If you are an adoptee....

[Robbi]

YES, I have a personal reason for asking.



There is a group on Facebook called B*stard Nation, they do not think very highly of adoption. The members are adoptee's, they went an adoption website and told a woman who was considering giving up her child for adoption not to because it would ruin the child's life.

They seem to disagree with and dislike people who say they are "Happy Adoptees" A lot people on the WWW say happy adoptees are in a fog.

There are a lot of adoptee groups on FB that seem to disagree with adoption. however most are closed groups but you can get the idea either by the name of the group, for example Abolish Adoption.

Would they prefer never to have been born or to live with a parent(s) who didn't want them?

Our daughter belonged to a therapy group of adoptees. There were nights when adoptive parents and bio parents were invited if the bio parents were known. One thing that came up often when adoptees were bitter is they had a fantasy notion of who and what their birth parents were. They would resent their adoptive parents as though these people had ripped them from a happy home. The attitude was found even in older adoptees in their 30s and 40s. Once some of them found a birth parent, they realized that the parent(s) lives were not fairy tales or they came to accept the parents were not at a point where they could have cared for a baby. Others came to realize how lucky they were to have parents who loved them through the group therapy.

From what we learned, almost all adoptees go through a grieving stage where they mourn the loss of their birth parents and feel abandoned no matter why they were put up for adoption. No matter how much adoptive parents love their children, IMO, for both their good and the good of their children, some therapy should be sought. Kids sometimes will try to hide their feelings from their parents because they are afraid to hurt them. If a child begins to act out, it could be due to them grieving or struggling with their adoption.

 

[Jey12]

So do they think they all should have been aborted, or that everyone who gets pregnant should have to keep it?

Yes they do.

Although I have never found where abortion is an alternative to adoption and vice versa with people I have known. Adoption is an alternative to being a parent, and abortion is an alternative to being a parent and being pregnant, but abortion is not an alternative to adoption. Most people who decide to place their child for adoption did not seriously consider abortion, and in the same respect women who choose abortion often do not consider adoption to be a viable choice for them.

As a foster Mom to babies, I would like to point out that often babies come to me because the Mom simply could not take care of them. Perhaps it was drug or alcohol abuse, maybe mental illness or homelessness. What do we do then?

The system has been set up to help children in need. I am not sure what these people opposed to adoption would suggest instead.

They often are not opposed to children who have been removed from biological parents due to neglect or abuse from being adopted. Many of this group encourage adoptive parents to only seek children already in the system. Of course there are a few extreme members who will tell you that with work all children can remain in their biological homes, but they are very few in this group. The vast majority is opposed to the private and international adoptions. While I do not completely disagree with some of them on a few of these points. I do feel that in some countries providing babies for Americans has become nothing more than a good source of income, and it is another form of child trafficking. Often the adoptive parents do not do enough research about what is really going on with the adoption world and their child's country of origin. Recently in my area a little girl was adopted by a couple in Guatamala and 6 years later her biological parents finally track her down. They had been searching for her, since the day she was kidnapped in her front yard, for over 4 years. She was taken and sold to the orphanage and then "adopted" to an uneducated (about adoption) American couple. This was the same time frame we were looking into adoption and this country was quickly crossed off my list because of these very reasons. A little bit of education goes a long way.

They also feel in the US that so many women are convinced because they are poor they should give up their child. They do not want adoption agencies to promise large amounts of "birth mother" expenses to the biological moms to coerce them to place. Once again with a little research they would find out most states put a cap at a certain amount on birth mother expenses and they have to be for certain things such as food and utilities and documentation must be provided that this is where the money is going.

Now where they start to wander off from the point of reality into their own little, blame everyone but myself, world is.....They think all adoptive parents who adopt from anywhere but foster are predators. They think they prey on the working uterus of unsuspecting woman and claim their womb as their own. They will say infertile women feel entitled to another woman's child and use these poor woman as their personal incubators. While I'm sure there are some out there who do close to this, it is not the norm, nor is it a rational thought to have. It's like they never progress mentally past that of a 10-12 year old child. At the age of 10 I wanted to be the child of my friend's parents because they had all of the cool toys. My life would have been so much better if I had ended up with different parents, and blah blah blah. I wasn't adopted and still had these thoughts. Totally normal thoughts for a child in this age range. Then I grew up.....

 

[Robbi]

Yes they do.

Although I have never found where abortion is an alternative to adoption and vice versa with people I have known. Adoption is an alternative to being a parent, and abortion is an alternative to being a parent and being pregnant, but abortion is not an alternative to adoption. Most people who decide to place their child for adoption did not seriously consider abortion, and in the same respect women who choose abortion often do not consider adoption to be a viable choice for them.



They often are not opposed to children who have been removed from biological parents due to neglect or abuse from being adopted. Many of this group encourage adoptive parents to only seek children already in the system. Of course there are a few extreme members who will tell you that with work all children can remain in their biological homes, but they are very few in this group. The vast majority is opposed to the private and international adoptions. While I do not completely disagree with some of them on a few of these points. I do feel that in some countries providing babies for Americans has become nothing more than a good source of income, and it is another form of child trafficking. Often the adoptive parents do not do enough research about what is really going on with the adoption world and their child's country of origin. Recently in my area a little girl was adopted by a couple in Guatamala and 6 years later her biological parents finally track her down. They had been searching for her, since the day she was kidnapped in her front yard, for over 4 years. She was taken and sold to the orphanage and then "adopted" to an uneducated (about adoption) American couple. This was the same time frame we were looking into adoption and this country was quickly crossed off my list because of these very reasons. A little bit of education goes a long way.

They also feel in the US that so many women are convinced because they are poor they should give up their child. They do not want adoption agencies to promise large amounts of "birth mother" expenses to the biological moms to coerce them to place. Once again with a little research they would find out most states put a cap at a certain amount on birth mother expenses and they have to be for certain things such as food and utilities and documentation must be provided that this is where the money is going.

Now where they start to wander off from the point of reality into their own little, blame everyone but myself, world is.....They think all adoptive parents who adopt from anywhere but foster are predators. They think they prey on the working uterus of unsuspecting woman and claim their womb as their own. They will say infertile women feel entitled to another woman's child and use these poor woman as their personal incubators. While I'm sure there are some out there who do close to this, it is not the norm, nor is it a rational thought to have. It's like they never progress mentally past that of a 10-12 year old child. At the age of 10 I wanted to be the child of my friend's parents because they had all of the cool toys. My life would have been so much better if I had ended up with different parents, and blah blah blah. I wasn't adopted and still had these thoughts. Totally normal thoughts for a child in this age range. Then I grew up.....

What makes this group think they can dictate where parents get their children?
I don't know where these people are but I do know in our area that birth parents are given every opportunity to keep their child.
They sound like loons.

 

[ddwwelsh]

Let me start by saying that I know my story isn't the norm, but let it be a cautionary tale.

I am 46 years old. Just over a year ago, I discovered that I was adopted AND that I had an older, biological half brother who had also been placed for adoption eleven months earlier.

My adoptive mother was not an ideal mother at all. She was an abusive alcoholic who alienated friends and family to prevent them from getting close to me and possibly telling me the truth about my birth history. She went out of her way to fabricate all sorts of tales about her pregnancy and my birth.

Over the years, there were slips of the tongue by family members-her father, for one. Every time that I questioned something, she always had a response. As I got older, I realized that things did not make sense. However, I had learned never to challenge or question. Plus, for every thing that seemed out of sync, she somehow had a response or reason.

It took me nearly 45 years to work up the courage to find out the truth. I suspected that I was adopted, but what was so upsetting was finding out to what lengths she went to prevent me from knowing anything about my birth history.

I am fortunate that, within less than three months, I acquired my purged files and located my birth mother and brother. My birth mother denies ever giving birth to either of us. My brother and I have spoken once, but we text and communicate via Facebook.

There's a lot more to my story. I am saddened to think that any child would have to go through what I've been through.

My overall opinion on adoption:
*Adoptees should not be the ones to "pay" for acquiring their files or birth history. No one should have the right to deny an adoptee their right to birth history, etc.
*Files should automatically be opened and handed to adoptees at the age of 18.
*No matter how open and loving adoptive parents are, most adoptees have a need to feel some sort of physical connection to this world. It was realizing that my daughter was my only physical connection to this world that motivated me to at least try to find the origins of my roots.
*Not knowing is like going through life with your shoes on the wrong feet.

If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask. I don't want to hijack this thread any more than I have. Thanks for listening/reading.

 

[Robbi]

Let me start by saying that I know my story isn't the norm, but let it be a cautionary tale.

I am 46 years old. Just over a year ago, I discovered that I was adopted AND that I had an older, biological half brother who had also been placed for adoption eleven months earlier.

My adoptive mother was not an ideal mother at all. She was an abusive alcoholic who alienated friends and family to prevent them from getting close to me and possibly telling me the truth about my birth history. She went out of her way to fabricate all sorts of tales about her pregnancy and my birth.

Over the years, there were slips of the tongue by family members-her father, for one. Every time that I questioned something, she always had a response. As I got older, I realized that things did not make sense. However, I had learned never to challenge or question. Plus, for every thing that seemed out of sync, she somehow had a response or reason.

It took me nearly 45 years to work up the courage to find out the truth. I suspected that I was adopted, but what was so upsetting was finding out to what lengths she went to prevent me from knowing anything about my birth history.

I am fortunate that, within less than three months, I acquired my purged files and located my birth mother and brother. My birth mother denies ever giving birth to either of us. My brother and I have spoken once, but we text and communicate via Facebook.

There's a lot more to my story. I am saddened to think that any child would have to go through what I've been through.

My overall opinion on adoption:
*Adoptees should not be the ones to "pay" for acquiring their files or birth history. No one should have the right to deny an adoptee their right to birth history, etc.
*Files should automatically be opened and handed to adoptees at the age of 18.
*No matter how open and loving adoptive parents are, most adoptees have a need to feel some sort of physical connection to this world. It was realizing that my daughter was my only physical connection to this world that motivated me to at least try to find the origins of my roots.
*Not knowing is like going through life with your shoes on the wrong feet.

If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask. I don't want to hijack this thread any more than I have. Thanks for listening/reading.

I'm sorry for you bad experiences.
It's so hard for me to understand why someone would go through the extensive adoption process and then abuse their child. It's heartbreaking.
I am glad that you found your brother. You must find each other a great source of support.

 

[Rylee]

I am adopted and willing to share my thoughts.

I'm usually hesitant to open these threads because nothing irritates me more than to have people who are NOT adopted, discuss how adoptees should feel, think, react, etc. I find the strongest reactions sometimes come from adoptive mothers. I could take a guess at why some become defensive, but since I'm not an adoptive parent, I won't speak for them.

Most importantly, every person and case is different. Considering all the different factors, obviously, the individuals involved will be affected differently and have different experiences. Compassion and understanding would serve us well.

I love my parents, (adoptive) and they are my "real" parents. Based on my feelings and relationships with my own 5 biological children, I don't believe my adoptive parents and I would be any more bonded had we been biologically related. My parents and I actually forget I'm adopted, (e.g., when giving medical history.) I have never doubted their love or commitment to me and I am devoted to them.

I will say, growing up, I always felt something was missing. Not a mother, I had a mother, a wonderful mother, father, too, but still something was missing. I had a very strong need for information, a need "to know," and once I had that information, I no longer felt anything was missing. After the birth of my first child, I searched and found, first, my biological mother, and then my father.

My bio-mother's story is a sad one. She made the right decision to place me for adoption. And, while I feel sorry for her and for what she went through, I didn't feel any bond with her whatsoever. I'm glad I met her, glad I got my answers, and she was glad to know I was, "okay." Although she may have liked more of a relationship, we didn't keep in touch. I grew up with an adoptive brother, and he has no desire to meet his biological parents.

I always wanted to adopt a child, (still do) and DH was willing, but our youngest was born with a rare birth defect and will need our full attention and support into young adulthood.

At the same time, I've always known... I would never give up my own child. Thank goodness I was never in a position to have to consider making such a hard decision.

 

[Jey12]

What makes this group think they can dictate where parents get their children?
I don't know where these people are but I do know in our area that birth parents are given every opportunity to keep their child.
They sound like loons.

They are very angry and bitter people who are looking for someone to blame. Honestly I feel sorry for them. I am passionate about many topics, but I don't feel the anger so many in this group seem to have.

Let me start by saying that I know my story isn't the norm, but let it be a cautionary tale.


My overall opinion on adoption:
*Adoptees should not be the ones to "pay" for acquiring their files or birth history. No one should have the right to deny an adoptee their right to birth history, etc.
*Files should automatically be opened and handed to adoptees at the age of 18.
*No matter how open and loving adoptive parents are, most adoptees have a need to feel some sort of physical connection to this world. It was realizing that my daughter was my only physical connection to this world that motivated me to at least try to find the origins of my roots.
*Not knowing is like going through life with your shoes on the wrong feet.

If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask. I don't want to hijack this thread any more than I have. Thanks for listening/reading.

Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry. I am sorry that any child has to grow up this way.

I 100% agree with you that adoption records should not be sealed. Some have suggested a full family medical history should be available for all adoptees, but I think they also need the ability to contact someone in their biological family at some point in time as well. If I had filled out a medical history form at the age of 18, it would not be complete now and there would be many things a child of mine would need to know since that time.

There are only 7 states in the entire United States who do not seal adoption records. Meaning in these states when an adopted child turns 18 all they have to do is request a copy of their original birth certificate. In the vast majority of states an adopted person has to pay to petition the court and explain why they want their own birth certificate. Could you imagine having to go to court and explain why you wanted something like this? It's yours, it's about you and it should be yours.

I'm glad you mention the physical connection. This was another major reason I wanted an open adoption. As DD grows older it will not be my face she sees in the mirror, and it will not be my hands she notices one day out of the blue. She is as much a part of me as any biological child could have been, but that doesn't change our physical differences. I thought it was important for her to look in the mirror at some point in her life and know where her beautiful face comes from.

I am glad you were able to gain closure and valuable medical information. I am sorry your mother was so insecure she couldn't admit to you much sooner that you have 2 mothers. I have never understood this from some adoptive parents. I am not intimidated in the slightest by DD knowing and having a relationship with all of her family, biological and adopted. Of course this is the situation with DD and her biological family. Once we become official foster parents I will have to decide what contact is in the best interest of the child. Obviously there will be a big difference between DD's biological family situation and a foster child's. As a PP stated, every situation is different and there cannot be a blanket thought that will come close to covering all.

 

[kellyg403]

Before I started my search for my biological parents I sat in on some group support meetings with Adoption Network in Ohio!
I had to stop going - I couldn't stand it! Quite a few "knew" all their problems would never have happened if they hasn't been abandoned or if they just found their birth mothers all their problems would be solved! These people would have been messed up no matter who raised them! It was also sad because often their parents came with them to these meetings - fully supporting their searches. You could tell how much they loved their children and it must have been so heartbreaking to be blamed for everything wrong in their children's lives!

And this type of thing doesn't happen just in adopted children's life. Children raised in bio families(single parent/sibling) or blended families who do not see one parent have these grandiose ideas of life with the absent 'parent'.

And you are correct that the families loved these children so much they go and do whatever is necessary to make them 'better'. It is difficult to hear how things would have been better, they would have been better, if that parent had been there for them. Often that is NOT the case. This is not an only because they were adopted issue. Its a 'person' issue. Everyone deals with things differently.

I would have adopted, and honestly dh and I discussed it several times, wondered if we could etc etc. Age (ours) was a factor finally in why we did not attempt to pursue it. I applaud any woman or man who has to make that ultimate decision, regardless of what caused it. I do know some adoptees and I agree with another poster who commented on the sibling interaction/contact. Both that I know, that was something that was on their mind and what they questioned the most.

Kelly

 

[DawnM]

This makes me incredibly sad.

You can only play the victim so long before you need to start looking at the real reason you have issues OR start dealing with them!

I did not have those issues. My son does not have those issues. If you met him you would agree he is simply an amazing kid. He is helpful, nice, gets along with everyone, is incredibly smart, and just loves life. We are beyond lucky to have him.

Dawn

YES, I have a personal reason for asking.



There is a group on Facebook called B*stard Nation, they do not think very highly of adoption. The members are adoptee's, they went an adoption website and told a woman who was considering giving up her child for adoption not to because it would ruin the child's life.

They seem to disagree with and dislike people who say they are "Happy Adoptees" A lot people on the WWW say happy adoptees are in a fog.

There are a lot of adoptee groups on FB that seem to disagree with adoption. however most are closed groups but you can get the idea either by the name of the group, for example Abolish Adoption.

 

[ddwwelsh]

I'm glad you mention the physical connection. This was another major reason I wanted an open adoption. As DD grows older it will not be my face she sees in the mirror, and it will not be my hands she notices one day out of the blue. She is as much a part of me as any biological child could have been, but that doesn't change our physical differences. I thought it was important for her to look in the mirror at some point in her life and know where her beautiful face comes from.

A lot of people don't seem to "get" this-to look in the mirror or at pictures and wonder if there's anyone out there who might even remotely resemble you or from where certain features derived.

It's basic curiosity. People all over take pride in their heritage or culture. Recently, my thirteen year old asked me, "So what are we? Where were our ancestors from?" I just looked at her and said, "I have no clue." For a moment she forgot about my situation and just asked an innocent question, and then she must have seen something in my expression, and she realized that I honestly have no clue. Even now, when I fill out information on medical forms, it's a very empty feeling to put a giant question mark in the columns requesting parents' health history.

Granted, there are questionnaires and forms that birth mothers are required to fill out; however, in my situation, it's evident from my purged files, that my birth mother wasn't forthright with many details. I've read that-especially with adoptees of my generation-social workers or adoptive parents often embellished or altered birth history details to paint a prettier picture.

Again, I'm not sharing my story as a "poor-woe-is-me" tale. I'm sharing as a late-discovery adoptee who has and still is working through all of the details.

 

[moon]

So do they think they all should have been aborted, or that everyone who gets pregnant should have to keep it?

Or that orphans are better off never being adopted?

 

[DawnM]

I'm glad you mention the physical connection. This was another major reason I wanted an open adoption. As DD grows older it will not be my face she sees in the mirror, and it will not be my hands she notices one day out of the blue. She is as much a part of me as any biological child could have been, but that doesn't change our physical differences. I thought it was important for her to look in the mirror at some point in her life and know where her beautiful face comes from.

A lot of people don't seem to "get" this-to look in the mirror or at pictures and wonder if there's anyone out there who might even remotely resemble you or from where certain features derived.

It's basic curiosity. People all over take pride in their heritage or culture. Recently, my thirteen year old asked me, "So what are we? Where were our ancestors from?" I just looked at her and said, "I have no clue." For a moment she forgot about my situation and just asked an innocent question, and then she must have seen something in my expression, and she realized that I honestly have no clue. Even now, when I fill out information on medical forms, it's a very empty feeling to put a giant question mark in the columns requesting parents' health history.

Granted, there are questionnaires and forms that birth mothers are required to fill out; however, in my situation, it's evident from my purged files, that my birth mother wasn't forthright with many details. I've read that-especially with adoptees of my generation-social workers or adoptive parents often embellished or altered birth history details to paint a prettier picture.

Again, I'm not sharing my story as a "poor-woe-is-me" tale. I'm sharing as a late-discovery adoptee who has and still is working through all of the details.

This may be part of the issue. I have known since I was very young that I was adopted. I have never found birth parents but have tried to no avail. I don't really have an empty feeling filling out forms, in fact, I find it easier......just stick an N/A on there and I am DONE with filling out this form!

My older two sons are mine biologically. One looks like me, the other one looks more like my DH or maybe even another side of my family, hard to tell since I don't know.

I WOULD be interested to know if I have siblings. I grew up as an only child and have always wanted siblings.

Dawn

 

[ceemys]

My daughter was adopted from China at age 8.5 months. My life wouldn't be the same, she completely changed me for the better.

 

[Stitchfans]

I am an adoptee and I am totally against closed sealed adoptions- I feel you have the right to know your history. I would adopt but I would never ever give my own flesh and blood up for adoption. My adoption was closedl.

Only read up to this person's post. I also am an adoptee and agree with everything she said. I've been searching for my birth-mother and her family for years. Even though I have tons of information collected it still is not enough.

 

[ronandannette]

I am both an adoptee and a birth-parent.

I don't think people go around willy nilly deciding to put babies up for adoption. They are usually in a place where they simply can't keep the baby and choose that over the other obvious choice.

"Can't" isn't precisely accurate...in our society in the present day and age pretty much anybody that can produce a child can parent...but that certainly doesn't make it a loving or responsible choice in every case. There are a million different circumstances that would factor into what is an extremely agonizing decision. Releasing for adoption is far and away the least-common outcome to a pregnancy (unplanned or not) and takes a whole different kind of motivation and resolve over abortion or choosing to parent (which is obviously the natural default).

I am adopted and willing to share my thoughts.



At the same time, I've always known... I would never give up my own child. Thank goodness I was never in a position to have to consider making such a hard decision.

This is a very insightful statement.

 

[manning]

I am an adoptee who is also considering adoption in a few years. I am also against open adoption. For me I have 1 mom. The woman who gave birth to me I am eternally grateful for. If she sought me out I would be willing to meet with her. I don't need her in my life. I have my mom. I know it sounds harsh, but I personally feel that open adoptions would and can cause a huge problem. I have seen meeting biological parents go really good. I have seen it go really bad. I don't need to meet any of my biological family. I have 1 family. I am good with that.

In order to have the chance of the meeting to be good you have to risk that it may not.

 

[MickeySP]

I think they think there is no good reason to give a child up for adoption. So everyone should keep their child no matter what.

Thankfully my bio parents were not as selfish as this. I have a wonderful full life both spiritually & financially. I never wanted for love, or had hardships that would have been if a was raised by my bio parents.

I am adopted and willing to share my thoughts.

I'm usually hesitant to open these threads because nothing irritates me more than to have people who are NOT adopted, discuss how adoptees should feel, think, react, etc. I find the strongest reactions sometimes come from adoptive mothers. I could take a guess at why some become defensive, but since I'm not an adoptive parent, I won't speak for them.

Most importantly, every person and case is different. Considering all the different factors, obviously, the individuals involved will be affected differently and have different experiences. Compassion and understanding would serve us well.

I love my parents, (adoptive) and they are my "real" parents. Based on my feelings and relationships with my own 5 biological children, I don't believe my adoptive parents and I would be any more bonded had we been biologically related. My parents and I actually forget I'm adopted, (e.g., when giving medical history.) I have never doubted their love or commitment to me and I am devoted to them.

I will say, growing up, I always felt something was missing. Not a mother, I had a mother, a wonderful mother, father, too, but still something was missing. I had a very strong need for information, a need "to know," and once I had that information, I no longer felt anything was missing. After the birth of my first child, I searched and found, first, my biological mother, and then my father.

My bio-mother's story is a sad one. She made the right decision to place me for adoption. And, while I feel sorry for her and for what she went through, I didn't feel any bond with her whatsoever. I'm glad I met her, glad I got my answers, and she was glad to know I was, "okay." Although she may have liked more of a relationship, we didn't keep in touch. I grew up with an adoptive brother, and he has no desire to meet his biological parents.

I always wanted to adopt a child, (still do) and DH was willing, but our youngest was born with a rare birth defect and will need our full attention and support into young adulthood.

At the same time, I've always known... I would never give up my own child. Thank goodness I was never in a position to have to consider making such a hard decision.

I am actually grateful I was in that position. It gave me a huge perspective on what my bio parents went through. It all so gave me a new respect for my mother & father. I knew what they wanted but they let me make my own decision. I think it nearly killed my mother until I decided to keep my son. I could see her visibly exhale for the first time in months. I was so lucky to have the means & support from them to be a single parent for the first few years of my DS's life.

I don't have any need to "find" anyone. If they ever reached out to me I would welcome them but my "roots" transplanted very nicely from their garden to my home.

 

[Robbi]

I think they think there is no good reason to give a child up for adoption. So everyone should keep their child no matter what.

My daughter who is adopted says she's so happy that not everyone thinks like you do. She had a couple of other comments but I can't post them on the Dis.

 

[Jey12]

My daughter who is adopted says she's so happy that not everyone thinks like you do. She had a couple of other comments but I can't post them on the Dis.

This isn't the OP's thoughts. They were simply saying what the theme seems to be of a facebook group. The OP never said these were their feelings.

 

[MickeySP]

My daughter who is adopted says she's so happy that not everyone thinks like you do. She had a couple of other comments but I can't post them on the Dis.

She was quoting from the BN group who are very radically anti-adoption