I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[Gigi22]

I'm left with a few questions about this situation too. Does the OP work outside the home--I mean does she have an income not dependant on her IL's business? Does she have her own (not joint) bank account? Can she afford to take the mostly paid-for trip? If so, I would sit down with my MIL and discuss the situation rationally, like two adult women, and decide on the relative merits of the situation what to do. If not, then the OP is going to have to either work hard on getting her DH to see himself as more than a part of the 'family business', or tell him that his anniversary present is marriage counselling.

 

[cabanafrau]

If the situation is as the OP outlined it, she definitely has the right to be upset -- and better information w/o a guilt trip from her DH. I'd hold off on making a decision to take the trip w/o him until I got some better financial info, because he could really be struggling to hold the business together and not being helped by his family's spending.

Setting aside the $, the anniversary & other issues, OP has already been there this year -- and yearly for the last several. You're not by chance such a Disney fan that you try to "convince" your DH that's where you vacation -- no matter where he would like to go, are you?

My radar went up when he repeatedly told you you were being selfish, I saw your past trips sig AND the fact you described yourself as a grown up princess? You don't need to explain to us, but if any of this has a grain of truth in it, don't push your marriage to the brink because of a Disney vacation.

 

[anniemae]

I have not read all the replies, but is there any way he could go for a few nights, and you stay for the whole time? You could fly down together, and he could leave after a few nights and you stay on?

 

[hentob]

He told me that even though we've had points rented and paid for, we were now going to be unable to take our trip..

He told you this? Is a controlling man? Do you fear him? A loving partner would not tell his wife that she is not going on vacation. He might discuss it with her, but to make the decision and just tell you where you are not going sounds extremely controlling.

… he needs to stay here to work and try to help finish getting his mom's house built.

Well then, he can stay. Why did he make the decision for you without speaking to you first?

He also has loaned his family some money out of our savings account to help with the business without talking to me about it.

This alone would make me start second-guessing the ethics of the man that I married.

Not only that, but this is our 10th anniversary, and it was supposed to be special..

He obviously doesn’t care. I feel very badly for you

As for the money that has already been paid into the trip: well at first DH said that we would just have to lose it...which I understand, since we were renting from a DVC member, but it made me even more upset...but DH talked to the DVC member we are renting from, and they are going to try to see if there is any way to rent out the reservation and possibly get back just a little of our money.

He did all of this without even speaking to you Really?

Everything was great, and DH was very excited too, up until the night that he told me all of this. He just hit me with it out of no where. It was like it happened in the course of a day. When I have questioned him about why, he just says that everyone is having to make sacrifices.

Again, why are you allowing him to control you like this? You are a grown woman. How does it come to the point where another adult is telling you what you will and will not do? I don't understand.

Every time I try to talk to him about it, or I get upset and tell him that I don't really understand why we're having to do this, he defends his family, and says that being very selfish.

I brought up the idea of me going with down there with a friend, and he was furious that I even brought that idea up!

Yes. How dare you have ideas

He said I was so selfish for thinking this.

He likes to accuse you of being selfish, doesn’t he?

He is mentally abusive. It is as simple as I can get. Seek professional help and STOP being spoken to and treated in this manner Do you really want to go through life with a man that treats you like this?

 

[WDWorBUST]

I would be more than disappointed - I would be flat out angry. I have been married 15 years and if my DH pulled a stunt like this there would be an all out discussion about his behavior towards me. Like others, I do understand his loyalty to the family business....but not at the expense of his family. This may not be a popular opinion, but I feel like that when a couple gets married that is their primary family and the rest is secondary. (Please know that DH and I are both very close to our families - we even live next door to my parents....however not at the expense of each other and our child and unborn child) I would be going on the trip and I think I would approach it as this.....I don't know what is going on with you and your family's business because you are not sharing that information with me, however I do know that we will be out a lot of money by not taking this trip so one of two things is going to happen - 1.) You are going to talk to your family and you and I are going to go on a fantastic anniversary trip like we had planned or 2.) I am going to go to Disney by myself and do a lot of soul searching on the direction I see my life going. Oh....and I would add that whichever happened he would sit down and come completely clean with me on the situation with your family business either way. Whatever is going on I agree that he needs to quit keeping things from you - that is destroying the trust in your marriage and trust is one of the biggest building blocks (in my opinion) to a good marriage. Good luck!

 

[palmtreegirl]

This thread isn't going to help you, get off the Dis and talk to your husband.

Hope it all works out for you.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

I'm sorry but you need to stand up for yourself here. Stop letting him brow beat you into guilt that you should not have!

Stand up to him and tell you that you are going to Disney regardless if he's coming or not.

If he says "You're selfish for going to Disney without me!"
Look him in the eye and say "Well you were selfish loaning out our money without asking me".

Stand firm on it. He made the choice to stay home. You've already sunk money into this, why in the world would you just throw it away? Just go! If he doesn't like it well he's the one that made the choice to put you second.

 

[sharbear]

I don't think you have one response that says that your Husband is right. His refusal to talk about things is a big red flag. To call you selfish over something like this and not want to talk about things. No!!!! Big red flags!

Something doesn't smell right. Taking money out of your checking account. Is it really for the business? Are you sure? Is not going on this trip really because of work? Is there anyone who can confirm these things are really happening?

My DH has had to cancel things when he's had important meeting. But He's always given me the option of going by myself or with someone else.

 

[hentob]

This thread isn't going to help you, get off the Dis and talk to your husband.

And when you talk to him, don't let him talk over you or talk you down. Tell him you will NOT be called selfish. Tell him he needs to tell you EVERY detail about the financial decisions he has made in secret. Tell him you are an adult and YOU are going on the vacation that is paid for. And TELL him you will NOT be treated in this manner any longer.

Stick up for yourself.

 

[AlleyKat]

The reason I would talk to the family is because he's giving *family* as his excuse for cancelling.

I'd want to know if they really approve of this, and if they do, then I would be reconsidering whether I want to spend my whole life as a second class citizen in this "family".

But I'm generally very much in favor of airing dirty laundry. It stinks less when you've hung it out in the sun for awhile.

I don't like secrets. And I especially don't like the idea of not getting my point of view out there. I mean, just imagine if her husband is going to his family and saying, "She's SO unreasonable and selfish!" People who keep things private or "within the family" run the risk of letting the other person define them publically.

Exactly!

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

Im not defending your DH but money and family pressure does weird stuff to people. That being said I'd still go on the trip without him or else he is being mega selfish

 

[Praying Colonel]

This episode is just a symptom of much larger problems, IMHO. This couple needs to get to counseling, and pronto.

 

[RubySlippers]

Emotional abuse is characterized by the abuser’s manipulation and invalidation of his or her partner. Here is a list of warning signs to be aware of.


Abusive Expectations


Makes unreasonable demands.
Requires constant attention, or that you spend all your free time with him/her.
Constantly criticizes.
No matter how much you give, it never seems to be enough.

Aggressing


Calls you names, accuses, blames, threatens, or gives orders.
Can be disguised as “helping” or “teaching.”
Judgmental “I know best” attitude.

Constant Chaos


Deliberately starts arguments and may be in constant conflict with you or with others
Treats you well in front of others, but changes into a different person when you’re alone together, or vice versa.
May enjoy “drama,” because it creates excitement and brings the focus back onto him/herself.

Denying


Denies your personal needs, especially when that need is greatest, and does so with the intent of hurting, punishing, or humiliating you.
Denies that certain events occurred or that certain things were said.
Refuses to listen or communicate (silent treatment), and withdraws emotionally.
Denies your perceptions, memory, and sanity.
Disallows or overrules any viewpoints, perceptions, or feelings that differ from his/her own.
Causes you to lose confidence in and question your own perceptions and feelings.
Causes you to doubt your most powerful survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating


Manipulates the relationship so that the only feelings and opinions that count are his/her own.
Must have his/her own way, and will hurt your feelings if necessary in order to get it.
Holds you personally responsible for his/her own happiness.
Disregards your personal standards or beliefs, and may try to persuade you to do things that you don’t want to do.

Emotional Blackmail


Plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, religious values, or other “hot buttons” to get what he/she wants.
May threaten to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, give you the “cold shoulder,” or use other tactics to control you.

Invalidation


Seeks to distort your perceptions of your own world.
Refuses to or fails to acknowledge reality in order to create his/her own false reality.
If you tell your partner that you felt hurt by something he/she did or said, he/she might say, “You’re too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.”
Or, the abuser might turn it around by saying, “You hurt me too sometimes. I just don’t say anything because I’m understanding.”
Suggests that your emotions and perceptions are faulty and can’t be trusted.
Any time your own feelings are disregarded or denied, invalidation has occurred.

Minimizing


Less extreme form of denial.
Says things like “You’re exaggerating” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Trivializes by suggesting that something you have communicated is inconsequential or unimportant.

Unpredictable Responses


Acts angry or upset in a situation that normally would not warrant such a response, or gets angry certain times but not others.
Blows up or gets angry at you over innocent comments you made.
You feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around him/her.
Has drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts.
Likes something you do one day, but hates it the next.

Verbal Assaults


Berates, belittles, criticizes, threatens, or calls you names.
Subtle to blatant use of sarcasm and humiliation.
Constantly finds flaws with you.
Makes fun of you in front of others, or in private.


Please be careful and seek some help.

 

[GothTink]

You can bet your booty I'd be on my way to Disney with a friend. Why waste that money and vacation time??

 

[jobhunter]

I do agree something is off here. But it does not seem like he is normally an attached-at-the-hip person because I think the OP just went to Disney last month with her sister & sisters kids, and he did not go? So I am not sure if that is the issue.

OP, I am sorry to read this. I would be terribly disappointed as well, esp. at my husband for loaning money without speaking to me first.

 

[hentob]

Just to make it clear, to me it is not about Disney or “needing” to be at Disney. It is obvious that the OP has been there many times and it seems like it is not a bad drive for her Jealous

Sometimes money issues crop up and trips have to be cancelled. That happens. That is life.

This is about the way he DH treats her, speaks to her, secretly cancels plans, gets furious at her for making suggestions or asking questions, calls her names, gives out loans without informing her, etc.

This is not a good situation.

 

[focusondisney]

I would be more than disappointed - I would be flat out angry. I have been married 15 years and if my DH pulled a stunt like this there would be an all out discussion about his behavior towards me. Like others, I do understand his loyalty to the family business....but not at the expense of his family. This may not be a popular opinion, but I feel like that when a couple gets married that is their primary family and the rest is secondary. (Please know that DH and I are both very close to our families - we even live next door to my parents....however not at the expense of each other and our child and unborn child) I would be going on the trip and I think I would approach it as this.....I don't know what is going on with you and your family's business because you are not sharing that information with me, however I do know that we will be out a lot of money by not taking this trip so one of two things is going to happen - 1.) You are going to talk to your family and you and I are going to go on a fantastic anniversary trip like we had planned or 2.) I am going to go to Disney by myself and do a lot of soul searching on the direction I see my life going. Oh....and I would add that whichever happened he would sit down and come completely clean with me on the situation with your family business either way. Whatever is going on I agree that he needs to quit keeping things from you - that is destroying the trust in your marriage and trust is one of the biggest building blocks (in my opinion) to a good marriage. Good luck!

Great post! I think your second option: going & doing soul searching while there is excellent. This would put the husband on notice of just how important these issues are to the OP. And by issues, I don't mean just a Disney vacation. The secrecy; putting his mother's house & in-laws baby before me; him making one sided decisions about our future & putting our money into his family's business are the issues that are important. Those are the things that can break a marriage, in my opinion.

If this was me, I would need to get these things worked out. Or there wouldn't be another anniversary to be celebrated.

Good luck to you OP. I hope your husband drops his defensive attitude & puts you & your marriage first.


edit to add : I forgot the name calling. I don't ever think it is OK for one partner to call the other names, even if it is only "selfish". Name calling is totally disrespectful to your partner.

 

[talulabelle]

Oh let me just say. I did think of doing this. I was so upset that we were going to have to give up the perfectly paid for reservations at AKV and all the dining ADRs that I've stressed out making, that I brought up the idea of me going with down there with a friend, and he was furious that I even brought that idea up! I was thinking, "well better than just throwing it all away" I could make use of it. He said I was so selfish for thinking this. That it was supposed to be our special trip. Yeah. It was. Apparently I am just crazy.

Your Dh would rather lose all that money and see you sit home sad, than let you go on a trip with a friend and enjoy yourself? You're only allowed to be happy if you are with him?

 

[Minnesota!]

I'm probably not going to say this right, it's late, I'm tired, I have to be up in 5 hours, but here goes (rather bluntly) ...

He has chosen his family before his wife and you're being selfish? Seriously? And he loaned money that could affect your lifestyle without even mentioning it to you beforehand?

And further got upset when you suggested going with a friend because it's supposed to be your special trip. So what do you get instead of this special trip?

Sorry but I just don't see how you're being selfish. It's not like you were just going up the road to a fancy hotel and dinner. It's Disney! Which yes, will still be there later but still ... it's Disney!

I hope you two can work something out.

Why in the world are you asking his permission to go?? JUST GO.

 

[hentob]

Your Dh would rather lose all that money and see you sit home sad, than let you go on a trip with a friend and enjoy yourself? You're only allowed to be happy if you are with him?

It's all about control. I know several women that live like this and it breaks my heart.