I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[VAN]

My initial thought is that something is going on that your DH is hiding from you.

It doesn't make sense that he can't take a week off to go on a trip with you. It also doesn't make sense that money is gone from your account for the family when the family are buying luxury items.

I hate to say this .... well, I won't say it .... but I think maybe there might be something you need to find out for yourself about what your DH is hiding. I wouldn't believe anything at this point that he is telling you.

It's not about the trip - something else is happening.

 

[kamik86]

I agree with many of the other posters. I loan my famiily money. Right now I think between them they owe me at least 1000 for the Disney trip in Oct we are all taking. If we had this conversation before they started paying it would have been much more. However my husband knew about that money. We are also both aware of when they should pay it back and what would happen if they didn't.

My husband also knows that he comes first to me and that I unless I had the funds in my personal "spend however I please" account (he has one of those too) that I would have to check with him and get his concurrance. I would never cancel a trip without telling him. And if a trip was cancellled because I had to work I would still let him go if he wanted... I just can't understand a marriage where it wouldn't be this way thus if this happened over my 10th anniversary trip, I would be doing alot of soul searching to determine if I was sure I watned there to be an 11th anniversary.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The more I think about this the more I think you need to insist on written proof of where your savings money went and when and when and how it will be paid back and everyone involved in the business (from an owner/family standpoint, not random hourly workers of course) needs to be a part of the conversation. Something is going on that you are not being told about.

OP--Again, I hate the jump on the husband mentality and this is only WILD speculation with no facts so take it for what it is okay? Do you think there is any possibility that your husband may have "borrowed" money from the family business without permission (to gamble, support a drug habit or shopping addiction or what have you) and been caught by his mother/brother before he could pay it back? Maybe he is not loaning money but what came out of your savings is actually a repayment and part of how he is making amends and showing good faith to his family now is by cancelling the trip and working more? Maybe even you going on the trip would send the message to family that you have money and he is trying to play it that he was desperate and broke? Would his family cover for him in that way?
Again, that is really a stretch but for his attitude to change overnight like that and for him to be so secretive about taking money and so, um controlling in his casting of your feelings I think something very wrong is happening somewhere and you need to know what it is.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, I have not read all the responses but I am going to add my 2 cents. Anything, other than losing a job or major illness/death in the family, your DH is the one being selfish. He wants to yank the rug out from under you a month away from your WDW trip? I would not be a happy camper!

TC

 

[MushyMushy]

It's not often that a marriage issue thread can get to page five without someone chiming in that there's two sides to every story and to give your husband the benefit of the doubt -- when this many posters are in agreement, you really need to take a hard look at what they're saying. With that in mind and the fact that the majority here are telling you that your husband is being a controlling jerk, you need to take back the control here! Demand to have an accounting of what has happened to every dime of that money for one thing, and for another start packing now and go on that trip, either alone or with a friend. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate being called selfish when he is the one putting his family first.

 

[sbell111]

A couple thoughts:

First, not all couples have separate accounts. We don't. In fact, I am of the belief that this practice is very bad for the relationship.

Second, Not all couples require that both members be involved with all financial transactions. In fact, many relationships work just fine with one person making the financial decisions. (I suspect that the OP is not very involved with their finances and may not understand their true financial picture.)

Third, according to the OP, one of the reasons for cancelling the trip was that money that was for the trip was loaned to the company. This money is no longer available for the trip, so talk of the wife taking the trip with a friend instead of the husband is not helpful, since the trip cannot be afforded regardless of who goes.

Fourth, while I have no problems with couples taking vacations without one another in theory, both people need to be on board with that idea. One member taking a vacation without the other when the other is opposed to it is a very bad idea.

Fifth, people who suggest that there is more going on than what has been presented and actually are suggesting divorce are projecting and giving the OP very bad advice.

 

[sbell111]

It's not often that a marriage issue thread can get to page five without someone chiming in that there's two sides to every story and to give your husband the benefit of the doubt -- when this many posters are in agreement, you really need to take a hard look at what they're saying. With that in mind and the fact that the majority here are telling you that your husband is being a controlling jerk, you need to take back the control here! Demand to have an accounting of what has happened to every dime of that money for one thing, and for another start packing now and go on that trip, either alone or with a friend. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate being called selfish when he is the one putting his family first.

Wow. I can't find a bit of good advice in there.

Take back the control? How about the OP and her husband simply work on having more open communications? Perhaps the husband hasn't previously discussed this issue because he knew that the discussion wouldn't be welcomed? I have no knowledge as to whether that's true, but it certainly is possible.

Demand an accounting of every dime? Perhaps the OP would be better served by simply being involved in the families finances in the future. If you aren't going to be involved in teh financial decisions, you have no right to be upset when those decisions run contrary to your desires. Again, I don't know whether the OP has tried to be involved in financial decisions, but it doesn't appear that she has.

Go on the trip anyway? Even though the money for the trip is no longer available? I just don't see this as a responsible financial decision, let alone the damage that such a decision would do to the relationship.

 

[Bethenny]

Fifth, people who suggest that there is more going on than what has been presented and actually are suggesting divorce are projecting and giving the OP very bad advice.

Sorry, but from what the OP is describing (and what I get from her general tone), the husband sounds like he is an emotional abuser. I will not stand down from that opinion. What he is doing is NOT normal behavior. The OPs reaction is also not normal. I'm guessing their marriage has been this way the whole time.

OP, I'm so sorry for your situation. You need to know that you do not have to take this. A marriage is a partnership. Do NOT allow him to call you selfish. I'm guessing that there's no way that any of us can convince you that you can go without him. You need to be in counseling. If he won't go, then start without him. This is not a healthy relationship. Take care of yourself please.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow. I can't find a bit of good advice in there.

Take back the control? How about the OP and her husband simply work on having more open communications? Perhaps the husband hasn't previously discussed this issue because he knew that the discussion wouldn't be welcomed? I have no knowledge as to whether that's true, but it certainly is possible.

Demand an accounting of every dime? Perhaps the OP would be better served by simply being involved in the families finances in the future. If you aren't going to be involved in teh financial decisions, you have no right to be upset when those decisions run contrary to your desires. Again, I don't know whether the OP has tried to be involved in financial decisions, but it doesn't appear that she has.

Go on the trip anyway? Even though the money for the trip is no longer available? I just don't see this as a responsible financial decision, let alone the damage that such a decision would do to the relationship.

While I agree (as I have said twice) that wild speculation is just that--I think things are more off than your post seems to indicate. Even if the OP normally does not watch the finances and even if the loan is why there is now not enough money to take the trip--then, under the circumstances (loaning the money to the family business will put the OP and her husband in the position of having to cancel a trip one year into the making on short notice and LOSE their own money that has already been paid) then such a decision should not be made by only one partner and with no discussion. Then to top that off the husband is making her second guess herself and calling her selfish that she is unhappy with this decision he made without consulting her is very off. I think the OP needs to find out what is really going on here. This sudden change in behvaiour (excited about the trip one day and cancelling and thinking that is no big deal the next) is not normal--even for a family in which one person generally handles all monetary stuff.

 

[hentob]

Second, Not all couples require that both members be involved with all financial transactions. In fact, many relationships work just fine with one person making the financial decisions. (I suspect that the OP is not very involved with their finances and may not understand their true financial picture.)
.

I doesn’t seem like it is working in this relationship. It seems like he was a sneak. He also cancelled the vacation before speaking to his wife.

Third, according to the OP, one of the reasons for cancelling the trip was that money that was for the trip was loaned to the company. This money is no longer available for the trip, so talk of the wife taking the trip with a friend instead of the husband is not helpful, since the trip cannot be afforded regardless of who goes.
.

The trip is paid for and they most likely will not get the money back. They bought points and the seller may only be able to give a small amount of money back.




Are you going to address the name calling and the fact that her husband is getting furious at her for daring to make suggestions? Or is that ok too?

I understand that you are the person on here that likes to stir the pot and always go against the grain. It is what you do and it makes for great entertainment sometimes. I also stir the pot on occasion

But this woman is being mistreated by her husband. It is not time for games

 

[WDWorBUST]

A couple thoughts:

First, not all couples have separate accounts. We don't. In fact, I am of the belief that this practice is very bad for the relationship.

Second, Not all couples require that both members be involved with all financial transactions. In fact, many relationships work just fine with one person making the financial decisions. (I suspect that the OP is not very involved with their finances and may not understand their true financial picture.)

Third, according to the OP, one of the reasons for cancelling the trip was that money that was for the trip was loaned to the company. This money is no longer available for the trip, so talk of the wife taking the trip with a friend instead of the husband is not helpful, since the trip cannot be afforded regardless of who goes.

Fourth, while I have no problems with couples taking vacations without one another in theory, both people need to be on board with that idea. One member taking a vacation without the other when the other is opposed to it is a very bad idea.

Fifth, people who suggest that there is more going on than what has been presented and actually are suggesting divorce are projecting and giving the OP very bad advice.

We don't have separate accounts, and I typically make our financial decisions. With that said, I would never just tell my DH that the 10 year anniversary trip that we had been planning for a year was off and that we were going to lose the money already spent. She is in South Carolina - an easy drive with fairly little expense involved. She could go and spend the week vegging at the resort enjoying the pool and not be out any extra dollars. Who in their right mind would rather lose a weeks cost at a DVC then spend a couple of hundred bucks for their spouse to enjoy it? She'll have a kitchen so there won't even be any additional cost for food - she would have to eat at home too.

I'm not sure anyone suggested actually getting divorced over this issue, but the husband's behavior is such that I would definitely be evaluating my marriage and if I would want to be treated that way for the rest of my life by my spouse.....but then honesty is kind of important to me.

Oh....and as far as one spouse having control of the finances - that's fine and dandy as long as both partners are okay with it. At any given point the one handling the finances should be able and more than willing to provide full disclosure - unless of course they are hiding something.

 

[hereyago]

Go on the trip anyway? Even though the money for the trip is no longer available? I just don't see this as a responsible financial decision, let alone the damage that such a decision would do to the relationship.

they had DVC points, so the big portion has been paid all ready. SHe could go and actually in post 8, she said she thought about it and that is when he called her selfish.

 

[hentob]

Demand an accounting of every dime? .

Uh, yeah. He is sneaking money out of their savings account and not telling his wife.

He is not to be trusted.

 

[hentob]

Who in their right mind would rather lose a weeks cost at a DVC then spend a couple of hundred bucks for their spouse to enjoy it? .

A controlling man.

 

[NHdisneylover]

We don't have separate accounts, and I typically make our financial decisions. With that said, I would never just tell my DH that the 10 year anniversary trip that we had been planning for a year was off and that we were going to lose the money already spent. She is in South Carolina - an easy drive with fairly little expense involved. She could go and spend the week vegging at the resort enjoying the pool and not be out any extra dollars. Who in their right mind would rather lose a weeks cost at a DVC then spend a couple of hundred bucks for their spouse to enjoy it? She'll have a kitchen so there won't even be any additional cost for food - she would have to eat at home too.

I'm not sure anyone suggested actually getting divorced over this issue, but the husband's behavior is such that I would definitely be evaluating my marriage and if I would want to be treated that way for the rest of my life by my spouse.....but then honesty is kind of important to me.

Oh....and as far as one spouse having control of the finances - that's fine and dandy as long as both partners are okay with it. At any given point the one handling the finances should be able and more than willing to provide full disclosure - unless of course they are hiding something.

A very good point I am the one who handles most of the finances on our family. My husband could not begin to tell you what our balance is most of the time. If he ever asked I would be more than happy to share with him all the details (and I would never loan out more than 50 busk or so without talking to him about it). I handle the finances because it works well for us that way but I do not CONTROL our household spending any more than he does. Neither of us controls the other through money or in any other way.

 

[jodifla]

His family can live without him a week. There's no way you guys should be canceling now.

HE is the selfish one.

 

[fairestoneofall]

i'm sorry that you are dealing with this. i don't think you are selfish and i don't think it's okay that your husband is saying that you are.

your room is paid for, right? and there is no guarantee that you can get any of that money back. is it possible that you could downgrade your dining reservations--maybe just stick with counter service. you could save money that way, if it's truly money that is an issue.

i agree with those who think there is more to the story though. i'm sorry for you.

 

[Magpie]

Just a thought on who controls the finances and "controlling men"...

My husband is a high testosterone-type male. He's the kind of guy I find sexy, because he makes plans and decisions, and every now and then he stomps around the house like a T-Rex, growling at things. He earns the money and takes care of our finances. I cook and run the household, and keep tabs on the kids.

But! My husband ALWAYS asks me before he does anything with our money, even small things like donating 100 bucks to Pakistan flood relief. It doesn't matter if I don't care, or if investing makes my eyes glaze over, whenever there's a financial decision to be made, he drags me over to the computer and shows me everything and explains everything, and then says, "This is what we have. I want to do this, that and the other thing. Is that okay?"

And then he waits for me to say it's okay, before he does it. If I have any questions or worries, he takes the time to answer my concerns. Even if I'm sometimes slow to understand the financial stuff, he never puts me down, or belittles me. Ever!

OP - I don't know the whole story, and evidently neither do you. You need to keep asking questions until you understand the whole truth. And your husband needs to be a LOT more respectful toward you.

You can have a traditional marriage without giving up your self-respect or allowing yourself to be treated like a child.

 

[ols386]

If the trip is already paid for, maybe you could go ahead and go by yourself. I know this was planned to be an anniversary trip, but if it were me, I'd go ahead and go, on my own.

I know going by yourself wouldn't be the same as the two of you going, but I still think you could relax and enjoy yourself.

 

[RadioNate]

Emotional abuse is characterized by the abuser’s manipulation and invalidation of his or her partner. Here is a list of warning signs to be aware of.


Please be careful and seek some help.

Where did you get this list? There is someone I need to forward it to but it will not be credible to them coming from a Dis thread. You can PM me the details if you want.

Thanks.


OP - I don't know what to tell you and I can't comment on your relationship. However something is VERY VERY fishy about this. You need to figure out what and don't take any of this at face value. Trust yourself. You KNOW this doesn't make sense, find out why.