I'm failing as a step-father

[boomhauer]

Boom here again, looking for advice.

I love my step-son of 5 years old. Like most 5 years old, he's a bit spoiled and can be a bit of a brat.

My MIL, as some of you know, lives on the 3rd floor apartment above us. She babysits this 1 year old little girl during the week. Cute as a button.

Anyways, occasionally, the little girl comes down and plays with us. Last night when I got home from work, my MIL had to run out real quick, so she brought the baby downstairs to us. The baby's mother is fine with this.

Anyways, my step-son gets very jealous when I pay any attention to her. I also get very nervous as she's only 1, and I'm always afraid she's gonna get hurt. I think my step-son is too rough with her. She goes to get one of his toys, and he pushes her away. My wife thinks it's just normal child playing.

Last night, he was playing with one of the cushions on the couch, and I told him 5 times, "put it back". He didn't. Finally, the little girl went over to sit on the cushion which he was playing with and he pushed the cushion, along with the baby. I lost it. I grabbed the cushion, put it back on the couch, and gave him this little speech about how he's 5 and he should know better than a 1 year old. I also made a mistake of calling him an immature brat. I lost my patience and was wrong.

My wife gave me holy heck this morning about not knowing how to talk to kids and how what I said was awful, etc. I didn't mean it, but what can I say - I worry that this little girl could get hurt.

So, my wife and I screamed at one another for 15 minutes, and left the house without saying anything else to one another.

Any thoughts on how I can fix this?

 

[MidgeD79]

It is not easy raising kids. Everybody has a different opinion including our own families. Maybe you could ask her how she would have handled it. Start with "i'm sorry I lost control last night, but I get so (interjet a feeling word here) when I'm around kids." I'm not saying you have to do what your wife wants, but she can express her feelings and maybe compromise. Please listen without rolling eyes ot interupting. I know it's hard, but if you want to work this out you need to communicate.

 

[boomhauer]

Tried the communicating thing a few minutes ago. Called her cell-phone (which she of course didn't answer), and basically said what you just said. I know I was wrong for how I handled that one thing I said.

It's 7:12AM. I GUARENTEE, and I will post the time the email comes, I will get an email from my wife saying something to the effect that we shouldn't have any more kids. Any time we disagree on raising her son, she comes out with that. I think it's childish and honestly, I'm getting REALLY annoyed with it.

Just wait.....The email will come.

 

[nealymouse]

You and your wife really need to get on the same page. If I were you I would offer to have a sit down meeting on how you both feel your son should be raised.
Set up ground rules for you son. Counting is great. Tell him 1st you are going to ask 2 times then if its not done then tell him what is going to happend next ie: I will take the toy from you. You will go to your room ect. ALWAYS FOLLOW THREW.
Also give your son choices ie: You can put the pillow on the sofa or I will.
You can play in your room or you can color. Give him some control over his choices.

Its amazing how easy life can be when you do give little ones a "safe" choice

I use the Term SAFE alot ( I teach Parent Education) By letting your son know you are trying to keep him and the baby safe he may not think you are "just being a mean Dad" but start to realize you are being a caring Dad who wants to make sure he is safe. With safe comes secure.



I hope this helps.

 

[boomhauer]

I think what really worries me is the fight I had with my wife. I love my step-son just as if he were my own. And just as if he were my own, I get very angry when he doesn't listen to me. And I get very angry when he oushes a 1 year old around. Maybe I'm wrong, but at 5 years old, I think he should know better. My wife disagrees. This is where our problems come in. I admit when I'm wrong, and apologize. She will not. That could just be a man-woman thing, but it is a problem.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

good luck with this

does your wife think he was to rough with the little one?

didnt you guys have a huge fight about her car hood?

the boy needs to learn to interact properly with other kids, do you guys sue timeout?

i was reading this article about fighting the right way, im gonna see if i can find it and post the link

 

[Disney Ella]

Mealymouse has some good suggestions for you. Yes, you could have handled it a little better, but your wife's reaction sounds way out of proportion for a little yelling. (Most parents, if they're telling the truth, have yelled at kids and lost their patience at one time or another.) A few weeks (months?) ago, you mentioned another situation involving your MIL babysitting your stepson and when you should pick him up. Obviously we only have your side of the story for these incidences, but if we have all the facts, it seems that your wife overreacts a lot and makes the situation worse than it has to be. To me, that seems like your bigger problem.

 

[Disney_1derland]

Can I give it to your from a mother of a 5 year old perspective??? If not, don't read on

5 year olds are VERY impulsive. They have a lot of mature things thrown at them every day that they are expected to handle. They lack the judgement that goes with the mature thoughts they have. So they experiment. They push the bounds and the do not think of the consequences ahead of time. This is the 5 year old way or so we have found as we near the end of our 5 year. They are also seeing a lot of input at school/daycare about what other kids do and how they behave and when it's different from what they are allowed, they are bound and determined to try it.

The best piece of child rearing advice I have EVER received is this:

When you feel like you need to tell your child to act their age, it's usually because they already are.

That philosophy has served us well!

(In my opinion....)The best thing you can do at this point is to tell your wife that you feel like it would help YOU if the two of you could sit down and have an open discussion about discipline and how things are going to be handled. You also need to apologize to the child. Explain to him that you lost your temper and didn't make a good choice when disciplining him. Tell him you're sorry and tell him you love him and that you hope the two of you can work together a little better in the future.

Also, remember to choose your battles. It is very important to do this, otherwise you'll feel like you're battling the children all the time. Dh sometimes forgets this, and sometimes I forget that he doesn't have as much childcare experience as I do. We squabble. We talk. We move on. I hope that you guys can get to that point to.

 

[Crankyshank]

Wow nealymouse- great suggestions!

Yeah calling him an immature brat wasn't the best route to go but you acknowledge that and you were frustrated. Your wife overreacted.

I think you both need to get on the same page regarding parenting and discipline. But I guess it would be pretty hard if she screams and overreacts whenever you do stumble. My suggestion would be to diffuse the situation when it occurs by calmly asking her to stop yelling and tell you how she feels the situation should be handled and discipline be distributed.
At his age he's testing limits. If you don't get on the same page now you're going to have a big problem on your hands when he becomes hormonal.

 

[boomhauer]

You're all right about this communication suggestion. sadly, my wife doesn't do that.

Shuts off her cell phone, and won't pick up her work phone.

Oh well - Guess I'll be tucking the sheets onto the couch downstairs tonight.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

well at least your off to the world in 2 days
have fun

 

[smilie]

There definitely needs to be some communication going on. I don't have kids, but this seems to be more about you and your wife. I think she didn't handle it well, and that you both need to talk about it. Just my opinion, of course. If she feels you overreacted to the situation, why does she feel the need to as well? Isn't that a little bit hypocritical. Again, only my opinions... but that's what question came to mind when I read the sitation.

 

[boomhauer]

Yup, and as Al Bundy once so wisely said, "I seek fun, I go alone."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Any thoughts on how I can fix this?

#1..Don't babysit the 1yo girl, when MIL briongs her down. That should be your first thought.

#2..When MIL is babysitting have her bring the child down and have her show you what to do.

#3...You really need to get a handle on all this "he should act his age baloney"...
To be FRANK...you and your wife do not act your age and you are ADULTS.

#4...It is doable and you can learn.
With children, you stop things before they get too far. You allowed him to throw cushions and then get mad at him when he did something YOU didn't like.
Doesn't work that way with kids.
Have to have the upper hand and redirect the kids to something else. Not with words, with action. You get up, lead them by the hand, and have them do something else.

 

[KAMLEM]

You're all right about this communication suggestion. sadly, my wife doesn't do that.

Shuts off her cell phone, and won't pick up her work phone.

Oh well - Guess I'll be tucking the sheets onto the couch downstairs tonight.

That's too bad because communication is the key. She is being immature handling it like that. I'm sure that her anger just builds as the day goes on, too. She really needs to learn how to work through situations like this. Will she open up if you come home with flowers and a nice card with an apology for calling him an immature brat? Once she's over it then you can sit down and have a longer discussion.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

That's too bad because communication is the key. She is being immature handling it like that. I'm sure that her anger just builds as the day goes on, too. She really needs to learn how to work through situations like this. Will she open up if you come home with flowers and a nice card with an apology for calling him an immature brat? Once she's over it then you can sit down and have a longer discussion.

i dont think he should have to kiss her butt with flowers and stuff
it sounds like her over reacting is an on going issue with them based on some other threads
they really need to figure this stuff out together or it will be an issue in the marriage forver

 

[boomhauer]

Well, at least she's now answering her phone at work when I call.

She picks up the phone, and hangs it up right away.

Gotta love caller ID.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's too bad because communication is the key. She is being immature handling it like that. I'm sure that her anger just builds as the day goes on, too. She really needs to learn how to work through situations like this. Will she open up if you come home with flowers and a nice card with an apology for calling him an immature brat? Once she's over it then you can sit down and have a longer discussion.

Anyone thinking what I am thinking???

Boom, it could be a simple case of "Redirected anger".
Your wife is immature, so you pick on a 5yo to tell him to "act his age".
It releases the frustration you have with your wife in regards to communication.

I hope you "see" that.

 

[we3disneygo]

you have to pick your battles......my dd12 just babysat for a girl who just turned 6, she had a meltdown, didnt' get her way and went and stood in a corner and cried and moaned for a good half hour......yikes!!! I would say that at 5 he should know better than to push another child, but he will proably try it anyway it's all about pushing those boundries.......just wait.....12 is alot of fun! good luck and fun on your trip...

 

[Christine]

Okay, I'm not even going to get into it with you about your wife. We've done that on a few other threads so I know what YOU are up against and there is no fixing HER. Am I right?

I just want to say that I agree with you on how you think the 5-year-old is treating the baby. This is normal that kids that age would be a little rough, especially if they are not used to be around younger children, and it is VERY normal and EXPECTED that you would correct that behavior. Otherwise, you will end up with a tyrant in your home (your son). He needs to know his boundaries.

Your mistake was "popping your gasket" and losing it and calling him an immature brat. But you apologized. I have "lost it" with my own kids and probably said things to them in the heat of my frustration. They will get over it. But, it would be bad if you did this EVERY time. Once in a blue moon, to me, demonstrates that you are just human.

You've done everything you can, you just have to wait for your wife to cool down.