"I'm not trying to be mean but...."

[AprilShowers]

Why do people think it's ok to say mean things if they preface it with this statement?

If you didn't think it was a mean thing to say, then you wouldn't need to preface it with "I hope you don't think I"m being mean, but...... or I'm not trying to be mean, but.......or not to be mean, but....."

 

[Pugsley]

I agree. But my personal favorite is "No offense, but..." This just lets you know in advance that they are definitely going to offend you.

 

[diznygirl]

Sometimes the truth hurts, but it needs to be said. Like, "I'm not trying to be mean, but that outfit makes you look like my grandma!"

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

Or "Don't take this the wrong way. . ."

Oops. Sorry. Already did.

I taught speech and theatre. I'd always struggle with my kids who would start their speech in front of class saying something like, "Ok, it's not very good, but . . ."

 

[just4today]

Because a lot of times when people ask for opinions what they really want is for people to agree with them. If you know you're going to say something that the OP will interpret as "mean" sometimes you just want to let the OP know that what you're saying isn't meant to be taken that way. But they probably will anyway because too many precious snowflakes have been brought up to think they are perfect in every way and anybody who doesn't agree must be mean.

 

[AprilShowers]

Because a lot of times when people ask for opinions what they really want is for people to agree with them. If you know you're going to say something that the OP will interpret as "mean" sometimes you just want to let the OP know that what you're saying isn't meant to be taken that way. But they probably will anyway because too many precious snowflakes have been brought up to think they are perfect in every way and anybody who doesn't agree must be mean.

Oh, sorry misunderstanding! I wasn't refering to anything here in cyberspace. But this happened to me yesterday in real life. An opinion wasn't asked for, or needed at the time. Just a mean comment was made. I guess she feels better! LOL

 

[Chicago526]

I think it's one of those things that just depends on the context of the situation. Some people will be giving well meaning advice or input, but it could come across as just being mean. It's not intended to be mean, so we say "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings; I'm not trying to be mean; No offence but..." because we want the person we're talking to to hear the advice, and not get bogged down in "What do you mean I'm _____. How dare you say that!"

Other times, people use it as an excuse to be...well...just plain mean and say whatever crosses their minds with no consequences.

 

[FireDancer]

I think too often the truth is sacrificed just so you don't hurt someone's feelings. The little intro of "no offense" or "I'm not trying to be mean but..." is probably just the speakers way to soften the blow and prepare the listener (or reader) that they might not like what they are about to hear. Even though it is a second or two even that short time takes the sting out of it.

If someone asks me something they will get the unfiltered truth everytime. If someone looks terrible in something and asks if they look good in it, I won't say yes just to please them as I would see that as untruthful. If you ask me an opinion you will get it bluntly, good or bad. I have yet to every find a reason not to be 100% honest in all you say.

 

[MineMail]

Yep, the pre-excuse on a message board is often a signal to stop reading, lol.
It's really not the preface that matters - it's what comes after it.

Some people use it geniunely - they're really are trying to avoid offending or insulting someone by pointing something out.

Then there are other people who regularly start their sentences with phrases like that before they do exactly what they *claim* they're trying to avoid.

I remember someone on another board who used it CONSTANTLY and without fail, her post was rude, obnoxious, insulting and/or critical. There was no "ignore" feature, so I had to train myself to not read her posts because she rarely said anything nice. I just refused to respond.

In real life, most people use it correctly - to deliver an observation or comment that may not be received well.

 

[disykat]

My 14 year old does this and we stop him right in his tracks. Usually that statement is followed by something that simply doesn't need to be said, like "you look fat today."

There is a time for honesty and there's a time to learn to keep your mouth shut.

 

[KristaTX]

I love watching him, but this totally reminds me of Simon Cowell. "No offense, but you are the absolute worst singer in the world and should go hide under a rock and never come out again."

Okay, he didn't really say that, but he has been known to say stuff like that . When Simon says "No offense", he's really saying, "I'm gonna offend you and I don't care". However, he has really toned it down on American Idol, at least in the beginning stages with the really bad singers who appear to be somewhat emotionally fragile. I like his honesty, but I didn't like seeing those people have their self-esteem destroyed.

 

[AprilShowers]

Sometimes the truth hurts, but it needs to be said. Like, "I'm not trying to be mean, but that outfit makes you look like my grandma!"

I know you're just using the grandma thing as an example, but why do those things HAVE to be said? Are most people OK with hurting others' feelings nowadays?

Another question: For those of you who think it's ok to say something mean after prefacing with "I'm not trying to be mean but...." Do you really think it will soften the blow? And if not, do you care if someone's feelings are hurt?

I'm asking these questions because I'm curious of the thought process, and if we, as a community think honesty trumps feelings (in general) of course there are special circumstances everywhere.
What do you think?

 

[MushyMushy]

I'll say something similar online once in a while when I realize that what I say can be taken badly. I want to be honest, but if the reader is trying to read it in a kinder tone, it's not as bad.

But seeing that people TAKE offense just by seeing "not to be... snarky, sarcastic, offensive or whatever" that they WILL take offense, then what? I'll probably still say it just hoping they won't take it in a sarcastic way.

Make sense?

 

[TTFN]

In the South you hear "bless your heart" before of after the statement. "Bless your heart, you're never gonna drop that weight, are you?". It can also be used talking about a third person: "That baby looks like a monkey, bless it's heart".

 

[RadioNate]

I know you're just using the grandma thing as an example, but why do those things HAVE to be said? Are most people OK with hurting others' feelings nowadays?

Another question: For those of you who think it's ok to say something mean after prefacing with "I'm not trying to be mean but...." Do you really think it will soften the blow? And if not, do you care if someone's feelings are hurt?

I'm asking these questions because I'm curious of the thought process, and if we, as a community think honesty trumps feelings (in general) of course there are special circumstances everywhere.
What do you think?

Well they don't HAVE to be said. But I sure would like a friend to tell me if something looked bad on me. I take saying something like "I'm not trying to be mean" to mean that they don't really want to upset you but they thought you should hear the truth. It shows some consideration for your feelings. People who don't care at all wouldn't care if you thought they were trying to be mean or not, they would just tell you that your clothes (or whatever) were ugly.

On message boards, I think it is used to help convey tone. Things can easily come across harshly or rude when that isn't really the intention. It also is used a lot when you know the OP isn't going to really like what you have to say. A lot of time people can take posts that disagree or are blunt to be 'attacks' when they really aren't. They are just frank and not what you wanted to hear.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

I don't see the issue with it.

People seem to be way too sensitive to any feedback. You see posts here and other sites all the time where they ask for an opinion and then act all offended when other people don't see eye to eye.

The "I am not trying to be mean" at least is an attempt to defuse it.

 

[diznygirl]

I know you're just using the grandma thing as an example, but why do those things HAVE to be said? Are most people OK with hurting others' feelings nowadays?

Another question: For those of you who think it's ok to say something mean after prefacing with "I'm not trying to be mean but...." Do you really think it will soften the blow? And if not, do you care if someone's feelings are hurt?

I'm asking these questions because I'm curious of the thought process, and if we, as a community think honesty trumps feelings (in general) of course there are special circumstances everywhere.
What do you think?

Well, do you WANT to look like my grandma? (Who was a lovely person, but did favor the sweater vests and polyester pants).

It's not about hurting feelings - it's about being honest. Why does it have to be said at all? Because there are some things you just have to know. Got a body odor problem? Bad dancer and you just haven't a clue? Just got the reverse mullet?

Would you rather be walking around oblivious?

Of course, sometimes people ARE just being mean. But what about the other times?

 

[Darsa]

Around here the term that strikes dread in our hearts is "I thought you should know" followed by something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the person saying whatever it is he/she thought you should know. I wanted to slap silly (nooo, not really, sheesh) the two kids who've done this to my DD and her boyfriend; interestingly enough the two are dating.

I totally agree with the OP; my motto is "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all". I heard that somewhere once...

 

[KiminChicago]

I was raised to evaluate any personal comments in three ways:

First, is it true?

Second, is it kind?

Third, is it necessary?

So, looking at it that way, unless a person has specifically asked me to give an honest opinion, if I have to start with the words "no offense but...." then whatever I was going to say probably violates one of those three criteria.

If I wasn't asked my opinion, then it's probably not needed. If I was asked for an opinion, but my opinion was negative, then it would be up to me to find a way to put a kinder, more positive spin on it.

And obviously, if I'm going to lie, then I probably shouldn't say anything at all!

 

[darlak]

For me the bigger question is why do people ask for opinions if they don't want to hear honest answers?

If someone's looking to have a little sunshine blown their way, shouldn't they say "I'm feeling a little insecure about _____ and really need someone to make me feel better about it."

At least that tells you right up front that this is one of those instances where a little white lie might be warranted. Posed as a question, you can't fault someone for being honest.