I am shocked!

[Beastlover]

My DSD-21 went to visit her mom who lives in AZ with her mom and dad.
I talked to her yesterday, and she starts telling me that her and her mom have been fighting.
She tells me that her mom--HER MOM--looks at her sitting on the bed and says she can't believe it-she is ENCOMPASSED IN FAT!!!
They are looking at DSD's pics...mom sees that 2 of DSD's friends are overweight, too. Mom says....I see that your friends are fat, too? Is that why you hang around them? Because you have low self esteem?
This has been happening to DSD for the past year of visits with her mom. Probably 3 in all. Each time DSD comes back, and I talk to her mom on the phone to discuss issues about DSS (autistic/OCD) she brings up how FAT daughter is, blah blah blah.
I am biting my tongue, I don't want confrontation with her, and I don't want to bad mouth DSD's mom. So I haven't told DSD the comments that have been made to me about her.
Her mom is coming into town today, and I am sure I will see her. I am ready to snap with this woman.
Have you ever heard of a mother talking to her daughter this way? I am so upset for her!!
Yes, she is overweight, but I feel support in making the right decisions is the way to go, not that verbal abuse she is taking!!!
I snapped this last time...I told DSD--I would tell your mom that you are not going to be coming to see her until she learns some respect and human decency. I also tried to undo the damage a little...boosted up her self esteem. Tried to tell her, that is your mom, that is the way she is, that is the way she will always be.
Awful. Just awful.

 

[Serena]

Yeah, my mom was like that. One day I told her to get over it. Since I had never spoken to her that way, she actually listened and stopped mentioning it.

And it is awful. I'm sorry she had to listen that that mess. It's hurtful.

 

[Beastlover]

Yeah, my mom was like that. One day I told her to get over it. Since I had never spoken to her that way, she actually listened and stopped mentioning it.

That is great you stood up to her. My DSD has done that, and she just keeps going!!

 

[sweet angel]

That's horrible. Poor kid. Maybe you could say something to the mom in a non-confrontational way -- or have your DH say something to her? I don't think I could manage being non-confrontational...but that's me.

 

[kaylajr]

that is horrible

sorry your DSD has to deal with it

 

[OceanAnnie]

Beastlover, your DSD is lucky to have you! It means so much to have someone in your corner.

 

[Beastlover]

That's horrible. Poor kid. Maybe you could say something to the mom in a non-confrontational way -- or have your DH say something to her? I don't think I could manage being non-confrontational...but that's me.

I told DH about it (again) and he was crying for her. I told him that if she is going to shoot off her mouth again about DSD's weight, I was going to snap. Usually I sit on stuff, my mom always admired that about me. If I am still upset in the morning, then I deal with it. Well, there is no way around this. I am just waiting til she brings it up again.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

One of the best lines I know is "yeah, but I can lose weight; you're stupid [insert word of choice, LOL] and that can't be changed". Not something I'd recommend using all the time but in certain situations it's warranted... P.S. This probably won't help the situation with her DM but even thinking about saying it kind of helps a bit...

 

[Beastlover]

One of the best lines I know is "yeah, but I can lose weight; you're stupid [insert word of choice, LOL] and that can't be changed". Not something I'd recommend using all the time but in certain situations it's warranted... P.S. This probably won't help the situation with her DM but even thinking about saying it kind of helps a bit...

ooh...that IS a good one...I'll share it....

 

[nliedel]

Since this is your stepdaughter you may be seen as jealous or trying to parent. Your DH should be the one to talk to the mother.

 

[Beastlover]

Since this is your stepdaughter you may be seen as jealous or trying to parent. Your DH should be the one to talk to the mother.

ohh no, I have been LEFT to parent. She never wanted kids, she even told DSD that!! She used to live here by the kids. She moved to AZ 10 yrs ago. SHe even tells me that me and DH are her parents...not her. SHe is her mom, but I am the parent.

I am not going to confront her on this. I am saying I am going to wait until she spews it out to me. It is then that I will give her an ear full.

 

[Disney Doll]

Perhaps it is time to empower your DSD to tell her Mother, very calmly, that if she continues to bring up weight issues that she will not be visiting nor will she be welcome to visit.

Your DSD is an adult now, and her mother has no right to say anything to her that she wouldn't say to any of her own adult friends.

Sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves.

She is fortunate to have such support from you.

 

[Beastlover]

Perhaps it is time to empower your DSD to tell her Mother, very calmly, that if she continues to bring up weight issues that she will not be visiting nor will she be welcome to visit.

Your DSD is an adult now, and her mother has no right to say anything to her that she wouldn't say to any of her own adult friends.

Sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves.

She is fortunate to have such support from you.

Exactly. DH is going to talk to DD when she comes home. (After she left AZ, she went to TX to visit new boyfriend-I know what a send off from your mom..."you're so fat, but hey, have a great time with your boyfriend"...)

 

[sweet angel]

Does DSD want to lose weight? Maybe you can encourage her?

Is she happy with herself the way she is? If she's happy, and not medically obese and unhealthy, what difference does it make.

Don't we (well, most of us) always tell our kids it's what's on the INSIDE that matters?

She should ask her mom why it bothers HER so much!

 

[Beastlover]

Does DSD want to lose weight? Maybe you can encourage her?

Is she happy with herself the way she is? If she's happy, and not medically obese and unhealthy, what difference does it make.

Don't we (well, most of us) always tell our kids it's what's on the INSIDE that matters?

She should ask her mom why it bothers HER so much!

Yes, she wants to lose weight-70 lbs. Just difficult to motivate her. She has the mentality it is what is on the inside that counts. SHe is the most open minded person you'll meet.

I will pass your question on to her.

 

[sweet angel]

70 lbs is a huge goal. Maybe she could break it down. I know how hard it is to lose -- you're your own worst enemy! She sounds like a sweetheart -- don't let her mom get to her.

 

[Beastlover]

70 lbs is a huge goal. Maybe she could break it down. I know how hard it is to lose -- you're your own worst enemy! She sounds like a sweetheart -- don't let her mom get to her.

I know...I just came off losing 55 pounds...I have shared everything with her, to support her. I have shared with her how I did mini goals, and treated myself to little treats. We have stepped up and paid 1/2 of her Curves bills, pay for her groceries (she lives at home--college) and offered to give her cash at her 25 lb. lost mark)

I see that she is just not motivated. Other things are more important, and it is just not an issue for her. Just that her mom chooses to deal with it in just such a horrible way.

 

[sweet angel]

Aha! The key is that it's not an issue for her. If and when it becomes an issue, she'll take steps to change it. Like anything else (smoking for me right now -- target quit date is Monday), you have to want to change.

 

[Beastlover]

Aha! The key is that it's not an issue for her. If and when it becomes an issue, she'll take steps to change it. Like anything else (smoking for me right now -- target quit date is Monday), you have to want to change.

That is what I told her mom when she has told me these things. I say, she will lose the weight when she wants to. IMHO, it takes "that defining moment" something happens, and then you get motivated.
THat is what happened to me.

 

[Aimee K]

for DSD!

DSD's mother has called you the parent. That gives you the go ahead to protect your child. Sounds like it's time to have a discussion aboout how hurtful her comments have been.