If your spouse asked you....

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I disagree, however, with the "financial" head of household concept. It shouldn't matter who's making whatever money when it comes to family-changing decisions.

I'm not saying that my husband, for example didn't ask what I thought about things that would affect me in his career. But I just wasn't ever one of those wives that would have much objection to whatever he thought he needed to do for it. Barring things like him wanting to become a pimp or a strip club manager I just let him make the decisions about the job he was going to have to be doing for what amounted to 50 or 60 hours a week.

I saw plenty who were, wives who refused to move to other cities, or complained when the husband had to travel for their jobs. (I say "wives" because it just wasn't my experience to see the roles reversed. )and I could never have been that way. But I'm just speaking from my own experience.

 

[disykat]

I think the problem comes when a job basically makes someone an absentee father. I'm not talking about military, merchant marines, people who travel, etc. I know people in those careers and, in general, they go out of their way to make room for family when they ARE around. I know many military people who are gone for months at a time (and even years in bad times), but get time when they are back on shore to reconnect with their families - and go out of their way to do so.

The problem is when someone, with the exception of vacation time, works a shift where they don't see their family year in and year out. This can be very wearing on a relationship to do long term. DH and I were determined not to have this situation, which is why he switched to a desk job once the kids hit school age. He literally would not have seen for 5 days a week and then only a few hours each weekend. Fortunately dh and I are in agreement, but I would have been very verbal had we not been. I expect he also would have been very verbal if I took a job working evenings and weekends and pretty much left him to be the parent.

Yes, it sounds like if he doesn't like his current job, they may need to rethink things. However, I don't think it is unreasonable for a wife to ask her dh to consider a job change if his job doesn't allow for family time.

I'm just curious - are you the MIL?

 

[froglady]

Different people handle this in different ways. My best friend,and next door neighbor, has a job which requires her to travel a lot,so they opted to NOT have children. The same with my SIL and her husband.

DH works long hours, is on call once a month (it was a LOT more when we were younger) and used to commute 1 hr each way to his office. (Never mind the time he was in the Navy!) BUT, I knew all of this before we married (well, not the Navy part) so it wasn't a surprise. I knew I would be the primary caregiver, and even a "single" mom from time to time.

If DH decided to start a career that took him away from home AFTER we married I would have reason to complain, but not if I knew he had that sort of career BEFORE we married or had children.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

I think she's within her rights to ask her husband to change a job for the sake of the family. If he's not happy with that new job, he should look for another job with hours that are good for the family.

 

[Acklander]

I think there is room for compromise here - I can understand her wanting her dh to have different hours now that they have kids. My dad was a chef - he worked nights, weekends, and all holidays. Growing up we were always celebrating Christmas, New Year's Eve, Thanksgiving etc... on different days because they were so busy at the restaurant. Once I started school I'd go for days and days without seeing him, even though he lived in the same house.
If her dh isn't happy with the sales job, he should look for something else that might combine cooking with "normal" hours. Maybe something along the lines of catering or teaching cooking classes? It shouldn't be all black or white, sometimes there are some pretty amazing things in the gray area.

 

[kelleigh1]

I think my main issue is that the original poster said that the wife "insisted" that he change careers. I agree that both adults need to sit down and discuss what is best for the family. But for one to "insist" that the other give up a career that they've been doing for years, I just think that is wrong.

Granted, the original poster has since come back and said she really doesn't know the exact terms of the conversation. But it almost seems to me like the husband in question quit his job and found the first thing available at his wife's insistance. I think the better scenario is if they sat down and discussed that his current career was taking him away from the family more than they'd like and that maybe he could begin looking for something new which would allow him to have more time at home. As someone else suggested, he didn't need a total career change. He could have incorporated his chef skills into something else. It would have been a compromise.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

If he had the job before they got married and had a child, she knew what she was getting into. She also probably knew what the job meant to him. I think it was out of line for her to ask him to quit. Just my two cents...

Added to say...My husbands job requires him to travel overseas up to 75% of the year. I knew this before I signed up and would never ask him to quit.

i agree
i was in retail when we met, married and had the boys
dh didnt ask me to stop working it just happened that he (finally) could provide more and i could stay home and we could stop wasting $ paying 1700a month in daycare
if dh had asked me to not work retail i would have said no