I hate my ex so incredibly much, and I just need to vent

[Gina]

I have never been one to bare my soul here on the DIS over the years, but I'm just so sick of all this and I just need to vent. I apologize now for it being too long.

My ex and I have been divorced since '97, after he decided that he "wasn't cut out for family life." DS and I have been on our own ever since, and he is 11 now. It took years for me to get the state to even bother collecting child support from my ex, and that was only after I got senators involved. But every time he changed jobs (which is about as frequently as most people change socks) it would take months and months before he bothered to tell his employer that he was supposed to be paying child support.

Years ago I finally had to hire a professional child support collection agency, and I've never looked back. They get 34 cents of every dollar my son is supposed to get, but 100% of zero wasn't doing us any good. He was court-ordered in the original decree to pay for DS's health insurance, but has never paid a dime. It's not like my child could walk around without health insurance, so I have paid for it all this time, every month. By my calculations, that's over $8000 right there. He's also still several thousand dollars in arrears.

He has never gotten DS one single birthday present or Christmas present. He even managed to show up one birthday party for DS with yet another girlfriend, but not even an .89 cent Hotwheels car. He calls maybe 3 times a year, but talks about how much he loves his son. DS and I have lived in the same house for 6 years, and the same apartment before that for 9 years. My ex has moved more times than I can even keep track of, but never any closer. He has always been at least an hour away, one way.

He has spiraled downward in the years since our divorce into a total hillbilly, useless lifestyle. One girlfriend pulled a knife on him and then on herself -- in front of her own children -- and just a month ago, another one shot herself to death in his trailer. Not that it bothered him for long -- he's already living with the new "love of his life."

I have tried to protect my son for all these years, but have never said anything bad about his father to him or around him. I have tried my damndest to keep him out of all of it, and have just swallowed the stress until it has made me physically ill. I have also gone way out of my way to try and at least let them spend some time together, because I know that DS is only going to obsess over his dad later if he is just some big mystery to him.

Every once in a while, the ex decides to put on the "daddy hat" and act like DS is so all-important to him. I relented and let DS go spend the weekend with him and his girlfriend-du-jour last weekend. Everything went fine, but I held my breath the entire time he was gone. He called me a little while ago, which was shocking enough, to ask if DS was going to stay with him next weekend. Um, no, why would he be doing that??

"Because I'm supposed to have him every other weekend. The papers say so." I absolutely lost it at that point. I reminded him about the insurance, and the child support that has not been raised in 10 years, despite his raise in pay and inflation. I told him that he can't just pick and choose which parts of the decree he feels applies to him, and I told him that we have a LIFE going on over here. A life we have built together for 10 years. He has friends and birthday parties and sleepovers and sports stuff.

I sat down with DS and told him that if spending every other weekend with his dad is what HE wants, then I will move heaven and earth to make it happen. But he said the same thing I tried to tell my ex -- "No, Mom, I like spending time with him, but not every other weekend." His words, not mine. His father has done nothing but lie to him and flake out on him, and DS *knows* that. I haven't poisoned my son to my ex -- my ex has done that all by himself.

I just screamed at him. I had been holding it in for way too long. And now I'm afraid he'll just show up next Friday with cops or something, although I'm not sure he could even do that. I mean, it's not like there's proof of which weekend is supposed to be whose or whatever. But I told him that his son isn't a possession that he gets to have on some schedule -- even when DS doesn't want to go.

I didn't even tell him that DS won't be here next weekend -- he'll be in Tennessee with my ex's PARENTS. They never even hear from their son. And they said it's none of my ex's business that DS is going to be there -- this is their time with their grandson.

I'm just so upset. I'm shaking, and nauseous, and honestly wish something horrible would happen to my ex. I could live without the piddly child support amount we get -- I just want him OUT of our lives. I want to have a life again myself, one without fear and stress over my ex. I want to take my child and move so far away, he'll never find us and mess with us again.

*sigh* I'm sorry this is so long... I was hoping it would make me feel better to type it all out, but I think I'll just go have a glass of wine.

-gina-

 

[4greatboys]

That really sucks. Your ds should be getting of age where he can decide or not to with his dad. Being as old as he is if you ex showed up with the cops they probably wouldnt make him go.
Have you though of going back to court to have his visitation changed? Maybe once you show he never visits and show how far behind in child support his is maybe you could get supervised visitation.

Once (if ever) he proves he is going to be responsible and continue the visitation then he can get more lenient visits.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I am so sorry....you need a big .

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm not sure if this is even possible being that your son is 11 and does know his father, sort of, but have you thought about having your ex just relinguish all rights to his son? You get him out of your life and he doesn't have to pay(or I don't think he does).

I'm so sorry for your son but in the end your ex will reap what he sows with your son.

 

[jenimay]

You are a strong woman and should be proud of yourself. Try to think positively and hopefully he'll go back in his hole soon and leave your son alone.

Jeni

 

[Gina]

Thank you for the I wish I could just hug someone for an hour and just cry at this point, but I'm pretty isolated here.

As for court, I already wasted all my savings a couple of years ago trying to go that route. The lawyers just play games with each other, and get rich at the same time. I ended up having to drop the whole thing when I ran out of money. No offense to any lawyers here on the DIS, but I have a lot of contempt for the profession as a whole from my experiences with them.

Anyways, I appreciate you guys even replying.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I'm not sure if this is even possible being that your son is 11 and does know his father, sort of, but have you thought about having your ex just relinguish all rights to his son? You get him out of your life and he doesn't have to pay(or I don't think he does).

I'm so sorry for your son but in the end your ex will reap what he sows with your son.

That does sound like a great thing but I am sure her Ex would never agree to that. That is why I am blessed my Ex is dead (before I get flamed, he was horribly abusive) my oldest child will never know abuse and I will never know a headache/heartache such as the OP is going through.

Op, I wish you the best. I can't imagine having to relinquish (for overnight visits and such) my child to someone like that.

 

[Gina]

I'm not sure if this is even possible being that your son is 11 and does know his father, sort of, but have you thought about having your ex just relinguish all rights to his son? You get him out of your life and he doesn't have to pay(or I don't think he does).

I'm so sorry for your son but in the end your ex will reap what he sows with your son.

That would be my greatest wish... but in his twisted brain, my ex really believes that he loves my son! Of course, this is the man who got DS's name and birthdate tatooed on his arm to show his "love" for him... at a time when we literally didn't even have enough money for diapers. That was "love" to him. He is the mistake I will live to regret for the rest of my life... but at the same time, if I hadn't been so incredibly stupid as to marry him, I wouldn't have my son -- and my son is truly amazing. He is the very light of my life.

You know, I even left parts of this tale out, for the sake of length. I didn't mention the time DS and I drove an hour to meet up with him several years ago, and my ex was too hung over to wake up and show. Or the time I let DS go stay with him when he was about 4, and my ex didn't show up at the meeting point to give him back. I have never, ever been so scared in my whole life. He said he wanted to "keep him for a few weeks." It took my father and the threat of police to get him to bring DS back.

I wish I could have done better by my son in the father department, or I wish I had been able to meet someone special by now who was willing to take on that role. But a few weeks ago DS came out of nowhere to tell me, "I love you double-much, Mom, because you've been a mom *and* a dad to me."

I think I'm going to go hug him again right now. Thanks again, you guys, for being so nice. It feels so weird to me to be this free with my feelings here on the DIS, but I think I'm glad I did.

 

[DisGirlAllie]

I'm 12. My parents are divorced but are only five minutes away from each other. is all I can give. Now I know you mean well but you shouldn't be wishing something horrible would happen to him. I'm sure you are a wonderful and amazing mother and have handled it well. But imagine how your DS feels. Take a minute and think. Just think. Now think about your statement

honestly wish something horrible would happen to my ex.

every child needs their father rotten or not. If he something horrible were to happen to him remember the feeling your DS is feeling now. Now times that by a 1,000x That's how your DS would feel. to you and you and your DS are in my prayers.

 

[ktink]

I can very well relate to your situation as I had a dad that was very much like your ex. Luckily, I had a "step dad" that I call daddy to this day that raised me from the time I was 2. When I married my real dad asked me if he would be walking me down the aisle. I told him that my dad would be walking me down the aisle as he had done my entire life, through the good and the bad not just when it was convenient.

But let me warn you of this. When I was younger up until about the time that I married I could always find a reason to defend my bio dad. Your DS may feel some loyalty to him as he is his father. I know there were times that I knew my mom and step dad would take a bullet for me but for some reason I would take up for the other side. The only reason I'm mentioning this is because I have been in your DS's shoes. When I would take up for him I think I did it for my own good because I knew the reality of the situation.

Anyway, I think you are an awesome mom that very much loves your child. Hang in there, I know how frustrating it can be to deal with such dead beats. They are so clueless to how they are treating the child and actually walk around thinking they are dad of the year. Don't let that get to you, consider the source and know that even though this may try every ounce of stregnth that you have... You are the ONLY person that your DS can rely on.

 

[lovemygoofy]

That would be my greatest wish... but in his twisted brain, my ex really believes that he loves my son! Of course, this is the man who got DS's name and birthdate tatooed on his arm to show his "love" for him... at a time when we literally didn't even have enough money for diapers. That was "love" to him. He is the mistake I will live to regret for the rest of my life... but at the same time, if I hadn't been so incredibly stupid as to marry him, I wouldn't have my son -- and my son is truly amazing. He is the very light of my life.

You know, I even left parts of this tale out, for the sake of length. I didn't mention the time DS and I drove an hour to meet up with him several years ago, and my ex was too hung over to wake up and show. Or the time I let DS go stay with him when he was about 4, and my ex didn't show up at the meeting point to give him back. I have never, ever been so scared in my whole life. He said he wanted to "keep him for a few weeks." It took my father and the threat of police to get him to bring DS back.

I wish I could have done better by my son in the father department, or I wish I had been able to meet someone special by now who was willing to take on that role. But a few weeks ago DS came out of nowhere to tell me, "I love you double-much, Mom, because you've been a mom *and* a dad to me."

I think I'm going to go hug him again right now. Thanks again, you guys, for being so nice. It feels so weird to me to be this free with my feelings here on the DIS, but I think I'm glad I did.

I know that would have been too easy but I just wanted to at least throw it out there. I am sorry that you are having these problems and maybe in his own weird way your ex does love your son and just doesn't know how to show it.

My real dad never acknowledged me at all. We all lived in a very small town and everyone knew everyone and about everything. I have been in the same room with him and had people(new people who didn't know) comment on how much we look alike and he NEVER say a word to me. I'm 30 years old and never spoken a word to my real dad. I guess it's better to know that you aren't wanted at all then to have the weird rejection/lack of responsibility that your son faces with his father. Big hugs for him.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am so sorry....you need a big .

I agree.

Is there a possibility (if he pushes this) that you could go back to court? I ask, because your son is probably old enough to talk to a family court judge about how things have been with his father in the past and what HE wants as far as visits.

I applaud you for trying to maintain an impartial attitude towards your son about his father. As much as it pains you, you are doing him a HUGE favor by not making him feel defensive and worse about his father.

I wish you luck with it, I know this song and dance is played out far too often...

 

[Gina]

I agree.

Is there a possibility (if he pushes this) that you could go back to court? I ask, because your son is probably old enough to talk to a family court judge about how things have been with his father in the past and what HE wants as far as visits.

I just don't want it to come to that point, because I have tried so hard to shield my son from all of it. And I don't think my ex would really push it, honestly. Because even though child support and visitation are considered completely separate issues, he knows that I have a whole lot more on him than he has on me. I would play my trump card at that point and demand every last cent I have spent on insurance and demand a raise in cs at the same time.

Now I know you mean well but you shouldn't be wishing something horrible would happen to him. I'm sure you are a wonderful and amazing mother and have handled it well. But imagine how your DS feels. Take a minute and think. Just think. Now think about your statement

Quote:
honestly wish something horrible would happen to my ex.

every child needs their father rotten or not. If he something horrible were to happen to him remember the feeling your DS is feeling now. Now times that by a 1,000x That's how your DS would feel.

You sound like an amazing 12 year old, Allie. That was a really thoughtful answer you gave! But all I can say is that my son has never really known his father. We have been on our own since my son wasn't even 2 -- and his father has remained pretty much uninvolved.

And I have to respectfully disagree that every child needs their father, or any parent who isn't looking out for them like they should. Fathering a child is just a matter of biology -- it takes a lot more to be a dad. That's why we don't have a word in Sicilian for "stepfather." If you step up to the plate, then you're a dad, period.

 

[DisGirlAllie]

I just don't want it to come to that point, because I have tried so hard to shield my son from all of it. And I don't think my ex would really push it, honestly. Because even though child support and visitation are considered completely separate issues, he knows that I have a whole lot more on him than he has on me. I would play my trump card at that point and demand every last cent I have spent on insurance and demand a raise in cs at the same time.




You sound like an amazing 12 year old, Allie. That was a really thoughtful answer you gave! But all I can say is that my son has never really known his father. We have been on our own since my son wasn't even 2 -- and his father has remained pretty much uninvolved.

And I have to respectfully disagree that every child needs their father, or any parent who isn't looking out for them like they should. Fathering a child is just a matter of biology -- it takes a lot more to be a dad. That's why we don't have a word in Sicilian for "stepfather." If you step up to the plate, then you're a dad, period.

True vey true. Every child needs a father. But he, however, is most definately NOT the defination of a father. You are an amazing mother and remember that always. Especially in times like these.

 

[poohandwendy]

I just don't want it to come to that point, because I have tried so hard to shield my son from all of it. And I don't think my ex would really push it, honestly. Because even though child support and visitation are considered completely separate issues, he knows that I have a whole lot more on him than he has on me. I would play my trump card at that point and demand every last cent I have spent on insurance and demand a raise in cs at the same time.

Yeah, I was only thinking if he presses the issue. Probably pretty unlikely, given his track record.

{{{HUGS}}} This too shall pass. I promise.

 

[Poohnatic]

Gina,

I sure wish I lived nearby to give you that hug in person and to bring you a bottle of wine and an ear to listen, sweetie.

You are an AMAZING mom. You've been mom AND dad to your son. It is obvious in these posts how much your son means to you and that you do everything to make sure he's happy. That means so much more than some ink on an arm.

If push comes to shove, I'd contact your state's department of Children and Families (or whatever Texas's division is called) and see about what resources are available to you. Many lawyers do Pro Bono work for this division of government and could sit down with you and give you good advice for dealing with your ex.

You had every right to lose it on the man. To not be around for the better part of 11 years and then ASSUME he's getting every other week visitation? Make that phone call as soon as you get a chance. You'll probably be surprised at what the law has to say about a dad who is in arrears trying to strong arm visitation.

Suzanne

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I'm sorry Gina. Divorce sucks in so many ways.

I've been divorced for five years now and my ex has very little do to with his daughters. They're older now, and they talk all the time about how he means nothing to them, and that my husband (their step-father) has been more of a father, than their own dad.

My ex has always been great about child support, but he's done some things that have made us scratch our heads. The most recent being, he built a $500k house, a Range Rover - and cancelled their dental/vision care, saying that he couldn't afford it.

He rarely calls or sees his two biological daughters, but recently informed them that they had to both write a letter to their new adoptive brother (who doesn't even exist yet). Apparently, if they don't receive a child through the avenue their on now, they're going for private adoption. I wonder if that child will have dental insurance????

You had every right to "lose it". I would have lost it long before you! It seems that you've handled it all with grace. And I don't think your ex really wants your son every other weekend. He was probably on some sort of emotional high and thought it would be fun to be daddy. I'm sure reality will slam back into him soon enough.

 

[Lady V]

I'm 12. My parents are divorced but are only five minutes away from each other. is all I can give. Now I know you mean well but you shouldn't be wishing something horrible would happen to him. I'm sure you are a wonderful and amazing mother and have handled it well. But imagine how your DS feels. Take a minute and think. Just think. Now think about your statement
every child needs their father rotten or not. If he something horrible were to happen to him remember the feeling your DS is feeling now. Now times that by a 1,000x That's how your DS would feel. to you and you and your DS are in my prayers.

no offense but you are 12 years old. You really can't understand what this mother feels. I know you are about the same age as the child and you mean well but I really don't think a 12 year old can or should understand what a mother feels. and definately should not be telling an adult what they should or should not be feeling. jmho
But I did want to add that I do think you are a very sweet 12 year old!!

 

[java]

Nothing to add except another I'm sorry.

 

[mmcguire]

I'm 12. My parents are divorced but are only five minutes away from each other. is all I can give. Now I know you mean well but you shouldn't be wishing something horrible would happen to him. I'm sure you are a wonderful and amazing mother and have handled it well. But imagine how your DS feels. Take a minute and think. Just think. Now think about your statement
every child needs their father rotten or not.

No offense DisGirlAllie, I also think your comments are incredibly thoughtful for a 12 yo, but I have to respectfully disagree. Every child does NOT need their father, rotten or not.

I was 12 when my parents seperated. My father was always cruel and hateful to me (called me fat, accused me of eating things that I didn't, never had a kind word). He NEVER paid child support or alimony (was $80K in arrears at last count). When I was 16, my mom had had surgery, was desperate, and my brother & me had to spend the summer with him.

He was living in a crappy rent house with a 20 year old who had just had a baby by another man. They had some old guy living with him that would sit on the couch and roll joints in front of my 12 year old brother and me. Thank GOD I was dating a boy with a car and he would rescue me from that hell hole for most of the day.

My father fled this state 14 years ago as a fugitive of the law because he argued with a judge, and then didn't show up for his next court date about the unpaid child support/alimony. I haven't seen his face since, and have never been happier. My brother and I are now both responsible adults, happily married, each with two children. My father has not seen any of them.

NOBODY needs a father like that, and it doesn't sound the OP's son needs one like the OP's ex. Some people are useless pieces of crap, have nothing positive to give to the world, and the best they can do is stay OUT of everyone's lives.

OP -- you could probably get your ex's visitation rights taken away if you tell the court about the girlfriend pulling the knife, the other girlfriend's suicide. This kind of history definitely shows that your ex is irresponsible in the company he keeps, and does not provide a safe environment for your son.