I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[2MuchOhana]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Your husband is being completely unreasonable and incredibly selfish. You have been forced to give up too much already with a thought or ounce of consideration from your husband. I would hate to see you sacrafice the limited time you have to spend with your family just to appease his selfish needs!

Please for your own sake stand your ground and be firm about it! Do not give in to his or his families wishes just because it is easier to give in. If you do they will continue to walk all over you. Belive me giving in is not going to make you happy and could make you resent your husband even more. Your brother will also be disappointed. I don't see any reason why you should be "required" to go on this trip to the mountains. If it means so much to Dh than he can go on his own without you!

Now would be a very good time to get some counceling! I pray that your pastor is able to help you! In the meantime I hope you feel better. Sending you wishes for strength, courage, peace and a life of happiness!

 

[mickeymedic]

Yeah, sorry OP, but your husband sounds like a controlling jerk. If he was giving me such a hard time about not going to the mountains or whatever -- AFTER EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED!!! -- I would have to laugh in his face and say, "You chose your family over me and our anniversary trip, and I'm choosing MY family over you and yours when my brother comes to town. Period."

This!

 

[scbelleatheart]

I don't recall seeing your ages but is this a family business? I guess if he loaned them money you both have a vested interest in it. Will he and siblings be inheriting it and/or the house or do a buy out after the parents retire? Life is too short when your parents get older to pick about something like this.

While I would be disappointed cancelling a trip for an aniversary, he might think he owes his family. My DH sure thought he did so we cancelled our 25th and built his DM a house. Bought out the company and his siblings to keep the company name going since 1947. Sacrafices were made in the last 10 years for the sake of family and business. It's your 10th anniversary, not a milestone and you've been to WDW several times so he makes decent money to take you on trips, just not this one.
Sorry if i sound harsh but a family business that he works at and has a vested interest in should be a priority for you too. Forget the baby shower. Someone is always going to feel like they are getting less attention in any family dynamics.

 

[ShesAPirate]

It's your 10th anniversary, not a milestone and you've been to WDW several times so he makes decent money to take you on trips, just not this one.

Wow, when did the 10th anniversary stop being a milestone? These days, with the divorce rates as high as they are, I'd say it's a huge milestone...

Also, the OP works, too -- so it's her money just as much as his. And since that's the case, she should have complete knowledge AND input into what's going on with it.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't recall seeing your ages but is this a family business? I guess if he loaned them money you both have a vested interest in it. Will he and siblings be inheriting it and/or the house or do a buy out after the parents retire? Life is too short when your parents get older to pick about something like this.

While I would be disappointed cancelling a trip for an aniversary, he might think he owes his family. My DH sure thought he did so we cancelled our 25th and built his DM a house. Bought out the company and his siblings to keep the company name going since 1947. Sacrafices were made in the last 10 years for the sake of family and business. It's your 10th anniversary, not a milestone and you've been to WDW several times so he makes decent money to take you on trips, just not this one.
Sorry if i sound harsh but a family business that he works at and has a vested interest in should be a priority for you too. Forget the baby shower. Someone is always going to feel like they are getting less attention in any family dynamics.

Of course the Tenth Anniversary is a milestone. It always has been, and I'd say it's an especially big deal these days since so many marriages don't hit that point.

Regardless, it's great that those sacrifices worked for you and your husband. I assume you had some say in those decisions. The OP did not, and it isn't working for her. That makes a huge difference in the two situations.

 

[scbelleatheart]

Sorry I came across wrong but 10 is not a milestone just because of the divorce rate. 25th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th and the few we have been able to attend 75 years happily married.
I just wanted to offer a different point of view regarding family businesses and the struggles that are involved with different personalities to deal with. The family name, business and reputation are all important as these family businesses strive to survive in current econoomics.
I'm really not a witch, I just pictured myself in the same situation and thought about how i would deal with it. Reminded me of the thread
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2539017
This lady just wanted to her husband to cut back little and work a little less for his health. She wasn't stomping her foot over a trip that had to be cancelled.
I was just trying to put it in perspective.

 

[Scurvy]

Sorry I came across wrong but 10 is not a milestone just because of the divorce rate. 25th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th and the few we have been able to attend 75 years happily married.

No, it isn't a milestone just because of the divorce rate. It was a milestone long before the divorce rate got this high, too. Check an etiquette book sometime if you want. It's in there.

ETA - And I'm not sure what health has to do with the issue. I expect the OP would be much more understanding if it was a matter of her husband's health, but it isn't. She would probably be more understanding if he was working with her instead of arbitrarily making decisions for her time and money, too, but he isn't doing that, either.

 

[diznygirl]

Sorry I came across wrong but 10 is not a milestone just because of the divorce rate. 25th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th and the few we have been able to attend 75 years happily married.
I just wanted to offer a different point of view regarding family businesses and the struggles that are involved with different personalities to deal with. The family name, business and reputation are all important as these family businesses strive to survive in current econoomics.
I'm really not a witch, I just pictured myself in the same situation and thought about how i would deal with it. Reminded me of the thread
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2539017
This lady just wanted to her husband to cut back little and work a little less for his health. She wasn't stomping her foot over a trip that had to be cancelled.
I was just trying to put it in perspective.

That's a different perspective. Different from say, cancelling a planned paid-for vacation a month in advance and not letting your spouse have any say in the matter. And loaning money, again not letting your spouse have any say in the matter. And planning a day trip to the cabin on a specific day that your spouse can't go and then berating them into going......

Nope, I just can't see a scenario where the hubby comes out looking good.

 

[marsha123]

husband is a bully

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

I feel sad reading this thread as it progresses. OP, I really hope you find someone to talk with IRL who can help you through this.

 

[mhawk4]

I hope that you get to talk to someone as soon as possible. He is bullying you and not caring for your feelings. This is not something someone does to a person they are supposed to love. Please talk to your pastor or someone else as soon as possible.

 

[Nancyg56]

I feel sad reading this thread as it progresses. OP, I really hope you find someone to talk with IRL who can help you through this.

I am so sad for you Southernbelle. I am not sure when it happened but you have gotten lost in this marraige. I won't say what I think I would do because I don't think it is fair to fan flames for others but as others have suggested, I think you need to talk to someone who can help you sort this out. You need someone to help you remember that you are important and that you deserve respect and consideration.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh you are so sweet to think that, and I have to thank you for such a nice thought (even if it is the most unrealistic thought I've entertained yet). You must have a truly amazing family and DH who is very good to you to wonder such a wonderful thing As much as it would be wonderful for this to be the case, it is not. But thank you anyway for such a romantic idea.



Asking my MIL anything about that trip will do me absolutely no good at all. I'm pretty sure that DH made his choice based upon the way that his mother and brother acted towards him and even to the point of making him feel guilty for having a trip to go on (regardless of what it was for). That is what I'm getting from it anyway. DH says he would "feel bad" for leaving his family to do all the work while he took time away, even though the trip was over half paid for. Yes, he did make this decision without me, because he KNEW that I would not be happy about it, or give in to what he felt like he needed to do. No, it wasn't right. He SHOULD have sat down with me and at least told me that he had been thinking of canceling, instead of just "telling" me what "we" were doing. Do I think his mother and brother had any influence over him in making this decision? YES. Did they come right out and ASK him to cancel this trip? I'm not sure, but I don't THINK so. I could be wrong. Trust me, at the rate this is all going, I'm certain that sooner or later I'll get around to finding out. In the meantime, I am doing my best to not point the blame at his mother, but just be friendly towards her, since I'm not really sure what the cause of all of this really is. I can't just point my finger at her and say it's all her fault, when I'm not sure.




Yes, I suppose I could do this. But honestly, how is doing this going to make the situation any better at all? Right now I just want to get to the bottom of everything, and find some answers to my questions. In the meantime, I have no reason to take all of this out on my SIL who is having another baby in Oct, who already has her hands full with a 7 1/2 year old and a 2 year old (who she is trying to potty train right now). I like my SIL, and I want her to have a nice shower. It's not her fault that my DH is acting the way he is.




See my above response to a PP. I am not certain that my MIL did ask my DH to cancel.


Okay friends, well I'm stuck with a yucky cold right now, so I'm not feeling 100%. I didn't feel up to going to church this past Sunday, but I DID get in touch with my pastor and I am setting up a time for me to go and meet with him alone, to discuss what is going on, and how to handle things with my DH. I am certain that my pastor will talk to both of us together at some point, but right now I just wanted to meet and tell him how I'm feeling. On top of feeling bad, my DH is adding just a little more fuel to the "fire" this week. Let me explain: My older brother who lives in CA is supposed to be coming home to visit next month. My brother rarely gets a chance to come to SC to visit all of our family, so it's a very big deal when he does. Now, I'm not really supposed to know about his coming, as it is usually a surprise, BUT, my niece (my older sister's only child who is only 3 years younger than I am) has told me, because she knows that I want to plan on seeing him as much as possible while he's here. He usually only gets to stay for just a few days when he comes, and it's been about 4 years since he's been home last. Now, DH knows that he's supposed to be coming in on the 25th of next month. Well, DH's family takes a day trip up to the mountains every year, and this trip is usually in Oct when the leaves change, HOWEVER, this year, his family has decided that since my SIL is due in Oct, they would take the trip on the last Sunday of Sept instead. On the 26th of Sept. Okay, so before I knew which weekend my brother was coming in town, I already made it as clear as I could to my DH, that I MAY NOT BE GOING on the yearly trip to the mountains with his family this time. Only because if my brother is coming in town that weekend I would like to see him and spend time with him. I do not think that this is being unreasonable. When my niece told me that my DB would be coming on the 25th, and I told DH the date and that I would not plan of me coming with them to the mountains, he seemed to be understanding, and agreeable. Yesterday, I get a call from my DH asking if I am definatly planning on seeing my brother on the 26th (the day after he gets in, and the day his family is planning on going on their mountain trip). I tell him that yes, I am. DH then proceeds to tell me that his family wants to know if they need to change the date of the mountain trip so that I can be able to go to. Yeah, sweet right? Oh no. Not as sweet as it sounds. I try to tell DH (and keep in mind that I'm sick, and I have a bad sore throat, and hardly any voice at all) that there is no need for them to do that, that I will simply have to miss this year. Well apparently that's not good enough, and I start getting text from him saying that I need to find out what my brother's "schedule" will be when he's here...that I need to "compromise" and either the two of us (myself and DH) can drive separately so that we can come back early if we need to, to see and spend time with my brother, or his family can try to reschedule the mountain trip to a different weekend, just so that I can go too. Which is ridiculous, because I have NO idea when they would do that. My SIL is due to have her baby around that time, and earlier that month is her baby shower... So, I tell my DH that I have no idea what my brother's "schedule" is while he's home...that I'm not even supposed to KNOW that he's coming home...that I don't feel good and can we please have this conversation at another time when I feel better. Oh, but this is not acceptable to my DH, because apparently his family needs to know very soon (like next day...which is now today) so that they can make any changes to the mountain trip. Let me just say...I didn't have the voice or strength to argue with him over this...so I tell him to "just forget about it...I'll go with you and your family in the morning, then we can leave early and I'll still get to see my brother". But DH keeps drilling it into the ground. More texts, more pushing me to find out from someone in my family what my DB "schedule" will be...then he starts being mean and saying that it would "be almost rude to make his family change everything around if I wasn't even going to be seeing my DB the day of their trip to the mountains, and that they (he and his family) are trying to be "more than fair about things", that "they just need a little feedback from me and my family on trying to make this work"..... Can I just say that I'm exhausted from all of this? I am leaning towards giving up and just giving in to make them all shut up. After all of this I called my pastor and told him that as SOON as I felt better I needed to meet with him. I don't know what else to do.

Wow. Your DH and family are treating you like dirt.

What you do is begin to stand up for yourself. If you want to give in then you are going to be headed for serious depression.

You are at the precipice of a huge mental breakdown. Don't jump off the cliff, you are going to hurt yourself pretty bad.

I hope you can get some help with your pastor. Now I am not religious so I would prefer you see a licensed counselor but if you feel comfortable with your pastor then I hope he helps.

You have been broken down by your dh and your family. This is not good.

HUGS

 

[RadioFanatic]

Yeah, sorry OP, but your husband sounds like a controlling jerk. If he was giving me such a hard time about not going to the mountains or whatever -- AFTER EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED!!! -- I would have to laugh in his face and say, "You chose your family over me and our anniversary trip, and I'm choosing MY family over you and yours when my brother comes to town. Period."

Thank you that's just what I was thinking.

OP, why do you keep giving up? And I'm sorry, you say this is new, but it's sounding like a pattern to me and maybe you are just starting to really notice it. I'm really sad for you.

 

[RadioFanatic]

saying that it would "be almost rude to make his family change everything around if I wasn't even going to be seeing my DB the day of their trip to the mountains,

I'm sorry, but the fact that he said this really makes me sick. Like it was "almost rude" to make you change your trip that had been planned for a year? Like it was "almost rude" that he loaned money without even consulting you? Like it was "almost rude" that he demands you don't go on the trip even though he knows you will lose money on it, you have taken time off of work for it and really was looking forward to it? I would tell him and his family where to take his "almost rude" stance. But I realize OP you are sweeter than I am. HOWEVER, it's getting to the point that you are being a doormat because you are once again admittedly willing to "give up" just to shut them up.

Being a good spouse does not mean giving in on everything just to keep the peace.

 

[castleview]

Do NOT give in. You're SIL is having a baby and sometime traditions need to be put on hold when life happens. Actually a lot of these traditions need to be stopped or you and DH need to start your own and not abide by his family's.

OP, DH & I spent the first few years of marriage fighting off the ILs requests for constant family get togethers. It took some time, but they don't meddle anymore.

 

[focusondisney]

OK. This will be harsh. I have known people like OP. Play the doormat. Allow others to take advantage of them over & over. Do nothing to change the situation/ pattern. Make sure to broadcast how poorly they are treated. Ignore good advice on how to change their situation.

I lose sympathy for someone like this quickly. I am not talking about true abuse victims here. But about people like the OP who see the repeated problems & can make changes. But choose not to.

It's better to come on an internet forum & whine. Get everyone feeling sorry for you. Say no to husband & his family, then do what they want. Keep the pattern going. Again, ignore advice.

Yes, I know OP is waiting to talk to the Pastor. This will drag the drama out. Especially if it is the in-laws pastor too.

Someone mentioned Dr. Phil. I like his "How's that working out for you? What is your payback?" You are getting "payback", OP. If you don't like the payback, change the situation. Plain & simple. Take action or "own" your part in it. Your life is this way because you allowed it/ made it this way. You are able to change it.

 

[Scurvy]

OK. This will be harsh. I have known people like OP. Play the doormat. Allow others to take advantage of them over & over. Do nothing to change the situation/ pattern. Make sure to broadcast how poorly they are treated. Ignore good advice on how to change their situation.

I lose sympathy for someone like this quickly. I am not talking about true abuse victims here. But about people like the OP who see the repeated problems & can make changes. But choose not to.

It's better to come on an internet forum & whine. Get everyone feeling sorry for you. Say no to husband & his family, then do what they want. Keep the pattern going. Again, ignore advice.

Yes, I know OP is waiting to talk to the Pastor. This will drag the drama out. Especially if it is the in-laws pastor too.

Someone mentioned Dr. Phil. I like his "How's that working out for you? What is your payback?" You are getting "payback", OP. If you don't like the payback, change the situation. Plain & simple. Take action or "own" your part in it. Your life is this way because you allowed it/ made it this way. You are able to change it.

That does sound pretty harsh. I've known people like you describe, and they really are terrible. They want to complain about how unfair their lives are, and how terrible people are to them, but they don't actually want to do anything about it. It's so annoying to have to hear them complain all the time! But there's no reason to assume that the OP is one if those people. She says this is a new development and that her husband has never been like this before. She hasn't been complaining about all the horrible things he has done to her over the years. I can understand why she wouldn't immediately make huge changes in response to the cancellation of the trip, if her marriage has been good up to this point. Now, with the idiocy about the trip her inlaws are taking, it is starting to look more like a pattern. Hopefully that is enough to spur her to stand up for herself. She says she is going to take action, and I see no reason to doubt her at this point.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK. This will be harsh. I have known people like OP. Play the doormat. Allow others to take advantage of them over & over. Do nothing to change the situation/ pattern. Make sure to broadcast how poorly they are treated. Ignore good advice on how to change their situation.

I lose sympathy for someone like this quickly. I am not talking about true abuse victims here. But about people like the OP who see the repeated problems & can make changes. But choose not to.

It's better to come on an internet forum & whine. Get everyone feeling sorry for you. Say no to husband & his family, then do what they want. Keep the pattern going. Again, ignore advice.

Yes, I know OP is waiting to talk to the Pastor. This will drag the drama out. Especially if it is the in-laws pastor too.

Someone mentioned Dr. Phil. I like his "How's that working out for you? What is your payback?" You are getting "payback", OP. If you don't like the payback, change the situation. Plain & simple. Take action or "own" your part in it. Your life is this way because you allowed it/ made it this way. You are able to change it.

OP has become "used to" playing "the victim" role and yes her mode may be to complain and then get her needs met that way. She gets validation from us and then that is how she is able to handle her DH.

I suppose it is not much different that a child/parent relationship. It appears that her relationship exists in that way.

 

[Bonnie40]

OK. This will be harsh. I have known people like OP. Play the doormat. Allow others to take advantage of them over & over. Do nothing to change the situation/ pattern. Make sure to broadcast how poorly they are treated. Ignore good advice on how to change their situation.

I lose sympathy for someone like this quickly. I am not talking about true abuse victims here. But about people like the OP who see the repeated problems & can make changes. But choose not to.

It's better to come on an internet forum & whine. Get everyone feeling sorry for you. Say no to husband & his family, then do what they want. Keep the pattern going. Again, ignore advice.

Yes, I know OP is waiting to talk to the Pastor. This will drag the drama out. Especially if it is the in-laws pastor too.

Someone mentioned Dr. Phil. I like his "How's that working out for you? What is your payback?" You are getting "payback", OP. If you don't like the payback, change the situation. Plain & simple. Take action or "own" your part in it. Your life is this way because you allowed it/ made it this way. You are able to change it.

I've been following this thread and have to agree with the post above. The OP doesn't seem prepared to do anything about her situation. I don't think there are children involved, and that helps if she's going to make life-changing decisions. No woman deserves to be treated the way she is being treated by her husband. She's behaving like a doormat and needs to stand up for herself and 'tell' her husband what she needs from this marriage.

Her updates are starting to be annoying. Stop complaining and do something about it.....honestly!