I feel like my life is falling apart

[Leajess99]

I've been crying almost every day and dealing with this for OVER a year (more drastic now). Had gut feelings something has been wrong for 4-5 years. I feel like I'm gonna go insane (want depression medicine but afraid he will try to use that against me). I've had numerous talks with DD so she knows it's not her fault. QUOTE]

If you need the medicine than please get it as most Judges are understanding. It would look worse if you are refusing to get the help you need.

I am sorry you are having to go through this as well. Also, there are so many good guys out there so please do not feel as though you will never be happy again. I have friends who have remarried and are so much happier now than they were with previous husband.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I don't really have much to say, but wanted to wish you luck. These will probably be hard times for you, but you are making a healthy choice for your whole family. You can't change him, you can only decide what's best for you and your children. You have the power to change your situation, and that's a pretty amazing thing.

If your dad offered...take him up on it. Where would we all be without our friends and family? Don't think too much about your age, or what people will think. It will be nice to have an extra pair of hands, especially because your children are so young.

Good luck...I wish you all the best.

 

[brockash]

Im sure your dad wants to help you and the kids anyway he can. Take his help and move into his home......until you can get on your feet and sort things out.

Take Care

ITA. Things happen, oh well if you're almost 30 and have to move back in with you Dad for a little while. The big picture is you're doing what's best for yourself and your KIDS. You'll get on your feet and you'll make it work and will be able to have more of the life you want, but yes I agree, be thankful you have family support and do what you have to do.

 

[torquelover]

Just wanted to say don't worry about being a single Mom. You'll do just fine out with the kids. Moving back in with your Dad is not a bad thing. If anything, the next few months will be kinda hard, and it will help having family around. Your young children will benefit from this more than you will.

We have a busy schedule, since my DW is no longer a stay-at-home Mom. She is now working full-time, is in school full-time, and is even doing a practicum as well. So, most times I feel like I'm a single Dad, because she is never there. If I adapted, I'm sure you can, too.

BTW, guys can change. I was a heavy drinker for years, stopped drinking beer and went to straight hard alcohol every night. Once I found out I was going to be a Dad, I quit drinking. Sober since 2003. I'm sure there are many others out there as well.

I hope everything works out for you and the kids. You're still young, and the kids are just now starting to become who they will be when they grow up. Give them a good shot, and don't forget about yourself, either!

 

[GoofyTraci]

I am so sorry that you ladies are going thru things like this. I am a single mother and once thought I couldnt not make it on my own. But I did. I dont regret leaving my ex husband I am a better person and a better mom to my son because of it. You will have more time to focus on your children and doing whats best for you. Like other have said you cannot change him and if he has been acting like this for years he isnt going to stop now. you and your children deserve the best in life and they know something is not right in your home wihtout you having to tell them.

Move in with your dad and file for support. there are many attorneys that will make arrangements with you. I paid very little down and payments each month till I could pay it off. There are some offices that will take cases on for free.

Regarding the medicine I work in healthcare and people seem to think that if you take meds for depression you are weak or to not talk about it. That is just not true. People that take medicine for depression is just like taking meds for heart conditions and diabetic. Dont flame me peeps...it is true it is a disease. and it is ok to ask for help and get that help so you can be the best mom you can be.

Please let me know if you have any other questions. Pm me if you want to talk. I have been in your shoes and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am not at all telling you to leave your husband I am just saying for you to do what is right for you and your family.

feel better you are not alone..

and to the other poster I am single and I have a psycho ex husband but people still date me.

 

[T. Lynn]

and to the other poster I am single and I have a psycho ex husband but people still date me.

Thanks for making me laugh and sharing that. I was afraid it would deter someone away.

 

[bumbershoot]

If you need the medicine than please get it as most Judges are understanding.

On the other hand, if the depression is coming from the relationship problems, once she takes the next couple steps, that depression could lift like a veil, no medications required.




RE: the counselor's silliness...although I've gotten terrific help from a counselor, and hubby got incredible help and then we, together, got amazing help from a couples counselor...not all counselors are great.

My dad saw someone back when I was in elementary school. Dad disappeared for about a year. When we heard from him again, we found out that his therapist had told him that we were "using" him, we were taking him for granted...that WE needed to call HIM. So he just waited until we called.

Yeah, um, we were, oh, 8 and 6. Something like that. Not.Our.Responsibility. Was lovely, having the therapist think it was the kids' problem.

So not all counselors are great.

 

[mlynn]

1st I want to say hugs to you.

I have been where you are. If your father overs you his home it's because of love. Take it. Why does it matter your 30 living at home. It will be a sober home for your kids.
I threw my husband out Oct.07.Big thing happen with my family. His drinking was out of control for way to long and this was the last straw!! I HAD to get my kids out of that life style. Depending on what he drank affected his mood(never hit us! But words are sometimes worse)My kids came 1st!!!!!!!!!!!!!My husband couldn't believe I put him out. He went to AA on his own.Then he asked me what happen(didn't remember at all, never did after a drunk night)After a month I let him move back in and he has been sober since.He chose his children and me over it.
I bought this book and it helped me ALOT!!!http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Rocks-Learning-Yourself-Alcoholic/dp/0932194176/ref=pd_sim_b_12

 

[GoofyTraci]

Thanks for making me laugh and sharing that. I was afraid it would deter someone away.

No problem any time. I am always here. The whole psycho ex husband thing actually makes people understand why you are not with them anymore.

Have a good day and PM if you ever need to talk.

 

[kymmyk13]

I know you must be going throught a tough time. Please do not feel bad about taking help from your father, you need to do what is best for you and your children. I grew up with an alcoholic father (he was a wonderful father and I loved him to death) but he did cause turmoil in our lives. I did not realize how it would make a difference in my adult life, when you grow up in that environment. My mother consistantly threathened to leave but never did. Please do what is best for your family and don't be afraid to take help.

 

[hugabearjo]

I am 10 years out of a simular situation. I can remember the days of wondering what to do. I will tell you and I know I didn't want to hear it at the time but, it really will get better. Take the help from Dad, or where ever it comes and make yourself and kids strong.

Looking back, I had no choices and it appears neither do you. I am stronger and okay and my kids are great. You and yours will be too.

Please take care, I will be praying for you and the others on here who have shared that they are hurting right now too.

Take care-
Jo

 

[Emma's Dad]

Let me start off with sorry about the situatioan, hugs to those needed.

Not all of us guys are jerks. I feel your pain, have a close friend that went through some tough seriuos junk with his ex. They almost got remarried but he came to his senses. I understand that marriage doest work out for all so I wont say all can be fixed.

I do want to state one thing but I afraid that I will be single out as a holly roller. I will any way only because I think its has become a root to this country failing. I never see anyone talking about prayer or going to to see their preacher for help. I used to not go to church but after going for awhile we see that even though our marriage has had its ups n downs, church and beliving in christ has helped. Not saying this is the case for everyone but I do believe that a failure to rely on him will always leave you empty. A must watch movie is fireproof, it might help some understand.

I wish you the best and I will pray for you.

MR IG

I would also like to preface my post, as I'm sure there will be those that disagree with what I have to say (and may even be offeded). I am sorry that you have to go through these pains and sorrows. I am sendings hugs and prayers your way!

This post really caught my eye because DW and I have been through similar issues (because of me), though not as drastic as the OP. It got so bad that I was starting to look elsewhere for a place to live and we were getting ready to call lawyers. All this... after 15 years of marriage.

Our lives did not turn around until we found our way back to God and church. Seriously. I tried a number of things to try to "fix" me, but in the end I had come to realize that our relationship was not working because I was broken and the only person who could fix me was Jesus Christ... a personal relationship with Him. And until your H is ready to admit he is broken (and not everyone else), then neither he or your marriage will be able to begin the road to recovery.

My DW and I also recently watched the movie Fireproof and I have to say that the movie hit very close to home. Unfortunately, there are many marriages out there that are going through the same or similar situation over and over again and the saddest part about it... most of those families are too stubborn to even consider watching a movie like this. How can one man change so many lives? Watch the movie and you'll start to understand.

Sorry this post is long. But if you found an answer to a life-long problem, wouldn't you want to share it to?

I, too, am praying for each of you. God bless you and your family.

 

[crisi]

But it does take two to make a marriage. Letting God lead you, or getting therapy or or anything else that might help will not help if its a one sided deal. You can't make someone else treat you with respect, you can't make them watch a movie and have them change because of it, or go to church and have it be a meaningful experience.

The only behavior you get to control is your own - you only get to react to your spouses. If his behavior is unacceptable and he is unwilling to change it (and has proven that past promises are meaningless when it comes to changing the behavior), you need to either learn to accept it or leave.

I'm not big on people lowering their standards to accepting unacceptable behavior, but other people have different value systems.

 

[badblackpug]

But it does take two to make a marriage. Letting God lead you, or getting therapy or or anything else that might help will not help if its a one sided deal. You can't make someone else treat you with respect, you can't make them watch a movie and have them change because of it, or go to church and have it be a meaningful experience.

The only behavior you get to control is your own - you only get to react to your spouses. If his behavior is unacceptable and he is unwilling to change it (and has proven that past promises are meaningless when it comes to changing the behavior), you need to either learn to accept it or leave.

I'm not big on people lowering their standards to accepting unacceptable behavior, but other people have different value systems.

Yes, I agree 100%. The only person you can change is you.
I agree with the above posters. Go to your dad's. Find a good counselor. If your husband agrees to go with you, great, if not, too bad for him. You will benefit from counseling with or without him. ...and don't forget the kids, they will need some help with this transition, too. Maybe with some time and distance things will look better.
The thing to remember is that kids model their adult lives after what they see growing up. Think if your husband is the type of spouse you would like for your daughter, or if he is the type of spouse you would like your son to be?
Find a good divorce lawyer. Often the initial consultation is free. Go to the county courthouse and file for child support. You don't need a lawyer for that.

 

[*Toadstool*]

I agree that a person can not change another person. God can change people. A praying woman is a powerful thing.

 

[crisi]

I agree that a person can not change another person. God can change people. A praying woman is a powerful thing.

God doesn't change people who don't want to change - he gave us free will. Even if a praying woman asks him to.

 

[*Toadstool*]

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…" (Psalm 37:5-7a, NIV)

 

[badblackpug]

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…" (Psalm 37:5-7a, NIV)

You are making the assumption that those involved are christian. I am not, and the OP has not said she is, either.

Religion is an intensely personal thing.

While I respect your right to worship how and whom you please, praying for her husband to come around is not a practical solution in the interim. While it will never hurt, it may not be the real world strategy that the OP needs right now.

OP, as for your husband's sobriety, though he may not be drinking, he hasn't really accepted "recovery" per se. Recovery is about changing your entire life, your attitudes, not merely about avoiding the substance that you abuse. By accepting alcohol, instead of just fessing up to the friend that he no longer drinks, makes me think he may not be as sober as you think.

When my ex and I split, I thought my world would end. I was confused, anxious, and overwhelmed, but things work out. Though I was devastated at the time, when I look back on it, I realize that I am better off without him. Not that it didn't hurt (and on some level, still does) but time does, truly, heal all wounds.

 

[Tillikumtrainer]

from what i understand you and your hubby have been going through all sorts. But just look forward to being with your kids.. as hard as that can be, your a strong person, life is tough.. nothing is ever easy..Im sorry about your and your hubby. But if you have support from your family then your going to be okay. Dont you worry, you'll be back on your feet before you know it.


If you seek help spiritual or other its up to you. You're the one who's going to take the first step in the path of life. But whatever you chose know that even we are here to support you.. *hugs*

 

[T. Lynn]

I wish I could be there to give OP a hug because my heart goes out to her deeply! A damaged heart is hard to mend.