I don't want to go

[EMom]

I’m going to speak from personal experience. A very close relative died. Obviously, we were expected to attend the funeral. The problem? Relative had done something so horrible that I don’t think ANYONE here would forgive them. And only a few of us knew about it. But knowing the truth had, and still does, torment me.

I felt it would be hypocritical to attend as a mourner. And worst of all, people who genuinely cared about me but didn’t know the awful truth, would be giving me their condolences and offering comfort. I couldn’t stand to fake that and act as if it was a terrible loss, because it wasn’t. And the thought of hearing a eulogy singing Relative’s praises was too much to endure.

So I shocked everyone and didn’t attend. I made a feeble excuse. I wish I’d had a family vacation to blame my absence on. Go on your trip and enjoy the family which actually loves and cares about you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It sounds like there will be more resentment that this is interfering with your long planned trip with the family you love (and are there for), on top of a lot of resentment that you already hold toward this man who happens to be your father (but who didn’t do much to earn your love and respect), to begin with. Kind of ironic that he wasn’t really there for you and your family, yet you’re expected to drop all of your plans for him; for this. I don’t blame you for entertaining the idea of not going.

There could be a compromise, couldn’t there be? A nice basket for his wife along with a note explaining your (conflicted) feelings toward him, worded very sensitively? (I bet @cabanafrau and @ronandannette would do a swell job with something like this, great writers that they are!) You could show that it’s not that you don’t care; it’s that you’re choosing to create a better legacy with your own sons now, as others here have mentioned, but will hold this man and his family in your thoughts in the coming days, etc. Something to think about. Your wife and kids could support you in that, as well.

One of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed was a fight break out during a funeral service. My friend whose family this was was horribly humiliated that everyone who’d come to support him had to see this disaster that was his family play out in real time. Sometimes it really is better to not go. I do wish you well with whatever you decide.

 

[unrequited23]

Being the adult child of an estranged, alcoholic parent is not a fun situation to be in and though a lot of people can empathize not all can relate. My heart goes out to you. It is ok to just be done and not do what you 'should' do.

 

[DLgal]

There is no rule saying you have to go to ANYONE'S funeral. In your shoes, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't spend another minute thinking about it.

Enjoy your trip with your family. Those memories will be cherished for the rest of your life.

 

[robinb]

Funerals are for the living. I would go if I had a relationship with his wife or their kids for them. Otherwise, I would skip it.

 

[toesmom]

My father died yesterday and I don't want to go to his funeral. I'm supposed to be leaving tomorrow morning for a week long roadtrip with my wife and two sons to South Dakota. We have a full week planned out that we've been looking forward to for almost a year now. I don't know how many more of these trips we are going to get to have.
My father left my mother with a black eye and walked out the door when I was three months old. I didn't see him again until I was 9, we had something of a relationship until I was 15 and did the math. He married his current wife three weeks after drunkenly beating my mother and walking out of my life. I would hear from him occasionally, he sobered up, I helped coach the little league team that one of his three adopted kids played on, but we were never close. When I had my kids I gave him the opportunity to be as involved in their life as much as he wanted to be. For the first year we'd see him once every couple months. Then the times between got longer. I think I've seen him once in the four years since I moved from MN. My eight year old remembers him, but I think my five year old has only seen him twice and couldn't pick him out of a lineup. I'm having a really hard time figuring out what is best for my family here. My eight year old wants to go to the funeral, my wife thinks we should go, but I don't want to.

Go with your family on your road trip.
There is no right answer, and don't feel guilty, he was just some man, he never acted like your father. I would stay away from anything to do with him. Enjoy your road trip and don't look back
I wish you well, have a nice time

Knowing what you know about him, it would be a bad precedent to go to his funeral. Someone like that does not need to be honoured, crappy things he did in his life. Ask your wife if you did those things to her, would you want your sons to go to your funeral. She would say no

 

[CGB]

This decision isn't about him; it's about you. Regardless of what you decide, your children will see it as an example. You're the one who has to look in the mirror at night and accept your own choices. Sometimes it takes mountains of strength to do what we feel is right in our hearts.
Just my .02. Good luck with your decision.

 

[John VN]

EVEN if I was on good terms, I don't think there is some consciousness in the dead that would be upset if I did not attend so I would enjoy life (vacation) with my LIVING FAMILY.

 

[fly girl]

OP, you are the only one in your family who should have the final say. I understand completely having your wife voice her opinion, but she needs to respect your thoughts on this -- it is your father. (As for your son, I like that he was able to say his thoughts, but he's only 8 so his opinion doesn't count.)

My big question to you is, would you have gone to the funeral if this vacation wasn't planned? Is the vacation the sole reason you don't want to go?

My guess it isn't, but you have to really ask yourself this. If the vacation is the only reason, you run the risk of ruining your trip by feeling guilty.

If you knew in the back of your head all along when this day came that you didn't want to go to his funeral, then don't second guess it. Go on your trip and enjoy. Say goodbye to him in a way that you feel is fitting, not what others dictate you should do.

Just do that soul searching to make sure you aren't talking yourself into not going/going.

Good luck with whatever decision you choose.

 

[kymom99]

I kind of feel like if you had a place at the funeral, his family would have discussed arrangements with you. Then you could have talked about possibly having a memorial service at a later date. But assuming you were not consulted, then your role is that of a guest paying your respects to the family, not as a participating family member. In that case, as others have said, send something to the wife if you are on those terms, and go on with your life. Visit the cemetery later if there will be a grave. There are no time limits on paying respects to a deceased person

 

[EACarlson]

If your first instinct is to not go, don’t go. He’s not your father. He’s just a man. Don’t let some weird guilt make you think you have to go.

He was my father, he was not my dad. My eight year old and I had that discussion a couple weeks ago before we knew how close my father was to death.

Who would you be showing up for? His other wife, his stepkids? Do you have an ongoing relationship with them? If not, then send condolences and go on your trip.

His current wife is amazing and it would be for her that I would go.

I went to my dad's funeral. He wasn't nearly as bad as the way you described your dad. He did have good characteristics but he was a grumpy old man and I felt like the funeral was a white-wash, giving his life a fairy-tale perspective that just didn't exist, and it didn't set well. He had been married four times, and the fourth time was the charm -- so I went to honor her, and all she had had to put up with.

OP, why does your 8-yr-old want to go? Is it because he's never been to a funeral before, or because he doesn't understand the full picture? Why would he want to sit through a mtg full of white-washed memories when he could be making new memories on vacation?

I asked him that this afternoon, he said it just felt like something we should do.

However, the wife and the son cannot understand what it is like to live with an abusive parent, being helpless in a situation to see one parent abuse the other. Unless they have lived through it, and even then not two people are alike.

I never saw it, I was too little. I heard about it from multiple sources later in life that he beat both my mother and his first wife.

OP, you are the only one in your family who should have the final say. I understand completely having your wife voice her opinion, but she needs to respect your thoughts on this -- it is your father. (As for your son, I like that he was able to say his thoughts, but he's only 8 so his opinion doesn't count.)

My big question to you is, would you have gone to the funeral if this vacation wasn't planned? Is the vacation the sole reason you don't want to go?

His opinion absolutely counts, it's not going to the only thing factored into the decision but it will be factored in.

If we didn't have something else planned we would be going without a question. If we had something minor planned we would still go. But I really don't want to throw this trip away after everyone has been looking forward to it for almost a year because of the death of someone that couldn't be bothered to call on the kids' birthdays for the last 5 years.

I think I've made my decision, it's going to depend on when and where the service is going to be. I'm scheduled to leave town in 16 hours and I haven't even been told what state it will be in. If the funeral is Sunday in Minneapolis we will probably go and then just miss one day of our vacation, not too much of a deal. If it's Monday-Thursday in Minneapolis we probably won't go, but my wife may talk me into it. If it's Friday or later we will probably go, we were going to leave Rapid City on Friday morning anyway. If the funeral is going to be on the reservation in Norther Wisconsin, I don't think we are going unless it's Friday or later. I'm not going to miss three days of my vacation for him.

Thank you all for your opinions.

 

[brockash]

My father died yesterday and I don't want to go to his funeral. I'm supposed to be leaving tomorrow morning for a week long roadtrip with my wife and two sons to South Dakota. We have a full week planned out that we've been looking forward to for almost a year now. I don't know how many more of these trips we are going to get to have.
My father left my mother with a black eye and walked out the door when I was three months old. I didn't see him again until I was 9, we had something of a relationship until I was 15 and did the math. He married his current wife three weeks after drunkenly beating my mother and walking out of my life. I would hear from him occasionally, he sobered up, I helped coach the little league team that one of his three adopted kids played on, but we were never close. When I had my kids I gave him the opportunity to be as involved in their life as much as he wanted to be. For the first year we'd see him once every couple months. Then the times between got longer. I think I've seen him once in the four years since I moved from MN. My eight year old remembers him, but I think my five year old has only seen him twice and couldn't pick him out of a lineup. I'm having a really hard time figuring out what is best for my family here. My eight year old wants to go to the funeral, my wife thinks we should go, but I don't want to.

I mean if you only had to cut a day or so from your trip; I would probably try to readjust and go, but if not and in your case, I really wouldn't feel bad for not going...he wasn't really a parent to you etc.

 

[Colleen27]

I'll join the chorus pointing out that funerals are for the living. If you don't feel the need to be there, either for yourself or to support other loved ones, there's nothing wrong with skipping it.

My grandmother and I were very close. She was my "daycare" when I was young, my after-school care and ride to activities when I was school age, and I was one of her caregivers as her health declined. She died the day my family and I were scheduled to leave for Disney. After talking to my mom and brother, I made the decision not to cancel the trip to attend the funeral. It wasn't what my grandmother would have wanted - she had Alzheimers, but the last conversation I had with her was lucid and involved her giving me mini M&M containers full of change for the kids to make pressed pennies with - and my mom and brother both felt strongly that it would better honor her memory to go have fun with the kids, since her kids, grandkids, and great-grands were her greatest joy. So that's what I did. Some of the extended family gossiped a bit about me not being there, but you know what? It was mostly those who weren't there for the years when Grandma was homebound and lonely, so their opinions didn't matter a whole lot to me. And I've never regretted not going. My mom & brother had each other to lean on, so no one was grieving alone, and the kids and I remembered her as she was - a woman who, even with advancing dementia, made sure to carry on a tradition she started when it was my brother and I collecting pressed pennies on family vacations.

 

[Cheburashka]

I disagree with the off-quoted phrase, "funerals are for the living". A funeral's primary purpose is actually to honor the life of the person who has just died. It's a way of showing respect. The fact that most people don't actually enjoy attending funerals is one illustration of this- funerals weren't created for enjoyment. It's why heavily grieving mourners still drag themselves to funerals, no matter how badly they feel: they want to pay their respects to a loved one who died.

That is also one reason why people who were very mistreated by a person in life often pointedly choose not to attend that person's funeral, even if it would please other living people who they care about. They don't want to honor the dead person who abused and/or abandoned them by attending the funeral.

 

[neverlandsky]

Keep the trip. Life moves on. My suggestion, you could do a ballon release with your wife and sons while on your trip so they have closure.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[Moliphino]

Keep the trip. Life moves on. My suggestion, you could do a ballon release with your wife and sons while on your trip so they have closure.

No no no, please don't release balloons! That can cause tons of environmental issues.

https://balloonsblow.org/

 

[China Expat]

Don't go.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I think you should say goodbye to your father by creating better memories as a father yourself. In your shoes (it's really hard for me to picture -- and I'm so sorry), I would go on my planned family trip with no regrets.

 

[ronandannette]

I kind of feel like if you had a place at the funeral, his family would have discussed arrangements with you. Then you could have talked about possibly having a memorial service at a later date. But assuming you were not consulted, then your role is that of a guest paying your respects to the family, not as a participating family member. In that case, as others have said, send something to the wife if you are on those terms, and go on with your life. Visit the cemetery later if there will be a grave. There are no time limits on paying respects to a deceased person

Good point, very good point.