I need perspective here...

[Colleen27]

Just choosing certain people is exactly how it works for most people at this point. Few people are willing and able to totally isolate, but the smaller the circle, the lower the risk. And as the mother of young adult kids, I really don't care who is offended by the fact that my kids rank higher than the rest of the extended family.

I think your task here is to talk to your kids about their expectations. Seeing cousins is wonderful but outside of a lot of people's comfort zones right now because of the pandemic and the winter weather limiting safer outdoor gatherings like picnics and BBQs. I'm sure your kids would understand that if the roles were reversed, you'd want to continue seeing them even as you limit your exposure to others, so they should be able to understand what their aunt is doing by prioritizing her own nuclear family over larger gatherings of extended kin.

 

[Skywalker]

And again, that's fine! It's a bummer that we can't be together but totally understood.
It was upsetting for my child to see the pictures of them all having a great time, so I asked if she could refrain from sending them TO HER. that would be appreciated. That's too much to ask of a family member?

Yes I do think it's too much to ask of a family member to hide her time with her children. Better to just be up front with your child about the reality that yes, other families can get together without us. And even have a great time too. You asked for perspective, I am giving you my opinion. You are out of line. Your daughter needs to learn how to cope, not try to tell others what they can or can't do.

 

[Hikergirl]

If your children are going to be upset about seeing their older adult cousins pictured with their parents then maybe you shouldn't allow them to be in group chats with adults.

 

[GreatLakes]

I think you misinterpreted what she meant. She didn't mean "we won't be seeing any family", she meant "we are going to only see our immediate family". Personally I don't think adult children that don't still live with their parents should really be going over for the holidays either unless they are already seeing them due to other obligations (parents watch minor children, they are the caregiver for elderly parents) but I don't think what she said and what you heard are the same thing.

 

[WeatherLights]

My perspective, based solely on what you wrote in your posts, is that you should let it go. If you enjoy having your sister and her family back in your life, don't let this cause a new rift. She is seeing her adult children and social distancing from you and your family. That's a reasonable thing for her to do. The fewer people she interacts with, the safer she is from COVID. It's not an all or nothing thing--visiting with zero people is safer than visiting with two or three people, which is safer than visiting with six or seven. No one can tell you how to feel abut things, but your response to her seems ill advised if you want to maintain the relationship.

 

[RangerPooh]

Perhaps the group text was her way of saying that social distance would be between families. If that was the case then details were missing. It's understandable that her Thanksgiving bubble was her family (grown kids). I'd move on from this and find other avenues to remain connected. Perhaps a family dinner or desert over Zoom/Facetime.

 

[low-key]

I would just let it go, the two sides will never be happy togeather

If you believe in in keeping things in small cirlces the other side, is stupid, and there stupidness is spreading the virus and prolonging this thbg lponger

if you believe the shut down is all about politics then the other side is being scared by panic porn and wont fight for there freedom

there is no happy middle, just dont talk about it

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Again, this doesn’t seem bad to me. We’re all sending pics of our families back and forth on my family group text as a way to still be close while apart. My group text feed was full of my brother and sister and mom all sending pictures back and forth of our individual celebrations and their kids. I think she’s probably trying to keep the connection with your kids and hers going even if you have to be physically apart.

I think it’s a lot to tell someone that pics of them hanging with their own children is upsetting. It seems like the brief reconciliation is about to crater. How would you feel if you sent a Thanksgiving pic of you and your two kids to them and they said the picture of you all living together was upsetting?

I don't know your relationship with your sister or why you were apart for so many years. If you want to maintain the relationship, it would be better for you & your kids, if you tried to see it this way. That very well may be the case.

What you guys COULD have all done is do a group video call on Facetime or Zoom or something like that. Your kids can still see their cousins...just do it via technology for now instead.

And in terms of preventing YOUR children from getting sick, maybe it's not such a bad thing that your 2 families will not be getting together for a little while. After all, isn't it the 18-30 yr old crowd who are doing the most of getting together w/o masks & partying it up, and end up super spreading COVID cooties all over the place?

Great advice. OP, suggest this to your sister for the next time her family gets together.

 

[emer95]

My two adult children still come to our house, even though we are not getting together with my parents and siblings right now. I can’t imagine my sister being upset if I sent a picture of me and my children to her and her kids. I am sorry but I really think you’re in the wrong here.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

As I said, that's totally understandable. When she sent the group text to begin with, it didn't read that way. It seemed like we were all supposed to quarantine. Maybe that was our bad thinking that way? I figured if she just meant US should would have sent to text to just US.
I told her that it was upsetting for my child to see the pictures of them hanging out, so if she could please refrain from sending them while were in quarantine. My daughter suffers from depression, and not having any family around is very hard for her. I may be overprotective of her, but seeing her depressed is like death to a mother.

I’m with others that you have completely overreacted to this. And I would have assumed it meant the two different families wouldn’t be hanging out together, not each individual. My guess is she included her family in the group text to explain to them what was going on too; I mean she included her DH and I don’t think you assumed she wouldn’t see him?

Thats literally the only thing my kid is upset about LOL. We alllll understand that they're going to do what they want.

In fairness, this is not what your original post portrayed. It very much sounded like you (or your daughter) were upset they created a bubble that didn’t include you. I understand being disappointed, but it is up to you to help your daughter through this. I can understand you asking her to not send things on the group chat because it was upsetting your daughter, but you can also handle that on your end by removing your daughter from the group text or blocking the number for awhile.

If you want to maintain the relationship you’ve built with your sister, I really think you need to move on from this.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

My sister-in-law and I often send texts and include our kids so we are all on the same page. I think this could have been a learning moment for your daughter to explain that the parents were still going to see their kids, but during these times not mix with extended family. I also agree that having zoom meetings would be a nice compromise during these times. I don't see that your sister did anything wrong.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thats literally the only thing my kid is upset about LOL. We alllll understand that they're going to do what they want.

It sounds like though the kids are upset that they don't get to hang out with the other family members, maybe the picture is merely adding insult to injury but the roots seems to be you were hanging out and now you're not but she is able to see other family members (that are her children in this case).

Maybe your kids are in part picking up your disappointment (which I can understand feeling that especially after just reconnecting )? It sounds like a miscommunication happened where you thought "okay everyone is staying away from everyone" (which you said what happened to social distancing in your OP) but in reality it just meant keeping the households separate (yours and hers). With adult children it's possible they have enough repeated contact with their parent(s) that they are part of that person's social circle so her adult children coming over may not be treated the same as your two households getting together.

I agree with others here that what your sister is doing is fine, it's something that sounds like hurt feelings, but is something you and your children need to work on coping with that for lack of a better term. It's hard to just say she can't post any pictures because wouldn't you still want to keep up with them? If it's truly just the kids upset create a new group chat without them in it and request the photos be shared there but understand if your sister doesn't want to do that and work with managing expectations. It's kinda like seeing photos of your friends taking vacation (pre covid) you can be jealous they are there or you can share in their adventures.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

Recently she sent a group text saying that with the uptick of Covid, we all must social distance.
In this group chat was me, my 2 oldest kids, her husband, 2 kids, and their SOs (my hubs doesn't have an iPhone so he can't get in on the group chats LOL). My girls were bummed but understood.

The next day, my sister post pics to the same group chat of her adult daughter sleeping over... After a few pics, my kids were obviously upset. What happened to all of us social distancing???

So I send her a private text saying, Hey, you have every right to do whatever you want with your kids, but you sent a text saying we all need to social distance (and canceled plans we had set) then less than 24 hours later, you're sending pics of your kids over your house to us?? You're obviously free to do whatever you want, but please don't say one thing, and then send pictures of you doing the exact opposite in the group chat - It's really upsetting my kids.
She texted back saying how this is hard on everyone, blah blah blah. She didn't take ownership of what she had done at all.

I don't find this contradictory. My mom canceled the big family Thanksgiving get together but still invited my brother and I over for a smaller gathering. Limiting the number of contacts you have is a smart strategy in this time to lower the risk of transmission.

If your kids don't understand the difference between a parent/child relationship vs the extended family, then maybe you should take this opportunity to educate them.

 

[Heather07438]

We can sometimes be too quick assuming the worst of something. Take a moment to figure out in what context it could make sense. Life is complicated enough without creating unnecessary drama.

Enjoy the holidays, enjoy your rekindled relationship

 

[Karin1984]

What is stopping you from taking fun pictures with your kids and posting them as well in the group chat? Not to get back at her, but just to exchange fun experiences. "Wish you were here / we will be together again soon".

I understand you are getting all tiger-mommy to protect your kids from getting upset, however, it sends off a bad message. Your sister is not doing anything wrong, teach your kids to deal with it. Talk to them about how it feels, what they can do about it and teach them to distract themselves. Removing obstacles doesnt help them in the long run.

 

[mjkacmom]

You can be with your kids, she can be with her kids. I have 3 adult kids who don’t live her, and 2 almost adult kids who do live here. My adult kids come before any siblings, nieces or nephews. One was here all week home from college (had COVID already), and the other 2 plus a SO came over yesterday for a belated thanksgiving (we mostly stayed in the yard). They’re my children!

 

[mom2rtk]

I think you misinterpreted what she meant. She didn't mean "we won't be seeing any family", she meant "we are going to only see our immediate family". Personally I don't think adult children that don't still live with their parents should really be going over for the holidays either unless they are already seeing them due to other obligations (parents watch minor children, they are the caregiver for elderly parents) but I don't think what she said and what you heard are the same thing.

I'm just going to assume (hope?) that if your child was older and living on their own, you'd feel differently about this.

I'm not saying all caution should be thrown to the wind. I think families should find ways to assess and mitigate the risk, but that it's reasonable to make seeing them a very high priority. You want them to spend all the holidays alone? That's not OK by me.

We had discussions about potential exposure and encouraged our son to have a test (for this visit specifically, based on recent increased risk). We planned our Thanksgiving for when the test came back and he could get here, even if that meant a late Thanksgiving. And we decided not to see my own parents so that they wouldn't take even a small risk from exposure (they are in their 80's).

It just makes me sad to think anyone would just blanket exclude their adult kids.

 

[mom2rtk]

And as the mother of young adult kids, I really don't care who is offended by the fact that my kids rank higher than the rest of the extended family.

This.

 

[bballmom56]

her kids and their SOs go off to work/school every day as well, one of which is very close contact as well, no masks.

Though if you're truly trying to avoid Covid, you should avoid EVERYONE - especially ones who work in the medical field where patients can't wear a mask.)

She can do as she chooses with her kids, but why would you want to potentially expose your family if some of the members of her family work in very close contact with other people with no masks or are working in the medical field with patients that can't wear masks? You may have dodged a bullet (or at least a virus).

 

[Christine]

As a parent with two adult children (like your sister), I get it. I have my kids over. They are part of my "bubble" unless they've done something I consider risky and then I don't see them for 2 weeks. In reading all your posts, I think you very much misunderstood what was going on. I commend your sister actually for just being fothright about it, cutting down her bubble (for both of your sakes), and trying to keep you connected via pictures. The thought that you took this sensitively is concerning--and that your kids are also reacting in the same manner.

Your sister may have been concerned for both of you--knowing your kids are out and about in school and other activities and knowing her adult children are out working and being exposed. It makes sense that your two groups would stay apart.