I'm just sick over this...

[mistymouse5001]

My DS (13) has had a lot of money lately. He gets money from relatives and he "works" for his uncle and earns some money. I didn't think much of him having money because it didn't seem like he was spending an overabundance of it, just what he gets from those sources. He's been going out to eat with his friends and telling me that he picks up the tab sometimes and they buy other times. They aren't going to expensive places, but places like Friendly's, Pizza Hut and a local diner.

So, I've been talking to people who are telling me that he always has a lot of cash when he's out and he likes to flaunt it. I had given him $30 to go to an amusement park on Tuesday with a church group. My youngest sister went with him and said he had well over $100 with him. He claimed that he had $52 when I asked him about it.

I spoke to his friend's mother last night and she told me that he had a wad of cash at the local carnival. She was concerned about his safety since he wasn't subtle about taking the cash from his pocket. It was during that conversation that I found out that his friends don't buy when they go out to dinner. My DS picks up the tab ALL THE TIME since he's the only one who ever has money. He also buys them things in the shops around town.

So, when DH got home last night, I told him about these concerns. It was around 10:30 and our DS was supposed to sleep over this friend's house, but when my DH checked his stash of cash he found that our DS had stolen over $6,000 from us. Money that was well hidden. (Why DH had so much cash in the house is beyond me and the rest has been deposited in the bank this morning.) We called DS and told him he was coming home now.

He denied stealing the cash but as we pressed him, he finally admitted that he'd taken it $100 at a time. He hasn't confessed as to why he did it other than to tell us that he didn't know whose money it was (DUH!) and he told me this morning that he took it because sometimes I make him mad (again, DUH! I'm his mother and it's not my job to make him happy by giving him his own way 100% of the time.) He's remorseful now because he's in trouble.

I told him that he's broken our trust and that if he'd stolen from someone else he'd be sitting in jail right now. He's in his room right now. We told him that we're going to setup an account into which he can accumulate the money that he stole from us. He told us to take the money from his college savings. Yeah, like that's going to happen. That's just more money that we saved for him to make things easier later. He claims that he's going to go to a military academy so he won't need money for college. I explained to him last night how few people make it into these academies and their grades are much better than what he's bringing home.

Basically, he's got an answer for everything except for why he did this.

If you've read this far, thank you. I feel like I've babbled through my venting.

Here's the bottom line... aside from making him repay this money, what other punishments do you suggest that we lay upon him? I'm thinking service hours/community service at a soup kitchen along with grounding him. This has just hit too close to home for me to think clearly and fairly about it.

I am so sorry this happened to you. That is so much money! I stole $2
in quarters from my sister one tim and my mom spanked me for an hour and then grounded me for 6 weeks. I don't know what you can do but I feel just awful about it happening to you. The poor kid must feel bad about ti right?

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

I'm really sorry too. When I first read your post I instantly went back in time when my cousin was nearly beaten to death for flashing a fifty dollar bill around his "friends". He spent a long time in a hospital.

It's hard being a parent. You got a lot of good advice, the best being to talk to a professional. I liked the idea of selling off the toys to pay off the 6000. Everytime one sells, you can subtract it from the balance owed. He will see how long it takes to pay off 6000.

 

[RUDisney]

He is admitting more and more to us as the day goes on. He said he started taking money in May, so Dairyou is right, it is about $1,500 per month. He also told us that some "friends" asked him once, twice, three times per day for money and he'd give it to them. Ugh! Sometimes when I ask DH or he asks me for money we have to tell the other to go to the ATM because we don't have it on us, but DS can give it to so-called friends.

I asked DS about drugs and he patently denies it. I've never noticed anything weird going on with his eyes and I help him with his contacts a lot since he has a hard time getting the second one in his eye once the first one's in. I've also never smelled a 'burning hair' smell on his clothes. He's agreed to take a drug test if the therapist wants him to do that.

OTOH, he told me that he confessed to one of his friends yesterday about taking money from us and that he was planning to tell us about it. I asked DH if he was born yesterday because I wasn't. Frankly, if he'd told this particular friend about what he'd done, I think that friend would have come to me immediately, because he's come to me when DS has done other things.

As I'm sitting at the computer, he came in to me to ask if he could hug me. I let him do that and the water works started when I told him again how disappointed we are in him and how he's broken our hearts. If nothing else, he's done a lot of thinking today about right and wrong.

 

[MontanaZoo]

You're doing great, hang in there.

 

[rie'smom]

I agree with a lot of the advice but I don't agree with the home jail type of punishment. With some kids this is like an invitation to sneak out of the house. He has to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You posted that when he works, he'll have to use the money to pay you back what he took, I agree to a point. Let him keep a few dollars-if he earns $20, let him keep $5. That way he can learn to budget with the money he earns.
In this way, he'll learn 3 lessons:
1.You have to take responsibility for your actions.
2.Money and things do not come easily and if you want something, you have to learn to put some money aside.
3.He may get an idea of how hard and long you and your husband have to work to provide your kids with what they have.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

My sister stole alot of money from my parents. ALOT. They called the police from work and told them they wanted to teach her a lesson, but not really press charges. They asked them if there was a way to put her through the process of being in trouble without her knowing that they were not going to press charges. (they live in a pretty small town).

The police were very helpful and actually went to the house and took her away (no handcuffs involved, but she had to ride in the back of the car etc.)
She called my parents from the station...and they waited whatever amount of time the police told them it would take and then they went and got her. Together my parents with the police spoke to her in a room about how this could be real if she continued to do it (my parents were going to press charges next time, or if she had stolen from anyone else that was not family). From what my parents told me, she was pretty scared and also has not taken anymore money.

 

[Minnie_me]

You've gotten some great advice here. I just wanted to reassure you that your parenting did not lead him to do this; and that this one incident, although VERY serious, is not indicative of his future nature.

What *IS* important is what you do NOW. The consequences, the reactions -- that is how your son will be shaped.

I think you're on the right track. Please keep us posted.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Originally Posted by golfgal
Well, if it were my child, they would have a mattress on the floor, no door on their room, a lamp and an alarm clock in their room. They would need to ask permission to do everything, including watching TV. They would not be able to leave their room unless they asked, they would have scheduled bathroom breaks, etc. Basically stealing being in jail for stealing $6000. They would have to earn every single penny back by doing jobs around the house, etc. Harsh, but way better then ending up in jail. At 13 he should know better. Oh, and for his college fund, um sorry, that is not HIS fund, it is YOUR money that you MIGHT use to help him in college. If he doesn't need it, that is now your fun money for your retirement. No child is entitled to a college fund. Community service, how about visiting inmates in jail--that could be an eye opener for him!

This is the best idea yet.

 

[goofinoff]

I don't have any real advice for you but I can tell you a little story about a boy who was caught stealing. About 15 years ago I worked at the fragrance counter at Macy's. A woman and her preteen son approached me. When I asked how I could help them the mother looked at her son and said "Go ahead, tell her." He placed a cologne tester on the counter and said "I stole this last week and I'm very sorry." The mother proceeded to tell me that she saw it on his dresser and asked where it came from. He told her that his friend gave it to him. She called that friend's mother thinking it may have belonged to his father. The friend's mother questioned the friend who swore he knew nothing about it. After being questioned relentlessly the boy finally told his mother that he stole it. She immediately put him in the car and drove him to the police station! She told the officer what happened and told him that he needed to be taught a lesson. The officer couldn't really do anything and the mother told the officer to show him a jail cell. He saw the cell and they left and came to Macy's. After the boy apologized to me, the mother asked where she could find the store manager so he could apologize to her! At first I thought this woman was nuts but then the more I thought about it I realized what she was doing. I'm willing to bet money that kid never took as much as a peice of penny candy without paying for it! I think there are too many parents that turn a blind eye and think "Not my kid! My child would never do that!"
I honestly wish you and your family the best of luck. I really hope that you seek help from your son because it sounds like there is more beneath the surface. Good luck!!

 

[bigbabyblues]

As I'm sitting at the computer, he came in to me to ask if he could hug me. I let him do that and the water works started when I told him again how disappointed we are in him and how he's broken our hearts. If nothing else, he's done a lot of thinking today about right and wrong.

This struck me for some reason. I'm no expert on any of this, by any means, but I see this as he wants to know that you still love/accept him.

I don't have any advice, but I admire you for not completely blowing up and losing it with him. Not that it would help, but that would have been my gut reaction. Drugs was my gut thought too, but if he's that willing to take the test, that's probably not it. I'd still have him tested.

I wish you the best of luck in trying to figure out where to go from here. I would definitely go with counseling, as you are working on. I like the idea of making him admit to each person this affected what he has done. I'd definitely be taking away a lot of "toys" and extras, and he'd have to earn them back.

Again,

 

[lisaviolet]

Hey,

Been thinking about you all day. All the best to you. Hang in there. You can see your senstivity, your smarts, your caring and your love, and tough love, for your children right through your posts.

You must be so exhausted.

Take good care of yourself,

Lisa

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm sure a few hugs right now will do you both a world of good. Confirming that you love him and always will is a very positive step. Of course he also need to know there will still be consequences to be paid. My daughter and I have a saying we share "I love you, always and forever, no matter what, and I honestly mean that but they sure do test you at times! I think your son if very lucky to have you for a mom -- don't be too hard on yourself -- that's what he's for!

 

[disneymom3]

FWIW, we adopted him when he was 6, so we've only had 7 years of knowing and loving him, though it feels as if we were always devoted to him. He is full of goodness. This is truly the first time he's screwed up. He just picked a way to do it big time.

Wow, for me this changes everything. Being a teen is hard enough trying to figure out who you are in this world and where you fit in. I'm thinking this might be his way of testing you to see if you really are his parents and will love him unconditionally. Maybe this is all about abandonment issues and not feeling like he is part of your family, but rather an outsider.

I've called his pediatrician for a recommendation for a child psychologist and I have 3 recommendations. I am trying to get in touch with the top recommendation now. Darn busy phone line...

I work at an adoption agency. My advice for you is to make sure to find a therapist who at least understands and knows about attachment disorder and preferable who specializes in it. Regarding not feeling like part of your family, I want you to know that this has NOTHING to do with your parenting. It is awesome that the kids were not in the orphanage for a long time and it sounds like you know that. They were able to attach to their parents simply because at least they were with them, but he has a skewed view of what parents are supposed to do. My bet is that as he is getting older and trying to figure out who he is that it's way more confusing than with a biological kid.

As for the police and scaring him straight, I think talking to your BIL is a very good idea. However, given his personal history I would ask you to PLEASE not have him even pretend arrested. This boy needs to know that he is secure and that you are there through thick thin and any other crap that may come up. Not saying there need to be consequences and severe ones, but having the police come pick him up can totally screw up his trust for you as well and that is going to rock any foundation he has. Also one thing we tell our parents is that this child may be however old chronologically, but many many of them are not that age emotionally at all. He has been with you 7 years. So emotionaly, think of him being 7. I know it sounds crazy but if you look at many of his needs etc, I bet it will at least make some sense.

Take care and good luck.

 

[LVSWL]

Wow!

OK....This will be a weird way of looking at it. So bear with me.

I would not do "grounding". The reason being part of the punishment will be being with his friends without money.
As odd as this sounds this will be a punishment for him as he is used to having friends because he has money.

Of course I would make him repay it and volunteering is an excellent punishment.
Working this off will be more beneficial than the grounding.

Anyway that is what I would do. Focus on the work, less on the grounding. This is something that requires something more adult in nature when it comes to punishment.

I hope that makes sense. Although beating him and never letting him out of the house is very tempting.

I agree with much of this. From reading your post, it seems to me that the most upsetting thing is that your DS seems to feel that he "needs" to have money and also spend it on his friends in order to "have friends". This speaks to low self esteem. At his young age, he probably doesn't even realize anything, except that he likes the feeling of making his friends happy, and his friends liking him, but obviously there is a big difference between doing something nice for a friend occasionally and doing it all the time, plus stealing to be able to do it. To me, that is the "lesson" that he needs to learn. You can't buy friendship. Good luck.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

at least you can head this behavior off while he is only 13...before he goes to college and gets a credit card and starts treating the entire dorm to pizza and beer.

 

[LisaR]

Getting in on this late but I wanted to add two things:

1. Being adopted at six and having alcoholic biological parents is huge, IMO. Make sure the therapist is trained in these issues.

2. Our county has a program called Teen Court. To qualify, it must be your first offense, non-violent and you have to have admitted guilt. The jury, bailiff and both attorneys are made up of trained, volunteer teens. The judge is a real judge. Your son would be "tried" in front of his peers. They have sentencing guidelines, including community service that the court will set up (and the organization reports back to the court so they know how he is doing). This program has a 97% success rate. Maybe you could check to see if you have something similar in your area.

I wish you luck. I know this is a very serious situation and I wouldn't take it lightly but he has a long life in front of him. Better to screw up now while he has a safe place to land.

 

[manning]

He's not just talking military, he wants to go to West Point and be an officer in the army. He can see the opportunities he would have if he made it through West Point.

Tell him he failed twice.

The code is honesty. The second part of that code is he would have to turn himself in.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

OP, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, it sounds like you are handling it well.

You have gotten a lot of good advice, so I won't repeat any. I will add this though:

Do you have an orgnization in your area that works with people in debt? I would think that volunteering with an organization like that or at a mission or any organization that works with people who do not have a lot of money can help drive the point home. You can talk to him about what he saw and the kind of choices (for him) that could lead to that- including spending $1,500 a month. I would emphasize that not everybody is there because of poor decisions, but there probably are quite a few.

Also- take him to a bank. Ask them to explain to him what happens when you live beyond your means and have bad credit. Ask them to show him how much more he will pay in interest on loans for houses, cars, etc. if he chooses to go into debt. Maybe even set up an account (that you can monitor) where he can deposit money that he "earns" and require him to balance it and keep tabs on it so he can see just how hard it is to make and maintain money.

Good luck with this. I think you're doing the right thing by sending him to a counselor.

 

[pooh98378]

His uncle is known around town for helping out tons of people. He's sent some of his workers to "camp" when they've had alcohol or drug problems. He helps out others when they have personal problems. I'm sure that he'll continue to "employ" my DS. At least when he's 14, he can get working papers so he can work more than 4 hours per week like he does now.

One of my first thoughts was drugs too. When he works for his uncle, is he around other employees that have the drug/alcohol problems? If so, I would consider not having him work there anymore. You would be amazed at how much influence co-workers could have on people, especially a 13yo -- and I don't necessarily mean drugs per se, just their attitudes/thoughts on life/etc.

I really think that the adoption aspect could be a big part of the cause. I would definitely get counseling.

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

I wasn't able to read the entire thread but what I did see was very good advice. I also wanted to add that any extra work he does, toward paying off the debt, should be "paid/credited" at minimum wage. This way he will understand just how hard it is to save up that kind of cash.

I hope, whatever you do, he gets the lesson and learns that people can like him without the money.

Good luck!