If a marriage ends within the first year, should the couple return the wedding gifts?

[Ember]

Okay, to me it seems like an odd question, but I have a friend who was married last spring and is now getting divorced. It's been 9 months. They had a medium to large wedding (first marriage for both of them) and many of the gifts they received haven't even been opened yet. I was talking to my friend today and she tells me she's been asked over and over if she will be returning people's wedding gifts because the marriage was so short.

Is this common?

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I'm not sure what might be common in this situation. Personally, I would never consider asking someone to return a gift to me.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

No, the gifts don't have to be returned. What are they going to do, have everyone come over one afternoon and pick up the gift?

On the other hand, I wouldn't give as generous a gift for the inevitable next wedding.

 

[crazee4mickey]

After 9 months, no I don't think they should have to return the gifts and I think it's extremely tacky that people have the gall to ask for them back

 

[MichelleinMaine]

What on earth would the gift-giver do with a used set of towels or blender returned to them?

(never heard of this here, either)

 

[C.Ann]

I would never expect someone to "return" a gift - even if the marriage only lasted a month!

Have people actually asked that they be returned?

 

[Bluestars]

gift  [gift]
–noun
1. something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.


_________

No, I don't think they need to return the gifts.

 

[brockash]

Okay, to me it seems like an odd question, but I have a friend who was married last spring and is now getting divorced. It's been 9 months. They had a medium to large wedding (first marriage for both of them) and many of the gifts they received haven't even been opened yet. I was talking to my friend today and she tells me she's been asked over and over if she will be returning people's wedding gifts because the marriage was so short.

Is this common?

Wow, that's very odd, and it would really make me question the character of those asking if they'll be returning their gift??? WTH???? I'm assuming there wasn't some kind of contract stating that the couple was to only keep these gifts if they were married for at least a yr I would never dream of asking someone to give me back any gift I give them, no matter what the circumstance.

 

[VillageMama]

I vote yes, they should be voluntarily returned (not asked for). They were given to help the couple get their household established.

Very quickly afterward, they are breaking up that household. But you all make a good point about the items being unwanted by the givers and unable to be returned to the stores.

I feel bad for couples in this situation. Either they keep the gifts and divide them in the divorce, in which case, neither person has the makings of an entire household... or they give them back and realize that at future weddings, folks aren't going to be as likely to help them again.

 

[Imzadi]

Isn't there some etiquette rule that can be Googled?

If the gifts have never been opened or used, it might be polite to return them, especially if the gifter knows they were never used. At some stores, like Kohls, you can return an item at any time, even 9 months and get money back.

Otherwise, as someone else said, don't expect a big gift, next wedding. If I had the nerve, I'd love to include a catalog pic of the item I sent and say something like, "Hope you will finally be able to use the blender, this time." But, of course, I wouldn't do that.

 

[java]

We couldn't attend a wedding- It was on a cruise ship. They invited us and our 4 kids to attend a week long wedding in October.
We declined as we didn't have the $6000+ to take the trip and the kids had school.

I had planned on sending a gift. 6 months later they divorced and I never sent a gift. Now I am glad I was procrastinating. I sent my cousin(the groom) a gift when he moved into his apartment instead.

 

[ziggystardust]

this reminds me of a story i overheard someone telling at a bar

he was saying that he went to this huge wedding and gave an appropriate gift. couple goes on the honeymoon, come home, tell their parents its over. the dad goes to the bride and says basically tell me what this guy did to you that would make you do this? her response, oh we knew before the wedding, but felt bad since the invites had already gone out. dad flipped. the guy at the bar said, i'm not asking for my money back but the next wedding i'm invited to, i'm taking advantage of the 1 year grace period to give a gift..

 

[FireDancer]

I went to a wedding that was annulled less then two weeks later. Not only were none of the gifts returned but we also never got thank you cards. The same person is getting married again and while I am going they are getting only a card and no additional gift.

 

[Bluestars]

I would assume that after several months, whatever I gave them would be opened and used. I think it's more common for people to use their gifts than to store them unopened. I could be wrong about that. I opened and put away all of mine within the first month. I didn't save the boxes either.

 

[JerseyJanice]

this reminds me of a story i overheard someone telling at a bar

he was saying that he went to this huge wedding and gave an appropriate gift. couple goes on the honeymoon, come home, tell their parents its over. the dad goes to the bride and says basically tell me what this guy did to you that would make you do this? her response, oh we knew before the wedding, but felt bad since the invites had already gone out. dad flipped. the guy at the bar said, i'm not asking for my money back but the next wedding i'm invited to, i'm taking advantage of the 1 year grace period to give a gift..

Great story, Ziggy!

We have a relative who had an enormous and very elaborate wedding. The marriage lasted about 6 months. To my knowledge, the couple did not return gifts--ours didn't come back. The bride (our relative) stayed in the home they established. She married someone else about 2 years later and had a small and modest wedding that we were not invited to.

We never expected to get back the shower and wedding gifts we gave for her first wedding, and we never felt obliged to give her anything for the second.

 

[cbmstephanie]

I wouldn't expect the gift back, but I also wouldn't give a gift for the second wedding, unless there were extenuating circumstances. I don't quite know what those circumstances would have to be??

 

[kaffinito]

I vote yes, they should be voluntarily returned (not asked for). They were given to help the couple get their household established.

Very quickly afterward, they are breaking up that household. But you all make a good point about the items being unwanted by the givers and unable to be returned to the stores.

I feel bad for couples in this situation. Either they keep the gifts and divide them in the divorce, in which case, neither person has the makings of an entire household... or they give them back and realize that at future weddings, folks aren't going to be as likely to help them again.

That was the proper etiquette for such an occasion years ago. It didn't apply to the gifts that were used, but to those that were still unopened or unused. How gross to get a used gift back!

 

[Scornelius]

My sister's marriage was over within 3 months. She didn't give back any of the gifts, and they just divided them during the divorce. Her first marriage was a destination wedding, and about 50 people went along at $2000 a person. (DH and I went to WDW instead.)

She recently married again, also a tropical destination wedding. This time they didn't invite anyone along, and I don't think they'll be having a reception or expecting gifts. I sure hope not, since it's only been 2 years since her last wedding. Expect gifts, that is. I have no issue at all with a celebration.

I think if it's a couple who knew they were not going to stay together and just didn't want to cancel the wedding (I was a bridesmaid for one of those weddings. ), they should give back the gifts and especially the cash and cheques. But if you've actually lived as spouses for some length of time, I think they should just be divvied up. I imagine a divorce would be hard enough without trying to remember who gave the blender and which towels came from which grandma, KWIM?

 

[Ember]

Have people actually asked that they be returned?

Apparently so. I could see one person asking, because, really, no matter what the situation there will always be one of those people... But I guess she's been asked multiple times and so has he.

I know they were given a lot of cash gifts, but even if they wanted to give the money back I bet they have no idea who gave how much...

The whole thing just seems very strange to me.

We never expected to get back the shower and wedding gifts we gave for her first wedding, and we never felt obliged to give her anything for the second.

If she gets married again, which I'm sure will happen at some point in the future as she's only in her mid-twenties, I will only be giving a card and maybe a small token gift. But then, anytime I've given a substantial gift at a first wedding that's what I do.

 

[Jennasis]

I divorced my first husband after 7 months of marriage. We did not return gifts. Wedding gifts were the last thing on my mind at the time. I married my current husband 5 years later in a much MUCH smaller wedding (because I wanted the more intimate wedding rather than the posh over-the-top affair my first wedding was). My family was no less generous to us at my second wedding...it was also my husband's first wedding.