I need help, I'm so confused

[CC72197]

Questions: How do you think your husband would describe your current situation? Is he willingly participating in this trial separation and the counselling? Does he agree with your assessment of the imbalances in your relationship and agree something needs to change? Is HE happy with YOU or is he also ready to move on?

He is in full agreement with me about our marriage. One thing we do have is good communication. He feels terrible about all of this & has been in tears daily. He feels like he messed up big time. He says he's scared cause he doesn't know if he can agree to the things I'm asking for. He is on board to make it work & a willing participant in therapy. He says we have too much to just throw away. Of course he has issues with me. But I feel he has a lot of issues within himself. Low self esteem & at a crossroads with his career & priorities in life

 

[cabanafrau]

Please know I don't take any offense or think you are trying to be mean.
We didn't do the sweet 16 party cause DD changed her mind & we went on a Disney cruise instead.

Yes you are right I do live a well off lifestyle & believe me I know what I stand to loose financially. I'm really trying to look at everything from all angles.

I have a crazy family but one thing is certain. They would do anything for me & I know they would help me in any way I need. My sister got divorced (twice) and we all pulled together to help her. My father has money & wrote her a $50,000 check to help her get on her feet! I don't expect that but I do know if I need it, it's there. BUT I don't want to go from depending on my husband to depending on my father! I NEED to learn how to do things on my own.

And I just wanted to say that seeing my sisters divorce & my parents, neither were like you all are mentioning the financial side to be. I'm trying to be smart about things & have researched & talked to my sister. My husband would have to give me 25% of his paycheck. On top of that spousal support because I have never worked outside of the home. I am entitled to half of everything as well as his pension. Would I have to sell the house & go live in an apartment? Maybe & I would be ok with that.

Just as an example, my sisters exhusband makes less money than mine & they had 3 kids. With child support & spousal support she got about $2000 per month. She got herself a job & got half of their savings & equity when they sold their house. Add to that what my dad gave her & she's doing well.

My mother in her divorce pulled in $60,000 a year in child support & spousal support & my DH makes more money than my dad did.

Maybe I'm bring naive but I know I can find a job & do what I have to do for my kids. I just don't think it'll be as bad as you all are saying. Maybe I'm just telling myself that because I really don't want to use finances as an excuse to stay. That's not right for my DH nor for myself.

No idea what state you're in, but I highly doubt your "research" is anything more than anecdotal. I work with the court system here & highly doubt we're tremendously out of line with the rest of the country and what you're outlining isn't at all realistic. It's also been my experience that frequently some of the most shafted spouses you find come from the most affluent divorces -- it gets ugly, bitter & they can afford the top financial advisors & lawyers to obliterate their former spouse.

I'll go back to my previous advice that I know is accurate, seek therapy.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm going to say this as gently as possible, and please know that it is coming from someone who is walking a similar path...

You married fairly young and had children right away. What you're experiencing now isn't unusual, I don't think, for women who didn't have that "me" stage earlier in life and/or who have devoted all of their adult life to caring for their families. The kids don't need you as much and you're looking ahead to an empty nest and wondering "Is this it?", and that's only natural. But be very careful about letting your desire for change, freedom, adventure, happiness, whatever you want to call it, cloud your best judgment where your children, home, and family are concerned. Even a good marriage can look stifling and impossible when viewed through the wrong lens.

You say you and your husband work well as a team, and he's willing to go for counseling. I think in light of those two facts you should proceed cautiously with any legal steps to end the marriage and really give growing together a shot first. It is very possible that he's not entirely aware of how trapped you feel or how his harsh words hurt you. And I think it is likely you are unaware of some of his motivations - the book conference, for example. Is that him being controlling or is he panicked at the idea of juggling his work/school schedule while trying to take care of the kids, including your sick daughter, and just can't imagine how he'd manage without you there?

Without going into the gory details I'm in a similar place myself right now. I'm staring down the barrel of 35, back in school for something I can actually see myself doing and enjoying for a living, and realizing a lot of the patterns of the 16 years I've spent with my husband are going to have to change if I am going to succeed. And it is tempting to think, in the midst of the resentment and frustration of things being a certain way for so long that they seem carved in stone, that divorce is the best/only solution. But divorce is likely just trading one set of external pressures for another (from "can't follow my dreams because of a demanding/controlling, unsupportive husband" to "can't follow my dreams because I have to focus on paying rent and putting food on the table"), and is something I've decided to take off the table as long as DH is willing to work with me and try to change things so that we can continue to go forward together but with a better balance. He's trying, I'm trying, and we're communicating better so we're both willing to keep trying.

And it sounds trite but there's something to that old saw about "Be the change you want to see..." A close friend of mine gave me that advice and because I respect his personal and professional judgment so greatly I agreed to try it even though I rolled my eyes and thought it was bunk when he first suggested it, and it really has made a difference. You say you've taken on some of his bad qualities, but if you can pick things up from him it is possible that he'll pick things up from you as well - try quietly changing those things you don't like within yourself and see how he responds. At worst, you'll feel better about yourself and he'll be the same person that he is right now. And at best, seeing the "better" you might bring out answering changes in him. For DH & I it really helped because by picking up some of his habits (in our case, negativity and laziness) I was reinforcing some of his worse nature rather than balancing it out the way I did when our relationship was new.

 

[ronandannette]

Please know I don't take any offense or think you are trying to be mean.
We didn't do the sweet 16 party cause DD changed her mind & we went on a Disney cruise instead.

Yes you are right I do live a well off lifestyle & believe me I know what I stand to loose financially. I'm really trying to look at everything from all angles.

I have a crazy family but one thing is certain. They would do anything for me & I know they would help me in any way I need. My sister got divorced (twice) and we all pulled together to help her. My father has money & wrote her a $50,000 check to help her get on her feet! I don't expect that but I do know if I need it, it's there. BUT I don't want to go from depending on my husband to depending on my father! I NEED to learn how to do things on my own.

And I just wanted to say that seeing my sisters divorce & my parents, neither were like you all are mentioning the financial side to be. I'm trying to be smart about things & have researched & talked to my sister. My husband would have to give me 25% of his paycheck. On top of that spousal support because I have never worked outside of the home. I am entitled to half of everything as well as his pension. Would I have to sell the house & go live in an apartment? Maybe & I would be ok with that.

Just as an example, my sisters exhusband makes less money than mine & they had 3 kids. With child support & spousal support she got about $2000 per month. She got herself a job & got half of their savings & equity when they sold their house. Add to that what my dad gave her & she's doing well.

My mother in her divorce pulled in $60,000 a year in child support & spousal support & my DH makes more money than my dad did.

Maybe I'm bring naive but I know I can find a job & do what I have to do for my kids. I just don't think it'll be as bad as you all are saying. Maybe I'm just telling myself that because I really don't want to use finances as an excuse to stay. That's not right for my DH nor for myself.

Well, you are certainly correct that the situations of your family members are not the norm, as reflected by the comments you're received here. Many (maybe most) women "escaping" abusive marriages leave with nothing and spend years trying to collect anything they are entitled to, including child support. Your vision of how it will go presumes your future-ex will not resist a division of assets. There are MANY ways a vengeful spouse with a shrewd lawyer can make thing very difficult. If you don't expect yours will (especially since you have described him as materialistic and ambitious) that implies he is as ready to be done with the marriage as you are. Or that he actually DOES respect you and the contribution you've made over the years and is willing to be equitable for your future good. If that's the case it sort of changes the picture of a oppressive abuser that you've painted.

 

[gwynne]

He is in full agreement with me about our marriage. One thing we do have is good communication. He feels terrible about all of this & has been in tears daily. He feels like he messed up big time. He says he's scared cause he doesn't know if he can agree to the things I'm asking for. He is on board to make it work & a willing participant in therapy. He says we have too much to just throw away. Of course he has issues with me. But I feel he has a lot of issues within himself. Low self esteem & at a crossroads with his career & priorities in life

I would encourage you to really ponder your post. It sounds like your husband cares, and wants to work through this.
And about your last sentence-I think you both are struggling with low self esteem and being at a crossroads.
It might be that your good communication with one another could be very healing as you work toward some compromise, mutual respect, an enhanced partnership.
Change can happen, but the first step is being open to it. It sounds like he is.

 

[cdndisneymum]

Make sure you get your children therapeutic help as well, it was the first thing I did when my ex and I separated. My children were 4 and 6, (now 13 and 11) and very well adjusted; we are incredible co-parents and that is the most important factor for us.
The drive to provide for you and your children will be what sustains you, and it will all work out.
A year from now you will look back and celebrate how strong you truly are.
God Bless and I wish you (and your children) well.

 

[CC72197]

No idea what state you're in, but I highly doubt your "research" is anything more than anecdotal. I work with the court system here & highly doubt we're tremendously out of line with the rest of the country and what you're outlining isn't at all realistic. It's also been my experience that frequently some of the most shafted spouses you find come from the most affluent divorces -- it gets ugly, bitter & they can afford the top financial advisors & lawyers to obliterate their former spouse.

I'll go back to my previous advice that I know is accurate, seek therapy.

I'm in NY. I sat in the lawyers office with my mother & my sister during their divorces. I'm not talking about stuff I didn't see and hear first hand. I know it can get ugly.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm curious, I don't think you ever responded about what type of writing you do?

 

[CC72197]

I'm curious, I don't think you ever responded about what type of writing you do?

Erotic romance, different subgenres in that genre. Six books out now, all self published (I did get offers from 2 publishers in the genre but chose to self publish instead) I am doing really well with it, all 4 & 5 star reviews for my books. Sales are good too.

 

[Minnie824]

I would encourage you to really ponder your post. It sounds like your husband cares, and wants to work through this.

Or he could be trying to control her...knowing that if he plays the part she won't leave.

I don't think its a midlife crisis for OP..it sounds like you have changed and your priorities have changed. You need to put yourself and your kids first. Think about the 3 of you. Do you think you can 'hold on' til your youngest is an adult? If so, move towards your independence now. Do want you want. Don't ask permission, take care of your kids and tell your DH what your plans are. A marriage is about being equal. If he doesn't like your new attitude, what will he do? Divorce you? Leave? Those are options you are considering anyway. You need to focus and look at things in a new light. Good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, while your description of your husband's take on your marriage makes one want to feel empathy and have some hope....

I can tell you that, when it comes down to the core issues...
No matter how much somebody 'loves you' and doesn't want to lose what they have with you..... IT DOES NOT SOLVE THOSE ISSUES......

OP.... I know I am going to set many, many eyes rolling here.... I am going to just go ahead and say this... (flame suit is on)
But, with your past, from a dysfunctional family relationship where you had so much love, and such inseparable ties to a father who was an addict... It would almost be expected to find yourself in a situation with a man, a husband, who brought the very exact same emotional issues to the table. With YOU being the one who always, always, at all times, 24/7, having to be the one to 'give', 'excuse', 'justify', 'enable', etc... in order to try to maintain the relationship, and on some level, deep inside, try to right the wrongs and cure the hurt and heartache.

Just like with addiction... Whatever your husband's ongoing issues have been.
The addiction is ALWAYS stronger than the obligations and feelings for loved ones. Just the way it is.....

Also, OP, whether you have seen divorce within your family or not....
I am with the poster above who used the word 'obliterate'.
And the other poster who then made similar remarks.
Seriously.
Do NOT underestimate what could happen here.
Do NOT underestimate what a man (possibly a man like your husband) can do when he realizes that he is losing control, is being rejected, etc...
It could be WAY more than 'ugly'.
You used the phrase "I know what I am entitled to..."
The hard core truth to the matter... When it comes down to it. You are entitled to VERY VERY LITTLE.
And, what you might be entitled to will very likely NOT be what you walk away with.
Especially if YOU are the one doing the 'walking'.

 

[CC72197]

OP, while your description of your husband's take on your marriage makes one want to feel empathy and have some hope....

I can tell you that, when it comes down to the core issues...
No matter how much somebody 'loves you' and doesn't want to lose what they have with you..... IT DOES NOT SOLVE THOSE ISSUES......

OP.... I know I am going to set many, many eyes rolling here....
But, coming from a dysfunctional relationship where you had so much love, and such inseparable ties to a father who was an addict... It would almost be expected to find yourself in a situation with a man, a husband, who brought the very exact same emotional issues to the table. With YOU being the one who always, always, at all times, 24/7, having to be the one to 'give', 'excuse', 'justify', 'enable', etc... in order to try to maintain the relationship, and on some level, deep inside, try to right the wrongs and cure the hurt and heartache.

Just like with addiction...
The addiction is ALWAYS stronger than the obligations and feelings for loved ones. Just the way it is.....

Also, OP, whether you have seen divorce within your family or not....
I am with the poster above who used the word 'obliterate'.
And the other poster who then made similar remarks.
Seriously.
Do NOT underestimate what could happen here.
Do NOT underestimate what a man (possibly a man like your husband) can do when he realizes that he is losing control, is being rejected, etc...
It could be WAY more than 'ugly'.

This post just really hits home for me. I'm hysterical crying reading it. It's so true.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Or he could be trying to control her...knowing that if he plays the part she won't leave.

This...
Or also a very real possibility that, even though on his own level and his own terms, he does love and need her... But, he has such major issues that make any 'normal' love or relationship impossible for him. Which, will most likely not change....

 

[Wishing on a star]

This post just really hits home for me. I'm hysterical crying reading it. It's so true.

I am so sorry.....

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, while your description of your husband's take on your marriage makes one want to feel empathy and have some hope....

I can tell you that, when it comes down to the core issues...
No matter how much somebody 'loves you' and doesn't want to lose what they have with you..... IT DOES NOT SOLVE THOSE ISSUES......

OP.... I know I am going to set many, many eyes rolling here.... I am going to just go ahead and say this... (flame suit is on)
But, with your past, from a dysfunctional family relationship where you had so much love, and such inseparable ties to a father who was an addict... It would almost be expected to find yourself in a situation with a man, a husband, who brought the very exact same emotional issues to the table. With YOU being the one who always, always, at all times, 24/7, having to be the one to 'give', 'excuse', 'justify', 'enable', etc... in order to try to maintain the relationship, and on some level, deep inside, try to right the wrongs and cure the hurt and heartache.

Just like with addiction... Whatever your husband's ongoing issues have been.
The addiction is ALWAYS stronger than the obligations and feelings for loved ones. Just the way it is.....

Also, OP, whether you have seen divorce within your family or not....
I am with the poster above who used the word 'obliterate'.
And the other poster who then made similar remarks.
Seriously.
Do NOT underestimate what could happen here.
Do NOT underestimate what a man (possibly a man like your husband) can do when he realizes that he is losing control, is being rejected, etc...
It could be WAY more than 'ugly'.
You used the phrase "I know what I am entitled to..."
The hard core truth to the matter... When it comes down to it. You are entitled to VERY VERY LITTLE.
And, what you might be entitled to will very likely NOT be what you walk away with.
Especially if YOU are the one doing the 'walking'.

I'm "the poster who used the word obliterate". I was distinctly told OP knew her situation to be different.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, if you decide to divorce your dh (and I am in no way saying you should or you shouldn't), do NOT go into it assuming anything about child support, spousal support, pensions, etc.

You have to begin the process assuming that all of your support and your kid's support will come from you. If you get child and spousal support, great. If you get a settlement, great. But do not count on it as a way to live.

A lawyer can ask for anything, that doesn't mean you will get it. Find out the laws in your state concerning child and spousal support. Google it. And know that he may get a better lawyer than your sister or your mother's ex. Or you can get a different judge that gives you the lowest possible amount where their judge awarded the highest.

Go in with an idea of what you may be awarded but do not go in on the assumption of anything.

Only you can decide if you want a divorce and be the sole provider for you and your kids.

 

[JanaDee]

I think you need to get off the Dis, which tends to lean to the man-hating side sometimes and will tell you exactly what you want to hear and will reinforce the idea you have about your husband being an awful, manipulative, controlling jerk.

Talk to your therapist and be honest with yourself about your part in where your marriage is today.

 

[NewRVLady]

Please know I don't take any offense or think you are trying to be mean.
We didn't do the sweet 16 party cause DD changed her mind & we went on a Disney cruise instead.

Yes you are right I do live a well off lifestyle & believe me I know what I stand to loose financially. I'm really trying to look at everything from all angles.

I have a crazy family but one thing is certain. They would do anything for me & I know they would help me in any way I need. My sister got divorced (twice) and we all pulled together to help her. My father has money & wrote her a $50,000 check to help her get on her feet! I don't expect that but I do know if I need it, it's there. BUT I don't want to go from depending on my husband to depending on my father! I NEED to learn how to do things on my own.

And I just wanted to say that seeing my sisters divorce & my parents, neither were like you all are mentioning the financial side to be. I'm trying to be smart about things & have researched & talked to my sister. My husband would have to give me 25% of his paycheck. On top of that spousal support because I have never worked outside of the home. I am entitled to half of everything as well as his pension. Would I have to sell the house & go live in an apartment? Maybe & I would be ok with that.

Just as an example, my sisters exhusband makes less money than mine & they had 3 kids. With child support & spousal support she got about $2000 per month. She got herself a job & got half of their savings & equity when they sold their house. Add to that what my dad gave her & she's doing well.

My mother in her divorce pulled in $60,000 a year in child support & spousal support & my DH makes more money than my dad did.

Maybe I'm bring naive but I know I can find a job & do what I have to do for my kids. I just don't think it'll be as bad as you all are saying. Maybe I'm just telling myself that because I really don't want to use finances as an excuse to stay. That's not right for my DH nor for myself.

I am confused - if this is an alias how did that quoted poster know about previous thread about birthday plans?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am confused - if this is an alias how did that quoted poster know about previous thread about birthday plans?

At one point she accidentally posted under her regular user name--then deleted it. I had seen the post and looked up the user name to get a feel for her history, since I thought it might make a difference in how I felt about her posts (like if there had been several prior threads about feeling her DH was not allowing her to make decisions, etc)

 

[CC72197]

I am confused - if this is an alias how did that quoted poster know about previous thread about birthday plans?

Someone here earlier in the thread found out who I was (not sure how) and wrote my name in their reply. It happened more than once.

Then silly me, I replied using my user name then deleted it immediately, but people saw.

Once my name was written by the poster though, anyone could and I'm sure did look my name up and read my past posts.