I need advice on my 13 yr. old DD (long post)

[GEM]

Sorry to pop in again, but I teach kids jut that age and I really enjoy them, so I've had a lot of opportunity to talk to them and observe their behavior!

Writing notes about boys, talking on the phone (about boys and TO boys), giggling and blushing, whispering about boys, and even having a first kiss is VERY typical 13 year old stuff! It's all a very normal part of growing up. It sounds like you have raised a daughter who knows how to think for herself and make good decisions. I'm not sure I think reading her journal is a good thing, but if you keep doing it, don't be surprised if you read sometime pretty soon about a boy she DID kiss! All very normal and harmless, in my opinion!

 

[Duchie]

Oooh, I am SO not looking forward to the teenage years!

Obviously my little ones aren't facing these issues yet, so my opinion might not be relevant. But here it is anyway: I think the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication between you and DD open. You've stated that you two have a great relationship and she tells you most everything. So whatever you choose to do, try to keep that intact. As a teenager I never felt I could talk to my mom, and there were times when it would have been helpful!

Keep your chin up!

 

[Tess]

I have a 13 y/o daughter (and a 16 y/o son). I agree, your daughter probably knew--dare I say it--helped arrange the co-ed sleepover. Girls this age do a great deal of plotting with friends to orchestrate these "chance" meetings. That may or may not be the case here--did you ask her or the other parents how the co-ed thing came about? I know from experience that when my daughter has a sleepover, my son has also had a guest--not so much now that he's 16. Other than this possible scenario--I'm not sure what you're all geeked over?

I know my daughter has received her "first kiss"--she's approaching 14, now and is in 8th grade. As I recall, my group of friends were way beyond the "first kiss" thing--more like on 2nd and 3rds by our freshmen year. It did tug at my heart that my baby was getting too grown up. She is a levelheaded girl and I trust her. In fact, she broke up with a boy because he just wanted to kiss her and she didn't want to. Girls this age much more enjoy the attention than the actual involvement.

I can think of a whole range of behaviors that would send me over the edge--kissing a boy isn't one of them--and, in your case, there wasn't even a kiss.

Try not to attach adult "sexual" labels to "children's" behavior. They aren't yet thinking the way you or I do with a whole lifetime of experience. A kiss is nothing more to most of them at 13. I know there are those that are more worldly by this age, but--for the most part--they are still fairly innocent and caught up in the "romance" aspect. They aren't necessarily looking to take it to a level beyond the "kiss", if they are even interested in that!

Have a tissue, dry your eyes, and talk to your daughter. She and the other parents are the ones who hold the answers to whether or not your child is guilty and punishment worthy OR if it was simply a matter of happenstance.

 

[sue1013]

I don't mean to sound harsh but you and your DH need to calm down!! If this is making you cry I hate to see you in a couple years. She is only 13 just starting those crazy teen years. You need to keep it together to be there for guidance and discipline for her. If she sees you falling apart over this she's not going to believe you can handle things and will not turn to you if she has a problem.

 

[always quiet]

Hmmm....being the mother of a 12 1/2 yr old and just recently allowing boys to call...I think I can relate!! I haven't read my DD's journal, but I am guilty of reading a note or 2 (hey, they don't belong in my washing maching...NOT MY FAULT!! ). Does your daughter know that you read her journal?? I think that is going to be an issue in the future (note to self - do not get caught! ). I think you might need to do some damage control on that PDQ. Now onto the real problem....you have to find out whether your daughter knew this boy was going to be there. If she didn't know, then I don't think I would be mad at her. I can't see my daughter wanting to leave a party just because a boy she was interested in was also going to be there and she knew I wouldn't approve. Not because she would want to be sneaky about seeing this boy, but I think she would be mortified having to leave because "mommy says so". Image is everything at that age. I personally would have a thing or 2 to say to the girls parents. I don't care if they didn't know the relationship of your daughter and this boy. If they are having teenage girls in the house overnight, they sure as heck have no business allowing any boys (aside from brothers) in the house at the same time.
I would be furious at them!!

Now, as a mom, I would be very proud of my daughter for standing up to this boy and refusing to kiss him!! It shows she has enough self confidence to not let anyone convince her to do something she is not ready for or doesn't want to!! Shows she has a good head on her shoulders.

 

[Gette88]

I told DD she is punished because I believe that the kids planned this ahead of time and didn't tell the parents, me and the parents at the sleepover. I'm upset that the parents would have boys of the same age sleep over on the same night as the girls. I did tell DD that I was glad she didn't do anything with the boyfriend but that he shouldn't have been there at all. I told DD she can not sleep over that house again and as far as other sleep overs I will now ask the parents if there will be boys spending the night. DH and I will have to talk about when boys can call the house again. This boy can not. I feel he is trying to have a serious girlfriend not just a school yard type. He calls alot and writes DD notes about how much he loves her. DD has shown be the notes. We have a very open relationship but this has really thrown me for a loop.

 

[6_Time_Momma]

I guess I am not sure why your daughter is being punished?
Edited: Nevermind, I just now read the above post.

Edited again: I do think there is a bit of a stronger reaction coming from you than perhaps should be. I'm quite surprised that you would be crying over this. I would be extremly proud of your DD for saying no. You don't know for a fact that she knew the boys were there. I'd say the bigger problem will be from you reading her journal! (not that I wouldn't have done the same thing unfortunatley)

 

[Tuffcookie]

Gette, I'm glad I have sons!

Hugs & prayers for patience in the up-coming years!

TC

 

[Desnik]

I have to completely agree with Pete's Mom

Here's my opinion. I think it was wrong to read her journal. That is her private thoughts and you are breaking her trust. It would only be understandable if she was acting out and you suspected substance abuse and things of that nature. No other excuse in my opinion to invade her privacy.
She should be applauded for not kissing the boy. You obviously have instilled good morals in her! Can you please tell me what she is punished for?!! OK, I would be really mad at the parents for allowing a coed sleepover without my knowledge. Your daughter handled herself well, if I was her I'm not sure if I would've told my parents. No doubt she should've. But, to punish her for that the way you have I think is accessive. I think what is more affective would be to reiterate your rules and what is expected of her. Express your dissappointment for her not telling you about boys at the sleepover. And leave it at that. Is she a good student? Good kid? Cut her some slack on this one.

I hate to break it to you but, she will kiss a boy eventually!!! I had my first kiss at 13.

You know teenage years are very hard on both kids and parents. It is so important for her to be able to trust you and for you all to have good conmmunication. If you do things like reading her journal, that will only put a wedge in your relationship. She won't trust you and could start to resent you. I think you owe her an apology for reading her private thoughts.

Also, call that mom who allowed this coed sleepover and give her a piece of your mind!! I would not let my daughter sleepover there again!!

Goodluck

 

[CEDmom]

I'm not really clear on what your daughter did wrong that she's being punished for . Did she know this boy was going to be spending the night and deliberately not tell you because she knew she wouldn't be allowed to go? If yes, then that is something to be upset about. However, if this boy was an unexpected guest of the brother then what exactly should your daughter have done? I guess she could have said that she needed to leave because her parents wouldn't like her being there, but really she's 12. While I don't think you should have read her journal I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. However, I don't think I would have come right out and told my daughter. I would have figured out a way to get the truth out w/o her knowing. There's a lot of trust that now needs to be mended on both sides here. Good luck.

 

[Planogirl]

Keep in mind that even if other parents don't allow boys to sleep over when the girls do, that there will still be the brothers to consider. I dated my best friend's older brother for a while so he and I were often in the same house at the same time. However, I was a prude when I was a teenager so it was no big deal. IF I'd kept a journal, it would have been awfully dull reading!

I think that your daughter is to be commended for saying no to a kiss. So many girls get into trouble at such an early age nowadays and she seems to have her head on straight.

 

[TammiMcMan]

I'm a mom who has an 18DD, 13DS and 7DD. Having been through this once with a girl and now on my second go around with a boy, I have a bit of advice. I'll tackle the journal first. Both of my children have journals. They draw pictures and write in them. In fact, every Christmas I give them a new one. Unless I suspected something like drug or alchohol use or noticed a severe personality change in my child, I would never look through the journal. Open communication is your most precious gift as a parent. At 13 you might not have expected to be having the "boy" talk with your daughter, but now's your chance to start something positive with her and don't just limit it to boys. Let her know that you're interested in all her friends. Like my mother before me, I've also became a listener for a lot of my daughters and son's friends. It amazes me how many families out there have such a problem with talking to each other. As for the punishment, you said that you thought she knew about the boyfriend being there and hiding it from you. Have you asked her and if she did, have you asked why she didn't mention it to you? Has she said how she felt about you reading her journal? I think in either case, your punishment might have been a bit severe.

Just take your mother/daughter relationship to the next level now. Have a once a month trip to the spa for a manicure and lunch afterwards to talk, or even just an afternoon at a zoo, aquarium or museum. Sometimes I think it's easier to talk when you're both out of familiar surroundings. I came from a family of 6 and my mom took one child, one day a month for some alone time and I cherish those memories. I continue the tradition with my children now. In the end, your daughter did you proud and proved that you and your DH have done a great job raising her.

Tammi

 

[IloveDMB]

I don't have children, but I was a teenager in the not so distant past.

This is part of the reason I never kept a journal. No way did I ever want my mother to "come across" my journal and read it. I don't know how I ever would have reacted if I had a journal and my mother read it. I would have felt very betrayed.

That matter aside, I had my first kiss at 12. I was in 6th grade. By that time I had also attended a few co-ed sleepovers (camp sleepovers and youth group). I don't know if my parents were more lenient or just trusted me.

I'm sorry, but I think you are overreacting. You say you and your daughter are close, but I remember what it was like to be that age. By reading her journal, you may cause her to be very, very mad. I hope that you and daughter retain your closeness.

And on a side note, if boys and girls want to do "stuff", they will find a way to do it. It's so sad, but I had 2 girls in my 7th grade class who were pregnant.

And good for your daughter for standing up to the boy. She's not ready and she made sure he knew. It sounds like you have a strong daughter there.

 

[browneyes]

I'd commend her for telling the boy no. But I'd also explain to her the importance of why she should've called you at the sleepover when she knew the boys were going to sleepover.

 

[nuke]

I really think it was wrong of you to read her journal and to punish her for things she wrote in the journal.

My mother did that to me when I was 13 years old except it was called a diary then. I guess there are no more diaries. What I wrote in my diary back then was thoughts and dreams and some events of the day. I was so hurt that she breached my trust by reading it and it put a HUGE damper on our relationship throughout my entire teen and young adulthood. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that we have really worked on our relationship and now we are very very close but I am sad when I think of all the years we wasted.

I would never read my child's journal except in very very extreme circumstances where I felt I needed to save my child's life from drug abuse or suicide etc.

I think you need to apologize to her.

 

[bananiem]

My kids are approaching this age so although I haven't gone through it with them yet I know it's coming!! Good luck!

I agree with most of what has already been said but I have a little perspective from the side of the younger children. My Mom read my sister's notes and things. All it taught me was to "hide the evidence." During the blow ups I also decided that my parents were not the "listening, I can tell them anything" kind, so I left out A LOT of info. Just remember that the younger children in the house are taking this in as well.
I would take her out to an ice cream place or something, apologize and say that she's your oldest and how you love her and want the best for her and it's so hard to watch her mature because in your mind she's still that baby you held so close...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... Then give her a new journal with a lock and key or password and tell her you trust her and how you want her to continue to put her fellings down.
Then tell her how you'd like her to handle situations like that in the future. Honestly, if it had been me at that age I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal because there were parents there. But I know NOW that my parents would have had a cow!

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

I think you are completely overreacting, and you can bet money that you will never find anything interesting to read in her journal again. I'm sure she has completely lost all trust in you at this point, and somehow I don't think it was worth it, she didn't do anything.

 

[Gette88]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who posted . I just spoke with my DH and told him everyone thinks we overreacted and he said his friend said the same. We are going to sit down with DD tonight and calmly discuss the situation. We are going to tell her again that we are proud of her for not doing anything with the boy. She is not aloud to sleep over that house again and that boy is no longer aloud to call our home. I will apologize for being so upset and for reading her journal (but between us I can't promise I won't again). I will tell DD that it is normal for her to be attracted to boys and to kiss but co-ed sleepovers are not acceptable. EVERYONE here has been very helpful. I wanted opinions, that's why I posted. I know everyone handles things differently and I really wanted to hear from people who could look at it more clearly then DH and I. Thank you all so much. I feel very lucky to have found the DIS. You all have made a world of difference today, again thank you.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

and that boy is no longer aloud to call our home.

Why is he not allowed to call your house anymore? I think that is also overreacting. The only thing he did was ask his 'girlfriend' for a kiss, something perfectly normal for a teenage boy to do. I actually think it was better that he asked and didn't just kiss her. I think you are being really harsh to a boy who is probably a perfectly nice/normal young man.

 

[Angel717]

I think you need to figure out what is upsetting you the most. Is it because boys were allowed to sleepover? Or is it that your DD didn't tell you and you found out by reading her journal?

I think this was the perfect opportunity to talk to your DD about peer pressure, boys, expectations and responsibility. Who knows, if you had started a conversation on any of those subject, without mentioning that you had read her journal, she may have felt comfortable enough to tell you this happened without fear of punishment. It wasn't her fault that these boys slept over, although she may not have thought it was that big a deal (while I realize it's a big deal to you, she may not have known that.)

I hope that if you do ever read her journal again and are uncomfortable or upset by what you've read, you'll take a different approach and keep the lines of communication open. Even though you say you have an open relationship now, she is only 13 and the older she gets, the harder it is to maintain that kind of relationship. There will be many more things she doesn't tell you and you have to prepare yourself for that. As much as it hurts to think about, she will be a young woman in a few, very short, years.