I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[horseshowmom]

OP, you need to just tell him that you don't know what your brother's plans are and that you aren't going to ask since it's supposed to be a surprise (and keep repeating as needed). Tell him that since you don't know his schedule you can't make plans regarding the mountain trip and for them to go on without you (repeat as needed). Tell him that he expected you to understand about his family (on a much larger scale I might add), and the least he can do (and I do mean LEAST) is understand about yours (repeat as needed).

He was over the line before, but after 26 years of marriage I know that things can happen sometimes that you just have to deal with, but this is starting to look like he expects to tell you "Jump!" and waits to see how high. That is not okay.

I suspect he thinks his family is going to tell him that you're just pouting over the Orlando trip, and he doesn't want to hear it. This man is WAAAYYY to invested in what his birth family wants. We're glad that our daughter and her husband like to spend a lot of time with us, but we never place expectations on them. We ask if they want to do this or that, but we don't expect it of them (and we don't cause problems if there's a conflict - and aren't offended either).

 

[RadioNate]

Oh, but this is not acceptable to my DH, because apparently his family needs to know very soon (like next day...which is now today) so that they can make any changes to the mountain trip. Let me just say...I didn't have the voice or strength to argue with him over this...so I tell him to "just forget about it...I'll go with you and your family in the morning, then we can leave early and I'll still get to see my brother". But DH keeps drilling it into the ground. More texts, more pushing me to find out from someone in my family what my DB "schedule" will be...then he starts being mean and saying that it would "be almost rude to make his family change everything around if I wasn't even going to be seeing my DB the day of their trip to the mountains, and that they (he and his family) are trying to be "more than fair about things", that "they just need a little feedback from me and my family on trying to make this work"..... Can I just say that I'm exhausted from all of this? I am leaning towards giving up and just giving in to make them all shut up. After all of this I called my pastor and told him that as SOON as I felt better I needed to meet with him. I don't know what else to do.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! This is the behavior that got you in this mess in the 1st place. Trust me. BTDT!

Your answer is simply - "I will be seeing my brother on the 26th, what you and your family do is up to you but *I* will be with my brother on that day."

Period. Repeat, repeat repeat........

Now frankly, I hate the surprise visit. Let's pretend that you didn't know about it and brother comes in the 25th. Let's pretend that you had planned on being at the mountain on the 26th...would you bail on the mountain trip? Or go and be upset that you couldn't see your brother? My MIL is into surprise trips and it really screws up my life. So unfortunately, about that I'm with your DH. Just call your brother and ask his plans. What if he has plans to see friends or "not you" on the 26th? Then you anger DHs family and still don't see your brother.

 

[SnowWhite607]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh you are so sweet to think that, and I have to thank you for such a nice thought (even if it is the most unrealistic thought I've entertained yet). You must have a truly amazing family and DH who is very good to you to wonder such a wonderful thing As much as it would be wonderful for this to be the case, it is not. But thank you anyway for such a romantic idea.



Asking my MIL anything about that trip will do me absolutely no good at all. I'm pretty sure that DH made his choice based upon the way that his mother and brother acted towards him and even to the point of making him feel guilty for having a trip to go on (regardless of what it was for). That is what I'm getting from it anyway. DH says he would "feel bad" for leaving his family to do all the work while he took time away, even though the trip was over half paid for. Yes, he did make this decision without me, because he KNEW that I would not be happy about it, or give in to what he felt like he needed to do. No, it wasn't right. He SHOULD have sat down with me and at least told me that he had been thinking of canceling, instead of just "telling" me what "we" were doing. Do I think his mother and brother had any influence over him in making this decision? YES. Did they come right out and ASK him to cancel this trip? I'm not sure, but I don't THINK so. I could be wrong. Trust me, at the rate this is all going, I'm certain that sooner or later I'll get around to finding out. In the meantime, I am doing my best to not point the blame at his mother, but just be friendly towards her, since I'm not really sure what the cause of all of this really is. I can't just point my finger at her and say it's all her fault, when I'm not sure.




Yes, I suppose I could do this. But honestly, how is doing this going to make the situation any better at all? Right now I just want to get to the bottom of everything, and find some answers to my questions. In the meantime, I have no reason to take all of this out on my SIL who is having another baby in Oct, who already has her hands full with a 7 1/2 year old and a 2 year old (who she is trying to potty train right now). I like my SIL, and I want her to have a nice shower. It's not her fault that my DH is acting the way he is.




See my above response to a PP. I am not certain that my MIL did ask my DH to cancel.


Okay friends, well I'm stuck with a yucky cold right now, so I'm not feeling 100%. I didn't feel up to going to church this past Sunday, but I DID get in touch with my pastor and I am setting up a time for me to go and meet with him alone, to discuss what is going on, and how to handle things with my DH. I am certain that my pastor will talk to both of us together at some point, but right now I just wanted to meet and tell him how I'm feeling. On top of feeling bad, my DH is adding just a little more fuel to the "fire" this week. Let me explain: My older brother who lives in CA is supposed to be coming home to visit next month. My brother rarely gets a chance to come to SC to visit all of our family, so it's a very big deal when he does. Now, I'm not really supposed to know about his coming, as it is usually a surprise, BUT, my niece (my older sister's only child who is only 3 years younger than I am) has told me, because she knows that I want to plan on seeing him as much as possible while he's here. He usually only gets to stay for just a few days when he comes, and it's been about 4 years since he's been home last. Now, DH knows that he's supposed to be coming in on the 25th of next month. Well, DH's family takes a day trip up to the mountains every year, and this trip is usually in Oct when the leaves change, HOWEVER, this year, his family has decided that since my SIL is due in Oct, they would take the trip on the last Sunday of Sept instead. On the 26th of Sept. Okay, so before I knew which weekend my brother was coming in town, I already made it as clear as I could to my DH, that I MAY NOT BE GOING on the yearly trip to the mountains with his family this time. Only because if my brother is coming in town that weekend I would like to see him and spend time with him. I do not think that this is being unreasonable. When my niece told me that my DB would be coming on the 25th, and I told DH the date and that I would not plan of me coming with them to the mountains, he seemed to be understanding, and agreeable. Yesterday, I get a call from my DH asking if I am definatly planning on seeing my brother on the 26th (the day after he gets in, and the day his family is planning on going on their mountain trip). I tell him that yes, I am. DH then proceeds to tell me that his family wants to know if they need to change the date of the mountain trip so that I can be able to go to. Yeah, sweet right? Oh no. Not as sweet as it sounds. I try to tell DH (and keep in mind that I'm sick, and I have a bad sore throat, and hardly any voice at all) that there is no need for them to do that, that I will simply have to miss this year. Well apparently that's not good enough, and I start getting text from him saying that I need to find out what my brother's "schedule" will be when he's here...that I need to "compromise" and either the two of us (myself and DH) can drive separately so that we can come back early if we need to, to see and spend time with my brother, or his family can try to reschedule the mountain trip to a different weekend, just so that I can go too. Which is ridiculous, because I have NO idea when they would do that. My SIL is due to have her baby around that time, and earlier that month is her baby shower... So, I tell my DH that I have no idea what my brother's "schedule" is while he's home...that I'm not even supposed to KNOW that he's coming home...that I don't feel good and can we please have this conversation at another time when I feel better. Oh, but this is not acceptable to my DH, because apparently his family needs to know very soon (like next day...which is now today) so that they can make any changes to the mountain trip. Let me just say...I didn't have the voice or strength to argue with him over this...so I tell him to "just forget about it...I'll go with you and your family in the morning, then we can leave early and I'll still get to see my brother". But DH keeps drilling it into the ground. More texts, more pushing me to find out from someone in my family what my DB "schedule" will be...then he starts being mean and saying that it would "be almost rude to make his family change everything around if I wasn't even going to be seeing my DB the day of their trip to the mountains, and that they (he and his family) are trying to be "more than fair about things", that "they just need a little feedback from me and my family on trying to make this work"..... Can I just say that I'm exhausted from all of this? I am leaning towards giving up and just giving in to make them all shut up. After all of this I called my pastor and told him that as SOON as I felt better I needed to meet with him. I don't know what else to do.

So he would feel bad leaving them to work on the house but doesnt feel bad cancelling his anniversary trip with you?? That is very telling. How can you stand to live with and be with a man who feels that way about you?

Honey, I dont want to be harsh but you are being ABUSED plain and simple. There are different types of abuse - its not all physical. Just because he doesnt put his hands on you doesnt mean that you are not an abused wife.

Now, while you wrap your mind around that fact (I have been there and thought to myeslf "now I am an educated strong women, how did I become an abused wife?") you have 2 choices:

1. accept the way you are being treated
2. dont accept it

Under #2 there are also some options.......
1. give him an ultimatum about changing his behavior in the following ways by such and such date
2. leave
3. counseling (which I think you are doing)

I have to say, though, he would be eating my dust as I flew out the door.

As far as the brother thing.....my brother passed away back in 2007 from a brain aneurysm. He was 26 years old. If I thought I could see him one more time, for one more day, I would tell my husbands family to take their mountain trip and shove it where the sun dont shine. Seriously, you dont have to be Siamese twins because you are married. he *CAN* go somewhere without you (but you cant go somewhere without him, apparently).

 

[FayeW]

Wow. Just because the OP doesn't immediately jump and do what some people think she should do, now she is just a whining, victim/martyr looking for sympathy on the internet?

Making changes in a marriage or family dynamic is not as easy as some people like to think it is. It sounds to me like this is atypical behaviour for her husband and she has been knocked for a loop. She has also been ill since she first posted. Yeah, he is behaving like a complete jerk and is being incredibly selfish, no question. She needs to put her foot down and stand up for herself, but she has to do it when the time is right for her, not when strangers on the internet tell her to. Hopefully, she will turn the tables and tell him that he is being selfish expecting her to give up time with a brother she barely sees to spend the day with his family for a day trip they can take any time, but only if it feels right for her to do that.

OP, personally, I think you need to make a stand because the bitterness and resentment you will feel about the his dictatorial decisions to loan out your money and cancel your trip will only grow and fester. Asking you to take a day out of your brother's 4 day visit to go out of town for no good reason would be non-negotiable. As for "almost being rude", perhaps you could remind him how hypocritical that is, considering that he canceled your 10th anniversary trip that had been planned for a year.

 

[rie'smom]

OK. This will be harsh. I have known people like OP. Play the doormat. Allow others to take advantage of them over & over. Do nothing to change the situation/ pattern. Make sure to broadcast how poorly they are treated. Ignore good advice on how to change their situation.

I lose sympathy for someone like this quickly. I am not talking about true abuse victims here. But about people like the OP who see the repeated problems & can make changes. But choose not to.

It's better to come on an internet forum & whine. Get everyone feeling sorry for you. Say no to husband & his family, then do what they want. Keep the pattern going. Again, ignore advice.

Yes, I know OP is waiting to talk to the Pastor. This will drag the drama out. Especially if it is the in-laws pastor too.

Someone mentioned Dr. Phil. I like his "How's that working out for you? What is your payback?" You are getting "payback", OP. If you don't like the payback, change the situation. Plain & simple. Take action or "own" your part in it. Your life is this way because you allowed it/ made it this way. You are able to change it.

I've been following this thread and have to agree with the post above. The OP doesn't seem prepared to do anything about her situation. I don't think there are children involved, and that helps if she's going to make life-changing decisions. No woman deserves to be treated the way she is being treated by her husband. She's behaving like a doormat and needs to stand up for herself and 'tell' her husband what she needs from this marriage.

Her updates are starting to be annoying. Stop complaining and do something about it.....honestly!

Thanks to both of you. Yes it is a choice. Martyrs aggravate me. No matter how much advice they get, it doesn't help because they refuse to change their situations. They relish people feeling sorry for them.
I'd rather have someone admire me or even dislike me for standing up for myself instead of pitying me because my husband and his family take advantage of me and abuse me.

 

[enigmaticorange]

Oh my goodness, what a terrible, frustrating and sad situation for you. I imagine it must be maddening to try and work out a reasonable solution and be repeatedly shut down.

I know that family is important- but is your husband both disrespecting you while also allowing his family to disrespect your marriage? It is never fun to really get serious and make a stink about a situation....but it sounds like this isn't just about Disney, it is a matter of boundaries and respect.

Mixing personal and (especially family!) business money is a bit dangerous.... I would ask why the business didn't go the way of a bank for a loan.....but then again, why would someone remove your savings without telling you?!?

I hope you are both able to sit down with that pastor soon and discuss this potentially deep divide in your partnership.

 

[Jennasis]

OP, suffice to say, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs to you and I hope you can get this all straightened out soon and return to a happy, peaceful marriage that you deserve.

 

[lisaviolet]

Been following.

Monica - all the best to you. How incredibly disappointing. But then again - this is a big knock on the door for some changes that we all get in life. For a better relationship in the future if your husband can hear you somehow. You simply don't have any choice but to make some changes. Sometimes our loved ones need a very strong and sometimes harsh "Hey I'm not okay with this" stance to see themselves and their choices more clearly. Or status quo is allowed to be year after year - and that's a slow death to any relationship. ( And I don't care if someone's been married 50 years - if something is dead - something is dead. ) And I agreed with the poster who said something to the effect of being careful about just being tired and swallowing so to speak. She/He is right - that's how depression comes.

My fear - valid or not. And I'm in no way downing religion - I pray it's not going to sound that way - but I'm a tad leery of this specific situation being in the hands of a pastor. I don't know to explain my fear without sounding anti-religion. I hope I'm totally wrong - I just worry that it might be solved with a "he's a good man - working hard to look after his family ( a stong male religious view) - family business" kind of look at it. Ie. He's heading up the famly and making decisions. Instead of seeing the dynamic of you not being treated as an equal in decision making. Or your valid disappointment being heard or held by your husband. Once again, I hope I'm wrong.

Sighing. You must have been SO incredibly shocked.

 

[hentob]

Monica You seem so sweet.

But you are a victim of abuse.

What can you do to change that?

 

[bunkkinsmom]

Been following.

Monica - all the best to you. How incredibly disappointing. But then again - this is a big knock on the door for some changes that we all get in life. For a better relationship in the future if your husband can hear you somehow. You simply don't have any choice but to make some changes. Sometimes our loved ones need a very strong and sometimes harsh "Hey I'm not okay with this" stance to see themselves and their choices more clearly. Or status quo is allowed to be year after year - and that's a slow death to any relationship. ( And I don't care if someone's been married 50 years - if something is dead - something is dead. ) And I agreed with the poster who said something to the effect of being careful about just being tired and swallowing so to speak. She/He is right - that's how depression comes.

My fear - valid or not. And I'm in no way downing religion - I pray it's not going to sound that way - but I'm a tad leery of this specific situation being in the hands of a pastor. I don't know to explain my fear without sounding anti-religion. I hope I'm totally wrong - I just worry that it might be solved with a "he's a good man - working hard to look after his family ( a stong male religious view) - family business" kind of look at it. Ie. He's heading up the famly and making decisions. Instead of seeing the dynamic of you not being treated as an equal in decision making. Or your valid disappointment being heard or held by your husband. Once again, I hope I'm wrong.

Sighing. You must have been SO incredibly shocked.

I agree with your concern on this. It's amazing how many people in position in the church today forget the Bible says man should love his wife as Christ loves the church. No where does it say to disregard your wife's feelings or to leave her out of decision making. However, she hopefully knows her pastor well enough to know where he stands on this. Whether pastor, counselor, friend, or someone else, she knows in her heart what is right and what is wrong here. She just has to decide which steps to take to try and solve the problem.

 

[rie'smom]

Been following.

Monica - all the best to you. How incredibly disappointing. But then again - this is a big knock on the door for some changes that we all get in life. For a better relationship in the future if your husband can hear you somehow. You simply don't have any choice but to make some changes. Sometimes our loved ones need a very strong and sometimes harsh "Hey I'm not okay with this" stance to see themselves and their choices more clearly. Or status quo is allowed to be year after year - and that's a slow death to any relationship. ( And I don't care if someone's been married 50 years - if something is dead - something is dead. ) And I agreed with the poster who said something to the effect of being careful about just being tired and swallowing so to speak. She/He is right - that's how depression comes.

My fear - valid or not. And I'm in no way downing religion - I pray it's not going to sound that way - but I'm a tad leery of this specific situation being in the hands of a pastor. I don't know to explain my fear without sounding anti-religion. I hope I'm totally wrong - I just worry that it might be solved with a "he's a good man - working hard to look after his family ( a stong male religious view) - family business" kind of look at it. Ie. He's heading up the famly and making decisions. Instead of seeing the dynamic of you not being treated as an equal in decision making. Or your valid disappointment being heard or held by your husband. Once again, I hope I'm wrong.

Sighing. You must have been SO incredibly shocked.

Your fear might be valid. My SIL and BIL belong to a faith where the man is king. We went to visit one time and all 4 of their young children were sick. She was run ragged. He was sitting in the recliner with a beer watching sports. It was not his place to help because he's a man.

If that had been my husband, he'd have had to worry about losing his manhood!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Your fear might be valid. My SIL and BIL belong to a faith where the man is king. We went to visit one time and all 4 of their young children were sick. She was run ragged. He was sitting in the recliner with a beer watching sports. It was not his place to help because he's a man.

If that had been my husband, he'd have had to worry about losing his manhood!

Can you say: Lorena Bobbitt?!

 

[Tuffcookie]

I think pastors from yesterday were of the train of thought that the husband ruled the roost but I think you will find in the majority of churches nowadays, (mine included), the pastor is married to a modern day woman and would not get by with that attitude.

Am I right here, Pembo?

TC

 

[cabanafrau]

More than likely my question is a dumb one, but how is it DH's family has both the time & money to do this annual mountain pilgrimage? Isn't there a house to be built & aren't funds short right now?

 

[rie'smom]

I think pastors from yesterday were of the train of thought that the husband ruled the roost but I think you will find in the majority of churches nowadays, (mine included), the pastor is married to a modern day woman and would not get by with that attitude.

Am I right here, Pembo?

TC

In many cases, I'm sure you're right however there sects still exist where women are considered inferior. Also, rightly or wrongly, lots of pastors preach keeping the marriage together is prime. This is ok for most couples but for those in abusive sitautions, it's very detrimental.

Can you say: Lorena Bobbitt?!

Lorena Bobbitt

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

OP, please let us know that you are ok and if you had a chance to see your pastor yet...

 

[southern_belle21]

Well I went back to work today after being sick (still not 100 % and coughing and yuck) so I haven't had a chance to talk to our pastor yet, but I am going to this weekend. I actually had a decent talk with DH last night, and he seemed to actually try to understand where I was coming from. He did say he was wrong to make these types of decisions without talking to me about them. At least that's a step in the right direction. DH said that his grandmother was the one really pushing to make sure I get to go on the mountain day trip, because she says she never gets to see me, which I can understand. I love his grandmother. I have agreed to compromise and DH and I going to go for half a day, then I will have the rest of the afternoon and evening to see my brother. While things are by no means where they need to be, I am hoping that they are heading in a better direction. I have so very much appreciated all of you fellow DIS-ers and your words of caring and wisdom You have no idea how much it has helped me get through the last few days. Some of the things that some of you have said are things that my sister has said off and on over the years, but I think I just never really paid much attention to, or could see myself. I guess if things happened before this, it either didn't affect us personally, as our own family unit, or I just didn't notice. In a way I'm glad that something has gotten my attention, and I am truly hoping that it will change for the better.

 

[mhawk4]

While things are by no means where they need to be, I am hoping that they are heading in a better direction. I have so very much appreciated all of you fellow DIS-ers and your words of caring and wisdom You have no idea how much it has helped me get through the last few days. Some of the things that some of you have said are things that my sister has said off and on over the years, but I think I just never really paid much attention to, or could see myself. I guess if things happened before this, it either didn't affect us personally, as our own family unit, or I just didn't notice. In a way I'm glad that something has gotten my attention, and I am truly hoping that it will change for the better.

Although I am sorry that you have gone through all of this, as you said, I am glad that it happened. Maybe you find a new way to communicate, a new way for you to stand up for yourself, and a new way to set boundaries. I hope that you do follow through and talk to your pastor. You may even want to consider couples counseling.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Some of the things that some of you have said are things that my sister has said off and on over the years, but I think I just never really paid much attention to, or could see myself.

this is the part that raises the red flag for me. I understood that you thought your husband had been fine up until now and this was the firsttime something like this had really happened. But if your sister has been saying this off and on over the years........then that concerns me. She obviously knows you both and we don't.

Please let us know how you're doing.

 

[Nancyg56]

this is the part that raises the red flag for me. I understood that you thought your husband had been fine up until now and this was the firsttime something like this had really happened. But if your sister has been saying this off and on over the years........then that concerns me. She obviously knows you both and we don't.

Please let us know how you're doing.

I saw this as well and wondered how honest you have been with yourself. I know that you love your Dh and no one can tell you what behaviors you should or should not live with but you really need to be honest when you are discussing this with your Pastor. Is this new behavior or is it the straw that broke your back? Is your sister telling you this because you have discussed treatment towards you that upsets you? If you have trusted your sister enough to share years worth of sadness then you might want to look back on those conversations with a critical eye and ask yourself if your sister came to you and told you these things, what would you say to her?