"I'm not trying to be mean but...."

[Rora]

i agree. But my personal favorite is "no offense, but..." this just lets you know in advance that they are definitely going to offend you.

biggest pet peeve ever!!

 

[amy4bruce]

Ahem. The proper response to that is, "For someone who doesn't want to be mean, you sure are good at it." Or, "Then why are you saying it?" Or the ever popular, "You've gotten me confused with someone who gives a (choose word) about your opinion."

If they really wanted to be mean, this tells them that you don't care and they can't hurt you.

Naturally, there are dozens of variations on the above. Use what you're comfortable with.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

Why do people think it's ok to say mean things if they preface it with this statement?

If you didn't think it was a mean thing to say, then you wouldn't need to preface it with "I hope you don't think I"m being mean, but...... or I'm not trying to be mean, but.......or not to be mean, but....."

This is my biggest pet peeve here on the Dis. You can guarantee anything that has those words before are going to be exactly that...mean. I think people do that to absolve themselves of any responsibility of what they are about to say.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Why do people think it's ok to say mean things if they preface it with this statement?

If you didn't think it was a mean thing to say, then you wouldn't need to preface it with "I hope you don't think I"m being mean, but...... or I'm not trying to be mean, but.......or not to be mean, but....."

We call those the But Monkey People. You know who you are . We have several friends on the But Monkey list. We're usually prepared-the minute we hear "but" we shout "But Monkey"!!!

In the South you hear "bless your heart" before of after the statement. "Bless your heart, you're never gonna drop that weight, are you?". It can also be used talking about a third person: "That baby looks like a monkey, bless it's heart".

Oh yeah, that's a powerful weapon around here. When I go back north to visit relatives they have no idea how cruel it is to say that. Also, if a southerner uses the word "precious" what they're really saying is "looks like poop."

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I'm currently struggling with this at my house. DD9 has discovered the phrase...no offense BUT...and won't stop. She thinks it's free reign to say anything and everything that's on her mind. " No offense BUT your breath stinks" ...."No offense BUT I hate that shirt"....No offense BUT.... you get the picture. My standard response is...well, I'm offended anyway. Do you feel better now that you've said it? She's slowly getting the idea..but 9 yr olds can be somewhat selfabsorbed.

 

[MineMail]

I agree - if someone is just looking for validation, say that clearly; don't ask for advice or opinions and get upset when people reply.

For me the bigger question is why do people ask for opinions if they don't want to hear honest answers?

Yep - I have a former friend who used to do this all the time, both online and in person. She'd ask for opinions and advice about every little thing she wanted to buy, then she'd pick apart everyone's answers, saying that it "just won't work" for her situation. After months of dragging out her fact-gathering, including buying/returning multiple appliances because they "weren't right," she would just go ahead and buy what she wanted in the first place and then would never admit it wasn't what she needed.

I finally got fed up after I gave being told yet again told that I was wrong because her situation's special. The only thing special was her need for attention and wanting people to justify a foolish purchase. She NEVER took the advice of anyone who disagreed with her original idea.

 

[teacherforhi]

While I don't really like the phrase, I've used a few times myself when dealing with students. I had one that a serious body odor problem. It eventually got to the point that other kids would refuse to sit near her. I tried having the guidance counselor come in and talk to the whole class. I contacted the parents (who weren't much help). I finally had to sit the child down and have a frank discussion.

I really wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to help her; it was just a very delicate problem.

 

[Stacerita]

In the South you hear "bless your heart" before of after the statement. "Bless your heart, you're never gonna drop that weight, are you?". It can also be used talking about a third person: "That baby looks like a monkey, bless it's heart".

 

[Feej]

No offense, but that is the most stupid looking "smilie" I've ever seen.

/jk

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I can see it as good or bad---

Bad:

Someone is just a witch and thinks that this softens the blow...

"I'm not trying to be mean--but those pants make you look like a whale"

Yeah--okay--thanks!



Good:
(say person is complaining about something not going right or whatever...and as a friend you are trying to offer constructive criticism/feedback that might hurt their feelings but it is much needed for them to get over their hump)

"I'm not trying to be mean--but have you considered that maybe the reason that person doesn't like you is b/c you constantly put them down"

--i.e you aren't trying to be mean--and you are sensitive to their hurt, but you and everyone else knows that there is a reason that something might be happening and they just dont' know it.


Some people will think you are mean regardless of what you say---the key is in HOW you saying things and the phrase you are talking about can make it sound nasty or make it sound as though you are trying to be considerate of their feelings while telling them a painful truth.

 

[Redheaded Sunshine]

Hopefully I'm in the majority in this one, but I've always found if one needs to preface a statement with the phrase "No offense" or "I'm not trying to be mean" they should just keep it to themselves in the first place.

Sure there are things that YOU feel that you should say, but attempting to excuse yourself from being offensive doesn't make it any less hurtful to another person.

 

[Aisling]

If someone says to me "I'm not trying to be mean, but...", I'd guess they think I'll take it as being mean when that's not the intention. Sometimes we accuse people of being mean when they're just being honest.

Me: Do I look fat in this dress?
Meanie: Yes, you look like a whale.
I'm Not Trying To Be Mean, But...: Yes, you look fat in that dress. Do you have another one to try on?

See the difference? "I" might think both are mean, so the one has to preface it to avoid me misunderstanding the honest intent.


Same thing with "No offense". = "I want to tell you the truth which may offend you, but that's not my intention...I'm only wanting to be honest with you."

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

If anybody else is watching Project Runway, watch Tim Gunn when he critiques a dress.

He NEVER uses the word "but", instead using delicate phrasing to tell people that their creation, is, in fact, crap.

The man's a genius at killing people softly with his song

 

[AprilShowers]

Hopefully I'm in the majority in this one, but I've always found if one needs to preface a statement with the phrase "No offense" or "I'm not trying to be mean" they should just keep it to themselves in the first place.

Sure there are things that YOU feel that you should say, but attempting to excuse yourself from being offensive doesn't make it any less hurtful to another person.

I think you've hit the nail on the head! Some other posters have said it as well. If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing.

Some folks here are getting real life mixed up with cyberspace. I am talking about people in REAL life who were NOT asked for opinions. I think there's a HUGE difference in asking for an opinion and just being given one. (that isn't nice)
Kiminchicago put it well with her three rules I try to follow that logic.

 

[metime]

I can sit and take every grain of unsavory opinion or fact and wrap it up in bows and sugar coat it but then it loses most meaning.

I think when people say "I am not trying to be mean..." they know what they are saying can be taken as that way and it did cross their mind so they are trying to let you know that they are saying what they really think.

If someone asks me my opinion I really genuinely give it.

I harken to the show "What Not to Wear" Some people will think Stacy and Clinton are mean when they are just blunt and honest. Some times the only way to get the point across is to be direct.

The person gettting the makeover always talks about how mean Stacy and Clinton are being at the start of the show and by the end we all know it was not "mean" but the truth. It was the truth that none of their friends or family could get accross.

If you want a sugar coated watered down opinion then ask your husband or others who are more concerned about your feelings than honesty. It seems if you are that offended by someone being direct then you should never ask anyone their opinion or share in a public format because they may just be honest and chances are they don't know you so their opinion will be more blunt.

Most of the time I find when people are so offended by what some one has said it is because it was the truth and they didn't want to hear it.

If I tell you something that is way off base and just plain mean there will be a ton of other rational posters who will jump in and say so. You have to give credit to the masses that most people will comment on blatent meaness even if it is preceded by "I am not trying to be mean..."

 

[metime]

I can sit and take every grain of unsavory opinion or fact and wrap it up in bows and sugar coat it but then it loses most meaning.

I think when people say "I am not trying to be mean..." they know what they are saying can be taken as that way and it did cross their mind so they are trying to let you know that they are saying what they really think.

If someone asks me my opinion I really genuinely give it.

I harken to the show "What Not to Wear" Some people will think Stacy and Clinton are mean when they are just blunt and honest. Some times the only way to get the point across is to be direct.

The person gettting the makeover always talks about how mean Stacy and Clinton are being at the start of the show and by the end we all know it was not "mean" but the truth. It was the truth that none of their friends or family could get accross.

If you want a sugar coated watered down opinion then ask your husband or others who are more concerned about your feelings than honesty. It seems if you are that offended by someone being direct then you should never ask anyone their opinion or share in a public format because they may just be honest and chances are they don't know you so their opinion will be more blunt.

Most of the time I find when people are so offended by what some one has said it is because it was the truth and they didn't want to hear it.

If I tell you something that is way off base and just plain mean there will be a ton of other rational posters who will jump in and say so. You have to give credit to the masses that most people will comment on blatent meaness even if it is preceded by "I am not trying to be mean..."

I thought the OP was talking about online forums. I would never give anyone my opinion if they didn't ask. I can also tell when people are asking a question and saying they want honesty but they really are seeking affirmation which I won't give for the sake of it. I don't feel I always need to be nice or silent, but I do feel I need to be honest. When asked I always give the truth even if it makes things uncomfortable.

My personal theory is if they are asking at all they are ready for the answer and while I try to be sensative, I don't stay silent simply because someone won't like the truth. My answer is simply my opinion and of someone wants to label it as mean then that is their perception. But if they don't ask me it isn't my place to say anything unless it is my husband or children than I will give my opinion freely.

 

[just4today]

I thought the OP was talking about online forums. I would never give anyone my opinion if they didn't ask.

Well, the OP didn't clarify that until post #6. It seems the OP is asking about two different things: prefacing a comment with "I'm not trying to be mean..." and offering opinions that are not solicited. I would have pointed this out earlier, but I didn't want anybody to think I was being mean.

 

[Carly_Roach]

This is my biggest pet peeve here on the Dis. You can guarantee anything that has those words before are going to be exactly that...mean. I think people do that to absolve themselves of any responsibility of what they are about to say.

I absolutely agree. People are trying to absolve themselves of any responsibility for what they say regardless of whatever is said and whether it's on the internet or in real life. And if you are offended or put off by what they said, they then say, "Well, I SAID I wasn't trying to be mean" and it becomes your fault you're offended.

Whenever someone IRL prefaces their remarks with one of those disclaimers, I cut them right off. And I'm someone who hates to interrupt people.

"I'm not trying to be mean, but...."

Then don't.

"I know it's none of my business but...."

You're right - it's not.

"I don't want to sound like an evil person but...."

Then stop talking right now.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Reminds me of a scene from the cinematic classic, "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby":


Ricky insults his team owner, Mr. Dennit, but prefaces it with "With All Due Respect":

Mr. Dennit: What did you say? What was that?

Ricky: Well, what? I said, "With all due respect."

Mr. Dennit: That doesn't mean you get to say whatever you wanna say to me!

Ricky: It sure as heck does!

Mr. Dennit: No, it doesn't.

Ricky: It's in the Geneva Convention! Look it up!

 

[KiminChicago]

I'm not sure I understand what the difference is between online and real life?

Unless someone is asking for opinions, sometimes a vent is just a vent and the poster is just looking for a little sympathy. It just seems like these days people equate "being honest" with bludgeoning (sp?) someone with a negative opinion. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar as the old saying goes.....