I need help, I'm so confused

[JanaDee]

Has he been doing it for 17 years? Cause that's how long my husband has been going to school. He loves school, has hundreds of credits, degrees and is getting his MBA next month. The thing is, when he's overworked he takes out his frustrations on me. That is not ok with me. We've been over it many times before through the years, it's just something that has never changed.

Add tothat a child with major health issues as well as my own health issues and sometimes it's just too much for me to handle. I need help and he isn't there.

We recently had to go out of state for treatment for our child. As we sat with the specialists and they asked all their questions, DH couldn't answer one of them. I left there & felt so alone in this fight we have to get our daughter to a healthy place.

No, DH hasn't been in school for 17 years.

 

[NewRVLady]

OP-my DH knows owner of top real estate co here in our booming area. I seriously considered becoming a realtor ....he told DH it's a sort of hobby career for women who have a husband with income.
Granted there are:many established realtors out there, but it's hard in beginning


I do feel your pain about attending the book seminar. I have skipped things related to my hobby because I really didn't want to go out I grown without DH- and he is not into my hobby

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't know if this is important to add but, DH works sometimes 80 hours a week, sometimes weekends & he has always gone to school. He just isn't present. So everything else falls on me.

Sometimes the pressure of providing financially for a family can be a real burden on a man. Yes, it puts you in "mom 24/7" mode which can be terribly difficult. But, if he didn't work those kinds of hours, where would you be financially? I sounds like you're both stretched to the limit.

Now, that doesn't excuse his poor treatment of you, but it sounds like there's plenty of that on both sides. What about your convention? DH is not used to you doing anything "for you". He wants you to go, but you're having a fit because you don't want to go together. Is that really fair? You even going is a big step for him. All or nothing isn't healthy. Let him grow a little. This man has had a firm grip on the reins for years, and that's wrong. But, you permitted it. Now, you expect him to just let go. It's too much, too soon. You both need to try the relaxed grip first. Baby steps.

 

[Mortlives]

Perhaps the first step might be to go to your book event, by yourself. This is a test for both of you. Can you stand your ground? Can he respect that you are also entitled to get away?

How was he planning on handling child care if he was going to come with you? Was he expecting you to look after the kids whilst attending your event? It sounds like it is long past time for you to have a break.

 

[brockash]

Sounds like you're blaming him for your actions.

Really? I think the Op seemed very level headed and very fair as to the situation in her first post. She used words like "we" & "us"...it didn't seem like she was trying to just blame him. She gave more details as they were requested. Someone can and usually is absolutely disgusted and disappointed in themselves for allowing others to treat them certain ways, but that certainly doesn't mean they should just accept that kind of treatment or that the other person isn't wrong for treating them that way.

OP it doesn't sound like to me that you're simply going through a midlife crisis as others have said, it sounds like you've been unhappy for a long time and I'm guessing this is something that you've thought about for a long time. Good luck to you and as you seem to already realize, you're going through a tough road, but it will get better. Stay talking with your therapist as it seems there are a multitude of issues and you want to learn how to not fall into the same pattern.

 

[Laura66]

From one SAHM to another....the "everything else" is your job! My dh works just as much and has furthered his education and yes, it stinks at times that he seems to have a life apart from the home and mine is centered on our family. That's something you have to come to terms with. Your DH does need to respect you and hopefully joint counseling is the solution. His willingness to move out does not seem controlling as you suggest. I don't think divorce is going to give you the result you are searching for. I hope you can make it work with your DH.

Same here. Now granted we are both very happy - but sometimes day to day stuff gets in the way. Plus - maybe he felt like he was doing his job being tge provider. If he's been in "charge" all of these years you let him. Maybe he feels like that's what you wanted or he had to be. Now you get out of the house and make a little money and some new friends and it seems like the grass is greener.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Is it possible he works so much and stays in school to avoid being home and dealing with the daily stresses of having a family, including the added stress of a sick child? Could be something to explore at therapy.

 

[LisaR]

From one SAHM to another....the "everything else" is your job! My dh works just as much and has furthered his education and yes, it stinks at times that he seems to have a life apart from the home and mine is centered on our family. That's something you have to come to terms with. Your DH does need to respect you and hopefully joint counseling is the solution. His willingness to move out does not seem controlling as you suggest. I don't think divorce is going to give you the result you are searching for. I hope you can make it work with your DH.

As a SAHM, I disagree with the bold. DH and I had an agreement that I would be a SAHM for as long as I wanted. If I decided I wanted another career, he would support me in my decision just as I would support him if he wanted to change careers or go back to school. It sounds like the OP'er would like to expand her horizons and her husband doesn't support that decision. Being a SAHM isn't a mandatory, lifetime career that one must stick to anymore than any other job out there. So, really, she doesn't have to come to terms with it. Instead, her husband needs to come to terms with her having other interests outside the home.

My DH is in grad school and works long hours and yes, oftentimes, everything else does fall on me. That is my part in this partnership right now and it does sometimes make me resentful and irritated. DH knows it, but he appreciates and recognizes the job I do running our home. Until he is done with school, that is how it will be.

I'm going to venture a guess that the bold is what is missing from the OP'er relationship (among other things).

 

[brockash]

OP-my DH knows owner of top real estate co here in our booming area. I seriously considered becoming a realtor ....he told DH it's a sort of hobby career for women who have a husband with income.
Granted there are:many established realtors out there, but it's hard in beginning

I do feel your pain about attending the book seminar. I have skipped things related to my hobby because I really didn't want to go out I grown without DH- and he is not into my hobby

But there's a HUGE difference. You chose not to go to something because you didn't want to go without your DH. The OP wants to go, but her DH has a problem with her going at all. The OP isn't getting a choice; you do...that's a world of difference.

 

[pryncess527]

I don't know if this is important to add but, DH works sometimes 80 hours a week, sometimes weekends & he has always gone to school. He just isn't present. So everything else falls on me.

Is this part of why you can't go to the book event? What would happen if you just told him, "I'm going, these are the dates, here is my hotel info"
Would he pitch a fit and try to forbid you from going? Would he lay a guilt trip on you about all the household stuff that doesn't get done when you are gone? Do you lack the access to finances to book the hotel yourself without asking permission first?

 

[cabanafrau]

Thank you so much this is really great advice.



I am not blaming him. I'm angry at myself for sacrificing so much and changing who I really am for someone else. I certainly have self esteem issues.


Someone mentioned depression, I've been there. I don't *think that's playing a part here. But I'm in therapy to figure it all out.

I really don't think the grass is going to be greener on the otherside. I'm fully aware of the tough road ahead. I'm not saying I am headed for divorce, I really don't know where we will end up. But, I do know that we need to seperate for now, go to therapy alone & together & decide what we both want. If I'm unhappy in our marriage I know he has to be as well.

I'm concerned you mention having been depressed before, yet pretty firmly dismissing it now. Not for answer here simply your own thought process, you mention a father & sister as addicts spiralling out of control, are they possibly self medicating? Depression & other mental issues are dangerous buggers. I really urge you to explore this with both your counselor & your medical doc. I don't need you to answer me, simply something for you to consider privately.

 

[JanaDee]

Really? I think the Op seemed very level headed and very fair as to the situation in her first post. She used words like "we" & "us"...it didn't seem like she was trying to just blame him. She gave more details as they were requested. Someone can and usually is absolutely disgusted and disappointed in themselves for allowing others to treat them certain ways, but that certainly doesn't mean they should just accept that kind of treatment or that the other person isn't wrong for treating them that way.

Yes, really. I am referring to a subsequent post, not the OP.

 

[JanaDee]

I'm going to venture a guess that the bold is what is missing from the OP'er relationship (among other things).

Yes, and I acknowledge that, as well as not having sick children to deal with.

 

[Andtototoo]

I think what time apart and counseling may do is help you determine if you want the marriage to be saved and to give yourself the strength to do whatever needs to be done to put yourself in a happier and healthier place.

As an example, what I've seen over the years when a marriage goes down a path to disrespect is that it's possible to get back on the right path if both partners are of good character in their hearts. If a partner is, at heart, selfish and self-absorbed, that's never going to really change. They may put a mask on and pretend for a while to get over the crisis, but in the end, their true face will be seen and you've just wasted time and energy delaying the inevitable. Plus you've taught them that they can fool you into staying and doing the heavy lifting, so guess what they'll do again?

I'd also urge you to consider what kind of example you are setting for your children. They know and see more than you think and they are learning more than you know.

 

[DWGal210]

Right.

The OP is really hurting and quite stressed. Why add to her stress by outing her?

Because some people (anonymous, trolling internet people) like to pee in other people's Cheerios, and kick them when they're down, for yucks and giggles. It's sick. This all reminds me why I took a break from the Community Board, and the DIS in general. Perhaps it's time to take another break.

Honestly, if you (general you) are going to be this snarky to a total stranger, put your name on it and own it. Don't hide behind an anonymous message board name. This crap makes me sick.

OP, I don't have any advice but Take care of yourself.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

As a SAHM, I disagree with the bold. DH and I had an agreement that I would be a SAHM for as long as I wanted. If I decided I wanted another career, he would support me in my decision just as I would support him if he wanted to change careers or go back to school. It sounds like the OP'er would like to expand her horizons and her husband doesn't support that decision. Being a SAHM isn't a mandatory, lifetime career that one must stick to anymore than any other job out there. So, really, she doesn't have to come to terms with it. Instead, her husband needs to come to terms with her having other interests outside the home.



I'm going to venture a guess that the bold is what is missing from the OP'er relationship (among other things).

Fair, BUT you can't just throw the car in reverse when it's going 80 MPH. Changing directions takes more finesse if you want to do it successfully. The adjustment in your life from SAHM to career will require a major adjustment on his part as well. That isn't an overnight thing.

 

[Skatermom23]

Fair, BUT you can't just throw the car in reverse when it's going 80 MPH. Changing directions takes more finesse if you want to do it successfully. The adjustment in your life from SAHM to career will require a major adjustment on his part as well. That isn't an overnight thing.

Thank you for stating this. I was trying to find the words and you did it for me.
Major changes take time and we can't always have immediate gratification. You can keep the lines of communication open though and start talking about how things could change and would work for both of you and the kids.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My gut feeling based on your posts thus far, is also that there is a lot of mid life crisis type stuff mixed into all of this--and that in spite of your feelings to the contrary, sou ARE being unrealistic about how hard it will be to be on your own.

You need a plan to be bale to not need other people for support (other than a normal amount of child support) within, say, one year--and you do not seem to have anything like that.

You really will be 100% on the hook for care for your DD, housekeeping, cleaning, etc--even more than now most likely, and you will be doing it after a long day of work and on little income so no extra money to jut eat out if you are too tired, etc.


A few thoughts about the convention (and I am not saying it is okay for you to need to ask permission to go places):

1. is it a multi day event that requires a hotel, etc? If so, is it typical for your DH to spend money like that for just himself and there is a double standard? Or, is money for hotels, etc generally always used just for the family so it feels like you are taking away from together time in order to pay for this? Maybe it is more an issue of looking at the spending and how to make it fit the budget and fit still allowing time for the both of you (or all of you) to get away-

or

2. could it be that your DH is feeling afraid or unable to care for your daughter for a longer time on his own? Yes, he should already be comfortable with this--but if he is not, perhaps talking about it and then helping him learn so that by the time the conference gets here he is not worried is a better approach than just throwing this out there and leaving him to cope with it on his own


Of course, both of those could be totally off base--but I think there are many reasons that your DH may be opposed to you going to the conference which do not boil down to simply being controlling and not wanting you to have fun, and it would be worthwhile to think about other possibilities and then try to resolve those issues.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

IMO in some ways it's changing the rules in the middle of the game. Not that I don't support the OP in doing what she wants to do; I do. But it's a little unfair, I think, to expect complete and immediate change when one person in the relationship varies the course. Give him some time to readjust. Maybe he won't, but maybe he will. And I agree that leaving cold turkey without any way to really support yourself seems like an (I'm sorry) immature decision. Like something a teenager would do. Surely you know you have to have a steady and reliable income of your own in order to make leaving work. And I was also going to say to be careful, your DD is taking notes here. Sure, be a strong woman. But be a strong, SMART woman. Flying by the seat of your pants isn't something your DD will really benefit from; in fact, it may just cause more confusion and resentment for your kids since their lives will change dramatically along with yours. Not trying to be mean, OP, just calling it like I see it from what you've posted.

 

[LisaR]

Fair, BUT you can't just throw the car in reverse when it's going 80 MPH. Changing directions takes more finesse if you want to do it successfully. The adjustment in your life from SAHM to career will require a major adjustment on his part as well. That isn't an overnight thing.

You're making the assumption that this was an overnight change. She didn't say that. Didn't she say she has been writing for two years now? How much more time does he need to adjust? Will he need two more years before he allows her to go to a convention by herself? I can put up with a lot, but I wouldn't last five minutes with someone who was controlling (spouse, friend, relative, doesn't matter).