I don't want to go

[Feralpeg]

Other than biologically, he was never a father to you. Go on the trip with your family and enjoy.

 

[gshanny]

I was told I needed to go to my mom's funeral. We had a troubled relationship for most of my life. We had cut ties completely about 5 years before she died. I didn't want to go either. Family pushed, so I went. I still resent that I was pushed into it, 17 years down the road.
Everyone has a different experience in life with family. Only you know exactly what it was like. I say decide what feels best for you, and only you. You will be the one that lives with the decision in the end, so make it your choice. You can't be upset with anyone else down the road for forcing you to go when you didn't want to.

 

[Buckeye218]

I would vote for not going to the funeral and going on your planned trip. I haven't seen or spoken to my biological father since 1990 and my step-father was a poor excuse for a replacement. I can't say I would go out of my way for either eventual funeral, planned trip or no.

 

[Carol_]

Send flowers. Have the kids sign the card. Be the better Dad that you are and make good memories.
ETA: oh, and forgive him for what he did. That’ll be the hardest part. Try.

 

[anniemae]

I am sorry that you are in this lousy situation. Personally, I would not go. I would do the road trip with your family and make memories for those boys. I would, however, at a later date make a trip to the grave, bring a flower basket and have a private moment to say whatever it is you need to say and to visit with his current wife. I would also make a donation to an organization that may mean something to him, or to a battered women's shelter or to a place that helps single mothers. Include the family in the decision, it may help your son to do something positive. Whatever you decide is the right thing, there really is no wrong choice.

 

[gary1955]

I am all for discussing it. However, the wife and the son cannot understand what it is like to live with an abusive parent, being helpless in a situation to see one parent abuse the other. Unless they have lived through it, and even then not two people are alike.
To me the OPs feelings are worth more than his wife and son. In these situations it easy to get talked into something, as your emotions are all over the place. If the wife cannot understand the point of view of the OP and only wants to go because that's what you do, or because the son wants to go, that's not a good argument.

For those who say 'for who would you go'. Even in these circumstances you can go, with no one to talk to, it can give closure for yourself. There is something definitive at being at the funeral.

I viewed it from the standpoint that the wife and son were aware of the family history and have expressed a desire to attend. that seemed to suggest that they had fair to good relations with the deceased father's second family and attending would be an expression of support towards them. I see from the OP later post that seems to be the case.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

To be clear, I think you should go,

I've changed your mind. Having read your OP more closely, go on vacation. Screw that guy.

 

[Pink Partridge]

His current wife is amazing and it would be for her that I would go.

She will understand.

 

[Travel60]

Don't go. Live for your current family.

Edited to add: a friend faced similar. The only time her father contacted her as an adult was to ask for money or try to sell her something. Never met her husband or kids. When he died she was named executor of his meager estate. She settled it and split it with her sister. With her share she bought new rugs. She said he walked over people his whole life, it was fitting to walk on him in death.

 

[crazylady]

I think you should not go to the funeral and enjoy the trip. If you or the 8 year old feel the need for some closure, you can have your own little ceremony or memorial somewhere along your trip.

.

 

[anniemae]

I think you should not go to the funeral and enjoy the trip. If you or the 8 year old feel the need for some closure, you can have your own little ceremony or memorial somewhere along your trip.

.

Yes. We did this one year when an Aunt died unexpectedly while we were on vacation and could not fly back easily. We stopped at a church and lit a candle, said some prayers and bought some items in the little shop that supported the church to remember the day. then we took a long hike to a beautiful scenic vista (this Aunt loved hiking and photographing scenery). It was the best we could do.

 

[MamaLema]

I’m sorry you are in a hard spot. My advice is to trust your instinct.

 

[EACarlson]

I'm writing this from Mitchell, SD. As of this morning I still had heard nothing so we packed up the car and left for our vacation. About 6 hours into the drive I received a text from my step mother informing me there was no funeral, family only was invited to the burial in the family plot on the reservation followed by a feast. We sent our apologies that we could not make it as we had a non-refundable vacation planned that we had already left on. I told her I would get together with her when I come into her town in a couple weeks. She seemed ok with it.

 

[disykat]

So glad you are on your vacation. Enjoy!

I loved the post above that said something to the effect of honoring your dad by being the dad he couldn't be and making memories together. Even the worst lessons someone teaches us have value when we rise above them.

 

[fly girl]

@EACarlson, enjoy your vacation!

 

[Judique]

I'm writing this from Mitchell, SD. As of this morning I still had heard nothing so we packed up the car and left for our vacation. About 6 hours into the drive I received a text from my step mother informing me there was no funeral, family only was invited to the burial in the family plot on the reservation followed by a feast. We sent our apologies that we could not make it as we had a non-refundable vacation planned that we had already left on. I told her I would get together with her when I come into her town in a couple weeks. She seemed ok with it.

Seems like it has worked itself out. Take care of yourself and your family. All the best for you and them. And I am heartened that you have a place in your heart for your stepmother - follow up on that feeling and give her your support when you return to her town. Everybody does not have a cookie cutter perfect life and upbringing, but it seems as if you have risen above and are a great father and husband. No regrets.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

That worked out really well. It will give you time to think things through a little more and maybe do something nice for your step mother, and in your father’s memory. I think @Carol_ above had a good point about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t for him, it’s for you, and helps you let go of the negative feelings you have associated with him. The one thing he did give you was a greater appreciation for what it means to be a good father to your own sons. I wish you well.

 

[rwdavis2]

Skip the funeral.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I would take that trip and enjoy it. Your wife is likely just thinking you may have some level of guilt after the fact for not attending. But funerals aren't for those who have passed. They're for the family they've left behind. If you're not a part of that unit, then I don't believe you should feel any guilt for not attending.

 

[kuhltiffany]

Sounds like you said your goodbyes a while ago and have make your peace. No reason to go, unless there is someone there you want to make contact with...