I don't want to go

[china mom]

Very sorry for your loss.

I have no idea what the right thing for you to do would be, however I would put some serious thought into your choice for a few reasons. First, this is a deeply emotional circumstance for which you have only this opportunity. Two, your wife whom I presume knows you very well thinks that you should go. Three, not only does one of your children want to go, but your children are watching and learning from what you do and how you handle this.

Whatever you decide I hope it's the path that gives you the most peace about the situation, and that you find a way to demonstrate healthy closure for your children. I have no idea what that is, but I wish you all the very best.

I respectfully disagree. I think the OP made it pretty clear that this is not a deeply emotional circumstance for him.

My Mother lived with me and I cared for her up until she died in my home. I did not have a funeral for her. I had her cremated and the ashes mailed to one of my brothers. No emotion, no scars, no regrets.

When my brother died (different brother) i received a text while on vacation. I continued my vacation with not a care in the world. I have no idea what happened to his remains. I guess whatever the state does with unclaimed remains is what was done.

People who have good relationships with their families have a hard time relating to those of us who had toxic relationships with ours. Just because there is a shared DNA does not men that there is a relationship.

BTW, even DH didn't understand me. When my mother died, I had to fake tears so that he wouldn't think that I am monster - maybe I am but I'm OK with it.

 

[Minnesota!]

If you need the closure, or to just get everything off your chest to him in his casket - go.

If you are good, then don't. The trip you have planned sounds way more therapeutic...

Hang in there, either way.

 

[Skywalker]

I might have a weird outlook in funerals. But I don't see a point in saying goodbye to a dead body. Especially if your not close to the guy. Usually a funeral is for comfort and family greving together for support.

Do you need this support? Or do you just feel guilty if you don't go?. To a guy who legit made your life worse what do you owe him? He has other children and a new wife who will have family there that may or may not know what you been through. People will come up and say they are sorry for your loss but do you feel loss?.

Tldr: go if you need support, don't go for guilt. Enjoy the trip with the family you care about.

I would say it's not just about receiving support but also giving it. Would your presence there comfort someone in the family? Would it help your son?

Also just for clarification is it just because of the conflicting family vacation that gives you pause about going? Would you otherwise have gone?

Its complicated for sure and I'm sorry you are dealing with it.

 

[jen7233]

A hard thing to decide for sure, since everyone handles difficult parental relationships differently. It's hard to say what going may or may not mean to you personally. Consider what it would mean to you or those that you care about to go, and also what it might feel to not go, although either case hard to predict. Go with your instinct.

 

[cabanafrau]

I respectfully disagree. I think the OP made it pretty clear that this is not a deeply emotional circumstance for him.

My other lived with me and I cared for her up until she died in my home. I did not have a funeral for her. I had her cremated and the ashes mailed to one of my brothers. No emotion, no scars, no regrets.

When my brother died (different brother) i received a text while on vacation. I continued my vacation with not a care in the world. I have no idea what happened to his remains. I guess whatever the state does with unclaimed remains is what was done.

People who have good relationships with their families have a hard time relating to those of us who had toxic relationships with ours. Just because there is a shared DNA does not men that there is a relationship.

BTW, even DH didn't understand me. When my mother died, I had to fake tears so that he wouldn't think that I am monster - maybe I am but I'm OK with it.

As I said, I don't know what the OP should do. I merely outlined some things to consider. The reason I said there is only this opportunity to make the choice is with the idea that whatever choice is made it should be done in a way to ensure there are no regrets in the future that OP is left with. I know someone personally that drew a line during end of life and the funeral decisions and is still torn about the choices they made more than ten years later. IMO OP should make the choice that feels peaceful, which should allow them to go forward comfortable in their choice. I also think the children should be given an understanding because they are watching and learning.

Respectfully, you inferred a lot of things from your experience into my words. I didn't give the answer from the perspective of what my choice would be, or even what my view on funerals in general is. When we lost my father we chose cremation with no funeral because none of us wanted one. We have no regrets.

 

[Orion Nebula]

Personally I wouldn't go and I also wouldn't feel guilty over it. Obviously your relationship wasn't "great" and he wasn't a good person. I don't think he even deserves your time, not to mention it would take time away from your loving family. The trip and the memories that it will create are way more important in my opinion.

 

[Darcy03231]

I wouldn't go. I'd take with trip with no regrets.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Who would you be showing up for? His other wife, his stepkids? Do you have an ongoing relationship with them? If not, then send condolences and go on your trip.

 

[ramee]

Seems the trip is marred by this situation if you choose not to go to the funeral. The memories of the trip would be linked to that decision. Not that it has to be a bad thing. Therapeutic as a pp said. But expectations might have to change. Sorry about the timing. I also wondered if you’d go to the funeral if you didn’t have other plans.

 

[ronandannette]

Who would you be showing up for? His other wife, his stepkids? Do you have an ongoing relationship with them? If not, then send condolences and go on your trip.

I was thinking something along these lines too. As has been mentioned, funerals or memorial services are for the benefit of those grieving a loss. If the OP and his own family have and want to continue having a relationship with his father’s wife and children, consideration should be given to that. I myself would go under those circumstances. If they all are not part of each other’s lives I would not. It benefits no one and they might not even be particularly welcome.

 

[wenrob]

I might have a weird outlook in funerals. But I don't see a point in saying goodbye to a dead body. Especially if your not close to the guy. Usually a funeral is for comfort and family greving together for support.

Do you need this support? Or do you just feel guilty if you don't go?. To a guy who legit made your life worse what do you owe him? He has other children and a new wife who will have family there that may or may not know what you been through. People will come up and say they are sorry for your loss but do you feel loss?.

Tldr: go if you need support, don't go for guilt. Enjoy the trip with the family you care about.

So much this. Don’t do what other people think you should do. Do what you feel is right for you.

As a wife who gently nudged her husband to reconcile with his father I feel I did more harm than good. I do not want him to have regrets but what ended up happening is his dad just solidified all the reasons DH chose to end the relationship. Instead of giving him peace it opened fresh wounds. I learned to leave it alone after that. I guess what I’m saying is your wife probably feels the same, she doesn’t want you to hurt by having regrets. If you feel that you won’t have any then you need to express that to her.

At eight I don’t think your son knows how traumatizing a funeral can be. If you choose not to go this is your opportunity to teach him how to say goodbye in a different way. The two of you can find a quiet moment in a nice place on your trip to say a private goodbye.

We are so conditioned to think funerals are the only proper way to get past losing someone. IMO it’s an archaic and morbid tradition. More and more people are choosing to forgo them. There’s nothing wrong with you choosing not to participate. Whatever you decide I hope it brings you peace.

 

[Pooh2]

Go to South Dakota and make spectacular memories for your kids.
The best way to make up for a lousy childhood is to make sure your kids don't have that legacy.

 

[billlaurie]

I agree with others who say don't cancel your trip. Go without guilt and make lasting happy memories with your own children, something your father never gave you.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

go on that trip - and give your children the wonderful childhood that you deserved. No regrets.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I went to my dad's funeral. He wasn't nearly as bad as the way you described your dad. He did have good characteristics but he was a grumpy old man and I felt like the funeral was a white-wash, giving his life a fairy-tale perspective that just didn't exist, and it didn't set well. He had been married four times, and the fourth time was the charm -- so I went to honor her, and all she had had to put up with.

OP, why does your 8-yr-old want to go? Is it because he's never been to a funeral before, or because he doesn't understand the full picture? Why would he want to sit through a mtg full of white-washed memories when he could be making new memories on vacation?

 

[mrsstats79]

This is a hard decision. I would say not to go if you won't regret the decision later. Probably your wife has a good relationship with her family and she thinks you should go as that is what she would do. I will be dealing with this situation something in the future as my DH has not spoken to his mother in 6 years (since his father died) and he will have to decide if he will attend her funeral or not. I ask him all the time if she dies tomorrow do you have any regrets and the answer is always no.

 

[Cheburashka]

My father died yesterday and I don't want to go to his funeral. I'm supposed to be leaving tomorrow morning for a week long roadtrip with my wife and two sons to South Dakota. We have a full week planned out that we've been looking forward to for almost a year now. I don't know how many more of these trips we are going to get to have.
My father left my mother with a black eye and walked out the door when I was three months old. I didn't see him again until I was 9, we had something of a relationship until I was 15 and did the math. He married his current wife three weeks after drunkenly beating my mother and walking out of my life. I would hear from him occasionally, he sobered up, I helped coach the little league team that one of his three adopted kids played on, but we were never close. When I had my kids I gave him the opportunity to be as involved in their life as much as he wanted to be. For the first year we'd see him once every couple months. Then the times between got longer. I think I've seen him once in the four years since I moved from MN. My eight year old remembers him, but I think my five year old has only seen him twice and couldn't pick him out of a lineup. I'm having a really hard time figuring out what is best for my family here. My eight year old wants to go to the funeral, my wife thinks we should go, but I don't want to.

If you don't want to go, don't go. This is not your wife's decision, and your 8 year-old is probably best shielded from the drama & family politics of this funeral, anyway.

Naturally some other people will urge you to attend, suggesting that you'll regret it later because after all, "he is your father". Most of those people will have had basically sound relationships with their fathers (perhaps with a wrinkle or two), and therefore do not really share your perspective.

My father was not a good father to us when he was around, and then moved across the country and dropped out of our lives when I was a teenager. When he died a few years ago (after re-establishing contact with my younger brother in the last year of my father's life), I did not get involved or attend the funeral. I don't regret that- on the contrary, I'm glad that I stayed true to myself.

I can't comprehend the gall a parent must have to mistreat and abandon their child, and then decades later, expect to resume a relationship. If the child wants to, fine. But the parent has no right to expect that, and onlookers shouldn't pressure the child back into it, even in the form of dutifully attending a funeral.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

OP, why does your 8-yr-old want to go? Is it because he's never been to a funeral before, or because he doesn't understand the full picture? Why would he want to sit through a mtg full of white-washed memories when he could be making new memories on vacation?

I was wondering about this too. An 8 year old wanting to go to a funeral and missing out on a year long planned vacation, seems strange to me. Since you and your kids werent close to your Dad, I don't see the point.

I would be going on my vacation!

 

[gary1955]

my $0.02.

I think it is all in the OP last sentence. his wife and son think they should go, so they should discuss it and decide.

his father's actions unilaterally destroyed his family. I'm not saying that this one event is as pivotal point in the OP family but that is the place to start.

and then there is a phrase that you hear a lot from husbands that are in the dog house for one reason or another "I should have listened to my wife"

 

[Karin1984]

my $0.02.

I think it is all in the OP last sentence. his wife and son think they should go, so they should discuss it and decide.

his father's actions unilaterally destroyed his family. I'm not saying that this one event is as pivotal point in the OP family but that is the place to start.

and then there is a phrase that you hear a lot from husbands that are in the dog house for one reason or another "I should have listened to my wife"

I am all for discussing it. However, the wife and the son cannot understand what it is like to live with an abusive parent, being helpless in a situation to see one parent abuse the other. Unless they have lived through it, and even then not two people are alike.
To me the OPs feelings are worth more than his wife and son. In these situations it easy to get talked into something, as your emotions are all over the place. If the wife cannot understand the point of view of the OP and only wants to go because that's what you do, or because the son wants to go, that's not a good argument.

For those who say 'for who would you go'. Even in these circumstances you can go, with no one to talk to, it can give closure for yourself. There is something definitive at being at the funeral.