If you knew your girlfriend or boyfriend were infertile

[icemantx]

What would you do if you were thinking that your current bf or gf could be marriage material, but before any engagment, they announced that they would never be able to have a biological child or be able to carry a child, or were against fertility treatments. Would this affect your decision in continuing things going forward.

My wife and I just had a discussion about this, and I told her it would have affected my decision in getting married to someone because having a biological child was important to me and for many reasons I am not open to adoption.

This is not hey we got married and found out we needed ivf, I am curious if you knew this information ahead of time, what would you do,

I want to keep this polite and expect all of you to do the same, you can disagree with someone and have class doing so.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

 

[Acklander]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

This. Having children was important - how I got them, not so important.

 

[CurlyGirl]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

What NHdisneylover said!

Keep in mind that often women don't know whether they have fertility issues until they try to reproduce. I have a friend who has no issues (hormones are great, tubes are clear, she ovulates regularly, etc.) but still cannot get pregnant to save her life.

I would also feel bad for the poor person who had no control over their fertility getting the heave ho after taking the time to date and get to know you.

I would hope that, if having bio kids is important, you ask a person if they have fertility issues on the first date. That way, you won't waste their time getting to know you, fall in love, etc. if they cannot reproduce.

And remember that reproduction is a two way street and you better find out whether or not YOU have fertility issues before asking someone else about theirs!

 

[Andtototoo]

Speaking for myself, if I found out my BF was infertile, it would have zero impact on my decision to marry. If I found that my BF refused to adopt, I would not marry him.

Why? Because who is to say that just because we are both fertile right now that we will stay that way? So if my BF refuses to adopt and in a few years we are ready to have children, we find out one of us is now infertile, then I cannot have a child? Nope. Not interested in that scenario.

Unfortunately, I saw that scenario play out in real life with a friend. She didn't think his prohibition against adoption was important because "of course" they were having biological children. It turned out that between the time they married and were ready to have kids, she had a medical problem that resulted in her being completely infertile. Her dh's prohibition against adoption remained intact and she had a hard decision to make about divorce.

So I think it's important to think about the implications.

 

[anniemae]

It absolutely would not matter to me. If I was in love, I would not hesitate to marry if my fiance announced they could not have children. My heart is open to any child, genetics are not important to me. There are no guarentees in life and the next person you met could also be infertile.

 

[Sydnie]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

Ditto this. While I would have been sad not to experience pregnancy it would have been a small sacrifice to make to start a family with the man I love.

 

[java]

It wouldn't matter how we had children to me. It would be the wanting of the children that would be a make or break for me.

 

[autumnpalm]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

I was trying to formulate an answer while reading the post, but this sums my feelings up perfectly.

 

[YodaGirl]

I find it interesting that this is your first post.

At any rate, I don't think that anyone who truly loves a person would call off a relationship due to fertility issues.

Fertility issues are hard enough to deal with without being dumped by someone who supposedly loves you because of it.

If DH had known that we would have issues with fertility, ad he chose to walk away, I'd say good riddance. He obviously didn't love me to begin with.

 

[Michelle67]

Of course it's really easy for me to say what I would or wouldn't do when I don't actually have to live with the situation, but...

I don't think it would change my mind. I'm reading "marriage material" through my own lenses; not just as "well, he'll do" but as "I really love this man and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him." Not being able to have children with my husband would have made me sad, but to have let him go would have broken my heart. I think that I would have accepted that we were just going to go down a different path, whether it be adoption or just loving and spoiling the daylights out of other people's children like my kids' godparents (who do not have children of their own) do.

 

[GAGirlInVA]

Personally, having children was very important to me. It did not matter to me if they were biologically mine or not--adoption would have been fine.
So, while I would not have married someone who was opposed to having children at all, I would have had no qualms about marrying someone who could not have biological children and then adopting.

Ditto!

 

[ZephyrHawk]

A spouse that wants to have children was my only marriage requirement. I got married to have legal protections for my future offspring, not because I'm particularly enamoured with the institution of marriage. Now, if he couldn't have kids, that sure wouldn't stop me from going to a bank and picking out an anonymous donor. I'm not all that interested in adoption.

 

[disneylovin24]

I would love to have kids someday and would really love to have my own biological kids and be pregnant and all. But, if I really feel in love with someone who I knew I could happily spend the rest of my life with then I would be able to accept them being infertile and us maybe not being able to have our own kids. I would be open to in vitro or a surrogate mother or adoption or whatever the situation called for to be able to have kids.

I would also be fine with it because I would want someone else to be fine with it if it happened to me. If I was unable to have kids myself I would hope that someone I was really in love with could accept that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

Sorry, but I cannot begin to comprehend your POV.....

The huge percentage of people would not know at a young age before dating and engagement that they might not be able to create a child.

Which then leads to the question.... what happens when no child is conceived, after what would be years of dating and marriage. The two questions/possibilities can not really be separated.

I suspect that you are not brand new to the DIS, and that this post is deeper than one might suspect.

I am with the poster who said the only thing that would affect my decision about marriage would be if my fiance/partner insisted that they would remain childless (for whatever reason).

 

[dngnb8]

What would you do if you were thinking that your current bf or gf could be marriage material, but before any engagment, they announced that they would never be able to have a biological child or be able to carry a child, or were against fertility treatments. Would this affect your decision in continuing things going forward.

My wife and I just had a discussion about this, and I told her it would have affected my decision in getting married to someone because having a biological child was important to me and for many reasons I am not open to adoption.

This is not hey we got married and found out we needed ivf, I am curious if you knew this information ahead of time, what would you do,

I want to keep this polite and expect all of you to do the same, you can disagree with someone and have class doing so.

If Biochildren are a component of your mate, then so be it.

 

[tlbwriter]

The huge percentage of people would not know at a young age before dating and engagement that they might not be able to create a child.

Unlikely but not impossible. Many people know, before they get married, that they are infertile or subfertile.

For me, wanting children and being willing to pursue that goal by whatever means necessary would be a dealbreaker. Being able to produce them biologically would not.

 

[SaraJayne]

It would have no bearing on my decision whether to marry that person or not.

 

[CurlyGirl]

Many people know, before they get married, that they are infertile or subfertile.

If they didn't try to procreate before getting married, how would they know? I have many friends who thought they would get pregnant right off the bat and have struggled. I have friends who had no idea that there were issues with their swimmers or had no idea that they weren't ovulating regularly until they started TTC. I had no idea if we'd struggle or not. None whatsoever. Didn't know if being on the pill would mess things up for my fertility. Had no idea if I was ovulating or if I had bad ovaries or tubes or hormones prior to TTC. No clue at all.

 

[Christine]

There's no right or wrong.

For me, personally, having a life partner that I loved and was the ONE would be far more important to me than children. My priorities in life were to find something to do that I loved and to find someone to be with, the children were secondary to that.