I need advice on my 13 yr. old DD (long post)

[Tiggeroo]

that boy is no longer aloud to call our home

I still don't see what the boy did wrong. He asked her for a kiss, he didn't just take it. He slept over his friends house. Again no big deal. Believe me, teens can be secretive if they want to. You will never know another thing unless it is big trouble. If you don't let the boy call the house they will see each other at school and activitiies, and around the neighborhood, etc. anyway. Then you may have an underground relationship which will be way more serious then a few phonecalls and love notes. Unless you plan on moving her to another state you may want to re-think this. Perhaps let him call, and visit at your house. The way jr. high things go, they will break up in a week or two probably. Then you don't have to be the bad guy.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Before you ban her from her friends house have you discussed your feelings about the sleepover with the parents? To me that seems a little harsh if you have not even talked to the other people involved.

And if this boy is not allowed to call another one will. And he will probably want to kiss your DD too. I think banning him from calling is wrong.

As for reading the journal in the future, I would never do it unless I suspected something like drug use. I would concentrate on really building the communication with your DD and repairing the damage this is likely to have caused. Your DD is probably going to have trust issues with you now (and vice versa) and that needs to be fixed.

JMHO.

 

[4greatboys]

I think you and your dh did overreact to the journal and now also about the boy. She said no to him and you should be proud of her. I think if your try to ban the boy completely you may push your dd into something. He did ask for a kiss, as a parent you might not like it but he is a teenager and so is dd. They do think about romance, holding hands and kissing. I had my first "real" kiss at 13. Thats all it was just a kiss--no sex, nothing hot and heavy, just a kiss.
I think you should still tell your dd what you expect of her but dont punish her for doing the right thing.

 

[poohandwendy]

I hope I am not repeating some of the wonderful advice you have received here.

But, to forbid this boy from calling your home any longer is a very dangerous step to take unless he has harmed your DD or has a drug or alcohol problem (I am sure very unlikely at their age). I say this because you really do not want to make him (or any other romantic interest) the 'forbidden fruit'. He then becomes the 'misunderstood hero' and you are the bad guy who is rigid for no reason, in her mind.

You really, really need to give her the benefit of the doubt that she will do the right thing (actually her journal has proven that by her making the choice NOT to kiss him). You have given her the tools to make the right decisions, you have told her the rules. If she disobeys them, deal with that. But trying to end a relationship she has, even a minor one, is a mistake and she will likely balk just to prove you wrong.

By banning him from her life, you think you are buying insurance against bad influence (him). You really aren't. If you want to take that approach, be prepared to ban her from all people. She has already proven that she has a mind of her own. She is the insurance...she makes the decisions, not her friends.


JMHO. (coming from a mother of a 17 yo DD, a 14 yo DS and a 10 yo DD)

 

[poohandwendy]

oops, double post...sorry

 

[clutter]

I don't think you and dh should talk to her together. It will feel like two on one to her.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I agree with a lot that has been said. You seem to be still punishing her for doing the right thing by banning him to call. I had my first kiss at 12 and I was a great student and very responsible young adult. I graduated with Honors from HS and College and remained a virgin. My parents' knew about the kiss and just talked to me about it. This boy that I kissed when I was 12, we ended up being BF and GF through my Freshman year in High School until he moved. We never did anything but kissed. Today my mom and I still laugh about the "first kiss" incident. It didn't help that my 6th grade teacher was the one that told my parents about it. The kiss happened at school and not even at someone's house.

It seems just natural for kids to start being interested in each other at this age. Be proud of her and don't punish him just because he asked for a kiss, maybe with your daughter's response to him he will never ask her again. I went to many co-ed sleepovers where my friend's brother had a friend over also to keep him from harassing the girls. Even if she knew the boy was going to spend the night, she probably didn't realize she was going to upset you by not telling you a boy was going to sleep over also.

As for the other parent's, I wouldn't give them a piece of your mind, I would just let them know that you would appreciate it from now on if they didn't have a boy spend the night when your daughter is there. They didn't know it would upset you, so why take out your frustrations on them.

 

[AZKathy]

Personally, I don't know why she is being punished so harshly. She refused to allow the boy to kiss her; that is wonderful! Is she being punished for staying at a sleep over while boys were there?

Have you spoken with the parents that hosted this sleep over? That is totally inappropriate to have two sleep overs with different genders at the same time. Maybe you should tell them to let the parent know what is going on BEFORE the party. You could have then said no to your DD to sleeping over. I find the parents hosting this shin-dig mostly responsible not your DD.

Personally, if it was me, I would talk with DD how proud I was that she did not kiss the boy and maybe the boy should not call her for a bit. I would talk with the parents of this party and tell them how upset you are that your daughter was exposed to this with a both gender sleep over thing. Co-ed sleep overs are going to be a definate no no in our home until they are out of my home. That is just ASKING for trouble!!!!!!!!

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

One more thing...there are always going to be times when your daughter spends the night and there are boys (at least one) there, usually the girl has a brother. The only way for you to demand that your daughter never sleep somewhere there is a boy is never let her sleep at a friend's house again. And think of all the girls that have fallen in love ( ) with a friends big brother over the years. It's almost impossible for you to make a demand that she never be sleeping in the same house with a boy again.

Another thing, there are 7 kids in my family, there was always a few extra around the house at any given moment, I'll bet it never occured to my Mom to worry that there was a boy and a girl in her house at the same time.

Again, I think you totally overreacted and your daughter doesn't deserve this punishment, I really think you and your husband are being far to harsh in this instance.

 

[damo]

It sounds like you've raised a great daughter. Personally, I wouldn't have told her that you read her diary and tried to pry the info out of her some other way. I have a 17 yo DD and a 15 yo DS and from my experience, your daughter acted very wisely in the situation and you should tell her so.

Just let her know that she can always come to you and if there is any doubt in her mind about something, she should follow her instincts. This is a mild situation compared to things that are yet to come and she needs to learn to trust her instincts.

I wouldn't be punishing her either. But you know her better than any of us.

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

I don't think you should have read her journal. That is a complete invasion of privacy (not to mention trust) imo. Journals are designed to write down private thoughts and feelings, they are not supposed to be for people to pick up and read them. I'll venture to bet you wouldn't have liked that if your mom did that to you. I personally think that now that you have done that, there will be some serious trust issues between you and your dd in the years to come. I imagine she feels very violated, as she has every right to feel, imo.

If you hadn't of read it in the first place, none of this would be happening. Which imo wouldn't be a bad thing, because I don't think you dd did anything wrong.

I see 13 year old kids acting like 13 year old kids in this situation.

JMHO.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I also would like to add that as an oldest child myself, my parents were WAY more paranoid/strict with me than my Sister and Brother. And it was only because I was the oldest. That led me to resent my DS and DB big time and really affected our relationship. I also saw it as playing favorites. By the time my Brother (the youngest) was in High School he could pretty much get away with stuff that I would have been grounded for 6 months for.

 

[Gupsmom]

I'm glad that you're rethinking your reaction. You don't want to slam the doors of communication shut. Aside from maybe knowing ahead of time that this boy would be there, I'm not sure what your DD did wrong. I'm also not sure what the boy did wrong. I wouldn't ban this boy. That's just encouraging a bunch of sneaking around.

It's funny...when I look back on my friends from high school, the kids that really cut loose and went nuts in college were the kids that had VERY strict parent's in high school. It's like they finally had a bit of freedom and they went way overboard. They didn't have any desire or any ability to use self discipline. They just partied...alot!!

Jess

 

[MICKEY88]

There seems to be a big piece of info missing...did the attempted kiss occur at the party...or afterwards at the sleepover...is it possible that they were together at the party ,,and totally seperated during the sleepover..

if it was at the party,,then are you going to ban her from all future parties....

I can see being bothered by the sleepover..but you should be proud she said no...

rather than banning the boy,,welcome him into your home...insist that any time they spend together be chaperoned,,his house with parents home...or your house......
otherwise it will just be another boy..another grounding....


My 17 year old daughter was seeing a guy that I didn't like, rather than trying to stop it..I told her to invite him over for family night...we watch movies, play board games..whatever..but it's a good time to talk with yur kids in a relaxed atmosphere....

so anyway...he came over one night..and we all sat around just talking,, I kept binging up the good subjects...cars, speed,,,,all the things teenage guys love..I fed him the rope and he hung himself....LOL..'till he was finished talking about racing, and thru bragging himself up.,,she was no longer interested in him....


plus if ya get on the boys good side, he will want to stay there, and will try his best to not betray your trust...

therefore I vote for lifting the grounding, restoring privileges, and inviting the boy over for family night......

 

[luvindisneyworld]

I just dont understand why she is being punished like that.You will do more harm than good trying to keep her away from the boyfriend and keeping her from staying over at a friends house.You are really overreacting about this.

She will do things in spite of what you tell her.To me it seems as if you are smothering her a little.Lighten up and give her some freedom.If you dont you will be sorry.
Misty

 

[Pin Wizard]

There's no use in being upset over what could have happened...it didn't! Good for your daughter for telling him no. I think I might call the parents and let them know what happened. And any future sleepovers...I'd definitely be asking the parents if any boys will be there. I don't think I would punish her for anything.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Originally posted by Jenn Lynn
I also would like to add that as an oldest child myself, my parents were WAY more paranoid/strict with me than my Sister and Brother. And it was only because I was the oldest. That led me to resent my DS and DB big time and really affected our relationship. I also saw it as playing favorites. By the time my Brother (the youngest) was in High School he could pretty much get away with stuff that I would have been grounded for 6 months for.

LOL! I find this interesting. Did what applied for your brother also apply to your sister? I think parents let the boys get away with more than the girls. I grew up the youngest out of 3 girls. I could never do anything because they messed up when it was their turn! Talk about being ticked off at siblings! LOL! And I'm letting loose in my 40s!

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My first kiss was at the tender age of 13. I don't know why she was punished. I'm glad I never kept a journal.

Lori

 

[Crankyshank]

If I were still a teen and I was going to be punished for doing the right thing, then I would probably go ahead and do the wrong thing. I'm getting punished either way, so what's the reward for being good?

And as far as reading her journal, it's the ultimate invasion of teen privacy. My Mother read mine and there went my trust and I never again went to her for advice or with problems with boys or friends and our relationship suffered.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I'm glad you & your dh are going to talk calmly with your dd. I agree with everyone else here that you should be proud of her for following your rules.

As far as her sleeping over and there being boys ... I may have to read this thread over again, but was it a coed sleepover, or was the boy spending the night with her brother?

I have a 16 yr old and a 14 yr old (almost 15), and there have been many times that both kids had sleepovers at the same time. At a certain time I would send the boys upstairs and the girls downstairs, and I would stay up till they went to bed just to make sure. Most of my dd's friends' parents were okay with this, but some were not, and I respected their decisions. I would have to know the parents really well, and know how they handled things before I would let my kids sleep over at someone's house. I would chalk that experience up as lessons learned for you & your dh to maybe ask more questions before she spend the night at someone else's house in the future.

I'd like to recommend that you & your dh keep your calm about this because you do not want your dd afraid to talk to her psycho parents (mine would just call me the alien mama) in the future when things come up. I say that because my ds has a girlfriend now, and I'm having to have "those talks" with him. Yesterday, he messed up, and he said that his thought was that he was afraid I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. We talked and talked - he's still grounded - but, he's not afraid to talk to me, and hopefully my keeping my cool will help guide him better in the future.

Good luck to the three of you.