I Understand Why Animals/Birds Kick Out Their Young

[MIGrandma]

Well then I guess I am your voice of dissent. There are plenty of reasons why should might not have wanted to (or been able to) stay at her friends house overnight. She did the responsible thing which is to call someone for help. Sorry her responsibility interrupted your sleep. And it's not like she called YOU. She called her boyfriend, who woke you up. My younger sister knew that she could call my parents anytime day or night to come and get her from a club or a party when she was 22. My parents HAPPILY went to pick her up often. No questions asked. I find the notion that ANYONE would be upset at this to be pretty infuriating.

She inconvenienced you. Better that than dead on a roadside, or having killed someone by driving. She called someone she trusted.

I think you need to get over yourself, in regards to the girlfriend that night. Honestly. Not saying she is parent of the year, or even a good mom, or heck even a bad mom, but the drunk at 2am story isn't enough to hang her IMO nor enough to prove her worthlessness. I am, sure there are other things she could be nailed for.

It wasn't MY sleep that I was most concerned about although, yes it was annoying. But it was my son's sleep being interrupted that bothered me. She KNOWS he just barely started a new job, and having his sleep interrupted at 2:00 a.m. when he has to be at work at 7:00 was wrong. He needs to make his job his number one priority right now (ESPECIALLY since he has no car or place of his own!!), not her and what she needs/wants. If he loses this job because he falls asleep on the job or makes a serious mistake (he drives HUGE farm machinery) because he's had to help her out it definitely wouldn't be a good thing for him. He NEEDS this job. Jobs are VERY hard to come by in Michigan right now, in case you didn't know.

You said your parents HAPPILY picked up your 22-year-old sister, that's just fine and I would do the same for MY child as well. But the girlfriend then should have called HER OWN PARENTS (who just happen to live across the road from us!) to come and get her and take her home if she was so irresponsible to get so blitzed that she couldn't drive herself home.

And maybe the fact that I just don't understand ANYONE who gets so blitzed from drinking that they are too drunk to drive themselves home plays into how I feel about her irresponsibility too. I don't bedruge anyone a drink or two, but it just doesn't make sense to me to get drunk out of your mind. And if a person IS going to get drunk out of their mind like that, if they are at a friend's house (which the girlfriend was) then plan to just STAY there and sleep it off, or better yet do it in your OWN house so you don't wake ANYONE up at 2:00 in the morning!!

 

[MIGrandma]

Oh my. Is she an RN or a nurses aide? I have trouble seeing how a 22 year old could finish nursing school while caring for two babies and partying. I would not be happy if my son or even my brother was involved with her. Best of luck with everything. I don't see her being a doting stepmom to his already 3 kids.

I really don't know, I didn't ask him. But you're right, she's probably too young to be an RN. Maybe an LPN? I'm not sure.

 

[Jennasis]

It wasn't MY sleep that I was most concerned about although, yes it was annoying. But it was my son's sleep being interrupted that bothered me. She KNOWS he just barely started a new job, and having his sleep interrupted at 2:00 a.m. when he has to be at work at 7:00 was wrong. He needs to make his job his number one priority right now (ESPECIALLY since he has no car or place of his own!!), not her and what she needs/wants. If he loses this job because he falls asleep on the job or makes a serious mistake (he drives HUGE farm machinery) because he's had to help her out it definitely wouldn't be a good thing for him. He NEEDS this job. Jobs are VERY hard to come by in Michigan right now, in case you didn't know.

You said your parents HAPPILY picked up your 22-year-old sister, that's just fine and I would do the same for MY child as well. But the girlfriend then should have called HER OWN PARENTS (who just happen to live across the road from us!) to come and get her and take her home if she was so irresponsible to get so blitzed that she couldn't drive herself home.

And maybe the fact that I just don't understand ANYONE who gets so blitzed from drinking that they are too drunk to drive themselves home plays into how I feel about her irresponsibility too. I don't bedruge anyone a drink or two, but it just doesn't make sense to me to get drunk out of your mind. And if a person IS going to get drunk out of their mind like that, if they are at a friend's house (which the girlfriend was) then plan to just STAY there and sleep it off, or better yet do it in your OWN house so you don't wake ANYONE up at 2:00 in the morning!!

Sorry. I don't agree with you. At all.

My parents also picked up my sister's friends when they had nobody to call or were afraid to call their own parents.

Your sons need for sleep (BTW, he's an adult. He can figure out how much sleep he needs), does not trump helping a girl get home without killing herself or others. i also don't buy that one night of interrrupted sleep will cause him to lose his job, fall asleep on the job, or make some egregious mistake around heavy equipment. While we are at it, your son could have just told her NO...stay at your girlfriend's house. So perhaps you should redirect your anger back at him instead of the girl who tried to do something responsible....inconvenient, but responsible.

Obviously you don't agree and that's fine. We will have to agree to disagree on this one. Sheesh, I don't even have kids and if one of my students or heck even a client called me at 2am to help them out, I'd do it. Safety trumps sleep...every time.

You didn't really think you'd get an entire thread without one person disagreeing with you, did you? Come on...it's the DIS!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Yes, safety trumps sleep. She is still an irresponsible person getting drunk as a skunk with two toddlers/young kids at home. She should not be out partying and requiring rides home and her first call should have been to her mom or dad, but chances are this is a regular occurance with her and they have had it. If she is working full time wouldn't she want to spend the rest of her time with her young kids? Apparently not. She obviously has poor judgement, he would be best off running in the other direction.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really don't know, I didn't ask him. But you're right, she's probably too young to be an RN. Maybe an LPN? I'm not sure.

No she isn't. You are graduated and working by 22. Heck the Community Colleges have 2yr Associate Degrees.

 

[Robinrs]

Booty call, drunken off her *** on a weeknight, whatever -- none of this is the kind of responsible adult behavior that two people 22 and 34 with 5 kids between them should be engaging in!

The fact that OP is providing him with free rent, food, utilities, transportation, paid off the driving school loan, etc -- that is what is enabling him to live like this. And lil girlfriend there might be a nurse, but she doesn't sound like much of a mother and good choice for a future wife, from what has been posted.

I had my first son young too, and you can bet your bottom dollar that that meant any partying, drinking, etc was a thing of the past. That's what becoming a parent and an adult is supposed to mean. Parents that allow that kind of behavior to continue are not doing these young parents any favors.

OP, I would lay the law down with him now. The gravy train is running you and your husband straight off the track.

He needs to buckle down and get back to being a responsible adult -- he has 3 kids to pay child support on and be an example to. That should be his number 1 priority, not booty calls with some girl that already has 2 kids and is only 6 years older than his oldest child!

Well then I guess I am your voice of dissent. There are plenty of reasons why should might not have wanted to (or been able to) stay at her friends house overnight. She did the responsible thing which is to call someone for help. Sorry her responsibility interrupted your sleep. And it's not like she called YOU. She called her boyfriend, who woke you up. My younger sister knew that she could call my parents anytime day or night to come and get her from a club or a party when she was 22. My parents HAPPILY went to pick her up often. No questions asked. I find the notion that ANYONE would be upset at this to be pretty infuriating.

She inconvenienced you. Better that than dead on a roadside, or having killed someone by driving. She called someone she trusted.

I think you need to get over yourself, in regards to the girlfriend that night. Honestly. Not saying she is parent of the year, or even a good mom, or heck even a bad mom, but the drunk at 2am story isn't enough to hang her IMO nor enough to prove her worthlessness. I am, sure there are other things she could be nailed for.

The RESPONSIBLE thing for a young mother to do is NOT get drunk till she cannot drive. The person that owns the residence needs to GET OVER HERSELF? No, this would NOT happen in my house. Let loverboy and his drunk girlfriend conduct their lives elsewhere. No one who is in charge need to "get over themselves". The ones who interfere with their quiet living needs to get OUT.

 

[Mkrop]

It wasn't MY sleep that I was most concerned about although, yes it was annoying. But it was my son's sleep being interrupted that bothered me. She KNOWS he just barely started a new job, and having his sleep interrupted at 2:00 a.m. when he has to be at work at 7:00 was wrong. He needs to make his job his number one priority right now (ESPECIALLY since he has no car or place of his own!!), not her and what she needs/wants. If he loses this job because he falls asleep on the job or makes a serious mistake (he drives HUGE farm machinery) because he's had to help her out it definitely wouldn't be a good thing for him. He NEEDS this job. Jobs are VERY hard to come by in Michigan right now, in case you didn't know.

You said your parents HAPPILY picked up your 22-year-old sister, that's just fine and I would do the same for MY child as well. But the girlfriend then should have called HER OWN PARENTS (who just happen to live across the road from us!) to come and get her and take her home if she was so irresponsible to get so blitzed that she couldn't drive herself home.

And maybe the fact that I just don't understand ANYONE who gets so blitzed from drinking that they are too drunk to drive themselves home plays into how I feel about her irresponsibility too. I don't bedruge anyone a drink or two, but it just doesn't make sense to me to get drunk out of your mind. And if a person IS going to get drunk out of their mind like that, if they are at a friend's house (which the girlfriend was) then plan to just STAY there and sleep it off, or better yet do it in your OWN house so you don't wake ANYONE up at 2:00 in the morning!!

He is a grown man. He should either say No to the GF or deal with the lack of sleep. I think the issue is you are seeing all of this, if he did have his on place and you were not there to monitor his comings and goings, this would not be irratating you so.

Also how is he not putting his job first if he is working 60 hours a week?

 

[chloelovesdisney]

No she isn't. You are graduated and working by 22. Heck the Community Colleges have 2yr Associate Degrees.

That's true but she's had two babies during that time. That requires taking time off and most women with babies don't go to school full time.

 

[hippiemama76]

Safety trumps sleep...every time.

Totally agree with you on this point!

And I'm going to be the devil's advocate for this girlfriend. She's young, but despite the handicap of having children while still a child herself, she's managed to get some post-secondary education/training (even if she's only a CNA, that still takes a 2 year program, right?) and has a career, not just a job.

And yes, she did have too much to drink, but is it possible that she was just hanging out with a friend and had one more glass of wine than necessary? Just because she's 22 doesn't mean she's going full out Jersey Shore.

It's obvious you don't like her, which is fine - you are entitled to your opinion. Unless there's some significant back story, it feels like you're kind of misdirecting your annoyance with your son onto this . . . kid he's dating.

 

[MIGrandma]

Sheesh, I don't even have kids

You didn't really think you'd get an entire thread without one person disagreeing with you, did you? Come on...it's the DIS!

No, I never expected everyone to agree with me, as you said this is the DIS so I certainly do understand that, but I wouldn't expect to be given advice from someone who doesn't even have kids either. You are saying I should just "get over myself" but you have absolutely no idea what YOU would do if it was YOUR son. You can SAY what you would do, but until you are IN THOSE SAME SHOES you do not know. Seriously.

 

[lovemygoofy]

No, I never expected everyone to agree with me, as you said this is the DIS so I certainly do understand that, but I wouldn't expect to be given advice from someone who doesn't even have kids either. You are saying I should just "get over myself" but you have absolutely no idea what YOU would do if it was YOUR son. You can SAY what you would do, but until you are IN THOSE SAME SHOES you do not know. Seriously.

Well I don't have children but I do know what I would do. I have a mother was babied all her life both her and her twin brother. They would get in trouble or do something stupid and my grandparents would bail them out.

They never knew how to live on their own and make real decisions or cope with life. Now at 53 they are just now figuring it out and learning the hard way because both their parents are dead.

At some point your son has to figure his life out and get it straight with your help or when you no longer able to help. It won't be pretty no matter what but at some point you will not be able to help your son and if he hasn't learned by then to help himself he will be in a world of hurt.

 

[MIGrandma]

He is a grown man. He should either say No to the GF or deal with the lack of sleep. I think the issue is you are seeing all of this, if he did have his on place and you were not there to monitor his comings and goings, this would not be irratating you so.

Also how is he not putting his job first if he is working 60 hours a week?

I think you hit the nail on the head. If he were not living here with us we would not have known she called him to come and take her home because she was too drunk to drive.

I feel he is not putting his job first because he stays out late a lot of times, even though he has to be to work by 7:00 a.m. He is either out with the girlfriend until late (midnight, 1:00 a.m., etc.) or at other friend's houses playing cards, etc. If he had his own place we would not know this. But since he is living here with us, we see it and I just feel he's not getting the proper sleep in order to do a GOOD JOB at his job, so I worry about him losing it and then, heaven forbid, he will be living with us F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!

In his defense I do have to say that I never have to wake him in the morning to get to work. I wouldn't do that even if he asked me, but he never has. He sets his alarm clock and gets up and out the door in plenty of time to get to work, so for THAT I am grateful, and he says he is getting enough sleep but when you're working 10-14 hour days and only getting 4-5 hours of sleep most nights, I don't think that is enough.

 

[Skywalker]

I'm agreeing with Jennasis on this one. Calling when she was drunk was the responsible thing to do. And just because she felt she was too drunk to drive does not mean she was "blitzed out of her mind". She could have just felt she had one too many and was being extra-cautious.

Also, you are way too involved in his life. Worrying that his sleep was interuppted and he might be tired? He is 34, not 2.

Maybe try to treat him as more of an adult boarder instead of going into full-on mom mode would help.

 

[hippiemama76]

Maybe try to treat him as more of an adult boarder instead of going into full-on mom mode would help.

Easier said than done. One you're in that parent/child role with someone, it's really hard to change the paradigm.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm agreeing with Jennasis on this one. Calling when she was drunk was the responsible thing to do. And just because she felt she was too drunk to drive does not mean she was "blitzed out of her mind". She could have just felt she had one too many and was being extra-cautious.

Also, you are way too involved in his life. Worrying that his sleep was interuppted and he might be tired? He is 34, not 2.

Maybe try to treat him as more of an adult boarder instead of going into full-on mom mode would help.

If he weren't living back in my house and driving my car, I wouldn't be so involved in his life and worrying about his sleep.

Yes, he's 34...he needs to get his own car and his own place.

And he's not a "boarder." Boarders pay rent, buy their own food, and don't use the landlord's car.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Totally agree with you on this point!

And I'm going to be the devil's advocate for this girlfriend. She's young, but despite the handicap of having children while still a child herself, she's managed to get some post-secondary education/training (even if she's only a CNA, that still takes a 2 year program, right?) and has a career, not just a job.

And yes, she did have too much to drink, but is it possible that she was just hanging out with a friend and had one more glass of wine than necessary? Just because she's 22 doesn't mean she's going full out Jersey Shore.

It's obvious you don't like her, which is fine - you are entitled to your opinion. Unless there's some significant back story, it feels like you're kind of misdirecting your annoyance with your son onto this . . . kid he's dating.

A CNA program is about 4 - 6 weeks long. It is not usually considered a career. They are usually hard working (well the good ones work very hard and others not at all but that's with any job).

 

[Jennasis]

No, I never expected everyone to agree with me, as you said this is the DIS so I certainly do understand that, but I wouldn't expect to be given advice from someone who doesn't even have kids either. You are saying I should just "get over myself" but you have absolutely no idea what YOU would do if it was YOUR son. You can SAY what you would do, but until you are IN THOSE SAME SHOES you do not know. Seriously.

It's the DIS...expect to get advice from everyone.

If I had kids, I would pray to God daily that I would do for them, in this situation, like my parents did for me and my sisters. Of course, there's no telling what I would actually do.

I maintain your anger at the gf is unwarranted and misdirected. Carry on!

 

[focusondisney]

I think you hit the nail on the head. If he were not living here with us we would not have known she called him to come and take her home because she was too drunk to drive.

I feel he is not putting his job first because he stays out late a lot of times, even though he has to be to work by 7:00 a.m. He is either out with the girlfriend until late (midnight, 1:00 a.m., etc.) or at other friend's houses playing cards, etc. If he had his own place we would not know this. But since he is living here with us, we see it and I just feel he's not getting the proper sleep in order to do a GOOD JOB at his job, so I worry about him losing it and then, heaven forbid, he will be living with us F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!

In his defense I do have to say that I never have to wake him in the morning to get to work. I wouldn't do that even if he asked me, but he never has. He sets his alarm clock and gets up and out the door in plenty of time to get to work, so for THAT I am grateful, and he says he is getting enough sleep but when you're working 10-14 hour days and only getting 4-5 hours of sleep most nights, I don't think that is enough.

Well, I don't have any advice about your situation, but I'm LOLing about your thoughts on sleep.

My DH worked 12 hour days for years on 5 hours of sleep. He just refused to go to bed earlier than 11, even if he was getting up at 4am.

And how many moms function at home & work with only thay much sleep. I am having a hard time believing you are so upset about his lack of "sleep". I think you are really sick of HIS irresponsibility, but are having a hard time blaming him. Easier to blame the girlfriend.

 

[klacey1]

I'm going to have to agree with Jennasis. No offense, OP, but I think your anger is a bit misdirected. It sounds like your dislike for the girlfriend is making you more upset about your son that you'd normally be. Working a 60+ hour week is SO admirable-- it really sounds like he's trying to get back on his feet. I know you say that 4-5 hours of sleep isn't enough, but maybe for him, it is-- he manages to get up and go to work. He's doing what he can to make his life work for him. I think you should let him live in your house a bit longer-- you even said yourself, it's been less than a month. Not long enough to build a nest egg.
As far as the girlfriend getting drunk-- again, I am VERY glad she called your son. Who knows, maybe she was afraid of a lecture from her parents and thought her boyfriend was the safest one to call. Again, I'm not condoning a mother getting drunk out of her mind, but again, you don't know that she was having a crazy party. Like PP said, maybe she just had one glass too many and responsibly decided she was unable to drive. Like Jennasis said, I don't know if she's a great/bad/good/awful mother. And, if I were in her position at 22, I wouldn't be drinking excessively. However, she did not do a terrible thing.
OP, you are a GREAT mom for helping your son and grandkids. It seems like the reason you're upset is that you care very very much about your son and only want what you see is the best for him.

 

[MIGrandma]

Well, I don't have any advice about your situation, but I'm LOLing about your thoughts on sleep.

My DH worked 12 hour days for years on 5 hours of sleep. He just refused to go to bed earlier than 11, even if he was getting up at 4am.

And how many moms function at home & work with only thay much sleep. I am having a hard time believing you are so upset about his lack of "sleep". I think you are really sick of HIS irresponsibility, but are having a hard time blaming him. Easier to blame the girlfriend.

No, I don't have a hard time blaming him for his irresponsibility but it's just hard to actually put our boots to his butt and kick him out.

I'm really appreciating everyone's advice though, giving me more things to think about. And sometimes coming here, just venting, helps too.