I'm just sick over this...

[manning]

Honestly I can only think of one reason anyone would have over $6000 at home, and not in a safe, insured, interest-accumulating bank. That's to keep the IRS from finding out about it. If the parents aren't following the rules, he probably doesn't see why he should.
I think counseling is definitely a must.
Edited to explain further... But to a 13 year old kid the only think they're thinking is "Why is this money a secret? Why is it hidden?" I can see in this day and age with all the talk of drug money etc...that a kid could jump to conclusions.
I still think it's ridiculous to keep that much "petty cash" at home, uninsured and not accumulating interest.

Guess I better put that $3000.00 into the bank I have in the drawer....the $3000.00 I already paid taxes on !!!!!

 

[RitaE]

Guess I better put that $3000.00 into the bank I have in the drawer....the $3000.00 I already paid taxes on !!!!!

um, where do you live again?


Sorry just kidding. But you know there are ways to secure cash in your house that are much safer than a drawer. Ways that lock and are fireproof - KWIM?

 

[Tink33]

My first thought was a visit to the courthouse and a trip to juvenile hall/jail. I also think counseling is in order.

 

[HelenePA]

My great grandmother never trusted banks (adult of the depression) and always had LARGE amounts of cash lying around. Its probably more common than people think. She had it hid in a dress pocket she hand hanging up in her closet... its how I learned how to count money OP I hope you can come up with a good punishment (whipping sounds good!) for you son... I'm so sorry again your in this situation.

 

[littleteapot]

Just another mother praying for you and yours!

I agree with professional counseling as one of the first steps.

 

[manning]

um, where do you live again?


Sorry just kidding. But you know there are ways to secure cash in your house that are much safer than a drawer. Ways that lock and are fireproof - KWIM?

It's not advertised it's there. Besides it's fun checking the rat trap to see if it is still armed

 

[happygirl]

If it was my kid I would scare him straight, I think I would have the police come and talk to him. Maybe the could take him to jail for the night

 

[Amelia Peabody]

I've read most of the posts and hope I'm not repeating the ones I skipped.

I don't think he should work for YOU to pay you back. I think he should have to think up chores to do for neighbors or whomever and then ASK them for the job! Mowing lawns, shoveling snow, gardening, grocery shopping.... All cash or checks are handed to YOU. Make him keep a spreadsheet ( a little math practice for good measure ). When you see things in print, it really presses the point - this one being that he's gonna have to work hard and long to pay this back. Give him a time schedule. Like $50 minimum a month. Just like bills in real life. He just may end up being a little entrepenuer!

Absolutely seek an evaluation from a counselor for him.

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

Well, if it were my child, they would have a mattress on the floor, no door on their room, a lamp and an alarm clock in their room. They would need to ask permission to do everything, including watching TV. They would not be able to leave their room unless they asked, they would have scheduled bathroom breaks, etc. Basically stealing being in jail for stealing $6000. They would have to earn every single penny back by doing jobs around the house, etc. Harsh, but way better then ending up in jail. At 13 he should know better. Oh, and for his college fund, um sorry, that is not HIS fund, it is YOUR money that you MIGHT use to help him in college. If he doesn't need it, that is now your fun money for your retirement. No child is entitled to a college fund. Community service, how about visiting inmates in jail--that could be an eye opener for him!

This was exactly what I was thinking. Home jail. He did the crime and now has to do the time. I would sit down with dad and decide how long this will last and what he can do to earn back the money. THEN I would start letting him earn your TRUST back AFTER the money issue has been taken care of. Good luck.

 

[babytrees]

it's funny you post this... not but.....on a smaller scale....

we busted DD last night taking $10 that was her brother's- he's 7-. whenever they get money from grandparents for whatever reason- bday- chores- we take it and put it away. DS had recently gotten the 10 and i had put it away- evidently not hidden enough to where DD couldn't find it. needless to say she spent it at target last night. when i ask her where she gets her $$ she says... g'parents. they earn $$ for chores over the summer but have not received any of it b/c it's going to their disney fund- which we have. other cases... missing small bills, change from car, lunch $$ jar...

we have taken away the ipod for now. and she will def be paying brother back. that's the only $$ she has fessed about. any money rec'd from others will be given to us for safe keeping- in savings account!!

we have $$ hidden too- DH is in locked gun safe- mine in sock drawer. of course it's not that much- just bday $$.

it just burns me up to think she would do that ... and breaks my heart!!


i feel for you... it's tough.

we also had it on a smaller scale with oldest DD(16)....not remorseful at all. In fact blamed me for it . But we also don't have the money lying/hiding around...she stole it from the piggy keeping Disney spending money safe for HER graduation trip.

OP, I am so sorry, I do believe counseling is where you need to go and work with the counselor on an appropriate punishment. I was devastated over the loss of trust for a smaller amount so I can just imagine what you are feeling now.

 

[Lionqueen2]

If I were in this situation, I would think that there were two parts to dealing with the problem.

One would be a punishment of some sort so that he could learn that there are consequences for his actions. I'd also insist on his doing some community service helping anyone less fortunate. He needs to learn that helping, not buying, is a way of earning respect. And, he needs to learn that trust is earned, also.

I would also want to seek counseling for him so that we could get to the root of the problem and find out the cause that made him steal. If he is trying to buy friends, then there are other issues to be addressed and that can best be done in counseling. I'd also check on the drug testing because that might be another issue to deal with.

 

[bumbershoot]

(read first post only)

I am so sorry, how awful.

 

[MsDisney23]

 

[RUDisney]

1. This is a 13 year old child.
2. He is not showing a huge desire to attend college, and is talking Military.

He's not just talking military, he wants to go to West Point and be an officer in the army. College is high on his radar, he just wants it to be a military college instead of a public or private one. He can see the opportunities he would have if he made it through West Point.

If he owns anything purchased with even a dollar of that money, it belongs to you. CD's, clothes, whatever, it's yours now. He should not be allowed to continue to reap any benefits for his crime.

One other thing I have to mention is that while I think volunteering is a great idea and may well help his perspective, please don't present it as punishment. Make it more something you want him to experience to help him see how fortunate he really is, or volunteering may become something he will view for the rest of his life as punishment.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and remember that the closer you can tie the punishment to the crime, the more he will learn from it. If you were'nt his parents, this crime would have most likely cost him his freedom.

I just left his bedroom before I read the updated posts. He is starting to feel remorse moreso than just feeling sorry that he got caught. He is starting to find things he can ebay to earn money to pay us back. He also wants to advertise about doing odd jobs for neighbors to earn some money.

Volunteering would be a learning tool, from our perspective. Our DS has a ton of opportunities in his life that others don't have. He needs to see how the poor struggle from day to day to better appreciate the things that he has.

Making the punishment fit the crime is the hardest part of this entire equation for us. That's why we asked for everyone's opinions. I appreciate each and every one of them.

a lot of good points have been made here, I have one other.

Do you know any police? I had a friend who was a cop who had a talent for scaring the beejeebers out of kids that had screwed up. Maybe you could have him taken down to the station show what happens how bad it would be for him. I dont think some kids really understand it.

My BIL is a state trooper. I already told my DH that he needs to schedule a long conversation between he and our DS. The good thing is that they are playing golf tomorrow so they'll have several hours to discuss what our BIL, from a police perspective thinks about the situation, too.

Maybe because he worked for the Uncle and saw that he "helped others" he looked up to him and wanted to be the same way? You really need to talk with him and not yell or scream or say bad things, even though I am sure you are wanting to do so.

It crossed my mind that this could be part of the problem. His uncle is more generous than anyone I know, but he rarely takes credit for anything he does. He is very humble in that regard. My DS also sees me, especially, but DH, too, doing things to help others, whether financially or with our time. But, it took years for us to be able to financially help others, as it did with his uncle, too. I wonder if he's just trying to speed his ability to help others up?

One thing I have not done is yelled at him over this. I've spoken very matter-of-factly, but I've not yelled or screamed. I didn't think that would help. I have cried several times, too, because my heart is just so broken by this betrayal.

I don't understand it either. But to a 13 year old kid the only think they're thinking is "Why is this money a secret? Why is it hidden?"

Why would you not hide cash? Should we have left it out on the dresser or counter top? Money is kept hidden so that others who come into the house don't take it.

I wish I had advice for the OP...I know I'd be completely shocked and at my wits end if I found my daughters doing the same. I imagine that I'd be equally at a loss for what to do. I would though like to ask the OP if there was any clues that she noticed herself as to him doing this kind of thing or any early behaviors, by her son or as a parent, that looking back in hindsight she feels she might now change if she could go back in time...kind of as a public service.

In hindsight, people are telling me about their suspicions. My mother said that she was going to mention it to me that my DS always had a bunch of cash on him. In hindsight, I'm recalling some things too, but on a daily basis, my DS covered his tracks very well. He'd never done anything else wrong and we trusted him. He told us that he and his friends shared expenses or that they picked up the tabs on different occasions. No one let on until this week what was going on in the big picture and when they did, several people mentioned things to me. The final puzzle piece came last night when I was talking to his friend's mother.... then my DH checked the cash on hand and everything pulled together.

I think that the largest issue here is his respect for both of you. The absolute lack of I mean. That would scare the crap out of me. That it's not a surface problem.

I know, I know a lot of kids don't "like" their parents. But as much as many don't "like" their parents stealing $6000 little by little, over and over with each choice/decision is a huge leap.

That's where my fear would come from. Not caring about your parents on the surface - life sometimes. Not respecting and caring at this level is something.

I think this might be a family counselling issue - or at least investigating that possibility instead of just him.

Regardless of my post OP - I'm very, very sorry. It must be devastating. All the best to you all.

Lisa

The whole respect thing is exactly what I've been mulling over and over in my head. How little do you respect someone who loves you unconditionally that you would steal from them? I'm having a very hard time wrapping my brain around that.

 

[diznygirl]

The whole respect thing is exactly what I've been mulling over and over in my head. How little do you respect someone who loves you unconditionally that you would steal from them? I'm having a very hard time wrapping my brain around that.

I'm sure respect didn't enter his mind. But he probably figured he deserved it and rationalized it that way. I think volunteering is an excellent idea. He needs a way to see that he will have to work hard for things that he wants, instead of just taking them. You have to get that idea out of his head.

 

[Totally Tink]

He's not just talking military, he wants to go to West Point and be an officer in the army. College is high on his radar, he just wants it to be a military college instead of a public or private one. He can see the opportunities he would have if he made it through West Point.

I just left his bedroom before I read the updated posts. He is starting to feel remorse moreso than just feeling sorry that he got caught. He is starting to find things he can ebay to earn money to pay us back. He also wants to advertise about doing odd jobs for neighbors to earn some money.

Volunteering would be a learning tool, from our perspective. Our DS has a ton of opportunities in his life that others don't have. He needs to see how the poor struggle from day to day to better appreciate the things that he has.

Making the punishment fit the crime is the hardest part of this entire equation for us. That's why we asked for everyone's opinions. I appreciate each and every one of them.

My BIL is a state trooper. I already told my DH that he needs to schedule a long conversation between he and our DS. The good thing is that they are playing golf tomorrow so they'll have several hours to discuss what our BIL, from a police perspective thinks about the situation, too.

It crossed my mind that this could be part of the problem. His uncle is more generous than anyone I know, but he rarely takes credit for anything he does. He is very humble in that regard. My DS also sees me, especially, but DH, too, doing things to help others, whether financially or with our time. But, it took years for us to be able to financially help others, as it did with his uncle, too. I wonder if he's just trying to speed his ability to help others up?

One thing I have not done is yelled at him over this. I've spoken very matter-of-factly, but I've not yelled or screamed. I didn't think that would help. I have cried several times, too, because my heart is just so broken by this betrayal.

Why would you not hide cash? Should we have left it out on the dresser or counter top? Money is kept hidden so that others who come into the house don't take it.

In hindsight, people are telling me about their suspicions. My mother said that she was going to mention it to me that my DS always had a bunch of cash on him. In hindsight, I'm recalling some things too, but on a daily basis, my DS covered his tracks very well. He'd never done anything else wrong and we trusted him. He told us that he and his friends shared expenses or that they picked up the tabs on different occasions. No one let on until this week what was going on in the big picture and when they did, several people mentioned things to me. The final puzzle piece came last night when I was talking to his friend's mother.... then my DH checked the cash on hand and everything pulled together.

I think you're stretching it with this one. Helping someone up does not involve theft. Have you thought of why you didn't have any suspicions? I can't fathom not knowing that my 13 year old was out living the kind of lifestyle you have described.


I can't imagine what you're going through, and I hope that your family gets the help you need. Honestly, though, I'd rethink your DH playing a round of golf tomorrow and spending some serious time with your son.

 

[MossMan]

The whole respect thing is exactly what I've been mulling over and over in my head. How little do you respect someone who loves you unconditionally that you would steal from them? I'm having a very hard time wrapping my brain around that.

The fact that you didn't ignore evidence of his behavior and are willing to honestly face the meaning of this behavior shows me you have this situation well under control. I know it may not feel that way. But that is about 80% of the battle and it is amazing how many parents can't get to the point where you are right now.

You know your kid better than anyone. Advice is great, but it is impossible to convey to people what 13 years of love and devotion to your child has taught you about him.

It's also OK to make some mistakes in how you deal with your son. This is a pretty big deal, so it's difficult to land on the perfect response. You can always adjust later. Adjustments aren't admissions of terrible parenthood, their admissions you've never dealt with this before and are trying you best to figure it out. Better to change course than stick with something that is not working.

Lastly, there is lots that is good in your son. You can be as tough as you think you need to be as long as you keep a close eye on that goodness. That part of your son still needs nurturing. So go ahead and nurture it, even if at the same time you cracking the whip something hard.

 

[CraftyMouse]

I've read most of the posts and hope I'm not repeating the ones I skipped.

I don't think he should work for YOU to pay you back. I think he should have to think up chores to do for neighbors or whomever and then ASK them for the job! Mowing lawns, shoveling snow, gardening, grocery shopping.... All cash or checks are handed to YOU. Make him keep a spreadsheet ( a little math practice for good measure ). When you see things in print, it really presses the point - this one being that he's gonna have to work hard and long to pay this back. Give him a time schedule. Like $50 minimum a month. Just like bills in real life. He just may end up being a little entrepenuer!

Absolutely seek an evaluation from a counselor for him.

I agree with this. Have him earn actual cash from others rather than do chores for you. He's old enough to mow lawns, weed flower beds, wash windows, help clean out garages, etc. Working for others will be much more meaningful to him than working it off with you. If he hasn't paid the debt off by the time he can get a "real" job then he can use that money to finish up his payments. I think that will send the most long-lasting message.

 

[Kathi OD]

Honestly I can only think of one reason anyone would have over $6000 at home, and not in a safe, insured, interest-accumulating bank. That's to keep the IRS from finding out about it. If the parents aren't following the rules, he probably doesn't see why he should.

I still think it's ridiculous to keep that much "petty cash" at home, uninsured and not accumulating interest.

Judge much???

Why OP choses to have that much cash in their house is their business and theirs alone, but there are a number of legal reasons that it might be done. Many people are trying to shake themselves of the credit card demon. Having a large reserve at home would take care of any emergency without the temptation of using the card. Many people don't have the willpower to pay that baby off even if they have the money in a savings account. (Not saying this applies to OP, but it offers a reasonable explanation).

FWIW.....DH and I never used to keep large sums of money at home....UNTIL his parents broke down in a small town in South Carolina on the way home from Florida. DH and his brother had to drive down and tow them home. The place where they were able to secure a dolly did not accept credit cards and becuase they were taking it out of state, the deposit was high. Much more than you could take out of an ATM. So now we keep a stash (although not $6K) at the house, just for emergencies, especially since his mom continues to travel on her own.

And OP, here's for you and your family. The teen years can be so trying. You've been given lots of good advice already and you seem to be quite aware of the ramifications of DS's behavior. I am sure you will sort it all out and come up with a plan that works for you and your family.

 

[RUDisney]

The fact that you didn't ignore evidence of his behavior and are willing to honestly face the meaning of this behavior shows me you have this situation well under control. I know it may not feel that way. But that is about 80% of the battle and it is amazing how many parents can't get to the point where you are right now.
Thank you for that.

You know your kid better than anyone. Advice is great, but it is impossible to convey to people what 13 years of love and devotion to your child has taught you about him.
FWIW, we adopted him when he was 6, so we've only had 7 years of knowing and loving him, though it feels as if we were always devoted to him. He is full of goodness. This is truly the first time he's screwed up. He just picked a way to do it big time.

It's also OK to make some mistakes in how you deal with your son. This is a pretty big deal, so it's difficult to land on the perfect response. You can always adjust later. Adjustments aren't admissions of terrible parenthood, their admissions you've never dealt with this before and are trying you best to figure it out. Better to change course than stick with something that is not working.
That's why we haven't been rash in doing anything. We're weighing our options to set the best course from the start. He is in his room now coming up with rules that he thinks are fair for his new life and with an action plan on ideas he has for making money.

Lastly, there is lots that is good in your son. You can be as tough as you think you need to be as long as you keep a close eye on that goodness. That part of your son still needs nurturing. So go ahead and nurture it, even if at the same time you cracking the whip something hard.

I agree with this. Have him earn actual cash from others rather than do chores for you. He's old enough to mow lawns, weed flower beds, wash windows, help clean out garages, etc. Working for others will be much more meaningful to him than working it off with you. If he hasn't paid the debt off by the time he can get a "real" job then he can use that money to finish up his payments. I think that will send the most long-lasting message.

DH and I do not give him money for chores. In our house, if you live here and participate in family life, you are responsible for having chores. He has never given me any problem about doing anything that I've asked of him and he often times finds jobs that need to be completed that he does on his own.