I Understand Why Animals/Birds Kick Out Their Young

[Planogirl]

OP, regardless of what anyone here says, no one here really knows the situation. I see a lot of conjecture and little fact. Really only you know the truth and that from your perspective.

Whatever happens, I wish you well.

 

[Jennasis]

Really? Cause I think responsible would not to get yourself so skunked up drunk that you can't get yourself home and have to drag your bf who works 16 hrs per day out of bed at 2am to drive you home!
.

Noooo...that would be MORE responsible. It was irresponsible of her to have too much to drink, but at least responsible of her to realize it and call for help. Also I have not seen where MIgrnadma said this girl was "skunked" or "blitzed" or anything else. Only that she called to say she was too drunk to drive home.

Frankly, I don't see much "drama" other than on your part.

Your son is working hard, trying to get back on his feet. He's lonely, and found a girlfriend. He's in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. So, yeah, he wants to be with her late at night. Is that such a surprise for a 34-year-old man?

Deer -car collisions are a fact of life in Michigan. He hardly did it on purpose..and you said yourself that he didn't have the cash right now for a deductible.

And it would never occur to me to worry that someone was going to throw up in my car because they had a bit too much to drink to be on the road. Talks about creating your own drama!

If I were your son, I'd sure be trying to get out of your house, where he's obviously not really wanted.

And "sucking you dry?" Really??????????????

OP, regardless of what anyone here says, no one here really knows the situation. I see a lot of conjecture and little fact. Really only you know the truth and that from your perspective.

Whatever happens, I wish you well.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Frankly, I don't see much "drama" other than on your part.

Your son is working hard, trying to get back on his feet. He's lonely, and found a girlfriend. He's in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. So, yeah, he wants to be with her late at night. Is that such a surprise for a 34-year-old man?

Deer -car collisions are a fact of life in Michigan. He hardly did it on purpose..and you said yourself that he didn't have the cash right now for a deductible.

And it would never occur to me to worry that someone was going to throw up in my car because they had a bit too much to drink to be on the road. Talks about creating your own drama!

If I were your son, I'd sure be trying to get out of your house, where he's obviously not really wanted.

And "sucking you dry?" Really??????????????

I read the post this morning and wasn't sure what to make of it. Having your life changed due to someone's temporary circumstance stinks.

But on the same token--I'm not seeing how the OP is a bird needing kicked out.


Perhaps, OP--if you set up some basic rules--yes, my DH just lived with someone for 5 months while in transition and had basic rules to follow -- minimal, but it was "rent, portion of utilities, maximum time frame (he had until Dec 2010 if needed), no crumbs (person was very particular about that), no shoes on the carpet, and turning the lights off when not in use. Very specific things-not that DH wouldn't do them any way, but this person was quite particular and it was all laid out.

Just b/c you are a parent--doesn't mean you can't have those rules and doesn't mean they cannot be followed.

 

[jodifla]

This cracked me up. What parent in their right mind REALLY WANTS their 34 yr old living at home? I would certainly hope a 34 yr old would have the brains to realize that's not an ideal situation and should be temporary. I'll give the OP's son the benefit of the doubt on that one, he should be trying to get out of the house and hopefully he is!

I'm sure there are plenty of parents who wouldn't mind -- or complain -- about putting up their kid for 3 WEEKS while he gets re-established.

My DH lived with my MIL for 6 months while we transitioned to Michigan. She LOVED it, thought it was a blessing and a gift to be able to spend time one-on-one with her son again.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I would like to think that my children will always feel like this home we live in will always be their home, but I suppose some day I will feel like you do. It seems like you feel like your son is not family anymore. You don't want him using your car for anything to do with his children. You don't want him having company over to your house. Sort of like he is a tenant instead of a son.

Would it not be better for you to just give him some money and get him out of your house then? If he is eating your food, using your washer/dryer, driving your car, etc. then he is already costing you money. If you want him and his drama out of your house, then get him out faster by giving him the money. Notice I did not say loaning because you would probably never get it back.

 

[disykat]

I'm sure there are plenty of parents who wouldn't mind -- or complain -- about putting up their kid for 3 WEEKS while he gets re-established.

My DH lived with my MIL for 6 months while we transitioned to Michigan. She LOVED it, thought it was a blessing and a gift to be able to spend time one-on-one with her son again.

Do you think she would have felt the same way if he was going out at 2 in the morning and leaving her car in his girlfriend's driveway?

 

[robinb]

Do you think she would have felt the same way if he was going out at 2 in the morning and leaving her car in his girlfriend's driveway?

Who's to say he didn't ?

 

[jmpurdy]

He doesn't have time to be lonely. He has responsibilities from his past (children) and he needs to put his loneliness on the back burner for now. He could be working another part time job if he's got that much xtra time....
He can choose whomever he wishes for a g'friend, and his choice may have added to OP's fear that he isn't changing his behavior towards maturity. However, OP is right that a contract should have been arranged before he moved in so there are no mis-communications and if DS cannot abide by the contract, he moves out. The 'sucking dry' comment is both financial AND emotional for sure. Every parent hopes that by age 34, their children have figured out how to survive on their own. However, bailing him out is not going to help him in the long run either. If he doesn't make enough to pay rent, then he needs another job or 2 jobs or whatever. If he can live on 5 hours of sleep w/ a girlfriend, then he can live on 5 hours of sleep working another part time job or taking night classes, etc. His behavior is that of a 22 year old. Oh, how he wishes it were so.....Best of luck OP.

 

[jodifla]

Who's to say he didn't ?

Ha! True! But DH did work long, long hours -- and my early riser MIL stayed up waiting for him every night, with a hot cooked dinner! She's an amazing mom.

Seriously, what makes the difference to me for OP is that her son working and trying to get back on his feet, and it's ONLY been 3 weeks.

And by her own admission, OP didn't set down any rules for her house.

 

[robinb]

Seriously, what makes the difference to me for OP is that her son working and trying to get back on his feet, and it's ONLY been 3 weeks.

And by her own admission, OP didn't set down any rules for her house.

I totally agree with you and I'm glad that you knew I was just ribbing you about your DH .

 

[leight]

OP- I hope you and your DH have a good sit down with your son and get ground rules in place. It is your home, and you should feel comfortable in it-and feel comfortable going away without worrying what someone else is doing in your absence. I do agree that most of the issues seem to be in your fear that his priorities are not on track due to the young girlfriend. Hopefully you all find mutual respect while you help him out.

I find myself very angry over my mom helping my brother out. She's always bailed him out. He lived with her 2.5 yrs ago and she cosigned for him to get a new car(2nd in 5 yrs-that's another story). Then he lost his job and she was paying for the car loan & insurance (very high because he had two accidents in the first 3 months-the 2nd of which she paid out of pocket for the repairs so it wouldn't go on the insurance) He brought another guy to live with them-who also had lost his job. Nice guy but after 6 months with no work and they weren't contributing anything (they didn't even collect unemployment!) she asked the other guy to move out-she couldn't afford to support them. These guys are in their mid-late 30's. My brother moved out with his friend in a huff and left my mom paying the car/insurance even tho he took the car. I helped her out by assisting her in getting her small mortgage refinanced with a lower rate and she cashed out enough to pay off the car loan-her choice and put money into savings) She told me she wouldn't ever let him use her again. 3 months later he moved back in and that was 2 yrs ago.

Fast forward to today- she paid off several of his bad debts, helps pay his child support for his 4 yr old son-her savings is gone. Got him a job as a custodian at the school she works in (cafeteria job that she had to take to help support him.) She is very proud of him for being a steady employee- to the point that when he takes additional training classes she hangs his grades on the fridge. She's also told me that she is going to get another job this summer so she can get an insurance policy to pay off her house when she dies so he always has a place to live. So I guess I will not inherit anything.

A year ago my mother helped my family when the house we were buying got held up in court and our rental home wouldn't extend our lease. It was the worst 4 weeks of my life- my brother constantly told me how I was inconveniencing him and took any of the food that I specifically bought for my family (had a separate cupboard). He was mean to my kids and had no problem falling asleep while my kids entertained his 3 yr old. I really can't stand him. Last straw was my mom telling my then 10 yr old that my husband is a bad father.

I really resent them both and know that they have an abnormal relationship. I have distanced myself to the point that I only talk to her monthly and see her a few times a year. I can't stand to be around them. It's always been like this since we were kids- I guess she wants him to always be her little boy -even though he's 40 now.

Sorry to highjack the thread- needed to vent before I have to do the obligatory mother's day visit this weekend.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Noooo...that would be MORE responsible. It was irresponsible of her to have too much to drink, but at least responsible of her to realize it and call for help. Also I have not seen where MIgrnadma said this girl was "skunked" or "blitzed" or anything else. Only that she called to say she was too drunk to drive home.

An irresponsible, stupid act followed by slightly less moronic behavior is irresponsible, period. Calling for a ride does not make her some bastion of responisbility, it just means she has a sense of self-preservation. Maturity and responsibility means taking care of herself, without inconviencing others. Gawd. If my kid ever expected to use my car to go pick up his blitzed up girlfriend- yeah, blitzed up becuase she'd been drinking until 2am and couldn't get her own butt home- with MY car, he'd find out real quick how very, very little I care about her safety and convienance. She can either sleep it off where she is, and I don't give a crap about her reasons why she doesn't want to, or she can learn not to get herself into these situations in the first place. I'm not an enabler.

 

[Jennasis]

An irresponsible, stupid act followed by slightly less moronic behavior is irresponsible, period. Calling for a ride does not make her some bastion of responisbility, it just means she has a sense of self-preservation. Maturity and responsibility means taking care of herself, without inconviencing others. Gawd. If my kid ever expected to use my car to go pick up his blitzed up girlfriend- yeah, blitzed up becuase she'd been drinking until 2am and couldn't get her own butt home- with MY car, he'd find out real quick how very, very little I care about her safety and convienance. She can either sleep it off where she is, and I don't give a crap about her reasons why she doesn't want to, or she can learn not to get herself into these situations in the first place. I'm not an enabler.

Sad.

Wonder how the OP would feel if it were her son calling for help and the adult gf turned him down because her mommy didn't "care about his safety" or didn't want him to possibly puke in her car?

So many high and mighties around today. Stuff like this is exactly how you drive your son away and into the arms of the chick you don't like.

 

[Planogirl]

Sad.

Wonder how the OP would feel if it were her son calling for help and the adult gf turned him down because her mommy didn't "care about his safety" or didn't want him to possibly puke in her car?

So many high and mighties around today. Stuff like this is exactly how you drive your son away and into the arms of the chick you don't like.

ITA. No one is perfect and I'm sure that some people here have overdone it at some point in their lives. Unless this girl makes this a habit, I don't see the problem except that the guy shouldn't be using someone else's car and leaving it.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm sure there are plenty of parents who wouldn't mind -- or complain -- about putting up their kid for 3 WEEKS while he gets re-established.

My DH lived with my MIL for 6 months while we transitioned to Michigan. She LOVED it, thought it was a blessing and a gift to be able to spend time one-on-one with her son again.

The thing is, it's going to be longer than 3 WEEKS because he's still saving up for a vehicle of his own, THEN he will need to save up first/last month's rent, and a security deposit, for a place of his own. And it's not that I mind him being here, no, in some ways I'm enjoying it but not when he's racking up unnecessary miles on MY car, waking us up at 2:00 in the morning (going in or coming home, we hear him either way), etc. etc.

I would like to think that my children will always feel like this home we live in will always be their home, but I suppose some day I will feel like you do. It seems like you feel like your son is not family anymore. You don't want him using your car for anything to do with his children. You don't want him having company over to your house. Sort of like he is a tenant instead of a son.

Would it not be better for you to just give him some money and get him out of your house then? If he is eating your food, using your washer/dryer, driving your car, etc. then he is already costing you money. If you want him and his drama out of your house, then get him out faster by giving him the money. Notice I did not say loaning because you would probably never get it back.

Obviously you either didn't read my posts, or you misunderstood. Never did I say I didn't want him using my car for anything to do with his children. It's quite the opposite. I don't mind him using my car at all for going back and forth to work, and for picking up his children and bringing them out here for the weekend or going to their sporting events, etc. It's the EXTRA driving of my car that bothers me, racking up the miles for unnecessary trips to take the girlfriend home, go out, etc. If I had to borrow someone else's vehicle I certainly wouldn't be using it for frivolous things. If I wanted to go out with friends I would make other arrangements. And as for giving him money, isn't paying off his school loan of $6300 enough? And the deductible for hitting the deer. Giving him MORE money to get back out on his own is just enabling him MORE.

Do you think she would have felt the same way if he was going out at 2 in the morning and leaving her car in his girlfriend's driveway?

Good one!!

 

[luvsJack]

Op, I can't help but wonder if you are not trying to control him just a bit? I mean I can understand being unhappy with his choices, but his choice of girlfriends is not really effecting you is it? I have been unhappy with a few of my son's choices in the past, so I can certainly relate; but then I have to remind myself that if their choices are not directly effecting me then they are really none of my business.

If this had been his best friend that had called for a ride, would you have been upset? Or is it just your dislike for the girl? I have btdt and know that its hard not to be upset when he does something for someone you don't approve of. I have thought my tongue would bleed many, many times from being bitten!

I would just say to him that you need a limit on how long he will be using you car and how long he will need to stay with you. He should be able to give you some kind of time frame at least the first one. And then during that time, just back up and allow him to make his own choices. That's really all you can do anyway.

 

[Mkrop]

Where did the OP say he wasnt there for his kids? I dont recall her saying anything about the GF taking priority over the kids

I means the guy is working 60 hours a week, he isnt entitled to some fun.

I also like that someone posted what would the OP think if this was his buddy vs the GF that called, would that be different?

I think some ground rules need to be set but I dont think the son is off the charts irresponsible at this point.

 

[hentob]

I'm sure there are plenty of parents who wouldn't mind -- or complain -- about putting up their kid for 3 WEEKS while he gets re-established.

In this thread that she posted last year, the OP says that her son stays with her and "let his rental house go".

Seems like more than 3 weeks to me

OP--I think your son needs to grow up a bit. I feel for you

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2328872

 

[hentob]

Where did the OP say he wasnt there for his kids? I dont recall her saying anything about the GF taking priority over the kids

I means the guy is working 60 hours a week, he isnt entitled to some fun.

I guess if you have children and you work 60 hours a week, when do you have time for "fun"?

Why is he ENTITLED to time by himself?

Shouldn't you be spending that time being a father?

I often wonder why some people have children.

 

[Jennasis]

In this thread that she posted last year, the OP says that her son stays with her and "let his rental house go".

Seems like more than 3 weeks to me

OP--I think your son needs to grow up a bit. I feel for you

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2328872

The OP stated very clearly in this thread that he has been with her since the end of April...about 3 weeks.