I need advice on my 13 yr. old DD (long post)

[ivanova]

Okay, first off I'll admit that I haven't read any of the replies past the first page ... so I might be saying something here that's already been said.

I am a mother of a 13 year old DD as well. I can fully empathize with your situation.

As hard as it is to say & do, I do not agree with reading her journal unless you have "just cause" (i.e. you feel she is suicidal).

Obviously you cannot undo that you read the journal. But I think you need to sit down with her, after everyone has calmed down a bit, and discuss several matters. Discuss that reading her journal was accidental and that you were not purposely snooping. Explain that you WOULD do it again if you were concerned about her safety (i.e. worried she might hurt or kill herself). But in return for not reading her journal again under normal circumstances, you need her to be more forthcoming with information.

Maybe she did or didn't know the boys would be there (I'm guessing she might have known, since one of them was her "school boyfriend"). We tell our DD that the one thing we will NEVER tolerate is lying. She knows we might not like what she has to tell us, but life would be a lot worse if we find out later she lied (and it's amazing how parents find out stuff ).

Our daugher knows that dating doesn't start until she's 16 years old (DH is been drumming that into her head since the day she was born!!). If we were in this situation that you faced, this would be where we'd sit her down and say "see, this is why dating isn't until you are 16. You made the right decision saying 'no' but we don't think you should be in this kind of situation at this age in the first place."

IMHO, I'd back off on some of the punishments (i.e. reinstate computer privileges), and keep some others (no phone calls to or from boys), and explain why.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by Pin Wizard
LOL! I find this interesting. Did what applied for your brother also apply to your sister? I think parents let the boys get away with more than the girls. I grew up the youngest out of 3 girls. I could never do anything because they messed up when it was their turn! Talk about being ticked off at siblings! LOL! And I'm letting loose in my 40s!

Yes it applied to my Sister also. Now that I am older the things that I was jealous/mad about seem silly, but at the time they were huge! Actually, It was more with my Sister than my Brother since we were both girls. And by the time my Brother was in High School I was pretty much not around. I just know from what they have told me and my parents reactions to things like my Brother sneaking out of the house, that he got away with a lot. PLus he was the "baby" and I think by then they were tired from dealing with 2 moody teenage girls.

I can give you an example of my Sister and I. I asked my Mom to go to the movie with a girlfriend and 2 boys from our class were going to meet us there. I was totally up front about it. I was 13 at the time. My Mom said no. Fast forward to my Sister age 12 asking if she can do the same thing Mom says Sure, not a big deal! I even confronted her with the fact that she told me no. Sister still got to go.

Now of course it seems silly, but I held some deep resentments toward my Mom and Sister for a long time.

 

[jipsy]

I know it's not right to read her journal but I'll bet I'm not the only mom who would.

Ok so you know it's not right to read her journal but you did it anyway without telling her you were going to read it until after you had done so.

According to you, she knew it wasn't right to sleep over at someone's house and have her "boy" friend there, but she did it anyway without telling you.

Pot - meet kettle.

I agree with whoever said there seems to be part of a picture missing here. You and your husband seem to be way over-reacting to this situation. I agree with everyone else - your daughter told him no, you should be praising her for that. If you are going to punish her, I guess it should be for sleeping over somewhere that her boyfriend was without telling you, but see my first three paragraphs.

As far as banning boys from calling her, etc. that IMHO is going WAY overboard.

What is it that you and your husband are afraid of? That she will have sex? Guess what - one day she will. And there's nothing you can do to stop that, she can have sex anywhere and banning boys from calling and telling her she can't sleep over at friend's houses is not going to prevent that. The better course of action would be to EDUCATE her on sex and teach her to make better choices in that department.

*steps off soapbox now*

 

[floridafam]

You're mad because she said no?

What is she being punished for? What kind of message are you sending when you punish someone for doing the right thing?

 

[Dopey Sharon]

If this is making you go nuts...just wait! You have a lot of years ahead! My DD is almost 23, and believe me, what you posted is nothing compared to what I have overheard on the phone and read in letters left lying around. You will read and hear things you wish you never heard or read, but you can't lose it every time this happens, or you will lose your daughter. I'm sure, if given the opportunity, you will read her journal or letters again. You have to keep a level head and calmly try to talk to her about whatever it is, without letting her know you know. Believe me, I've had quite a few conversations with my daughter that I would rather not have had, but I kept the lines of communication open and she turned out pretty good. Good luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

Since this is your first foray into "Parenting A Teenager 101" , it's understandable that maybe this incident is a little out of proportion.

You have several different issues here:
1. You need to find out if your DD knew the boys would be sleeping over and "conveniently withheld" that info from you. If so, then a talk about what expectations you have for sleepovers is in order. If she did not know that the boys would be sleeping over until she got there, then you can rest assured that no 13 year old girl is going to want to look like a geek by saying "I have to call my MOM, cuz I can't stay here if there's boys here", especially if one of the boys is the current "light of her life"
.
2. You need to tell her that you feel badly about reading her journal, and you won't do it again unless you think she is in grave danger(and not kissing a boy at the age of 13 is NOT considered "grave danger" Mom )
3. Don't ban her from sleepovers. It's really your responsibility to find out what's going to be happening at the home where she'll be sleeping. If her friends have opposite sex siblings, then it very well may be that the girls and the boys will have friends sleeping over on the same night. If that really throws you, you'll have to make up a hard, fast rule about it. But romance type behavior with the opoosite sex is NORMAL for 13 year olds, so if she doesn't get to do things with her friends because there "may" be a boy there, she'll only sneak around and do it(and be careful not to get caught!)
4. You need to tell her that you are proud of her for not kissing the boy if she didn't feel comfortable doing so. At the age of 13, that's a HUGE statement of self-esteem...the fact that she didn't succumb to peer pressure. Compliment her for it.
5. You need to calm down. The teen years are long and hard, and if you are panicking over this, what are you going to do when something really big happens???? Your child has to know that you are in control. Her mother crying for 3 days because she didn't kiss a boy at a sleepover is not going to give her that idea.
6. You need to figure out what it was about this situation that caused such a huge over-reaction on the part of you and your DH. Is it just not being able to deal with your "little girl" growing up, or the fact that you think she lied or what?
7. I don't think I'd call the other girl's parents. Again, if they have both makle and female children, the fact that there are always kids around of both sexes may not have really meant that much to them. They may have just figured "well, Susie has her 2 girlfriends over and JOhny wants his 2 guy friends over and we're going to be home, so no biggie". Again, if it is that much of an abhorrent situation to you, ask the questions before she goes, and figure out a compromise with your DD...something like "you can go and stay till 11PM, but you aren't sleeping over". Don't be surprised if she hates you though
8. The LAST thing I would do is forbid her from seeing the boy!!!!! Then you become the terrible ogre Mom who is trying to kill true love!!!!! Think Romeo and Juliet. As another poster suggested, invite the boy to your house, spend time with him etc, and see what he's like. You may discover that he is a very nice, normal 13 year old boy who likes your daughter and was doing what any normal 13 year old boy would do. After all, don't you like to kiss people you like and are attracted to?

Your DD sounds like a great kid with a good head on her shoulders. Don't strain your relationship by over-reacting to what is really a normal part of growing up. You'll only make her more sneaky. Keep the lines of communication and open, and make sure oyur DD knows you trust her, you'll do better than being hyper-vigilant. People tend to live up to what they think we expect of them.

 

[epcotfan]

Originally posted by floridafam
You're mad because she said no?

What is she being punished for? What kind of message are you sending when you punish someone for doing the right thing?

I totally agree with floridafam. I have a friend who has parents that were extremely strict. Her parents wouldn't let her near boys while she was growing up. Anyhow to make a long story short, she ended up going to University in Europe to get away from them and have some freedom. Had she stayed here she probably would never have dated. Eventually she married a European man and has stayed there since. It really is too bad she felt she had to leave and move far away to get some breathing room. I'm not saying parents shouldn't have some restrictions on their children. Just that when you act like you don't trust them you might be pushing them further away from you.

 

[RitaZ.]

I think that you've received really good advice here.

I just wanted to say that this is really a good thread for all parents to read and learn from.

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

I agree with the majority of posters here, but also want to commend the OP for accepting the opinions of others non-defensively. It seems like threads like this end up getting into big fights and then the thread gets closed.

I feel that this thread is a great example of the threads I enjoy reading here. An open exchange of opinions without things getting out of hand.