I brought this on myself..how do I stop it?

[kimblebee]

I’ve had a really rough day so please, can we wait til tomorrow to take this thread on a twisted road?

I haven’t worked steady in about six months and yesterday I started back to work. I am working from home and the training is full time. Up until now, I was the one doing the cooking and the cleaning and the picking up (which is fine) but I accidentally created a monster. Or, monsters.

My daughter and husband will do something for me if I ask, but won’t take the initiative to do anything on their own. My husband does the garbage and recycling every Sunday and is supposed to empty and load the dishwasher when needed (I usually have to remind him). Now, I need them to do more since I can’t handle a full time job plus all the extras I used to do.

How do I get them to understand I need them to pick up the slack? I know people will say I have to point it out and tell them what I need them to do but, why? We are all adults. They have eyes to see the counters need to be wiped just like I do. I’m not needing things to be museum quality, but anything would be an improvement.

I’ve tried asking nicely, I’ve tried doing it all myself anyway, I’ve tried yelling. Things change for a few days and then they’re just back to the old ways. I don’t want to be a nag, but that seems to be the only way to get anything done. When I do that, I get hit with why aren’t you being nicer to me?

I’ve called a family meeting for tomorrow morning to explain that things need to change and to assign them a few more chores. I just wish it didn’t have to come to this..like I keep saying..you’d never do this at Grandma/my moms house. Why is it ok here?

So, besides going on a strike until the counters are dirty enough to be considered a buffet, what can I do to get some more help?

 

[jdb in AZ]

"If momma ain't happy, nobody's happy."
Instead of making assignments, tell them what needs to happen and ask them to figure out a plan of what they can do to help.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

No, you shouldn't HAVE to say, but maybe they don't know you're feeling so overwhelmed?

I wouldn't point out all that you need them to do at the meeting tomorrow or come with a list of chores. I would let them know how it affects you. I think that tends to come off less naggy, and makes some people understand it's a bigger deal than they realize.

 

[kimblebee]

"If momma ain't happy, nobody's happy."
Instead of making assignments, tell them what needs to happen and ask them to figure out a plan of what they can do to help.

If I left it up to them things would change for two days and then it would start to taper off.

No, you shouldn't HAVE to say, but maybe they don't know you're feeling so overwhelmed?

I wouldn't point out all that you need them to do at the meeting tomorrow or come with a list of chores. I would let them know how it affects you. I think that tends to come off less naggy, and makes some people understand it's a bigger deal than they realize.

They know how it affects me though. When I ask them to do something, they have no problem doing it. I want to cut out the middle man (me).

 

[ronandannette]

I’ve had a really rough day so please, can we wait til tomorrow to take this thread on a twisted road?

I haven’t worked steady in about six months and yesterday I started back to work. I am working from home and the training is full time. Up until now, I was the one doing the cooking and the cleaning and the picking up (which is fine) but I accidentally created a monster. Or, monsters.

My daughter and husband will do something for me if I ask, but won’t take the initiative to do anything on their own. My husband does the garbage and recycling every Sunday and is supposed to empty and load the dishwasher when needed (I usually have to remind him). Now, I need them to do more since I can’t handle a full time job plus all the extras I used to do.

How do I get them to understand I need them to pick up the slack? I know people will say I have to point it out and tell them what I need them to do but, why? We are all adults. They have eyes to see the counters need to be wiped just like I do. I’m not needing things to be museum quality, but anything would be an improvement.

I’ve tried asking nicely, I’ve tried doing it all myself anyway, I’ve tried yelling. Things change for a few days and then they’re just back to the old ways. I don’t want to be a nag, but that seems to be the only way to get anything done. When I do that, I get hit with why aren’t you being nicer to me?

I’ve called a family meeting for tomorrow morning to explain that things need to change and to assign them a few more chores. I just wish it didn’t have to come to this..like I keep saying..you’d never do this at Grandma/my moms house. Why is it ok here?

So, besides going on a strike until the counters are dirty enough to be considered a buffet, what can I do to get some more help?

I'm going to be fairly direct here, as somebody who has been through it. You're going to get lots of feedback about what they could be/should be doing and why they may or may not be. All of it will be highly-principled and will probably resonate. But understanding why on an intellectual level won't get the vacuuming done.

They are mature people and obviously intelligent enough to comprehend the need, and their obligation to it. If they don't buy in immediately, you simply need to decide whether or not you're willing to go to war with them over it. You will need to coerce, manipulate or force them into doing what you want them to, which of course will come with it's own set of consequences. Alternatively you will need to just let it go. Do what you can do, leave the rest - learn to live at an entirely different standard.

The choice for me was simple. I was expending more energy "making" mine pull their weight that it would have taken me to do it myself. I became everybody's boss and everybody's policeman. Relationships suffered all the way around (not the least of which was from my justifiable resentment) and nobody was happy. I don't do that anymore. Instead I sit amidst the dustbunnies and last night's supper dishes and enjoy a cold drink with DH or leave the laundry in the dryer while I go to a movie with DS. Not ideal on every level, but certainly better for us than the alternative.

I wish you all well.

 

[jevs]

They won’t take the initiative because up to this point they haven’t had to.

A family meeting is good if it is a calm, rational discussion. Don’t go in there stating ‘You don’t do ...’ ‘Why can’t you...’ etc. Instead, dumb it right down, explain you’re training/working full time and *we* need to get some routines in place. Ask everyone what kind of jobs they want to take on, use list, rotate chores etc.

Also any mention of extra money to do fun things always works well.

Good luck.

 

[1Mouse2RulethemAll]

I had to put up a white board where I list what I need done for the day.

 

[kimblebee]

I'm going to be fairly direct here, as somebody who has been through it. You're going to get lots of feedback about what they could be/should be doing and why they may or may not be. All of it will be highly-principled and will probably resonate. But understanding why on an intellectual level won't get the vacuuming done.

They are mature people and obviously intelligent enough to comprehend the need, and their obligation to it. If they don't buy in immediately, you simply need to decide whether or not you're willing to go to war with them over it. You will need to coerce, manipulate or force them into doing what you want them to, which of course will come with it's own set of consequences. Alternatively you will need to just let it go. Do what you can do, leave the rest - learn to live at an entirely different standard.

The choice for me was simple. I was expending more energy "making" mine pull their weight that it would have taken me to do it myself. I became everybody's boss and everybody's policeman. Relationships suffered all the way around (not the least of which was from my justifiable resentment) and nobody was happy. I don't do that anymore. Instead I sit amidst the dustbunnies and last night's supper dishes and enjoy a cold drink with DH or leave the laundry in the dryer while I go to a movie with DS. Not ideal on every level, but certainly better for us than the alternative.

I wish you all well.

Thank you. I do let a lot of things slide, but some just can’t, you know? I do agree with you, intellect doesn’t get the vacuuming done.

They won’t take the initiative because up to this point they haven’t had to.

A family meeting is good if it is a calm, rational discussion. Don’t go in there stating ‘You don’t do ...’ ‘Why can’t you...’ etc. Instead, dumb it right down, explain you’re training/working full time and *we* need to get some routines in place. Ask everyone what kind of jobs they want to take on, use list, rotate chores etc.

Also any mention of extra money to do fun things always works well.

Good luck.

I was planning on keeping my cool during the meeting, but, seeing as how I’m not a morning person...lol

I will try the we approach. I was going to go individually but I know that just sets up for hostility.

I had to put up a white board where I list what I need done for the day.

This is a good idea. I might have to go a day in advance though because my husband works nights so by the time my daughter is up and moving around, he’s gone to bed.

Maybe I’ll give them the choice of doing it this way, or having an assigned job to do every day. Everyone knows you give two options so they feel like they’re still in control when really they aren’t LOL

 

[Wendy31]

I had to put up a white board where I list what I need done for the day.

This is what I'd do.

You say they do things if they ask.

So, just at the beginning of the day, write a simple, easy-to-follow list of what needs to be done that day.

Keep it short. Keep it simple.

You can even assign tasks if you want & assign yourself some tasks so they don't feel like you're suddenly just dumping everything on them.

In addition to the daily stuff that has to be done (kitchen maintained, floors swept, garbage taken out, etc.), you could also designate specific chores for specific days:

Monday - 2 loads of laundry
Tuesday - dusting day
Wednesday - floors day
Thursday - bathroom day & sheets & towels laundry
Friday - 2 loads of laundry
Saturday - yardwork & grocery day

 

[Floridaman999]

This is a tough one. I don't have any experience in solving this type of issue but I do wish you luck and success in getting through it.

 

[dosekies]

I had to have this talk with my SO the other day and we don't even have kids. I've brought it up more times than I can imagine and the below comic FINALLY seems to have had an effect after I read it while almost in tears:

https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If you can figure this out, you'll be ahead of the rest of us!

 

[ZuZugal]

I've worked many full and part time jobs over the last 30 years, but my main job has been SAHM, so I completely feel your pain.

I noticed you said "my daughter and husband will do something for ME if I ask". Sister, it's not for YOU. It's for the family unit. Do not take full ownership of all of the chores. It needs to be "family" ownership; everyone makes the messes so the messes belong to everyone, not you.

And go from there.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have 5 kids and have been a SAHM for 22 years, my family has no idea how good they have it. I do all of the laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills, contractors, gift buying, appointment scheduling, garbage emptying, dishwasher loading/unloading, plant watering.. basically everything. I asked one of them to please feed the dog, she had no idea where the dog food is kept (it’s on a counter).

During the school year, I don’t mind because the kids have school/work/sports/Dance and are really busy. But breakscand weekends? I just got back from the dentist and now need to clean up the dinner I left for them. I created this monster, in 3 years they’ll all be gone (well, hopefully not DH). They will do anything I ask, but nothing if I don’t (I asked someone to wipe down the counters and table (which I do several times a day), and was asked “with what?” So I get it.

What I do for DH is make lists, that way I’m not nagging and he can do it when he wants to (he’s pretty forgetful). This works pretty well. No one sees the mess but me. If I went t work, I don’t think my family would do well, especially me, because I can see being resentful.

 

[lorimay]

Nope, speak up or forget it!
There are 4 adults in this house and an infant.
I am the stay at home wife, mom and grandma. If I can't get to it, it will just sit.........

 

[kimblebee]

If you can figure this out, you'll be ahead of the rest of us!

I knew I’d be amongst friends here lol

 

[NYCgrrl]

"I’ve called a family meeting for tomorrow morning to explain that things need to change and to assign them a few more chores. I just wish it didn’t have to come to this..like I keep saying..you’d never do this at Grandma/my moms house. Why is it ok here?"

Good start! Now write in advance what you want them to do and as pp stated make a list for all the adults and follow up the meeting one or two weeks later to ensure everyhting is and has been covered.
I prefer a weekly schedule so they can work other activities around the housework but that's about it.

Been a SAHM for short periods of my life (3 to 5 years max) but mostly a WM.

 

[kimblebee]

Thank you so much everyone! I’m getting some really good ideas and some things to think about too.

 

[kimblebee]

I had to have this talk with my SO the other day and we don't even have kids. I've brought it up more times than I can imagine and the below comic FINALLY seems to have had an effect after I read it while almost in tears:

https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

I was nodding my head the whole time. Wow, so accurate.

I've worked many full and part time jobs over the last 30 years, but my main job has been SAHM, so I completely feel your pain.

I noticed you said "my daughter and husband will do something for ME if I ask". Sister, it's not for YOU. It's for the family unit. Do not take full ownership of all of the chores. It needs to be "family" ownership; everyone makes the messes so the messes belong to everyone, not you.

And go from there.

You’re right, it’s not my responsibility to do all the chores, we’re all in the house together. Thank you for the gentle knock on the head lol

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Think about how this sounds.

Man. Sorry honey I love you but we're breaking up.
Woman. Why?
Man Because you didn't say that you'd marry me.
Woman Well you didn't ask.
Man Well you should have known and said it without me asking.

Silly huh?

Well it's no more effective expecting your spouse to wash dishes for you if you don't ask.
So when you want someone to do something, think about proposing. If you don't ask, they won't say yes. If you want somebody to do something, ask them.