I need some advice

[Tigger&Belle]

Of course you're allowed to be hurt and upset. That's natural and normal in your situation. And try not to beat yourself up over being a bad judge of character--many of us have been there, done that. It happens and sometimes it's difficult to tell before getting to know someone.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I understand you correctly, you started an Internet relationship with this man, corresponded with him for a few months, met him at DLP, spent a few days with him there, continued a long distance relationship, he then asked you not to contact him as frequently, you contacted him again, now he says you can't be trusted, so he doesn't want a relationship, but he will meet you for drinks at DLP again, and you think he's "the one" so you are devastated by this.

I am not flaming you. However, some things come to mind as I read your posts:

~You are certainly allowed to be hurt. Feelings are feelings.

~Please think about why you jumped into this relationship rather quickly. It sounds as if you might have been a bit too eager, and that is usually a turn-off for people. At the very least, it is scary. Years ago, I went with a guy who, after a few dates, I found out had a drug issue that I wasn't going to deal with or be involved in (suffice it to say that it was circa 1984 & I spent $60 on a cab ride home from a town quite far away from where I lived because I wasn't going to get into the car with him in his drug-induced stuporous state). Anyhow, the next day he called to apologize, and I accepted his apology but told him we would not be dating anymore as I didn't agree with his lifestyle choices. He got all upset, carrying on about how I was "the one" for him and so forth. I have to be honest, it creeped me out to think that someone thought after a few dates that I was "the one". If the drug thing hadn't mnade me question his judgement, the "you're the one" thing after a fairly short relationship did! I know it happens, I know there will be a million DISers who will tell me that they knew the second they met their spouse they knew that was it. Heck, my DH will tell you that! He claims that the minute he saw me he knew I was "it" for him. However, he still had the good sense to let our relationship develop, and not go making pronouncements about being "the one" after a short period of time of us knowing each other. Make sure that when you think someone is "the one" that it really is the person who is "the one" and not the idea of having someone.

~I agree with all PPs who said that he probably has another relationship of some sort and your frequent contacts probably made him think that his significant other would "catch" him.

~I wouldn't meet him for a drink. I'd see no point. If he asked me why, I'd say "We're done with each other so there is no point".

~I probably wouldn't make a date for a drink then stand him up. I would find that childish, high-school type behavior.

~I'd thank my lucky stars that I got out of this mess before I got really into it.

~Do consider the advice of those who have said that you need to be careful with Internet stuff, especially what you expose your DD to. It may not be something you want to hear, so you call it "flaming" instead of advice, but it is good advice.

I am sorry that you have had your heart broken, but it will mend and you will meet a great person. I know we never think that when the hurt is fresh, but it does happen.

 

[JohnZ46]

I'm sorry if my post seemed like a flame. That wasn't my intention.

Let me explain...

If someone loves you, they value your happiness as much as their own. When you fall for a guy who values your happiness, he will be "the one".

This guy has no regard for how you feel. He ends the relationship for some minor infraction and then makes it all your fault by saying that you "blew it". It's like he's trying to teach you some twisted lesson for being a "bad girl". Frankly, he sounds like the kind of guy that hates women and plays little mind games with them.

In your posts you sound like you are blaming yourself and are hoping to figure out how to fix it. If that's the case, then you might want to look within yourself to figure out why you feel that way. Because instead of blaming yourself you should be angry at him for jerking you around.

When you do meet the right guy, you'll look back and understand that this was something you had to experience in order to be ready for that moment.


Once again, I'm sorry if my post seemed like a flame.

 

[thelittlemermaid83]

If I understand you correctly, you started an Internet relationship with this man, corresponded with him for a few months, met him at DLP, spent a few days with him there, continued a long distance relationship, he then asked you not to contact him as frequently, you contacted him again, now he says you can't be trusted, so he doesn't want a relationship, but he will meet you for drinks at DLP again, and you think he's "the one" so you are devastated by this.


~Please think about why you jumped into this relationship rather quickly. It sounds as if you might have been a bit too eager, and that is usually a turn-off for people. At the very least, it is scary. Years ago, I went with a guy who, after a few dates, I found out had a drug issue that I wasn't going to deal with or be involved in (suffice it to say that it was circa 1984 & I spent $60 on a cab ride home from a town quite far away from where I lived because I wasn't going to get into the car with him in his drug-induced stuporous state). Anyhow, the next day he called to apologize, and I accepted his apology but told him we would not be dating anymore as I didn't agree with his lifestyle choices. He got all upset, carrying on about how I was "the one" for him and so forth. I have to be honest, it creeped me out to think that someone thought after a few dates that I was "the one". If the drug thing hadn't mnade me question his judgement, the "you're the one" thing after a fairly short relationship did! I know it happens, I know there will be a million DISers who will tell me that they knew the second they met their spouse they knew that was it. Heck, my DH will tell you that! He claims that the minute he saw me he knew I was "it" for him. However, he still had the good sense to let our relationship develop, and not go making pronouncements about being "the one" after a short period of time of us knowing each other. Make sure that when you think someone is "the one" that it really is the person who is "the one" and not the idea of having someone.

.

I never told the guy that i thought he was the one all i ever said was that i liked him.....i didnt know telling someone you like them is scary.

I just believed in my heart that he could of been the one.

And I am skepitcal about the namebadge thing. I dont know if Paris is different but all those high level execs on the Travel Channel shows ALWAYS have their name badges on.

I don't know the answer that one tbh, but i really dont think he was lying about it. If he was then hes sicker than i thought.


I just feel let down and i guess strung along by the promises of someone i thought cared about me.

 

[crzyred]

thelittlemermaid83:
I just feel let down and i guess strung along by the promises of someone i thought cared about me.


It's always hard to think that someone you care about can hurt you. But he has. Take those feelings and remember them. Stay away from him if you don't want to feel this way again.

I know it seems like some of us are coming across rather strongly but we just really don't want you to make a mistake and continue any type of relationship with this guy.

It will be best for your emotions to just completely cut of any and all communication with this person. ( I can't even call him a man, because no real man would act like that)

Things will get better.

 

[Disney Doll]

See bolded below.

I never told the guy that i thought he was the one all i ever said was that i liked him.....i didnt know telling someone you like them is scary. Men are funny creatures sometimes.I just believed in my heart that he could of been the one.
We've all been there. I dated a guy for a year that I thought was "the one". He wasn't. I don't know the answer that one tbh, but i really dont think he was lying about it. If he was then hes sicker than i thought. We'll never know I guess.

I just feel let down and i guess strung along by the promises of someone i thought cared about me. I'm sorry you're sad.

 

[minniecarousel]

And im gonna arrange to meet him and just not turn up, Im gonna watch him from afar hang aroung like a loser and hopefully he will feel as crap as hes made me feel.

Oh, Sweetie - don't do this! It is really childish and it makes you look bad! Just go about your business, don't contact him and don't respond to him. THAT will truly give you the upper hand!

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you because you're hurting.

 

[Mono~rail]

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. It stinks. Don't really know much else to say. The quicker you stop thinking about him and wasting time and energy on him, the quicker you can move on to finding "the one" who really is out there for you.

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

He didnt want me to call him as he said he is busy plus he said something about the time difference, seeing as right now he is NY and im in the UK.

Because back in the states he is back with his significant other.

He is a player.

Just keep telling yourself that you deserve much, much better. You will find the right guy, have faith.

Don't hold onto a jerk just because he is there.

You are a good person and deserve much better!!!

 

[thelittlemermaid83]

Thankyou everyone for all your replies and advice.

I know what your all saying is right. But i'm finding it so hard to switch off my feelings. I did speak to him last night on msn i just feel like its all my fault still.

I dont know how im going to get over this, hes really messed with my head and my heart.

 

[Mkrop]

Thankyou everyone for all your replies and advice.

I know what your all saying is right. But i'm finding it so hard to switch off my feelings. I did speak to him last night on msn i just feel like its all my fault still.

I dont know how im going to get over this, hes really messed with my head and my heart.

You need to stop speaking with him bc it is NOT your fault. It will hurt for a bit but you will be better off in the long run

 

[StrollPatrolMom]

She was with me when i met up with him last time for a drink and he seemed like a nice enough guy.

You took you 2 year old to meet a perfect stranger off of the internet

Not a good idea...

married? crazy? married and crazy? You cannot build a true relationship with someone over the internet, and the fact he doesn't want you calling is a major red flag.

Do not meet him, and consider some counseling to explore the issues that draw you to this type of relationship.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Thankyou everyone for all your replies and advice.

I know what your all saying is right. But i'm finding it so hard to switch off my feelings. I did speak to him last night on msn i just feel like its all my fault still.

I dont know how im going to get over this, hes really messed with my head and my heart.

You're believing the words instead of the actions, a lesson that can take years to learn - if ever. People can promise anything to get what they immediately want. But it's the follow-up and personal action that tells the truth.

If it were me, I'd do what others have suggested and lose his number, email address and IM moniker. Block him completely. Write him off. Go on with your life. You blew it? No, sweetie. He blew it.

There's a line Kim Cattral said on "Sex in the City" that I've used ever since I heard it:

"(man's name), I love you. But I love me more."

You have to love yourself enough to know you're worth more than the empty promises (that cost him nothing) and whatever crumbs of his spare time he wants to throw you. When you continue to chase after a man who's already told you once that you "blew it", you're confirming to him, and yourself, that he is more valuable than you are.

In which case you truly are "blowing it".

Love yourself first, love yourself more, and be prepared to be amazed by the people who suddenly come into your life loving you for who you are.

 

[Snowy-girls]

Hi Emma,
Sorry,but after all what i have read-i also believe that he was stringing you along.I have had my heart broken a few times+i blamed myself for every one of these break-ups-once over and done with-i KNOW it had nothing to do with me but it WAS them.
A little story from years ago before i met my hubby-i got with someone,he was a dj,we met whilst he was dj-ing at a wedding i was invited to.I thought ths is going great and he wanted to see me again.BUT he gave me set times on when to phone+set days-odd i thought.But done as he wished-he was busy dj-ing up till all hours of the morning and needed his sleep=he also had a part-time day job.One day we were due to meet,i coud'nt make it-i had no choice but to ring at a time when i should'nt-a woman answered-i asked for ****+said it's Michelle his girlfriend(thinking it was his sister)she told me he's not here he's gone out-i said 'oh are you his sister' and she said 'NO honey i'm his wife-you wanna tell me who the **** you are?' I got off that phone so quick.But i went anyway to meet him-played along-he bought me lunch,bought me lots of stuff i asked for that day.Right at the end of it all-i dumped him-it probably never bothered him but it made me feel great.I also told him i spoke to his 'wife' you should have seen his face-i would loved to have known what happened when he got home .

Emma,at the end of the day the choice is your's whether you meet him or not-you have asked for advice+i believe some pretty good advice has been given.But it's up to you-+if you do meet him-i would hate to think that this guy was some jerk+he breaks your heart even more.Take care.x.

 

[thelittlemermaid83]

Thankyou again to everyone.

I'm going to have a long hard think of what to do. I shall let you know what i decide.

 

[Snowy-girls]

Just wondering how you're doing Emma? I notice that you're off on your trip soon.x.