I need help, I'm so confused

[goofyintoronto]

This person is posting under a different DIS name for privacy reasons. It seems some of you have figured out her actual posting name, but perhaps we shouldn't type it out? If she'd wanted us to know her normal posting name, she'd have shared herself.

Funny, her real dis name was exposed but I dont even know who desnik is? Doesnt really ring a bell to me at all. Then again i've never been good with names.

 

[okeydokey]

I think you need to be realistic about what these changes may mean. Your kids are a teen and pre-teen? Child support will only last so long and you have hopes that your writing career may pay a car payment. What about mortgage or rent, food, etc. The writing will be great on the side, but if you are going to forge a life on your own you need to get a an actual job. It sounds like you are seeking some independence so you need to figure out how to live that way. Counseling is a great step for both of you.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't know what she said in her OP and that he is controlling and she has been disrespected to me means there is much more going on. Maybe she is going through a mid life crisis but to me that is more a symptom of her unhappy marriage not the reason she is unhappy in it.

It's very hard to know the reality of what is going on with the OP based on a few posts. I just hope whatever the reason she is able to get to a place where she is happy and things work out for the best for her.

I do believe there is "more" going on, but it's not an "either or" situation. It's a combination of both, and maybe more still.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I do believe there is "more" going on, but it's not an "either or" situation. It's a combination of both, and maybe more still.

Well that sums it up.

 

[LisaR]

chicagodisneyfan

Why would you go and purposely call her out on not one, but two different posts? When replying to every thread you post on, do you always include the users name? I'm guessing you have some type of past with this person. Totally unnecessary and seems pretty calculated.

 

[CC72197]

I'm going to try and address all the things everyone is bringing up.

When DH & I first met we had a really tomulutous relationship with all kinds of abuse. We worked through it and both changed for the better. But there were alwasy those underlying things in out marriage. Behaviors that didn't really change. Like the disrespect and control.

Yes as a SAHM I had my role in the relationship. But, when a woman has to ask for permission, or not even ask at all out of fear to go places without her spouse is an issue. Now I was ok with this when our kids were little because I really didn't want to be anywhere but with him & our kids.

Now things are different. Our kids are older. I have a passion for something and for the first time in my life went after something and accomplished a goal all on my own. It was liberating. I am getting older and there are things I just don't want to agree to anymore. For example, there is a book convention coming up. I can't go cause he simply will not let me go without him. I want to go alone because this is "my thing" I want something that's just mine. He has work, school, friends, etc... I never had those things. I've supported him chase his dreams but I know (and he admitted he's having a really hard time) he can't do the same for me.

That's just one example.

As for the finances. I know I'm going to have to depend on him & family temporarily but I have thought of things I can do. Like maybe a realtor. (we use to flip houses & sold a few of them ourselves) I would enjoy that, again I don't know how much money I could make.

I don't know if I'm going through a midlife crisis. But I do know my age is playing a part in this. I feel like life is so short, do I really want to live like this forever?

On top of it all we have a daugter with a disability and I have a father & sister who are addicts & spiraling out of control. Those things are on my shoulders too.

Our feelings about not telling the kids are exactly like goofyintoronto stated.

I gave details, but that doesn't mean I want my real user name written out. I just wanted some privacy.

What do I want out of this? I want to be an equal. I want to be able to go places without permission. I want to be supported in my writing and I want respect. I want to have my feelings and dreams put first for once. I want a partner in raising our kids & dealing with my daughters illness. I want someone who won't curse me out & tell me I'm stupid. I want to be with a man because I choose to, not because I feel I have no other choice.

 

[cabanafrau]

Since the thread wound up there anyway without my doing, the midlife crisis was one of my original thoughts reading this through the first time. When the OP came back with the controlling husband response I was really lost in the weeds because the sketch she's outlined is not the profile of a controlling spouse and the way they react to a separation.

OP said it in her title, Confused. Yep, I think OP is confused. The marriage may have problems, but frankly I'm not confident the OP understands what those problems actually are at the moment. Counseling, individual and joint, is a very good idea to help sort things through. I also recommend OP possibly getting a check w/ her doc & explore w/ both MD & counselor the possibility of depression. OP, be very conscious about your health and exercise level at the moment also.

OP no one here can offer much insight into your situation at the moment and you shouldn't make any life or marital decisions based on the advice offered here, as accurate and truthful as any of it may actually be. Work with your therapist, be honest with yourself, rely on the people in your life who know and love you and have your very best interests at heart and make your decisions from that basis. Once again, very good luck to you.

 

[LSmith]

chicagodisneyfan

Why would you go purposely call her out on not one, but two different posts? When replying to every thread you post on, do you always include the users name? I'm guessing you have some type of past with this person. Totally unnecessary and seems pretty calculated.

I agree.

I guess some people need to show their superior detective skills.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Well that sums it up.

Okay, straight to it.

1. It is clear to me OP is in fact neck deep in a mid-life crisis.
2. Said crisis is NOT the only source of her marital woes. But, it is one factor.

 

[CC72197]

I don't know if this is important to add but, DH works sometimes 80 hours a week, sometimes weekends & he has always gone to school. He just isn't present. So everything else falls on me.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'm going to try and address all the things everyone is bringing up.

When DH & I first met we had a really tomulutous relationship with all kinds of abuse. We worked through it and both changed for the better. But there were alwasy those underlying things in out marriage. Behaviors that didn't really change. Like the disrespect and control.

Yes as a SAHM I had my role in the relationship. But, when a woman has to ask for permission, or not even ask at all out of fear to go places without her spouse is an issue. Now I was ok with this when our kids were little because I really didn't want to be anywhere but with him & our kids.

Now things are different. Our kids are older. I have a passion for something and for the first time in my life went after something and accomplished a goal all on my own. It was liberating. I am getting older and there are things I just don't want to agree to anymore. For example, there is a book convention coming up. I can't go cause he simply will not let me go without him. I want to go alone because this is "my thing" I want something that's just mine. He has work, school, friends, etc... I never had those things. I've supported him chase his dreams but I know (and he admitted he's having a really hard time) he can't do the same for me.

That's just one example.

As for the finances. I know I'm going to have to depend on him & family temporarily but I have thought of things I can do. Like maybe a realtor. (we use to flip houses & sold a few of them ourselves) I would enjoy that, again I don't know how much money I could make.

I don't know if I'm going through a midlife crisis. But I do know my age is playing a part in this. I feel like life is so short, do I really want to live like this forever?

On top of it all we have a daugter with a disability and I have a father & sister who are addicts & spiraling out of control. Those things are on my shoulders too.

Our feelings about not telling the kids are exactly like goofyintoronto stated.

I gave details, but that doesn't mean I want my real user name written out. I just wanted some privacy.

What do I want out of this? I want to be an equal. I want to be able to go places without permission. I want to be supported in my writing and I want respect. I want to have my feelings and dreams put first for once. I want a partner in raising our kids & dealing with my daughters illness. I want someone who won't curse me out & tell me I'm stupid. I want to be with a man because I choose to, not because I feel I have no other choice.

Most men who are naturally controlling from the get-go have a hard time "letting go" of that control. Its hard for them to change, I wont say impossible, but it is hard. I struggled with this with my ex. And im the type who simply CANNOT AND WILL NOT be controlled. We butted heads quite a bit!

As far as getting into realestate....my ex is a realtor. Its not an easy business to get into. You have to put a lot of $$$ into advertising, amongst other things. Many people dont see a lot of income in their first year. Being a single parent with a job that is solely based on commission isnt easy. But good luck to you either way, if this is the route youre taking.

 

[CC72197]

I'll add this too. I don't like who I've become since I've been with him. I've taken on some of his bad qualities like being judgemental and materialistic. I know who I am in my heart and it's not the person I've become since being with him.

 

[JanaDee]

Okay, straight to it.

1. It is clear to me OP is in fact neck deep in a mid-life crisis.
2. Said crisis is NOT the only source of her marital woes. But, it is one factor.

 

[Skatermom23]

I don't know if this is important to add but, DH works sometimes 80 hours a week, sometimes weekends & he has always gone to school. He just isn't present. So everything else falls on me.

From one SAHM to another....the "everything else" is your job! My dh works just as much and has furthered his education and yes, it stinks at times that he seems to have a life apart from the home and mine is centered on our family. That's something you have to come to terms with. Your DH does need to respect you and hopefully joint counseling is the solution. His willingness to move out does not seem controlling as you suggest. I don't think divorce is going to give you the result you are searching for. I hope you can make it work with your DH.

 

[moon]

I agree.

I guess some people need to show their superior detective skills.

Right.

The OP is really hurting and quite stressed. Why add to her stress by outing her?

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't know if this is important to add but, DH works sometimes 80 hours a week, sometimes weekends & he has always gone to school. He just isn't present. So everything else falls on me.

OP, you have an awful lot to work through right now. You're obviously not in a very good place and to me that says you aren't ready to be making major decisions right now. I don't say this to be unkind, merely to point out that this comment, along with several others in this thread tell me you're miserably unhappy, feel yourself a victim, have come upon a dream that you want to pursue and have decided you're finally ready to take action.

Everybody needs help sometime. That being said, you don't move from a situation where you feel controlled, unimportant, unappreciated, etc., and make your move based on planning that doesn't include you being able to control your own destiny in rather short order. You will not be able to do that based on relying on spousal/child support, assistance from your family and banking on your dream writing career. That doesn't suggest you cannot achieve your dream career, but rational thinking suggests you pursue that as an adjunct to a concrete, reliable job that you know will pay the bills. This advice holds even if you decide to remain in your marriage. If you want to control your destiny, you have to take the steps to do just that in a real way, not in a way that exchanges one controlling, unstable, unhappy situation for another. Your marriage may not appear so bleak and confining if you establish your own independence within it.

 

[JanaDee]

I'll add this too. I don't like who I've become since I've been with him. I've taken on some of his bad qualities like being judgemental and materialistic. I know who I am in my heart and it's not the person I've become since being with him.

Sounds like you're blaming him for your actions.

 

[JanaDee]

I don't know if this is important to add but, DH works sometimes 80 hours a week, sometimes weekends & he has always gone to school. He just isn't present. So everything else falls on me.

My DH is in grad school and works long hours and yes, oftentimes, everything else does fall on me. That is my part in this partnership right now and it does sometimes make me resentful and irritated. DH knows it, but he appreciates and recognizes the job I do running our home. Until he is done with school, that is how it will be.

 

[CC72197]

OP, you have an awful lot to work through right now. You're obviously not in a very good place and to me that says you aren't ready to be making major decisions right now. I don't say this to be unkind, merely to point out that this comment, along with several others in this thread tell me you're miserably unhappy, feel yourself a victim, have come upon a dream that you want to pursue and have decided you're finally ready to take action.

Everybody needs help sometime. That being said, you don't move from a situation where you feel controlled, unimportant, unappreciated, etc., and make your move based on planning that doesn't include you being able to control your own destiny in rather short order. You will not be able to do that based on relying on spousal/child support, assistance from your family and banking on your dream writing career. That doesn't suggest you cannot achieve your dream career, but rational thinking suggests you pursue that as an adjunct to a concrete, reliable job that you know will pay the bills. This advice holds even if you decide to remain in your marriage. If you want to control your destiny, you have to take the steps to do just that in a real way, not in a way that exchanges one controlling, unstable, unhappy situation for another. Your marriage may not appear so bleak and confining if you establish your own independence within it.

Thank you so much this is really great advice.

Sounds like you're blaming him for your actions.

I am not blaming him. I'm angry at myself for sacrificing so much and changing who I really am for someone else. I certainly have self esteem issues.


Someone mentioned depression, I've been there. I don't *think that's playing a part here. But I'm in therapy to figure it all out.

I really don't think the grass is going to be greener on the otherside. I'm fully aware of the tough road ahead. I'm not saying I am headed for divorce, I really don't know where we will end up. But, I do know that we need to seperate for now, go to therapy alone & together & decide what we both want. If I'm unhappy in our marriage I know he has to be as well.

 

[CC72197]

My DH is in grad school and works long hours and yes, oftentimes, everything else does fall on me. That is my part in this partnership right now and it does sometimes make me resentful and irritated. DH knows it, but he appreciates and recognizes the job I do running our home. Until he is done with school, that is how it will be.

Has he been doing it for 17 years? Cause that's how long my husband has been going to school. He loves school, has hundreds of credits, degrees and is getting his MBA next month. The thing is, when he's overworked he takes out his frustrations on me. That is not ok with me. We've been over it many times before through the years, it's just something that has never changed.

Add tothat a child with major health issues as well as my own health issues and sometimes it's just too much for me to handle. I need help and he isn't there.

We recently had to go out of state for treatment for our child. As we sat with the specialists and they asked all their questions, DH couldn't answer one of them. I left there & felt so alone in this fight we have to get our daughter to a healthy place.