I need perspective here...

[NannyBeBe]

You need to decide how important your relationship with your sister is. This situation would not be happening if not for the pandemic. The pandemic will end and life and family will go on. My advice to you is to apologize and tell your sister that you understand where she is coming from. Just a simple apology, don't drag it out, and don't talk about it anymore. Tell your kids that you will all get together and have lots of fun when the pandemic is over.

 

[kymom99]

I was the one who told my siblings we were staying to ourselves for the holidays. I’m not completely shutting everything down but trying to minimize risk. My son came home from college. This is his home so he is bringing exposure here. He does not gather with others so I feel like he is doing his best. We keep our grandson here regularly so that’s another risk. One of our relatives chose to take their family to a gathering and then went out of town. We won’t be seeing them for a while. They don’t make good choices. If my extended family decided to get together that’s their business. I told them what we would be doing and that’s all I can control. If they question me, I don’t really care. Everyone needs to give each other a little grace right now. Things are tough. Kids have trouble with it for sure, but they just need conversations explaining that it’s temporary.

 

[1GoldenSun]

It may be that because the repairs to your relationship are still fresh, you're more sensitive to potential issues. This is completely understandable. I think you're smart to come on this board and ask "strangers" for their perspective; you obviously recognize the fact that it's difficult for you to be objective.

I agree with a lot of what others have stated, particularly that your sister meant to narrow her circle, and was letting both your family and hers know that this would be occurring. It may be that she intuited that your family might be hurt by this, and sharing photos of her nuclear family with you was her way of staying close to your family. You can't be there with them in person anymore but she doesn't want to completely cut you out of what's happening in their lives. What could be interpreted as insensitive and "rubbing it in your face" could really be your sister's attempts to keep the relationship between your two families alive. If you tell your daughter that Aunt and Cousins love her so much that they want her to stay as safe as possible, but at the same time they want to stay close to her through the sharing of photos, maybe your daughter would like to start documenting your family life in photos herself and sending them to Aunt and family. If she views it as a way to stay close to each other rather than a glimpse of all she is missing, she may feel better about it.

 

[hsmamato2]

I think you misinterpreted what she meant. She didn't mean "we won't be seeing any family", she meant "we are going to only see our immediate family". Personally I don't think adult children that don't still live with their parents should really be going over for the holidays either unless they are already seeing them due to other obligations (parents watch minor children, they are the caregiver for elderly parents) but I don't think what she said and what you heard are the same thing.

this sounds about right.... IDK why you didn't speak to your sister for so long before this,and I also think your sister is not very sensitive to others, but I'd let it go and use it as a teaching moment for my own family that people always 'show you who they are' eventually. 100% agreed that the 'guidelines' for social distancing includes family who lives with you,not how you're related etc. But people pick and choose what's "safe" to them all the time....

 

[mjkacmom]

this sounds about right.... IDK why you didn't speak to your sister for so long before this,and I also think your sister is not very sensitive to others, but I'd let it go and use it as a teaching moment for my own family that people always 'show you who they are' eventually. 100% agreed that the 'guidelines' for social distancing includes family who lives with you,not how you're related etc. But people pick and choose what's "safe" to them all the time....

Show you who they are? Do you even have adult children? Her sister clearly meant that only immediate family would be getting together, and obviously didn’t try to hide it. Her sister is not being insensitive. Getting together with only immediate family is a logical line in the sand.

 

[hsmamato2]

I'm just going to assume (hope?) that if your child was older and living on their own, you'd feel differently about this.

I'm not saying all caution should be thrown to the wind. I think families should find ways to assess and mitigate the risk, but that it's reasonable to make seeing them a very high priority. You want them to spend all the holidays alone? That's not OK by me.

We had discussions about potential exposure and encouraged our son to have a test (for this visit specifically, based on recent increased risk). We planned our Thanksgiving for when the test came back and he could get here, even if that meant a late Thanksgiving. And we decided not to see my own parents so that they wouldn't take even a small risk from exposure (they are in their 80's).

It just makes me sad to think anyone would just blanket exclude their adult kids.

Back when this all started, we did NOT see our adult son for 6-8 weeks in person. We followed the 'household members only' guideline for safety. (plus we understand the concept of each person having their own contacts in life creates a MUCH larger "circle",or venn diagram of individuals really than we actually see right around our own table) That said, after that initial period, our adult DS was the FIRST person we chose to open our small circle to,bc he's our son. Everyone else was secondary. So there's that, but I NEVER would have shared a bunch of photos with others in my family who were not in our little group. That's thoughtless.

 

[hsmamato2]

Show you who they are? Do you even have adult children? Her sister clearly meant that only immediate family would be getting together, and obviously didn’t try to hide it. Her sister is not being insensitive. Getting together with only immediate family is a logical line in the sand.

yes I do. Technically I broke the true safety guideline of our own household members only.... bc eventually my adult ds who doesn't live with me came inside the house (after 4 months of not coming in)...so I totally get it. 100%. It was really tough, and that first time we got together in the spring (for an outdoor hike,no hugs) was awesome. I get it. I think I meant it's insensitive to send all the happy fam pics.... but that's just me.It's an opinion only. (FWIW I took plenty of our own photos over this season,and shared them only with the people involved personally for this reason)

 

[Christine]

yes I do. Technically I broke the true safety guideline of our own household members only.... bc eventually my adult ds who doesn't live with me came inside the house (after 4 months of not coming in)...so I totally get it. 100%. It was really tough, and that first time we got together in the spring (for an outdoor hike,no hugs) was awesome. I get it. I think I meant it's insensitive to send all the happy fam pics.... but that's just me.It's an opinion only. (FWIW I took plenty of our own photos over this season,and shared them only with the people involved personally for this reason)

That might be a consideration if there was a solo person left at home; left out of the bubble. But the OP has her "own" happy family so I just can't see where the sensitivity issue is here at all. Not saying it can't happen--I've discovered (in my own family) that there are those folks that get hurt over everything or take everything as a slight--but if you each have a "bubble" with your own nuclear families, how could seeing pictures of the other family together be hurtful?

 

[hsmamato2]

That might be a consideration if there was a solo person left at home; left out of the bubble. But the OP has her "own" happy family so I just can't see where the sensitivity issue is here at all. Not saying it can't happen--I've discovered (in my own family) that there are those folks that get hurt over everything or take everything as a slight--but if you each have a "bubble" with your own nuclear families, how could seeing pictures of the other family together be hurtful?

I just know that others may feel lonely or left out,no matter what their situation appears.... That was my thought. I decided awhile ago not to post any social media pics anyway....sometimes the occasional scenery pic on my facebook or something. It's something I thought about early on in all of this. I have a lot of extended family,and friends who are like family to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

That might be a consideration if there was a solo person left at home; left out of the bubble. But the OP has her "own" happy family so I just can't see where the sensitivity issue is here at all. Not saying it can't happen--I've discovered (in my own family) that there are those folks that get hurt over everything or take everything as a slight--but if you each have a "bubble" with your own nuclear families, how could seeing pictures of the other family together be hurtful?

I agree, I enjoy seeing pictures of my extended family. I don’t think I’d share photos if one or some of my kids couldn’t make it. It’s not just about missing my kids, my kids are so close to each other and enjoy spending time together, it’s always so fun.

 

[fla4fun]

It sounds like there was a misunderstanding along the line, starting with the original group text. If the sister had made it clear from the start that she was reducing her circle to her nuclear family, rather than sending a group text that included nuclear family that said everyone needed to social distance, then the later photos wouldn’t have been a surprise or hurt anyone’s feelings. I take things literally, so based on the info provided by the OP, I would have assumed the sister’s children were part of the distancing also. There could have been conversations in the sister’s family that had already laid down what they would be doing, so when the text went out, they understood one thing and the OP understood something else. It happens. I would just let it go, and I like the suggestion of getting together virtually.

 

[Christine]

It sounds like there was a misunderstanding along the line, starting with the original group text. If the sister had made it clear from the start that she was reducing her circle to her nuclear family, rather than sending a group text that included nuclear family that said everyone needed to social distance, then the later photos wouldn’t have been a surprise or hurt anyone’s feelings. I take things literally, so based on the info provided by the OP, I would have assumed the sister’s children were part of the distancing also. There could have been conversations in the sister’s family that had already laid down what they would be doing, so when the text went out, they understood one thing and the OP understood something else. It happens. I would just let it go, and I like the suggestion of getting together virtually.

Very true. And I think if you're on the receiving end of being hurt, it's always best to look at intention. If it's a misunderstanding due to poor communication, then take it as that. Don't be hurt. Things happen and if you enjoy these family members and they've not shown themselves to be bizarre backstabbing flaunters then take it for what it was and don't make more of it than what it is. It's not worth harboring bad feelings over something unintentional. Now, if the OP indicates that this sort of thing is typical of the sister (maybe leading to the 10 year estrangement), then that's another matter.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

yes I do. Technically I broke the true safety guideline of our own household members only.... bc eventually my adult ds who doesn't live with me came inside the house (after 4 months of not coming in)...so I totally get it. 100%. It was really tough, and that first time we got together in the spring (for an outdoor hike,no hugs) was awesome. I get it. I think I meant it's insensitive to send all the happy fam pics.... but that's just me.It's an opinion only. (FWIW I took plenty of our own photos over this season,and shared them only with the people involved personally for this reason)

That's why I mentioned about seeing friends on vacation. The OP and her children can choose to be upset at seeing photos of her sister and her family OR they can choose to share the joy at it and like others mentioned join in and share too. The OP just reconnected with her sister so I'm not sure we can discern motives on the sister's part that would equate to showing who they really are. That seems like someone is predisposed to seeing the worst out of people.

 

[SirDuff]

That might be a consideration if there was a solo person left at home; left out of the bubble. But the OP has her "own" happy family so I just can't see where the sensitivity issue is here at all. Not saying it can't happen--I've discovered (in my own family) that there are those folks that get hurt over everything or take everything as a slight--but if you each have a "bubble" with your own nuclear families, how could seeing pictures of the other family together be hurtful?

I live in another country than the rest of my family and I live alone. I will not be going home for the holidays and I'm not sure that I'll even be able to meet up with friends here (our COVID numbers are some of the worst in the world). I don't expect the rest of the my family (who are only getting together within households/nuclear family) to avoid posting pictures to spare my feelings.

 

[Christine]

I live in another country than the rest of my family and I live alone. I will not be going home for the holidays and I'm not sure that I'll even be able to meet up with friends here (our COVID numbers are some of the worst in the world). I don't expect the rest of the my family (who are only getting together within households/nuclear family) to avoid posting pictures to spare my feelings.

As I said, it *might* be a consideration. I've found there's really some sensitive people out there and you just have to judge what to do individually. I know that if, for instance, I cut my elderly mother out of gathering with me, my husband, and two adult children, she'd be perfectly fine to see our photos. One of my cousins would not handle it well at all.

 

[Befferk]

Let it go, or you won't have a relationship with her for much longer. I've been in estranged family member situations several times. Reacting like this is what will kill it, if it hasn't already. I completely understood her intent in both the original text, and later sending pics. She was probably trying to keep in touch by sharing pictures, thinking it would keep a connection with your family when you couldn't be together and that you might actually enjoy seeing their smiling faces.

 

[Donald13]

I think you’re overreacting. And if your kids are upset, remove them from the group chat.

 

[okeydokey]

Your sister was totally correct to limit her gathering to people only in her personal bubble. You were wrong for making a big deal out of it. She may have been rude posting the pics, but it's weird your kids aren't mature enough to see pics of others together without getting upset. I saw pics of my siblings holiday dinners with their kids and smiled. We took pics at our house too and shared them around. It was another way of keeping in touch.

 

[momz]

sounds like there are still some open wounds in this relationship. I agree with many, that in a healthy relationship, seeing happy pictures don't trigger hurt. But, my guess is there are underlying issues here that we know nothing about.

That being said, I am not upset with my brother (who lives 10 minutes away) for hosting his son and DIL from California over thanksgiving. In fact, I'm thankful that he did not come to my house. We hosted my nuclear family and my parents. Injecting my brother's family into the mix exponentially increases our risk. I am not offended in the least, and I am happy that he got to spend time with his son. Concerned? yes. But he measured the risk and they made their decision. So did I. Love him and can't wait for covid to be over.

 

[design_mom]

I also agree that it's understandable for your sister to shrink her bubble to still include her own children but not siblings and nieces. If she created the group text to send the message (vs. texting it to an already existing group), then I do see why you were confused and assumed it applied to everyone in the group chat, not just your family. It sounds like that part has been explained and you need to respect the answer.

However, if I'm understanding correctly, she sent photos of them doing things together to the group chat, you specifically asked her not to include your family when sending those photos because it was upsetting your kids, but she continued to send photos to your kids after that, correct? That's where I think she's in the wrong. If it was "she's posting them on her facebook page and my kids see them" then there's really nothing you can do about that, but if she's sending them directly to you/your kids after you specifically asked her to stop, then she's out of line. I'm not sure what you can do about it besides 1) try to talk to her again, 2) learn to live with it and try to help your kids understand, or 3) remove your kids from the group chat (if you can) or block the number for a while. I do think she's wrong to continue to send the pictures if you've asked her to stop, but I guess you have to decide if this is a hill you want to defend.