I caught my teen smoking! update post 68

[The Mystery Machine]

I am sorry you thought I was "snarky", that is not my nature. I was just answering your question. I am just very upset by this situation and was not not my intent to be snarky at all.

She has some money from allowance and previous family gifts.

I understand and I know this is new to you and a complete shock. So naturally you are going to believe her story of "the bus". It may be true, but I let's face it, why even try to believe it.

If she has cash in her possession she is probably buying them on her own. I mean cigs are expensive and well I imagine most kids are going to charge for them.

You will get thru this.

 

[sigh]

Alot of people smoke to self medicate so to speak. I might try talking to her counselor or psychiatrist. Also depression and anxiety somtimes, not always go hand in hand. That could also be part of it. I would be upset no doubt about it but I think catching the root of the problem before she gets hooked is key.

I agree, I believe anxiety is an issue for her as well.
This is something that will definitely be brought up during her counseling sessions.

 

[Angelhalo]

Sounds to me like she wants attention that is why she is "always messing things up" and smoking. Sounds like the smoking and the "messing things up" are her ways of getting your attention. Perhaps she is jealous of your younger child and the fact the younger child has a father who cares about her and is there all the time. Even if your new husband cares about the older daughter its still not the same as having your real father there to support you. All of these things most likely have a hand in the depression. I would work on fixing the emotional issues first possibly through counseling before worrying tooooo much about the smoking issue. Its possible that once she feels happier and more secure, the smoking problem will correct itself.

 

[bunny]

I was a teen smoker and so were my brother and sister. Our parents do not smoke. We didn't have emotional issues. It was just cool. If you were part of a certain crowd, almost everyone smoked. I only smoked occasionally. When I went to college, however, I smoked about a pack a day. Beer and cigarettes go together quite well. After I got married (when I was 25) I quit. My brother quit when his wife got pregnant and my sister quit around age 30.

I don't have any suggestions, but I will say smoking isn't the worse thing that can happen. Hopefully when she matures she will realize it isn't really cool. It stinks and makes your teeth yellow. And worst of all, it can cause you cancer. Maybe she is just trying to fit in. And I don't think taking things away will make her stop. She will just do it when you aren't looking.

Although I do agree that cigs are alot more expensive now than they were 20 years ago. Yikes!

 

[C.Ann]

I started smoking as a teen - way back when none of the health issues or addiction issues were even mentioned.. (I'll be 60 in the fall..) The most a doctor or anyone else would say is, "Well - you could end up with pneumonia if you catch a bad cold.." (Not a very horrendously scary way of getting a person to stop..)

Back then many, many people smoked - even throughout pregnancies.. Women were allowed to smoke in their rooms with their babies present - without so much as a word of "caution"..

By the time the dangers were publicized - as well as the addiction factor - it was far too late for many people.. They were 100% "hooked"..

Point being, I wish someone could have found a way to make me stop - although I don't know "what" that "way" would have been.. Please do everything and anything you can do to get her to stop NOW.. It's not easy quitting upmteen years later..

Good luck!

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[C.Ann]

Make her smoke a whole carton in front of you at once.

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DO NOT DO THIS !!!!! Nicotine in a massive dose such as that is FATAL!!!!!

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[powellrj]

We have gone through this with both of our DSs. They were both very anti smoking when they were younger. Both were very active in the schools Just Say No and the whole bit.

That changed when they both started running around with kids who smoked. My oldest started because the kids he worked with got to take smoking breaks at work in addition to their regular breaks. Being the 16 year old he was, he figured if thats how you get an extra break or two, I'm in. When he joined the Army, I was shocked that everyone around him smoked. You would go outside the MEPS and it was full of kids smoking. He was able to quit during basic and never started again.

The one that really shocked me was my middle DS. He was so anti smoking in middle and early high school we just KNEW he would never smoke. Being around smoke made him vomit. We were the primary care givers for his grandfather who died of lung cancer. Guess who started smoking about a month after his grandfather died. Yep, the school called and he was suspended for smoking on school grounds. We were shocked to say the least. I talked to the vice principal who said I would be shocked at who smoked at his school. Once I started really cracking down on him, I was shocked at who smoked among his friends. Many of his good church friends were the heaviest smokers. He is no longer smoking now, but one of his roommates next year in college is a smoker so I hope that he can remain a non-smoker.

I have no advice except to say that its a huge problem. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and her DD is taking pre-med in college and very active in her youth group and you guessed it, she is also a smoker. I can't blame my DSs friends because this girl went to high school 2 hours away from us and DS has never met her. Its a problem all over.

 

[Shelton123]

From a teen: this is a teen's mentality. They do something they're not supposed to do. If you tell them that they an do it and they don't care, they'll stop. ACT like you don't give a crap. Tell her that if she wants to die it's her choice. Her fear of you not caring will make her stop ASAP! The thing is, we LOVE being cared about, and we LOVE attention, and we don't know that until someone who we (secretly) care about "stops" caring about us.

It just might be crazy enough to work.

 

[MoniqueU]

From a teen: this is a teen's mentality. They do something they're not supposed to do. If you tell them that they an do it and they don't care, they'll stop. ACT like you don't give a crap. Tell her that if she wants to die it's her choice. Her fear of you not caring will make her stop ASAP! The thing is, we LOVE being cared about, and we LOVE attention, and we don't know that until someone who we (secretly) care about "stops" caring about us.

It just might be crazy enough to work.

That's not always the case. My mom first tried grounding me then gave up. I have smoked mostly on since I was 15. I quit for about 4 years and went back to it due to stress and am doing much better while smoking unfortunately, I got hooked because I was self medicating nothing to do with my moms reaction or none reaction. Perhaps if I had some of my emotional issues properly dealt with at the time I could of avoided all this.

 

[Shelton123]

That's not always the case. My mom first tried grounding me then gave up. I have smoked mostly on since I was 15. I quit for about 4 years and went back to it due to stress and am doing much better while smoking unfortunately, I got hooked because I was self medicating nothing to do with my moms reaction or none reaction. Perhaps if I had some of my emotional issues properly dealt with at the time I could of avoided all this.

Did your mom actually TELL you she didn't care?

 

[MoniqueU]

Did your mom actually TELL you she didn't care?

Yes basically she did. She let me smoke in the car, bought me smokes and let me smoke in my room. It didn't work on me. I was hooked by then. Same thing with my DH and his parents.

 

[rie'smom]

Everyone I know smoked a a teenager. Today, maybe 3 still smoke.

 

[kafitty]

i know this is going to sound harsh, but it seems to me: if you smoke, you smoke. If you don't, you don't, or have had to work very hard to quit, and only did so after coming to the conclusion you needed to do so yourself.

fortunately, i've never enjoyed smoking, but i have plenty of friends who do. Most have been smoking since around 15 or 16, and even though they are definitely feeling the effects of it, they aren't committed to quitting. i have friends who have terrible, horrible asthma, and still smoke.

obviously i'm not advocating you giving up on her or anything, but i just wouldn't be surprised if this is something she continues doing, regardless of the consequence.

good luck!!

 

[Rence]

I don't think health consequences register with teens - you have to figure out what is important to her and emphasize how smoking can have and adverse effect on that.

Tell her if she wants to be a smoker - to be up front and prepare for the life of a smoker. Start with the money - smoking is addictive, once you start smoking you basically are sucked in to turning over a significant portion of your income to the tobacco companies for the rest of your life (or until you quit) - so to prepare her for the life of a smoker - have her pay you the cost of one pack of cigarettes per day - this way you are helping her budget her money so she can truely assess what her new hobby is going to cost her.

You say she is into sports - many schools have policies where athletes cannot smoke or if they get caught they are thrown off the team. If that's the case, tell her that she needs to be up front and tell the coaches that she is a smoker and quit the teams - I mean if she wants to be a smoker, be up front about it and face the consequences.

Make sure she understands how much smoking will shrink the dating pool. Lots of guys don't want to date a girl that smokes - so the pool of potential boy friends is going to get lots lots smaller.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I don't think health consequences register with teens - you have to figure out what is important to her and emphasize how smoking can have and adverse effect on that.

Tell her if she wants to be a smoker - to be up front and prepare for the life of a smoker. Start with the money - smoking is addictive, once you start smoking you basically are sucked in to turning over a significant portion of your income to the tobacco companies for the rest of your life (or until you quit) - so to prepare her for the life of a smoker - have her pay you the cost of one pack of cigarettes per day - this way you are helping her budget her money so she can truely assess what her new hobby is going to cost her.

You say she is into sports - many schools have policies where athletes cannot smoke or if they get caught they are thrown off the team. If that's the case, tell her that she needs to be up front and tell the coaches that she is a smoker and quit the teams - I mean if she wants to be a smoker, be up front about it and face the consequences.

Make sure she understands how much smoking will shrink the dating pool. Lots of guys don't want to date a girl that smokes - so the pool of potential boy friends is going to get lots lots smaller.

I've seen those tickers for people who have quit smoking and how much money they have saved. If they don't make a reverse ticker, maybe you could just use that one to show her how much is being spent on her habit, even if it's not her own money for now.

 

[golfgal]

First off, thank you for all of the responses so far.

To answer a few questions:
1. She got the cigs from a boy on her school bus. He offered and she accepted.It is not hard to get cigs for teens!
2. Darsa, when my dd was 13, she was completely grossed out and spoke out very strongly about smoking. That is one reason this has been somewhat of a shock to us.
3. She currently IS in counseling and will continue the counseling.
4. When I first approached her last night, I was honest with her, I told her I was angry about the smoking and told her I would talk her more later in the evening. About 2 hours later, after our younger daughter was in bed, my Dh and I talked with her in a calm and supportive manner. We reiterated how much we love her and are worried about this choice she has made. We tried to show support while at the same time conveying that this is not acceptable behavior. And letting her know she has lost many privileges.
5. She is an athlete, she plays volleyball and golf. She is also active in our church youth groups and mission trips.

Around here she would lose her eligibility to play sports if she were caught smoking--and parents turn their kids in sometimes. Maybe that might be a way to get her to stop. If nothing else, have her go run to get into shape right after she has smoked a couple and see how her lungs feel??

I see more and more teens smoking and the only thing I can think of as to why is that their parents didn't smoke so they never grew up in a house realizing how gross smoking really is.

 

[Pop Daddy]

just wanted to say a lot of kids do this, you shouldnt be embarrassed by it, it doesnt mean your a failure or anyhting, you didnt have to use a another user name, only if you knew what are kids do

 

[focusondisney]

Hi! Sorry you're going thru this. While I haven't had to go thru this myself or with my kids, as a health professional, I know how hard it is for people to quit. You might ask if she wants to quit & just can't do it on her own. There are patches or other methods she might find helpful. Maybe if she knows you'll help her quit, take her to the doctor, pay for patches, etc. she'll be willing to try to quit. Good luck to you, I hope you can get her to quit!!