave for a few days.
I'm very tired now, and need to go get a shower and get ready to leave. Maybe I'll try to sneak a nap in later.

Thanks again for everything.

I'm sorry to point this out, but this IS the cycle of abuse.

Build up ---> explosion/fight ----> apologies/promises/good behavior ---> buildup----> repeat.

I hope you can talk to him, and I hope that things work out for you and your children.

 

[mirthmaiden]

I have nothing to add. Just

 

[3jsmommy]

This was exactly what I was going to say.

Your past is NONE of your daughters' business, and will only hurt them. There is no reason for them to know, what good would it do?

ITA w/ this also.
You should not be made to feel by anyone that this is hanging over your head. What you did is your business & NO ONE else's.
I have a VERY close relationship w/ my mom & I do not think knowing something like that would benefit either of us. I don't plan on disclosing every detail of my younger years to my children either.
I think the most important thing you could do for yourself right now is attend alanon meetings & get your self healthy.
You have said you still drink. I am by no means judging you but for your own sake & the sake of your daughters you need to be 100% sober & in control because you will be the only parent right now that is.
Your DD's need you to be the example of self control right now.
You cannot control your DH's behavior, only your own. Getting yourself strong through counseling & support will be the best thing for ALL of you right now.
You are dealing w/ an alcoholic that is very defensive right now & however emotionally abusive he is, regardless if its the alcohol speaking or not it is going to wear you down & affect your daughters emotionally.
I would not let him continue to tangle you in these fights. The only fight you should both be having his w/ his addiction.
after that is dealt w/ you will have to see if you can repair the emotional damage it has caused.
I wish you ALL the peace & strength in the world.
www.alanon.org

 

[Nancyg56]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I believe that prayers are powerful even cyberprayers. I don't really have any advice, alcoholism is so destructive that anyone affected must do what is best to keep themselves and their family safe.

I was married to an alcoholic and it was terrible. I think that some people need to fall down and not have anyone there to pick them up again, that for some they need to know that they are totally responsible for their own actions and that they must make good choices starting Now. Whatever you decide to do please be sure that once you make a decision and tell him don't change your mind. If you make any ultimatums stick to them if he defaults on his end. Once you slide you are giving him permission to go back to his old ways.

 

[KikiFan]

Get. Out. Now. Plain and simple.

It's not just the horrible things he said, though that's inexcusable. It's not just that he said it in front of the kids. That amazingly bad parenting. It's not just the alcohol. All though, he's clearly a man on the edge.

It's all of those things combined. The man has serious issues.

By staying with him you are enabling him to keep functioning as an alcoholic. You are in effect helping him to maintian his life, despite his unwillingness to stick to treatment.

By staying with him, you are submitting yourself to verbal abuse. I'm not not familiar with your posts (I'm sorry) but I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time and I'm really sure it won't be the last.

Worst of all, you are showing your daughters that it is exceptable behavior from a spouse. Is this the model you want them to follow? (would you want your daughter to marry a man that has your husband's issues?) Please think about this. The damage thats being inflicted on your daughters can last a lifetime. Your daughters are already genetically predisposed to be alcoholics, do you want them to be emotionally predisposed as well? Do you want them to unconsciously gravitate to men that are like their father because that's all they know?

I'm sorry I know this post comes across as kind of harsh. But I honestly, am worried about you and your daughters. I've seen too many of my adult friends deal with the after effects of life with an alcoholic parent. Even now your daughters will need help dealing with this - what happens in another year, five years?

 

[Disneylover79]

 

[Liberty Belle]

Clearly he needs immediate help. I think he probably lashed out at you and screamed about your "more horrible offense" (in his eyes or perhaps he thinks it is in yours) because he feels so awful about himself.

Use how you felt last night (read over your posts) to be strong and do what you have to do to get him help. It can't end anywhere but bad if it continues. I'd ask to go with him to see his psychologist and you both can explain to her what happened. She'll probably know the best course of action to take next.

Your love, daughters, life are worth saving. I'm sure you know how badly your daughters are being affected by his alcoholism, even if they don't realize it (but most likely they do).