I don't want to go

[EACarlson]

My father died yesterday and I don't want to go to his funeral. I'm supposed to be leaving tomorrow morning for a week long roadtrip with my wife and two sons to South Dakota. We have a full week planned out that we've been looking forward to for almost a year now. I don't know how many more of these trips we are going to get to have.
My father left my mother with a black eye and walked out the door when I was three months old. I didn't see him again until I was 9, we had something of a relationship until I was 15 and did the math. He married his current wife three weeks after drunkenly beating my mother and walking out of my life. I would hear from him occasionally, he sobered up, I helped coach the little league team that one of his three adopted kids played on, but we were never close. When I had my kids I gave him the opportunity to be as involved in their life as much as he wanted to be. For the first year we'd see him once every couple months. Then the times between got longer. I think I've seen him once in the four years since I moved from MN. My eight year old remembers him, but I think my five year old has only seen him twice and couldn't pick him out of a lineup. I'm having a really hard time figuring out what is best for my family here. My eight year old wants to go to the funeral, my wife thinks we should go, but I don't want to.

 

[Meglen]

I might have a weird outlook in funerals. But I don't see a point in saying goodbye to a dead body. Especially if your not close to the guy. Usually a funeral is for comfort and family greving together for support.

Do you need this support? Or do you just feel guilty if you don't go?. To a guy who legit made your life worse what do you owe him? He has other children and a new wife who will have family there that may or may not know what you been through. People will come up and say they are sorry for your loss but do you feel loss?.

Tldr: go if you need support, don't go for guilt. Enjoy the trip with the family you care about.

 

[Karin1984]

This is your father, your say should weiigh the most in this. Even when your 8 year old remembers him. You have lived through all the worst times, that outweighs the few happy moments your 8 year old had with him. In my opinion.

My father died a recovering alcoholic. I had little contact with him, we were rebuilding our relationship after a 7 year absence period (on my request). My father had a girlfriend when he died, and her children and grandchildren got to know my father in a different way then I did. They got to see my father as the happy funny guy he was. I also have got the bad moments in my mind. I didn't realize this, till I saw the girlfriend and her family at the funeral. That is one of the most complicated things I had to learn to live with. I am still not sure if it was good or bad if her family was there and that they could say their goodbyes as well. But all we could do at that moment was make the decisions that were best for us (me, my mother and my brother). There was no room to think about other people in the moment.
Of course this is different, because we were all adults, and you have a kid to think about, which complicates things.

Yes, there is only going to be one funeral and there is no second chances to make up for it. But if you feel in your heart you do not want to go, then you have every right to not go. That is alright.

All the best to make this decision.

 

[Lady Gaga]

After reading your post, I personally would not go.
My views are much like Meglen's - I, too, don't see a point in saying goodbye to a dead body - especially when you have had such a strained relationship with your father.

Go on the road trip with your family and make some loving, wonderful memories with them -- with no regrets of skipping the funeral.

 

[Jennasis]

Don't go.

 

[holden]

Funerals are for those left behind. If you don't feel the need to grieve with others, I'd say skip it. Create new memories with your family. Think of it as honoring what a dad is - someone who loves his kids and spends quality time with them.

 

[Makmak]

Go on the trip with your family. You will have more resentment/regret if you miss that based on your post. I have a feeling your wife wants you to go because she’s afraid you’ll regret it later if you don’t. Not all of us have a Hallmark relationship with our dads and that’s OK.

 

[lynxstch]

Sorry for the loss. You don't need to go to the funeral to mourn him in your own way. You choose whatever decision is right for you, and one you won't regret farther down the road.

 

[720L]

I hate funerals. I think you should go on your trip. I can't see regretting not going to a funeral.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

So sorry for your loss.

Don't feel bad about not wanting to go to the funeral. My wife absolutely hated going to her mom's memorial service. She says she doesn't want one of her own when she dies. To be clear, I think you should go, but don't feel guilty about not wanting to.

 

[MamaMermaid]

I'm sending you lots of love - this is a really tough situation. Go with your gut.

 

[KittyKitty]

Send your regards, and go on the trip.

 

[Kitty 34]

Funerals are for the living. Say bye to your father the way you feel you should. Maybe watching the sun set over a ridge in South Dakota.

 

[NYCgrrl]

No advice just sorry for your pain.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I personally hate funerals and do not see the point. They do nothing to make me feel better. When my mom passes my sister and I already said we are not doing a funeral and an after party where everyone tells us how wonderful she was. We already know that.

My sister, husband, and I all agreed we do not want a funeral for us. The kids know where to spread our ashes.

OP, go enjoy your vacation. Spend time with your family and reflect how you learned from your father how not to act, and while you are thankful he gave you life, attending his funeral is not a necessity.

 

[Pink Partridge]

My father left my mother with a black eye and walked out the door when I was three months old.

Have fun in South Dakota! I am so jealous. Sounds like an amazing trip.

 

[cabanafrau]

Very sorry for your loss.

I have no idea what the right thing for you to do would be, however I would put some serious thought into your choice for a few reasons. First, this is a deeply emotional circumstance for which you have only this opportunity. Two, your wife whom I presume knows you very well thinks that you should go. Three, not only does one of your children want to go, but your children are watching and learning from what you do and how you handle this.

Whatever you decide I hope it's the path that gives you the most peace about the situation, and that you find a way to demonstrate healthy closure for your children. I have no idea what that is, but I wish you all the very best.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I might have a weird outlook in funerals. But I don't see a point in saying goodbye to a dead body.

You and me both. When my grandmother was still alive, I made the 8 hour round trip to see her every 6 weeks. She was an amazing woman. I loved spending time with her.

When she died, I did not attend her funeral. A lot of gasps and gossip about me amongst our family (mainly cousins) because I didn't come to see her dead body in a casket.

Um, many of the people who went to the funeral lived in the SAME TOWN and didn't visit her in years. Years. Yet they came to her funeral and judged me for not coming? No thanks. I don't want to mourn with the likes of you. I have my memories of wonderful times spent in person with my grandmother. I don't need to see a chemically preserved dead body to show I cared.

In the case of the OP? Never would I attend. I would go make fabulous memories with my family.

 

[Donald13]

If your first instinct is to not go, don’t go. He’s not your father. He’s just a man. Don’t let some weird guilt make you think you have to go.

 

[Meriweather]

I wouldn't go.
Go on your trip and have a good time