I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[Mkrop]

I knew that and I'm not even from PA! Even funnier is that we (my family) called sprinkles "jimmies" and then when I met DH (who is NOT from PA, nor knows anyone from PA) told me his family called them jimmies too.

What do you know? It really is a small world after all!

Ok let's see how my poll does

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1722789

 

[Mkrop]

Hello neighbor! Springfield here!!!!




If everyone migrated from Delco...you must live in Chester Co. now!!!

Well that wasnt hard to guess

 

[disneyfan2kids]

Well that wasnt hard to guess

O'Hara?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Well that wasnt hard to guess

Actually most of my neighbors are from Delaware Country and I don't live in Chester County. I am in Lancaster County just next door.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

Maybe DH and I are the odd ones here but I have been able to pick up on what he does to show is love to me and he has been able to pick up on what I do to show my love to him.

I am really sad to see so many in this day and age who are still role playing the traditional male and female roles and then get upset that they get no help.

Neither DH or I play the traditional roles. We are both capable of doing every job that is needed around the house.

I have been know to do a job that he needed to do after work when I had some free time that day. Why would I do it? For two reasons. One I am showing him that I wanted to make his life a little easier and the other is that now he has more free time so we can do something together. BTW he does the same for me too.

Well for one what I wrote has nothing to do with "traditional roles" or who is capable of doing what. People are capable of buying their own flowers too, but they usually don't, because that isn't the point. Women can just as easily have physical touch be their love language, and men acts of service, these things have no gender barriers. Some couples have the same love languages and have no issues, some have different ones and pick this up naturally. Others need a lot of help in this area and do not understand why they are working so hard and their spouse doesn't see it, and THOSE people are who I was referring to. Pat yourself on the back for how great your marriage is, but a lot of people's aren't and what I posted is a VERY common problem in our culture and seems very relevant to this particular discussion. And FWIW my marriage sounds alot like yours from everything you've written, so I get your perspective 100%, but with the learning what I have for becoming a marriage and family therapist I can see the other side too. For some it just doesn't work out like that without a ton of learning and effort on the part of both.

I'm sorry, I just think that if he took the time to go out to the florist and pick flowers and arrainge them, even if he didn't get the exact ones she wanted, AND he comes on here and asks for advice, he seems to be pretty sensitive to his wife and wants to make her happy. I am sorry, but for some people, no matter what you do or how hard you try, you just can't please them! I am not saying there isn't something wrong here, but he is not a mind reader! If she needs more, than she needs to open up her mouth and say something, not play games about it. In my household, we have a saying, I can't fix what's wrong if I don't know about it. If my husband is feeling neglected or upset about something, then he needs to come and tell me, because I am not a mind reader! I understand that she did make it perfectly clear that she doesn't like red roses and she did tell him, and I can't really for the life of me understand why he bought her red roses when he was at the florist and could have picked from a million other flowers, but the point is she totally blew it out of porportion, and it was never really about the flowers, and she should just tell him what it is instead of making him guess and making them all miserable including their kids.

Well if he didn't listen to her about the flowers why would you assume he's been listening to her for the other 18 years? How do you know she hasn't been telling him for years and finally given up because he never responded? My point with giving the example of what it looks like 10 years down the road is that by the time it hits this point the reactions are NOT logical, they are not valid in porportion to the direct situation at hand, and it is not clear what they are REALLY about. They are built on a long time of not having needs met in the relationship, and are just a symptom of a much bigger problem. If you tell your dh your needs and he works to meet them, and vice versa this would never apply to you. But unfortunately not all relationships are like that.

 

[Mkrop]

O'Hara?

Wow I cant fool you can I? It is that six degrees of separation thing Although with OHara it is a about a one degree.

87 and you?

Actually most of my neighbors are from Delaware Country and I don't live in Chester County. I am in Lancaster County just next door.

Well then they moved sooooooo far away Do they all know each other, did they all go to OHara? that is the local Catholic HS.

 

[disneyfan2kids]

Wow I cant fool you can I? It is that six degrees of separation thing Although with OHara it is a about a one degree.

87 and you?

93

Yes...you are absolutely correct, O'Hara is definitely a "one degree"

 

[mickeyfan2]

Well then they moved sooooooo far away Do they all know each other, did they all go to OHara? that is the local Catholic HS.

A few knew each other but most did not. I actually never heard any of them say where they went to high school. Most of them are Catholic, so it is possible.

DH and I are the only ones in our immediate area they were actually Lancaster Country residents before moving here.

 

[Mkrop]

A few knew each other but most did not. I actually never heard any of them say where they went to high school. Most of them are Catholic, so it is possible.

DH and I are the only ones in our immediate area they were actually Lancaster Country residents before moving here.

Well there is you ice breaker for the next block party?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Well there is you ice breaker for the next block party?

I'll have to remember to ask this at the annual pig roast our neighbor does each September.

 

[Mkrop]

93

Yes...you are absolutely correct, O'Hara is definitely a "one degree"

Ahh you are young...

see even in cyberspace we find each other, DH says it is creepy, he feels surrounded. He says if he hears one more time" honey this is so and so I went to HS with him/her" he is going to scream.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I haven't read through all the other posts but here is my two cents.

The wife is ungrateful. Hubby took the time to do something nice for her and she pouted over it. Very immature.

I think sometimes women get something in their head...have expectations...don't communicate and then are upset when their significant other can't read their mind and get/do what they want.

The wife is the one in the wrong here. Hubby didn't "ruin" Valentines Day. the wife did and she is setting the bad example for the children.

She should be happy she has a husband that thought of her and wanted to do something for her. Where is the incentive for him to do anything for her again? What's the point?
What did she do for him for Valentines Day?

 

[disykat]

I think sometimes women get something in their head...have expectations...don't communicate and then are upset when their significant other can't read their mind and get/do what they want.

HEEHEE This cracked me up. It is hard to read someones mind when you think "not a fan of flowers" means she'd love to get some for Valentine's Day.

I think we should have a poll of what do you think "not a fan of" means. I'm going to start one.

 

[mickeyfan2]

HEEHEE This cracked me up. It is hard to read someones mind when you think "not a fan of flowers" means she'd love to get some for Valentine's Day.

I think we should have a poll of what do you think "not a fan of" means. I'm going to start one.

I'll look for your poll.

To me "not a fan of" means it would not be my first or second choice but it is still a valid gift.

 

[Ride Junkie]

(Let me preface this with the fact that I am married to the most wonderful man alive )
It's always been a running joke that HE likes chocolate ice cream and I like Vanilla. Neither of us like the other's preference. Well, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and on bed-rest. I heard the "bells" outside for the ice cream truck. Begged DH to go get me ice cream (pregnancy cravings & hormones raging.) He comes in with chocolate ice cream with chocolate jimmies. I tried to remain calm and said "You know I don't like chocolate ice cream...and now the truck is gone!!" He said "I know but I LOVE chocolate ice cream and I figured we could share the cone." NOT a good answer for a pregnant woman who was craving ice cream!!!

I had to laugh! With my DH, it's his family that does stuff like this. A few years ago for his birthday, they wanted to get him a cake. So they got him the ONE kind of cake neither of us can stand: chocolate with white frosting. And it was filled with the ONE fruit filling neither of us can stand: cherries. ANY other type of cake or filling would have been fine! We just looked at each other and laughed. Everybody kept asking why neither of us was eating the cake. Finally, DH broke down and told his mom, "How is it that after 35 years, you don't remember that I hate cherries?" She just laughed and said, "Oh yeah, strawberries are your favorite, huh? Oops." So everybody actually had a good laugh, he wasn't really mad or anything.

Luckily, we both remember what the other likes & dislikes, so this doesn't usually happen.

 

[mm_ja]

Ok, I did say “I knew she wasn’t a big fan of flowers”, however she is also not completely averse to them either. She like flowers, she likes to be given flowers from time to time. I guess a better way to say it (of course communicating doesn’t seem to be my strong point but) is to her getting flowers in a nice gesture but she could have done without them. My deal was that the flowers were sort of an extra add on to the two gifts I had planned on giving her later in the day. If I was only going to purchase one present and nothing else I would have avoided flowers altogether. Should I have gotten yellow tulips instead of red roses, yes. Should I have avoided flowers alltogether, maybe. I guess since I was thinking that the flowers were a secondary present the exact type wasn’t important. Maybe in hindsight I should have kept the flowers until after work and left the gift certificate and DVD out on the kitchen table. As I type it I know I will probably get slammed for this but so be it. I am realizing that in part to me the flowers were not near as important a part of the gift giving process as the other two presents were. In my mind those were what I was looking forward to giving to her and what I knew she would enjoy. The flowers were just an oh by the way here are some flowers. Again I guess I should not have let those be the first thing she saw. Or maybe I should have left a note saying Here is something to start your day with, I look forward to giving you your other gifts later. In this case it seems the presentation was a big part of it. Anyway, I still do appreciate everyones input and insight. As painful as the past two days have been I have learned and enjoyed what you all have to say.

 

[mickeyboat]

As understanding as I am trying to be of your wife's feelings, especially in light of what I think is an ongoing problem between you and your wife, the fact that she got you underwear makes me feel less sorry for her. Oh and let's not forget Boggle - to you because she wanted to kids to have it, but couldn't make it just to one child and not the other, so she made it to her DH.

Sorry - what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If his gift tells her he doesn't know her or care what she likes, then what does the underwear say?

 

[Soulsearching]

I think we are all missing the big picture.

This is not about the gifts, there is more to what is going on. Whether it be a communication problem, or depression etc.

I think you need need to look deeper.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think we are all missing the big picture.

This is not about the gifts, there is more to what is going on. Whether it be a communication problem, or depression etc.

I think you need need to look deeper.

Actually, I think most of us agree there is something more going on here. Her completely irrational reaction to his gift proves that in my book.

 

[Soulsearching]

I should add that I think the holiday may have just brought it all to a head.