I understand not liking company but.....

[disykat]

We are not some lunatics for crying out loud. .[/QUOTE]

People are simply trying to point out the SIL is not a lunatic because of the behavior you described. Sure, she needs to lighten up a bit. So do you.

 

[ilovesugar]

We are not some lunatics for crying out loud. .

People are simply trying to point out the SIL is not a lunatic because of the behavior you described. Sure, she needs to lighten up a bit. So do you.[/QUOTE]

The post below this is what I was responding to. The poster made it sound like I let my kids destroy her home.

Obviously this visiting situation did not work out and you were uncomfortable. A good host considers his guests' comfort, but a good guest also does his/her share to make himself as little of a burden as possible. You were staying as guests in a home, not at a hotel where you're paying people to look after you.
I sounds like SIL was uptight, but it doesn't sound like she committed any grievous hostessing sins either. She didn't forbid you from taking a shower in her bathroom, nor forbid you from eating their food, or insist that you babysit her child while she and her DH went off for a date night. She wasn't flipping out over every drip *your* kids dripped on the floor, while letting her own child spill milk all over everyone/everything.

In reality, you should have been keeping your children as quiet as possible. Yes, they're kids, but they should have been on "company behavior." They were the company. You should have packed activities/toys to entertain your kids or confirmed in advance to find out what would be available. You should have cleaned up after your own kids to the standards of the household (or beyond.)
IMHO staying as houseguests is not a stress-free vacation, but when you accepted the offer, you accepted the "rules" of being a good guest as much as she accepted the "rules" of being a good hostess. Obviously, whatever the situation... Your two families are not a good "fit" for staying together though.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I keep mentioning it because people keep saying that we should all get seperate rooms. While that is all fine and good, we have already paid for the grand villa so it seems like people are expecting me to get them a seperate room because they are not going to fit well. I have paid for the room and it was agreed 6 months ago that this was what we were going to do so we booked it. I guess it seems to me like people are suggesting that we get them a different room because they are not going to be happy staying with us. Now if I am not seeing that correctly and people are suggesting that they themselves get a seperate room, I agree with that and it will be mentioned to them.

I don't know how you booked it, if you can downgrade to a 2BR, then you can keep the money you save. They leave, they're on their own.

 

[Scurvy]

I must have missed the part where I said I was letting my children run up and down her halls yelling and screaming and that I was letting them take out every toy and then leaving them out. My child was expected to behave, and he did. Like I said we were outside with him the majority of the time playing and going for walks. May I ask why you thought that we were being a burden? I made my 6 year old pick up after himself and I picked up after my 9 month old and put everything in its place. But she was taking things out of my kids hands and putting them away. That to me is completely rude.

I never asked anyone to "look after me" and my 6 year old followed the rules that I set for him, the same rules he always has to follow at other peoples homes. We are not some lunatics for crying out loud. Yes, I should have though more to brining more of his things, but truly this type of situation has never happend to me. Maybe it is a regional thing but when you welcome a family to your home here, they are treated with anything they might need and if you don't want someone there, you certainly never show it.

I'm sure you aren't lunatics, but she probably isn't, either. You both just have different expectations. Apparently you thought that toys and the Wii would be "fair game" for guests, and she thinks that people will ask before using them or only use them if they are offered. You expect the host will provide things to entertain your child and she expects you to bring things for your own child. You expect that excited kids will get loud, while she expects that they will stay more quiet. You think that some water splashed on the floor isn't a big deal, she thinks that the floors should be kept dry. You think it was rude that she was taking things from your kids, and she might think you were rude for allowing your kids to play with the things without her permission. Neither one of you is necessarily right or wrong, but since you have different expectations and different house rules, the two of you are not a great mix.

Since you are paying for the lodging on vacation, it's essentially a "your house, your rules" situation, just as it was when you were visiting her. If she won't be comfortable staying with you then she should find alternate accomodations, just as you should if you go visit her again. Neither one of you should pay for the other's lodgings in those cases.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

Wow, that's just crazy.

About the Wii: We always put away the video game consoles and games themselves when we have company other than sons friends who are careful. If they get broken by others kids, we can't afford to replace them. I do make sure our company knows that though so they can bring their own if they feel comfortable doing that.

We also put away certain toys that are important to the kids so they aren't damaged. Everything else is fair game as long as it's out. But don't go digging in our closests looking for stuff (yes, it's happened and I've had to be the baddie stopping it.)

Also as someone whose DH keeps inviting people to stay with us, it's extremely stressful and frustrating to me. We don't have the space, my DS loses his room for the time they are here because he has the double bed and he ends up on the couch in the living room or on the floor in the living room. And I've got the extra cleaning and cooking to deal with.

Plus DH is at work all day and I'm home all day stuck with them. It's especially bad when the inlaws come. All they want to do is play cards. Drives me insane.

The inlaws also invite themselves. I've asked DH to mention that they might want to get a hotel room for their own space since it's crowded at our house but he won't do it so for the meantime, I'm stuck. They don't talk to me prior to showing up. Heck, they even tell DH what they want to eat and expect me to have gone out and bought it. Grrrrrrr. Which I did the first few times they visited but now they get what I have planned for meals. If they want something else, they can feel free to go get it themselves.

Good luck with WDW. I'd figure out a way to mention them getting their own room somehow, someway.

 

[Wishing on a star]

She constandly was cleaning and fretting about something. She stood in the kitchen and proceeded to wipe up any drop of water that touched the floor. Cleaned up any toys that they let my 9 month old play with before she was even done playing....it was just miserable. I was a stressed out mess trying to keep both my kids quiet and in order so that she did not get upset about it.

......this SIL cannot manage her stress issues

OP, is this scenario like a big surprise?
You've never seen her be this way?

In any case, i would have left like you did.
I am not flaming the SIL. But, seriously, based on the above quotes, she sounds like she has both OCD and is a germaphobe.

I would definitely make arrangements to have separate accommodations from this family on the trip. That is going to be the only way you, or she, or anyone else retains their sanity and has an enjoyable time.

 

[C.Ann]

Hmmm.. Don't think I would be visiting there again any time soon.. LOL..

Sorry you had to drive all the way back home again..

 

[ilovesugar]

OP, is this scenario like a big surprise?
You've never seen her be this way?

In any case, i would have left like you did.
I am not flaming the SIL. But, seriously, based on the above quotes, she sounds like she has both OCD and is a germaphobe.

I would definitely make arrangements to have separate accommodations from this family on the trip. That is going to be the only way you, or she, or anyone else retains their sanity and has an enjoyable time.

I know it does sound kind of strange that she is my SIL and I don't know her that well. She and my BIL lived in VT for 6 years right after they got married and then moved to their current state about 8 months ago. This is the first time anyone has been invited to come and stay so of course we jumped at the chance because I really wanted to get to know her and my nephew that I had never seen. It is unfortunate that it turned out the way it did because I am in no hurry to visit there again.

 

[jodifla]

You really think that the fact that she prefers kids to be quiet, doesn't provide toys for a visiting child, doesn't want water on the floor and cleans more than the OP thinks is necessary means she needs therapy?! I think that's quite a leap.

No leap at all from what OP wrote. SIL is a Looney Tune. Not letting a kid play with a toy??? Serious NUT JOB!

OP, looks like you caught a break that they've lived so far from you this long.

I'd heavily try to discourage them from staying with you. She'll do her best to wreck the vacation for everyone.

People who cannot be gracious hosts shouldn't invite people to their homes. OP's husband should call his brother and ask, "What the hey?"

Again if your house and your rules are more important than the FAMILY staying with you for 72 hours, then priorities are seriously misaligned.

 

[Scurvy]

No leap at all from what OP wrote. SIL is a Looney Tune. Not letting a kid play with a toy??? Serious NUT JOB!

OP, looks like you caught a break that they've lived so far from you this long.

I'd heavily try to discourage them from staying with you. She'll do her best to wreck the vacation for everyone.

People who cannot be gracious hosts shouldn't invite people to their homes. OP's husband should call his brother and ask, "What the hey?"

Again if your house and your rules are more important than the FAMILY staying with you for 72 hours, then priorities are seriously misaligned.

Not letting a kid play with someone else's toy doesn't make someone a nut job. It sounds like for some reason she didn't feel comfortable letting the OP's child play with her child's toys. There are plenty of reasons someone might feel that way, many of which are perfectly sensible.

I definitely agree, though, that the OP should discourage her sister-in-law from staying with her, or at least let her know she won't be catering to her as far as the noise level or neatness at the hotel. They don't seem terribly compatible. Of course, since it seems the OP has invited them and is paying, that means she's hosting them. So perhaps, in order to be a gracious host, she should try to make her sister-in-law comfortable by keeping the noise level down and keeping the place as clean as possible. After all, the family staying with her should be the most important thing, after all!

 

[mhsjax]

YOu know, I just can't figure out how Dis'ers are going to respond to any given question.

The sil's behavior would usually equate to her raising a snowflake. No one can play with his toys, he won't share, there might be germs. For the life of me I can't understand the reasoning behind someone thinking it is ok to invite someone over that has a child, and you have a child too, and yet you refuse to let them play with a toy. I am not talking about the Wii. I somewhat understand that, but the bigwheel, the little types BBQ set. Those things are basically tanks that now one can break. We had a middle school riding a big wheel. It was hysterical. Like the clowns in the circus.

There is no justification for this type of behavior, it is rude and this child will grow up the be the complete and total snowfalk that most you B and moan about.

 

[Scurvy]

YOu know, I just can't figure out how Dis'ers are going to respond to any given question.

The sil's behavior would usually equate to her raising a snowflake. No one can play with his toys, he won't share, there might be germs. For the life of me I can't understand the reasoning behind someone thinking it is ok to invite someone over that has a child, and you have a child too, and yet you refuse to let them play with a toy. I am not talking about the Wii. I somewhat understand that, but the bigwheel, the little types BBQ set. Those things are basically tanks that now one can break. We had a middle school riding a big wheel. It was hysterical. Like the clowns in the circus.

There is no justification for this type of behavior, it is rude and this child will grow up the be the complete and total snowfalk that most you B and moan about.

Ordinarily I would agree that the nice thing to do would be to share the sturdier toys. However, after our experiences with a couple of kids I don't always feel that way any longer. These kids would destroy everything, even practically indestructable toys. They'd ride things they were too heavy for and break or bend them. Those toys that they couldn't destroy, they'd use wrong and end up breaking other things with them, or hurting the other kids. They'd bouce balls against our picture windows and abuse our dog and cats. For the longest time we didn't want to say anything to their parents so we'd be very passive about the whole thing, by trying to pack away the things we didn't want them using. Their parents never corrected them, and even made comments that we were too hard on our child because we wouldn't let him behave that way.

I seriously doubt that the OP's child behaved that way, but from her posts it is obvious that her child isn't as "controlled" as her sister-in-law would prefer, and so the sister-in-law might have panicked. To her, it might have seemed as though the OP's child was out of control and she might have been trying to protect her child's toys (and the dog, and the floor) from possible damage. If that is the case, then I think her behavior is somewhat understandable.

 

[mhsjax]

Ordinarily I would agree that the nice thing to do would be to share the sturdier toys. However, after our experiences with a couple of kids I don't always feel that way any longer. These kids would destroy everything, even practically indestructable toys. They'd ride things they were too heavy for and break or bend them. Those toys that they couldn't destroy, they'd use wrong and end up breaking other things with them, or hurting the other kids. They'd bouce balls against our picture windows and abuse our dog and cats. For the longest time we didn't want to say anything to their parents so we'd be very passive about the whole thing, by trying to pack away the things we didn't want them using. Their parents never corrected them, and even made comments that we were too hard on our child because we wouldn't let him behave that way.

I seriously doubt that the OP's child behaved that way, but from her posts it is obvious that her child isn't as "controlled" as her sister-in-law would prefer, and so the sister-in-law might have panicked. To her, it might have seemed as though the OP's child was out of control and she might have been trying to protect her child's toys (and the dog, and the floor) from possible damage. If that is the case, then I think her behavior is somewhat understandable.

I think we all know kids like that, but we don't know what the situation is. I am coming form my point of view in that I know someone like the sil. My kids are always welcome at their friends house, the parents tell me so when they call to invite them over. Anyway, my friend was like the sil. My kids weren't made to feel welcome to play with their kids toys, and they would refuse to share, yet when they were at our house, they made sure that our kids shared their toys with them. So, this is where I am coming from. There are people out there who are just selfish and controlling and mean.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'm taking a guess here and saying that the brother said "You have to come visit us!" and the OP's dh said "Great! We'll be at your house Friday!"
However maybe brother didn't really mean he wanted you at his house. He just wanted you to visit and then go to a hotel or home. Then SIL who doesn't really like overnight guests is now on high alert because the whole thing stresses her out. Maybe she wasn't trying to be a jerk about the toy thing but you have to remember that her kids are young and probably don't have friends over so she is not used to how other kids play. Not saying the other kids are playing badly- just different than hers. I remember when I had my first child it would make me nervous to have certain kids over. It's not that I minded the child etc. but I was not used to the way they played- dumping all the toys bins over (even though we always cleaned up before they left) because my own child never played that way. It would stress me out. I no longer stress about that stuff because I have 5 kids and have since learned it is no big deal.
You mentioned water dripping on the floor etc. While it is no big deal really I bet in her head she is screaming "HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT IS DRIPPING?!!!!!!!!" I won't tell you how I know that. She just can't take that much upset in her environment for that long. 24\7 guests are not for everyone. She probably would have enjoyed you more (and you them) if she got a break at night to have some private time in her home to unwind. Houseguests are not for everyone.

 

[ilovesugar]

I'm taking a guess here and saying that the brother said "You have to come visit us!" and the OP's dh said "Great! We'll be at your house Friday!"
However maybe brother didn't really mean he wanted you at his house. He just wanted you to visit and then go to a hotel or home. Then SIL who doesn't really like overnight guests is now on high alert because the whole thing stresses her out. Maybe she wasn't trying to be a jerk about the toy thing but you have to remember that her kids are young and probably don't have friends over so she is not used to how other kids play. Not saying the other kids are playing badly- just different than hers. I remember when I had my first child it would make me nervous to have certain kids over. It's not that I minded the child etc. but I was not used to the way they played- dumping all the toys bins over (even though we always cleaned up before they left) because my own child never played that way. It would stress me out. I no longer stress about that stuff because I have 5 kids and have since learned it is no big deal.
You mentioned water dripping on the floor etc. While it is no big deal really I bet in her head she is screaming "HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT IS DRIPPING?!!!!!!!!" I won't tell you how I know that. She just can't take that much upset in her environment for that long. 24\7 guests are not for everyone. She probably would have enjoyed you more (and you them) if she got a break at night to have some private time in her home to unwind. Houseguests are not for everyone.

Actually you could not be more wrong if you tried. When they moved, they bought a huge 6500 sw ft home with the intention that it would be the place that all three families ( us, the other BIL and the MIL and FIL) would come and stay and spend time together. They BOTH told us this when they bought the home.

As for what they said about this weekend, they invited ALL of our families to come and stay at their home for the weekend. There was no assumption on my part at all that we were just welcome to stay at their home. We were invited. And how exactly do you suggest I go to someones home who lives 3 HOURS away for a visit and then turn around and go home? That is just absured. I just thank god the other brother and his family could not make it or she might have had a mental breakdown.

And let me clarify the dripping. It is not as if people were standing around with water pouring out of our hands. It would be if you washed your hands and a drop (YES A DROP) of water landed on the floor. She would come over and be wiping the floor.

 

[disykat]

YOu know, I just can't figure out how Dis'ers are going to respond to any given question.

The sil's behavior would usually equate to her raising a snowflake. No one can play with his toys, he won't share, there might be germs. For the life of me I can't understand the reasoning behind someone thinking it is ok to invite someone over that has a child, and you have a child too, and yet you refuse to let them play with a toy. I am not talking about the Wii. I somewhat understand that, but the bigwheel, the little types BBQ set. Those things are basically tanks that now one can break. We had a middle school riding a big wheel. It was hysterical. Like the clowns in the circus.

There is no justification for this type of behavior, it is rude and this child will grow up the be the complete and total snowfalk that most you B and moan about.

I don't think that anyone thinks it's "okay," just that some of us think there could BE some justification for acting that way. This is the mother of a two year old, who is obviously not used to having other kids and lots of people around her personal space. I think there's a point where you cut some people some slack.

IMO, the SIL is a bit high maintenance and going to her house wouldn't be something to look forward to, but I don't get all the "nut job" comments. She probably thought she could handle it and found out it wasn't as pleasant for her as she had envisioned. How many of us haven't 'been there, done that' about something?

I grew up visiting relatives at their homes and we all knew the ones where you had to be quiet, the ones where you sneaked food in the car, the ones who had other weird quirks, but we still visited. They were family and we made allowances.

I think the OP can invite the SIL to her house and show her how fun it is to be more relaxed and that their family is going to welcome and love her even if everything isn't perfect.

 

[design_mom]

YOu know, I just can't figure out how Dis'ers are going to respond to any given question.

The sil's behavior would usually equate to her raising a snowflake. No one can play with his toys, he won't share, there might be germs. For the life of me I can't understand the reasoning behind someone thinking it is ok to invite someone over that has a child, and you have a child too, and yet you refuse to let them play with a toy. I am not talking about the Wii. I somewhat understand that, but the bigwheel, the little types BBQ set. Those things are basically tanks that now one can break. We had a middle school riding a big wheel. It was hysterical. Like the clowns in the circus.

There is no justification for this type of behavior, it is rude and this child will grow up the be the complete and total snowfalk that most you B and moan about.

Yeah, you never know. I personally dislike the whole snowflake/helicopter thing because you never get the whole story... And this is the same.

There's another DIS mantra: my house, my rules. It's been applied to a number of things. In this case, it's SIL's house and SIL's rules... Regardless of how ridiculous we might think her rules are.

 

[southernbohemian]

I do not think you are out of line OP. Your SIL and BIL need to remember that they are your children's aunts and uncles and not treat them like they are some cootie filled strays. I think what makes this over the top is that she made you feel so uncomfortable that you left after 1 day.

That is probably what I would have brought up when she kept taking toys from the OP's son - lightheartedly, "You know, we had him tested and he doesn't have cooties." Maybe then she would have either given a reason for being so controlling with the toys, or maybe realized that she was acting poorly.

I would still let her come to WDW and stay in the villa. She is family and she might have been having a terrible weekend, etc. She might just have had a vision of how this extended family life was going to be and it isn't what she thought and was having trouble adjusting. My first few holidays with DBF were some of the most strained times because I, excited about starting new traditions, etc., would have these lovely ideas of how things would work out, and they never did (especially when his mother consistently invites her own guests over to our house with no warning - even for opening Christmas presents or Thanksgiving dinner - and thinks this is not rude). Since you left early, I'm sure they got the message that staying at their house was not the fun time everyone expected. On the fishing trip, I would as your DH to ask BIL what you could have done differently - maybe she let one little thing destroy the entire weekend.

Since you are hosting them at WDW, I would keep in mind her quirks - if you are planning on cooking a lot, maybe set up a schedule before you go about who is cooking, who does the dishes, etc., so that she doesn't feel like she needs to be the maid since no one can be as neat as her. Make a point of letting your kids share their toys with her son. Keep your kids out of their room at all times. But if she wants to spend the entire vacation lysoling the place, she's going to - just get out of the villa and go have some fun.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Actually you could not be more wrong if you tried. When they moved, they bought a huge 6500 sw ft home with the intention that it would be the place that all three families ( us, the other BIL and the MIL and FIL) would come and stay and spend time together. They BOTH told us this when they bought the home.

As for what they said about this weekend, they invited ALL of our families to come and stay at their home for the weekend. There was no assumption on my part at all that we were just welcome to stay at their home. We were invited. And how exactly do you suggest I go to someones home who lives 3 HOURS away for a visit and then turn around and go home? That is just absured. I just thank god the other brother and his family could not make it or she might have had a mental breakdown.

And let me clarify the dripping. It is not as if people were standing around with water pouring out of our hands. It would be if you washed your hands and a drop (YES A DROP) of water landed on the floor. She would come over and be wiping the floor.

Wow.
I was merely offering up a different point of view. That certainly gives some insight why maybe she wasn't feeling all that welcoming to you.

Oh- and plenty of people visit relatives 3 hours away for the day. So it's not really all the absurd.

Even if they did really invite you maybe in theory it sounded like a good idea but once you were there she found you annoying. You never had that happen before? (not people finding you annoying but the other way around) Spending immense amounts of time with family doesn't work for everyone. Maybe she thinks your kids are too rough and you think it is normal kid play? Who knows? Clearly something annoyed her.

 

[Buckalew11]

Maybe TLC should give your SIL her own show.

I hate to be Carnack (sp) the Magnificent but I'm betting the WDW will not be as fun as those Disney commericials make those Magical Family Gatherings seem.

Good luck to all who show up.