I hate my ex so incredibly much, and I just need to vent

[Gina]

Thank you all so much for the replies and for the encouragement. I wish I could drive around the country right now and hug each one of you!!

I know my ex is jealous of how incredibly close DS and I are, but that's his problem.

You know what else is funny? He got seriously MAD yesterday when I told him about the child support collection agency. He was all ticked off that they take $411 a month from him, but we only get $274, like I really WANT to get less support from him. I wouldn't have gone that route if I hadn't absolutely had to, and it was because he never volunteered the cs information to his employers on his own.

I tried to push it all out of my mind last night, and DS and I had our usual Saturday night "cruise chat." (I will be so glad when the Magic is back where she's supposed to be, and we can watch her sail away again every Saturday!) My ex can't take away the memories DS and I have together, and he can't keep us from making new ones.

Thank you all again for just listening and for the virtual hugs.


-gina-

 

[Cass]

 

[DisGirlAllie]

No offense DisGirlAllie, I also think your comments are incredibly thoughtful for a 12 yo, but I have to respectfully disagree. Every child does NOT need their father, rotten or not.

I was 12 when my parents seperated. My father was always cruel and hateful to me (called me fat, accused me of eating things that I didn't, never had a kind word). He NEVER paid child support or alimony (was $80K in arrears at last count). When I was 16, my mom had had surgery, was desperate, and my brother & me had to spend the summer with him.

He was living in a crappy rent house with a 20 year old who had just had a baby by another man. They had some old guy living with him that would sit on the couch and roll joints in front of my 12 year old brother and me. Thank GOD I was dating a boy with a car and he would rescue me from that hell hole for most of the day.

My father fled this state 14 years ago as a fugitive of the law because he argued with a judge, and then didn't show up for his next court date about the unpaid child support/alimony. I haven't seen his face since, and have never been happier. My brother and I are now both responsible adults, happily married, each with two children. My father has not seen any of them.

NOBODY needs a father like that, and it doesn't sound the OP's son needs one like the OP's ex. Some people are useless pieces of crap, have nothing positive to give to the world, and the best they can do is stay OUT of everyone's lives.

OP -- you could probably get your ex's visitation rights taken away if you tell the court about the girlfriend pulling the knife, the other girlfriend's suicide. This kind of history definitely shows that your ex is irresponsible in the company he keeps, and does not provide a safe environment for your son.

I meant that every child does need a father. However the defination of father is not your father or the OP's ex. They are not real fathers. they are just other people in the world.

 

[littleteapot]

Last fall the State of Texas garnished my dh's wages for a $40,000 arrears.

They had the wrong guy, didn't notify us, changed dh's middle name, added a social, wrong address history and generally screwed up our credit. My dh's company should have warned us it was going to happen, but they screwed up too.

When it was all over, I couldn't stop thinking about poor woman who finally thought she was going to get some of the money her deadbeat ex owed her. I pray for Sherry regularly and I've never met her.

Hugs to you mom, you're doing a great job.

 

[disneyfruitloop]

First of all..... to you and your son!

I dont know how much my advice will help since I live in a different state, but ya never know! In VA, once the non custodial parent falls 2000.00 in arrears, they have their drivers license suspended. After 5,000.00 they go to jail and stay there until they pay up. If they fall behind again once they are released, they go right back to jail. This dosent happen all the time since there are people who know how to manipulate the system, but in theory, its how it always happens. Here, all you have to do is file with the magistrate, and they will pick up the "dead beat". If you do not know where the dead beat lives, a bench warrant will be issued for their arrest. At that point, let the SOB come and pick up his son for his court ordered weekend visit.....just dont take your son- take a police officer and he will be arrested and hauled in. I know this is how it works here because my DH and I are going through it with his ex-wife. She is the dead beat and has had the DL suspended, and is on her way to jail next month. I would look into this and see if TX has anything like this to help you out.

One more thing to mention....tread lightly with your comments about him wanting to see his son but dosent pay his child support. It kills me to hand my stepkids over to their mom every other weekend when she dose nothing to support them, but as the court always tells us.....support has nothing to do with visitation, and vice versa. It sucks big time, but he could possibly push for the visitation with out paying his arrears. But, if TX has anything like VA, he would be arrested when he tried to enforce the visits because of non-payment.

For a system that is intended to help and protect the kids, it is amazingly flawed!

Good Luck to you and thank goodness God blessed your son with such a wonderful mother capable of wearing the mom hat and the dad hat!!

 

[Goofyzgurl]

Just another and kudos on a great job you're doing with your son.

 

[Gina]

First of all..... to you and your son!

I dont know how much my advice will help since I live in a different state, but ya never know! In VA, once the non custodial parent falls 2000.00 in arrears, they have their drivers license suspended. After 5,000.00 they go to jail and stay there until they pay up. If they fall behind again once they are released, they go right back to jail. This dosent happen all the time since there are people who know how to manipulate the system, but in theory, its how it always happens. Here, all you have to do is file with the magistrate, and they will pick up the "dead beat". If you do not know where the dead beat lives, a bench warrant will be issued for their arrest. At that point, let the SOB come and pick up his son for his court ordered weekend visit.....just dont take your son- take a police officer and he will be arrested and hauled in. I know this is how it works here because my DH and I are going through it with his ex-wife. She is the dead beat and has had the DL suspended, and is on her way to jail next month. I would look into this and see if TX has anything like this to help you out.

One more thing to mention....tread lightly with your comments about him wanting to see his son but dosent pay his child support. It kills me to hand my stepkids over to their mom every other weekend when she dose nothing to support them, but as the court always tells us.....support has nothing to do with visitation, and vice versa. It sucks big time, but he could possibly push for the visitation with out paying his arrears. But, if TX has anything like VA, he would be arrested when he tried to enforce the visits because of non-payment.

Oh, I know that they are two separate issues, and I agree with the reasoning behind that. I WISH Texas was like Virginia -- that's amazing what they do to deadbeats. Here, they really couldn't care less. One nasty woman at the Attorney General's office actually said to me one time, "You should be glad you've ever gotten anything. Some women never see a dime." And these were the people supposedly there to help us and our children. Nice, huh? It's no wonder I went to a private collection agency.

As long as they're paying, the state doesn't care about their arrears. A hundred dollars of the $411 he's supposed to pay every month goes toward the arrears, but he won't catch up for a very long time that way.

Sounds like we should move to Virginia or something!

 

[Shugardrawers]

I'm not sure if this is even possible being that your son is 11 and does know his father, sort of, but have you thought about having your ex just relinguish all rights to his son? You get him out of your life and he doesn't have to pay(or I don't think he does).

I'm so sorry for your son but in the end your ex will reap what he sows with your son.

This will vary from state to state of course but my cousin gave up rights to his son so that his ex's dh could adopt him. He didn't have to pay any future child support but he still was responsible for any back support owed, which was A LOT. That was his whole reason for doing it, to get out of paying child support. How sad that he basically sold his only son but in some cases, it's the best thing for everyone. Sometimes really loving someone means not being with them.

My real dad removed himself from my life because he felt it was the best thing for me in our situation. As sad as that makes me, he was probably right and it was the most loving and responsible thing he could possibly have done for me. He knew he wouldn't win his battle with the bottle and he spared me the pain and heartache of watching him drink himself to death. He may have had serious issues but at least he put my well being first, though I didn't understand that for many years. You see that man in my sig with me? He's been my daddy for 28 years now. I love and adore him and could never begin to repay him for everything he has been to me over the years. It took a long time for my mom to find him but she sure got it right when she did.

 

[Robinrs]

My son's father is schizophrenic. What does that mean? It means he has the best excuse in the world to say the most horrendous, disgusting things to me and his child and everyone feels for him and not for us.

So what do I do? What any decent parent should do... I became a barricade between my son and his so called Dad.

If my son grew up hearing what his "father" said about him he would not be the person he is today, a 14yo wonderful child. He is filled with so much unspeakable joy, the kind of joy only a LOVED child feels... not a child that is constantly verbally abused.

No, every child does not need a Dad... not one like that. His effect on my son would've been unrepairable... and not just me but the entire world would have to deal with what he would've left my son to be.

A single Mom of a boy has a strong responsibility to be both the strength and the gentleness for that child. She must be the kind of woman she wants her child to bring home to her, and the kind of woman who makes sure he is a man. My Mom always said a girl cannot raise a boy, but a WOMAN can!

God bless, honey, You are a WOMAN. Tattoo fool, he's working on being a man. God knows if he'll ever make it there.

Concentrate on you and your boy. Your ex is a bonified loser. Don't waste your hate on him, it takes your spirit away. He is living his life, you live yours.

from one who knows how you feel.

 

[Ariel Wanna-be]

...I wish I could have done better by my son in the father department, or I wish I had been able to meet someone special by now who was willing to take on that role. But a few weeks ago DS came out of nowhere to tell me, "I love you double-much, Mom, because you've been a mom *and* a dad to me."

WOW!! It sounds like you are doing one heck of a job raising your son! He sounds like a thoughtful young man, and you sound like an amazing, strong mother.

I'm really sorry for all that you're going through. Your ex sounds awful, and you and your son deserve so much better.

He may have not recieved the pick of the litter in the dad department, but it sounds like he got the cream of the crop for a mom!

 

[joshsmom]

Gina,

First of all--

Secondly--I think you married my ex!!! Your life mirrors my own in so many ways!!! I left my ex in 1997 when he drank all our rent money while I was trying to take care of an 18 month old who was on dialysis and getting more ill by the day. When he finally hit me and threatened to hit my son, I left. My DS is now 11 as well and he never sees his father at all. We have NO IDEA where he is. That's where our lives go different directions. I was able to terminate his rights after 3 months of no contact from him. In Illinois, that's all you need for Abandonment. To this day, I have NO IDEA if he even KNOWS that his rights are terminated. But it was the best thing I ever did for my son.

I haven't met Mr. Right, so Josh doesn't have a dad. But when he looked at me a few days ago and said, "geez mom, is there any way I can change my last name? Dad hasn't done anything for me anyway," I knew I did the right thing. BTW, I am not going to have him change his name. He may change his mind later. I have not told DS about all the horrible things that happened while we were still with his dad, and I never will. But I know that my son is a happy, healthy, adjusted little boy.

I'm SO SORRY you are going through this and hope that it gets better. Too bad he won't just drop out of the picture so you could get him on abandonment. That would be a nice solution! It has been for us.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Men who will actually take on the duties of an absent father are hard to find but no one says you HAVE to have one. He's certainly seen what being a father is NOT and you've shown him what being a parent really IS. You also have the advantage of helping to shape his attitude towards women more. Were he to spend more time with his father I can imagine the influence would lead to some real relationship problems in the future. His absence is a blessing in this case and since leopards rarely change their spots I doubt he's going to be terribly interested in keeping up the visitation, especially if it means showing a little responsibility

 

[Fan2CSkr]

You are a wonderful mom and your son is so lucky to have you.

He has spiraled downward in the years since our divorce into a total hillbilly, useless lifestyle. One girlfriend pulled a knife on him and then on herself -- in front of her own children -- and just a month ago, another one shot herself to death in his trailer. Not that it bothered him for long -- he's already living with the new "love of his life."

What court of law would allow a child to visit and stay the weekend based on events like these possibly repeating in his presence. Is it so unlikely to have his rights revoked based on these events?

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Gina]

What court of law would allow a child to visit and stay the weekend based on events like these possibly repeating in his presence. Is it so unlikely to have his rights revoked based on these events?

I have read sooo many horror stories over the years while I've done research on all this, about parents doing all sorts of terrible things -- and the courts saying that unless they specifically were doing something horrible to the child in question, and it could be proven, then everything was a-ok. But I was all ready to present all that, and ask for full legal custody (in Texas it's joint conservatorship) and supervised visitation, but I never got it before a judge before the bottom-feeding attorneys bled me dry. Attorneys don't take this sort of case on a pro bono basis, and the few agencies out there who offer legal help either require you to live in that county of the divorce (that was 10 years ago) or they say they have a billion cases just like this already.

I think you married my ex!!! Your life mirrors my own in so many ways!!! I left my ex in 1997 when he drank all our rent money while I was trying to take care of an 18 month old who was on dialysis and getting more ill by the day. When he finally hit me and threatened to hit my son, I left. My DS is now 11 as well and he never sees his father at all. We have NO IDEA where he is. That's where our lives go different directions. I was able to terminate his rights after 3 months of no contact from him. In Illinois, that's all you need for Abandonment. To this day, I have NO IDEA if he even KNOWS that his rights are terminated. But it was the best thing I ever did for my son.

I haven't met Mr. Right, so Josh doesn't have a dad. But when he looked at me a few days ago and said, "geez mom, is there any way I can change my last name? Dad hasn't done anything for me anyway," I knew I did the right thing. BTW, I am not going to have him change his name. He may change his mind later. I have not told DS about all the horrible things that happened while we were still with his dad, and I never will. But I know that my son is a happy, healthy, adjusted little boy.

I'm SO SORRY you are going through this and hope that it gets better. Too bad he won't just drop out of the picture so you could get him on abandonment. That would be a nice solution! It has been for us.

That is one issue I can't even find a state statute on. I want to find out the actual period of time of no contact after which it can be considered abandonment, but I cannot find it. You sound like you have been such a great mom, though... your story gave me a lot of strength!

My son's father is schizophrenic. What does that mean? It means he has the best excuse in the world to say the most horrendous, disgusting things to me and his child and everyone feels for him and not for us.

So what do I do? What any decent parent should do... I became a barricade between my son and his so called Dad.

If my son grew up hearing what his "father" said about him he would not be the person he is today, a 14yo wonderful child. He is filled with so much unspeakable joy, the kind of joy only a LOVED child feels... not a child that is constantly verbally abused.

No, every child does not need a Dad... not one like that. His effect on my son would've been unrepairable... and not just me but the entire world would have to deal with what he would've left my son to be.

A single Mom of a boy has a strong responsibility to be both the strength and the gentleness for that child. She must be the kind of woman she wants her child to bring home to her, and the kind of woman who makes sure he is a man. My Mom always said a girl cannot raise a boy, but a WOMAN can!

God bless, honey, You are a WOMAN. Tattoo fool, he's working on being a man. God knows if he'll ever make it there.

Concentrate on you and your boy. Your ex is a bonified loser. Don't waste your hate on him, it takes your spirit away. He is living his life, you live yours.

from one who knows how you feel.

Robin, your story made me cry... and hearing you call my idiot ex "tattoo fool" will make me smile every time I think of it for the rest of my life. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

Thank ALL of you for sharing what you have with me. I feel so much better and stronger today, and I can honestly say it is all because of you guys. I can't thank you enough. I know that so many people have waaaaayyy bigger problems than this, and I feel guilty even whining about it, but I'm glad I let it out for once. You guys need to embark on a Community Board World Tour, just going around and making people feel a whole lot better.





-gina-

 

[Poohnatic]

Gina,

I'd come meet you and your son at the Magic to give you that well deserved hug (just realized your ticker). However, I did a stupid human trick on Thursday and found out that you can't get in the terminal if you're not sailing.

You are an AWESOME mom! Just keep living well and raising your son the way you have. Your ex obviously doesn't know how good he had it.

suzanne

 

[megan4777]

I just want to give you a and say you're an AWESOME mother.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

What a horrible situation. My sister lives in fear of something similar happening with her deadbeat, drug-and-alcohol-addicted ex. My niece is 13 now and he hasn't seen her (except for a freak sighting at a waterpark) since she was about 3 or 4. My guess is the new girlfriend has questioned the situation and either innocently wonders why he doesn't see his son OR (more likely) wants to use your son to "play house" with Mr. Jerko. I'm so sorry for you, and I hope you get something straightened out soon.

 

[Gina]

What a horrible situation. My sister lives in fear of something similar happening with her deadbeat, drug-and-alcohol-addicted ex. My niece is 13 now and he hasn't seen her (except for a freak sighting at a waterpark) since she was about 3 or 4. My guess is the new girlfriend has questioned the situation and either innocently wonders why he doesn't see his son OR (more likely) wants to use your son to "play house" with Mr. Jerko. I'm so sorry for you, and I hope you get something straightened out soon.

You know, that might just be it. This latest one doesn't have any kids, although she supposedly works with them, so maybe she is pushing for an insta-family. Personally, I think she's as stupid as he is to let him move in with her less than a month after they met, but whatever! DS and I talked about it again, and he said once a month would be fine for him. I could live with once a month, if I had to, but I still wouldn't be very comfortable with it.

Gina,

I'd come meet you and your son at the Magic to give you that well deserved hug (just realized your ticker). However, I did a stupid human trick on Thursday and found out that you can't get in the terminal if you're not sailing.

You are an AWESOME mom! Just keep living well and raising your son the way you have. Your ex obviously doesn't know how good he had it.

You're so sweet, Suzanne! How silly of Disney to not build a separate DIS-meet area at the terminal!! It would get used, that's for sure!

 

[Poohgirl]

 

[tigerdragon]

I just wanted to agree with everyone else and say you sound like a wonderful mom and your son sounds like a terrific kid. You are both lucky to have each other.