I Understand Why Animals/Birds Kick Out Their Young

[focusondisney]

No, I don't have a hard time blaming him for his irresponsibility but it's just hard to actually put our boots to his butt and kick him out.

I'm really appreciating everyone's advice though, giving me more things to think about. And sometimes coming here, just venting, helps too.

Well, good luck. I hope it works out for all of you. I'm sure you have put in your time as a responsible parent & now you're entitled to kick back & enjoy YOUR life. Hugs to you.

 

[wdwfan16]

No, I never expected everyone to agree with me, as you said this is the DIS so I certainly do understand that, but I wouldn't expect to be given advice from someone who doesn't even have kids either. You are saying I should just "get over myself" but you have absolutely no idea what YOU would do if it was YOUR son. You can SAY what you would do, but until you are IN THOSE SAME SHOES you do not know. Seriously.

I do not have a 34 year old. I am too young but I am closer to 34 than I am to being old enough to have a 34 year old. At 34 I was married, we could support ourselves, we owned our own home, we owned our own cars and we never borrowed money from my parents. You son needs to get his priorities straight.

I seems his #1 piority is getting "it". His #1 piority must be his 3 kids. He does not have time for a GF right now. He needs to work and spend time with his three kids. In two years his oldest will start college and how is going to help her?

He needs to get his own car, place and pay off the money he owes you. If all he can afford is a room in a person's home then that is where her should be. Look on Craigslist for boarders wanted. It is a cheap way to rent and he can learn the importance of following rules. The person who rents the rooms will have many rules and most likely a GF spending the night will be out.

You said you DH co-sign the loan for his school since he had such bad credit. What did he do to get that bad credit?

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

All things considered, at least he's not doing drugs. (right?) Something to be thankful for.

 

[TimeforMe]

She knew she was too drunk to drive and called her boyfriend for help.

Really? Sounds like a booty call to me. Grandma is right. Why didn't she just crash at the friend's house?

 

[MIGrandma]

All things considered, at least he's not doing drugs. (right?) Something to be thankful for.

Yes, I am extremely grateful for that! He has never been in trouble with the law, no drinking and driving, drugs, anything of that nature so I know we're fortunate in that respect.

And he has always had a good work ethic, ever since he was 14 years old he has held down a job. Has always had his own vehicle/apartment or house since he was 18. He has just made some really poor choices in the past year, so we do want to help him get back on his feet but we don't want to be taken advantage of either, not even by our own kid.

In hindsight we should have spelled out the rules before he even came back home. Then if he didn't like the rules he could have made other living arrangements. But I suppose even now, when we tell him the rules, he can still make other arrangements if he doesn't want to live by them.

 

[Jennasis]

Really? Sounds like a booty call to me. Grandma is right. Why didn't she just crash at the friend's house?

Could be. I was going with the info as presented at face value. Either way...glad SHE didn't attempt to drive anywhere. Among the reasons she didn't crash at friends (possibly):

1. Everyone else was wasted and she felt uncomfortable staying. Perhaps there were people there or things going on there she felt uncomfortable being under the influence around.

2. She was working the next day and needed stuff that was at home for work (uniform, makeup whatever).

3. She was drunk, and not thinking clearly and seemed to think going to her own home would be best.

4. Her kids were coming over first thing in the morning and she needed to be there.

5. She felt drunk sick and didn't want to be at the party anymore or puking around the friends.

These are all just some out there theories and are in NO way intended to reflect what actually happened. Just as likely a possibility as your booty call theory.

 

[Mkrop]

You also dont know if the GF offered to stay put but he insisted he come get her and take her home (hoping for the booty call) and now he is placing the blame on her.

 

[TimeforMe]

Could be. I was going with the info as presented at face value. Either way...glad SHE didn't attempt to drive anywhere. Among the reasons she didn't crash at friends (possibly):

1. Everyone else was wasted and she felt uncomfortable staying. Perhaps there were people there or things going on there she felt uncomfortable being under the influence around.

2. She was working the next day and needed stuff that was at home for work (uniform, makeup whatever).

3. She was drunk, and not thinking clearly and seemed to think going to her own home would be best.

4. Her kids were coming over first thing in the morning and she needed to be there.

5. She felt drunk sick and didn't want to be at the party anymore or puking around the friends.

These are all just some out there theories and are in NO way intended to reflect what actually happened. Just as likely a possibility as your booty call theory.

Wow--OK. You've obviously given this much more thought than I so you must be right.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

She knew she was too drunk to drive and called her boyfriend for help. Sounds VERY responsible to me. It sounds like you have a problem with this girl and I can't for the life of me figure out why. She's not ready to date your DS? Really? I don't get how you know that. At 22, people DO still go out and party. That's not all they do. You also said she is a nurse. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Really? Cause I think responsible would not to get yourself so skunked up drunk that you can't get yourself home and have to drag your bf who works 16 hrs per day out of bed at 2am to drive you home!

Grandma, it sounds like this is really a trust issue. I think the girlfriend and amount of sleep is really a red herring. I think the real issue here is you don't feel you can trust your son to keep his nose to the grind stone and do a good job at work so that he can rebuild his life, be responsible and get himself a decent car and a place to live as quickly as possible. You don't trust him enough to leave your house unattended for the weekend.

Frankly I don't blame you. It was irresponsible of him to leave YOUR car at someone else's house so that he could get is idiot girlfriend home. It was irresponsible of him to get in an accident and not make arrangements with you to pay the deductable and any raise of insurance costs. It is irresponsible of him to sign on for trucking school and then let things get to a point where your husband had to pay off the loans to protect his credit score.

You seem like a very nice mom, who doesn't like to rock the boat, but I think this boat needs to be rocked. Its nice to help him out when you can, but he's proven himself to be untrustworthy. I think its time to let him know he has a month to get a place of his own. To let him know you exepct the car to be at YOUR house if he isn't at work so that you can use it yourself if you want. To let him know you need a repayment plan for the money you lent him.

It sounds like he's depressed, really, and kind of reverting to teen/early 20s behavior instead of acting like the grown man he is. The soone he is self supporting, the sooner he find his sense of self-worth again and get his life on track.

 

[FayeW]

Well, I don't have any advice about your situation, but I'm LOLing about your thoughts on sleep.

My DH worked 12 hour days for years on 5 hours of sleep. He just refused to go to bed earlier than 11, even if he was getting up at 4am.

And how many moms function at home & work with only thay much sleep. I am having a hard time believing you are so upset about his lack of "sleep". I think you are really sick of HIS irresponsibility, but are having a hard time blaming him. Easier to blame the girlfriend.

Other than leaving his mother's car at somebody else's house, I'm having a hard time figuring out what his "irresponsibility" is.

He had a great job for 10 yrs, but hated it. Took a better job with more pay and better benefits. The economy tanked and he lost his job, just like thousands of other people. He started over, taking a course to get another job in a different field. Just like thousands of other people. New career didn't pan out, was costing him money, so he got another job. Mom and Dad agree to let him live at home so he can get on his feet. He's been there 3 weeks, and woke his mother up once (because he didn't know she was asleep on the couch instead of in bed) and left her car at a friend's house. That's it.

OP's husband made a decision to dip into their retirement savings to pay out a loan he co-signed on. That was short sighted in my opinion...he could have just taken over making the payments for a few months until son got back on his feet. That would have protected his credit. Instead he made a choice to make a lump sum payment out of savings. That doesn't sound like son was "bleeding them dry". Dad made that choice himself.

Son is working 60 hours a week. Has a track record of being responsible with his work, and maintaining his own home and vehicle prior to this last year which was horrific for a lot of people financially. He's doing his best.

 

[hereyago]

How long has he been "home"? Also has he always lived with someone? He apparently can't move in with party girl-sorry but no one can make you drink, let alone get ripped up drunk. As she has a roommate. Doe OP do everything for him in the way of cooking, laundry for him?

There is no way my kid at that age would not be contributing something whether it be monetary or helping around the house, not going out at all hours of the night. at 34, time for big boy pants.

 

[disykat]

Yes, safety trumps sleep. She is still an irresponsible person getting drunk as a skunk with two toddlers/young kids at home. She should not be out partying and requiring rides home and her first call should have been to her mom or dad, but chances are this is a regular occurance with her and they have had it. If she is working full time wouldn't she want to spend the rest of her time with her young kids? Apparently not. She obviously has poor judgement, he would be best off running in the other direction.

I agree. I find it hard to understand why people are acting like there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with this girl because she didn't drive drunk. No one here is saying she should be on the road in that condition. However, when you add it up, a 22 yr old with several kids she appears to spend little time with calling a 34 yr old man who is living at his parent's house at 2 in the morning so he can borrow their car to pick her up because she's drunk... I'm failing to see how people think there's absolutely no reason to think she's anything but wonderful. Would anyone look at those stats and, based on that, think "Wow, she's a keeper. We think she tries not to drive when she's drunk!"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Really? Cause I think responsible would not to get yourself so skunked up drunk that you can't get yourself home and have to drag your bf who works 16 hrs per day out of bed at 2am to drive you home!

Grandma, it sounds like this is really a trust issue. I think the girlfriend and amount of sleep is really a red herring. I think the real issue here is you don't feel you can trust your son to keep his nose to the grind stone and do a good job at work so that he can rebuild his life, be responsible and get himself a decent car and a place to live as quickly as possible. You don't trust him enough to leave your house unattended for the weekend.

Frankly I don't blame you. It was irresponsible of him to leave YOUR car at someone else's house so that he could get is idiot girlfriend home. It was irresponsible of him to get in an accident and not make arrangements with you to pay the deductable and any raise of insurance costs. It is irresponsible of him to sign on for trucking school and then let things get to a point where your husband had to pay off the loans to protect his credit score.

You seem like a very nice mom, who doesn't like to rock the boat, but I think this boat needs to be rocked. Its nice to help him out when you can, but he's proven himself to be untrustworthy. I think its time to let him know he has a month to get a place of his own. To let him know you exepct the car to be at YOUR house if he isn't at work so that you can use it yourself if you want. To let him know you need a repayment plan for the money you lent him.

It sounds like he's depressed, really, and kind of reverting to teen/early 20s behavior instead of acting like the grown man he is. The soone he is self supporting, the sooner he find his sense of self-worth again and get his life on track.

Agree 100%.

 

[Ponygirl]

MIGrandma, I feel for you. It seems, to me anyway, that you are no longer content or at peace in your own home and a peaceful home life is essential. If your son was living on his own, none of this would be a big issue. The loan repayment would be a priority but the rest wouldn't matter.

I hope you, your husband and son are able to sit down and come to some agreeable arrangement. It will get better but you may have to help matters along by putting your foot down.

 

[minkydog]

I totally get it. We went through this last summer with my 23yo. Except he wasn't even working. And just today we had to ask our 23yo foster son to find someplace else after he has violated the rules for the last time. It feels really bad, too. I hate confrontation and while it was very civilized, its still painful. It took about 6 months for DS to come around and make up with his dad, and it took until this past weekend for DS to make up with me! 10 months!

All I can tell you is you have to bite the bullet. You have allowed him long enough to get with it. He has become comfortable with his little teenage life and that's not good for any of you. Ya'll are way beyond the nesting stage. He's a grown man and he'll find his way. He is *not* without resources. He may not like his options too much, but you are not in any way obligated to keep dragging him along. That would be appropriate if her were 5, or even if he was 15. But he's an adult now. He may be making poor decisions, but they're his decisions to make. You really don't have much say in that. But you do have a say in what goes on in your house and how you want your life to be. And you sure don't need to be bailing him out to save his credit score--there's a huge life lesson there that you're not allowing him to learn! It sounds like it's time for him to hit the road now.

Best of luck to you. This will be painful for all of you. But hopefully he will eventually see that you are doing him a favor. He's 34 now. You do *not* want a 44yo living in your house,still using your car, still eating your food,still depending on your for handouts while you feel like you can't get on with your own child-free life.

 

[Elmo9607]

Coming from someone who knows people who are in this situation...often people around my age (21) will go for someone older in order to make themselves feel "older" or "more established". They are sometimes gold diggers, or are looking for someone to help pay for their kids (if they have any). She could just be looking for someone who is an easy booty call from someone who is "experienced". More often than not, they do NOT want something serious.

As for the not enough sleep issue...I often have to be at work between 7-9 am. I am a natural night owl, so I often don't go to sleep until 2 a.m. I still manage to make it to work on time and perform well at my job. Just because someone's sleep schedule is different than yours doesn't mean it needs to be changed.

Of course, we won't know for sure what the exact situation is, and the only thing we can do is speculate. But it does seem like you are more angry at the girlfriend than with him. Obviously, if it wasn't for her, the late nights would come to a stop, or at least would be limited.

Hopefully this situation won't make him forget about what he can obviously accomplish. He needs to find his feet again, and pushing him out (and possibly dumping said gf) is the only way he will accomplish that. Good luck to him!

 

[jodifla]

Frankly, I don't see much "drama" other than on your part.

Your son is working hard, trying to get back on his feet. He's lonely, and found a girlfriend. He's in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. So, yeah, he wants to be with her late at night. Is that such a surprise for a 34-year-old man?

Deer -car collisions are a fact of life in Michigan. He hardly did it on purpose..and you said yourself that he didn't have the cash right now for a deductible.

And it would never occur to me to worry that someone was going to throw up in my car because they had a bit too much to drink to be on the road. Talks about creating your own drama!

If I were your son, I'd sure be trying to get out of your house, where he's obviously not really wanted.

And "sucking you dry?" Really??????????????

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I think its the fact that he is making the girlfriend the priority over treating his family with resepect and putting all effort into getting out on his own. He has children depending on him, its not just that his parents want him out.

The most important thing, I think, is that the OP and her husband don't feel comfortable in their own home because of thier son's habits. No one should have to have a situation that makes them uncomfortable in thier own home.

I would feel like this a lof of drama, if it were my son. Paying for loans he renegs on, car accident, creeping out at 2 am, leaving the car at someone else's house, wondering why the son isn't spending his free time with the kids instead of the plaything, collection calls for the loans, all these job changes. It is a lot.

Its perfectly acceptable for a parent to draw a line in the sand with the adult child and say we will help you so far but no farther.

 

[disykat]

If I were your son, I'd sure be trying to get out of your house, where he's obviously not really wanted.

This cracked me up. What parent in their right mind REALLY WANTS their 34 yr old living at home? I would certainly hope a 34 yr old would have the brains to realize that's not an ideal situation and should be temporary. I'll give the OP's son the benefit of the doubt on that one, he should be trying to get out of the house and hopefully he is!

 

[krcit]

Frankly, I don't see much "drama" other than on your part.

Your son is working hard, trying to get back on his feet. He's lonely, and found a girlfriend. He's in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. So, yeah, he wants to be with her late at night. Is that such a surprise for a 34-year-old man?

Deer -car collisions are a fact of life in Michigan. He hardly did it on purpose..and you said yourself that he didn't have the cash right now for a deductible.

And it would never occur to me to worry that someone was going to throw up in my car because they had a bit too much to drink to be on the road. Talks about creating your own drama!

If I were your son, I'd sure be trying to get out of your house, where he's obviously not really wanted.

And "sucking you dry?" Really??????????????

I agree with you. When I read the first post I didn't really see the problem but when I went on to read that he's only been there for 3 weeks He seems like a responsible guy who is trying to get back on his feet.