I'm so upset - prayers please

[Mkrop]

I am so sorry you have to through this yasmina

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

I am so sorry for your heartache. What your husband said was inexcusable.

Have you considered marriage counseling? It seems both of you have some unresolved issues. It also sounds like you are still hurting from your father's death. Talking with an impartial third party may help bring some of the issues to a closure.

Also, you mentioned that you are also drinking too much since your father's death, although you believe that you don't have to drink. Would it be possible for both of you to attend AA together? You could support each other. Although you both have different levels of drinking, you could go to support him and he could go to support you.

Good Luck and hope things work out!

 

[RNMOM]

Just checking in. You are getting a lot of good advice here.

I agree with alanon. Educate and empower yourself.

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

Clearly he needs immediate help. I think he probably lashed out at you and screamed about your "more horrible offense" (in his eyes or perhaps he thinks it is in yours) because he feels so awful about himself.

This is exactly what I was thinking too. He feels as though he hit rock bottom and he wants to drag you right down there with him. I know you feel like you've been on a whirlwind emotional rollercoaster (from you-know-where) and are probably just so relieved that things have calmed down for the moment, even if you know it's only temporarily. I'm so sorry. I hope you can find the right thing to do.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

I've read through most of this thread, and I agree that your husband needs serious help, as, I think, do you at this point in time. It sounds like you could both benefit enormously from counseling, alone and together. I'm so sorry for all of the pain you are going through right now.

I have one thought, and while I am in no way excusing the manner in which your husband spoke to you, I am wondering if his focus on your past abortion is because he is afraid that one of your daughters might do the same one day. I'm basing this on two things you wrote that he said - one was that he said he felt like you wear it like a badge of honor, and the other was the comment about it being a form of birth control. Just an observation from a complete outsider, something to consider.

 

[PlainJane]

If you do decide to go to couple's counseling, make sure that he's not pulling the wool over that councilor's eyes too. For my parents counseling didn't work because my father is very good at getting people on his side. I'm not saying you shouldn't try counseling, but be very careful when selecting one.

I don't really feel comfortable giving any other advice, considering I'm not even married, but I will be praying for you.

 

[angel*lady]

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get help for yourself and your girls! It is imperative that you put them first! I also agree that you need to stop drinking. Since you recognize that you have been using it as a crutch since your Dad died is good - please act upon it! Your girls need a mom who is totally "present" 24/7 since their dad is not.

This hits so close to home for me! My mother would get drunk and lash out using us as her verbal punching bag. She was acting out her fears and anxieties but damaged my brother and I in ways that we still deal with today (We are in our 30's and 40's). She would rage for hours at night and the next morning act as if nothing happened. We have also had her in rehab but she ultimately chose the alcohol over us. My dad would not leave her and has spent most of our adult lives protecting us from her. He is a wonderful and honorable man but I wish that he had left her long ago. It might have forced her to get her life together. Also, since he works so hard to protect us from her we don't see him very often. It has robbed him of a closer relationship with his children and grandchildren.

Your husband's apologetic behavior this morning is just classic! I'm sure you have seen it before if he has been in and out of rehab 3 times and is close to losing his job because of chronic alcohol problems. Don't try to change him - change yourself and how you deal with him and protect those precious girls! They need to understand what their father's problem is (at an age appropriate level). Trust me - there is nothing worse that not understanding there is a problem and having really hateful, vile things said to you by a parent. A child believes what a parent says as truth because they see that parent as their protector who would never do anything to hurt them. You need to help them understand that they do not deserve that treatment. Perhaps at this time you are his only target. That is just as bad because you are teaching them to be victims and it is just a matter of time before they will become his targets as well.

You are in my prayers and I hope that you find the strength to do what is best for your girls.

 

[Disney Doll]

Some things that come to my mind from reading your posts:

1. You need to ignore all the asinine things your DH says when he is drunk. Drunks are generally stupid, and anything they say when they are drunk really is just the stupid talking. I have had alcoholics in my family, and have worked on a nursing unit where we do the medical part of alcohol detox. Believe me when I tell you, if I believed everything all the drunks I have ever encountered said to me, I'd be in an insane asylum.

2. You need to stop drinking. You say you are drinking more than you think you should since your dad died, but that you don't need to drink every day like he does. So stop. Your children need one parent who is sober at all times and can think with a clear head.

3. You need to speak with a counselor to assist you in deciding what is best way to handle this for you to do for you and your children. And I mean that. At this point in time, since your DH is an "unrepentant alcoholic", you can't worry about him. You need to worry about yourself & your children.

4. You need to think about leaving & seriously discuss it with a counselor. For both your own mental helath and more importantly, the mental health of your children. Your children are already genetically predisposed to alcoholism. You don't want them to get the message that your husband's behavior is acceptable. And by having this huge blow-ups where there are all sorts of horrible things said, and then life goes back to "normal", what they are seeing is a man treating his wife like crap is OK. Is that the message you want to send?

5. You need to think about your household. If you leave, where will you go? How will you earn a living? What are your assets? What is your retirement? Who is responsible for what bills? Are your credit cards joint? You might want to see a lawyer, who can answer these questions. Leaving someone takes some planning if you have time to plan and don't feel as if you are in immediate physical danger. You need to prepare to be the sole support of your children, since if you do leave, your DH will probably go down the tubes fast.

6. You need to document as much as you can about your DH's behavior, his past rehab stints, his close calls with regard to losing his job, these kinds of fights that take place in front of your children. It may come in handly later.

7. You need to realize that your children do not need to hear every single thing you have ever done that you may not be proud of now. As a matter-of-fact, I probably wouldn't ever tell them about having an abortion...at least not until they were grown and had a fuller understanding of life. Look what happened when you over-shared with your DH...it gets thrown back in your face. There are some things that are fine to keep private. There are things my DH doesn't know about my past, there are things I am quite sure I don't know about DH's past. And that is fine.

8. Forgive yourself for the abortion. You made what you thought was the best decision at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20.

You will be in my thoughts, as you work through these difficult times.

 

[LSchrow]

you've received a lot of good advice, just wanted to emphasize how important it is that you take care of yourself & the girls first..if he can't find his way out of this hole & stay with treatment, look at your girls really hard, grab them, & get the heck out. as others have said, without treatment this is just going to happen again & again & again, the words might change, it might be one of your DDs that angers him, but it will happen.
he has to finally decide what he wants more, your beautiful family or oblivion.

do you have family or friends nearby that you can stay with for a few days, or that you can get strength from? btw, don't worry about people who love you judging you. just as i'm sure you would want to be there for them, allow them to be there for you. at the very least, pls see if there are any al-anon mtgs (for families of alcoholics) in your area. they've helped a lot of ppl.

stay strong, hon ~ we're here for you

laurie s

 

[jobhunter]

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you will seriously consider getting out, as it seems he has had many chance to change and does not want to. As the saying goes, If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten. He has not changed so far, so you need to protect your girls. I agree his behavior has all the classic signs of abuse, and alcohol is no excuse to allow him to do that to all of you.
I wish you all the best of luck.

 

[Alaska DogCat]

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your children. You need to be the person your kids can respect and if your DH (D standing for something very different than Dear or Disney) can't help you do that, you need out. Best of luck.

 

[MoniqueU]

I wouldn't of even put up with the farce of a happy easter. Some things are inexcusable. And the longer you put off doing something about it the worse it will get for your girls and yourself. You need to get some backbone and put your kids first if you can't put yourself first. My step dad was an awful binge drinker. Fine for months and then just out of the blue would flip out. I can't tell you the damage that did to me and that was just a few times a year. I have been the "happy" drunk in front of my kids and done some silly stuff which they won't let me live down and of course they remember that and I am sure that affected them negatively even though all was good and we were having a good time. It makes me feel bad and I haven't been that way in many years but yet it is still there. Never mind what booze and a nasty fight or horrible comments would do.

I really don't have that much advice about the logistics, I just know I wouldn't put up with all that and would of not gone through a normal day or weekend even. Saturday is a great day to be apartment hunting and that's what I would of done today.

 

[shortbun]

At this point it seems clear that you need to take care of YOU and your children. I mean you need to get some help, get healthy, get them in a more healthy environment and make sure they do not blame themselves for what is spinning around them. As a child of heavily drinking parents, I was so greatful when my mother cleaned up her act and even late in my childhood gave me a good look at what sobriety and recovery could accomplish. Because of her bravery, I have given my son a safe childhood. I must remember to thank her tomorrow. Good luck to you! We are always here.

 

[cccm]

Disney Doll has great advice. DSister planned and got everything in order before she left her husband. Finance, legal and emotional. Her husband was an alcoholic and nearly killed someone. He has supervised visitation rights and the girls can't go in a car with him.

I would get to a counselor immediately and then a lawyer who can work with you on finance's and legal matters.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

Everyone here has given great advice but it's hard for us to help you much beyond this. You need to talk to someone who knows you in real life who is trained in this matters. OP, at this point I think you need to get yourself to your pastor. He/she would be a great person to talk to and they will no doubt direct you to the proper resources that you need (Al-anon, marriage counsellor, psychologist, etc.)

 

[DearDaisyinDurham]

Get. Out. Now. Plain and simple.

It's not just the horrible things he said, though that's inexcusable. It's not just that he said it in front of the kids. That amazingly bad parenting. It's not just the alcohol. All though, he's clearly a man on the edge.

It's all of those things combined. The man has serious issues.

By staying with him you are enabling him to keep functioning as an alcoholic. You are in effect helping him to maintian his life, despite his unwillingness to stick to treatment.

By staying with him, you are submitting yourself to verbal abuse. I'm not not familiar with your posts (I'm sorry) but I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time and I'm really sure it won't be the last.

Worst of all, you are showing your daughters that it is exceptable behavior from a spouse. Is this the model you want them to follow? (would you want your daughter to marry a man that has your husband's issues?) Please think about this. The damage thats being inflicted on your daughters can last a lifetime. Your daughters are already genetically predisposed to be alcoholics, do you want them to be emotionally predisposed as well? Do you want them to unconsciously gravitate to men that are like their father because that's all they know?

I'm sorry I know this post comes across as kind of harsh. But I honestly, am worried about you and your daughters. I've seen too many of my adult friends deal with the after effects of life with an alcoholic parent. Even now your daughters will need help dealing with this - what happens in another year, five years?

People who have these issues don't change. They blame it on others around them. Do you want to be with someone who is nice or kind only when others are tiptoeing around them? Do you want your daughters with someone like that? Because they are with someone like that, until you leave.

Please check out the websites for domestic violence. When you take their checklists and start finding out what applies in your situation, you may be so shocked to find out that emotional and verbal abuse is ABUSE.

There will always be a holiday, a special occasion or such that makes you say, oh I don't want to leave on this or that date. But it will NOT get better only worse and sad to say I have been in this boat and did not leave until he threatened my life. I only pray you won't wait that long. Sending prayers.

 

[L107ANGEL]

any word from the OP today?

 

[mickeyboat]

Denae

 

[Trish Bessette]

OP - hope things are well with you. We are here if you need to chat. Take care of yourself!

 

[ndelaware]

Your husband is a butthead with inadequacy issues. Hence the "you just had to f*** him, didn't you. you had no other choice". statement. I guess when he was out doing the same thing it was ok in his mind. Dump this loser, you're better off without him.