HS Graduation - NOT

[cheerful chickadee]

I did not get to walk the stage for graduation and I have regretted it ever since. I guess I'm in the minority of those that actually regret not getting the traditional graduation but the difference is that I really did want to walk the stage and was looking forward to it.

That said, if your DS has valid reasons for not wanting to then I guess you should respect his wishes. If he plans on going to college then there will be another graduation in his future!

My ds(17) is graduating in June and he is excited to walk the stage. I understand that some see the college graduation as a bigger deal but I think hs graduation is also a milestone to celebrate. They have worked hard toward this so why not celebrate it? My son does not want a graduation party with a bunch of relatives that he barely knows so we will respect that. Most of his friends have huge families and therefore huge grad. parties. We are planning to have a dinner with close friends and family at ds' favorite restaurant.

 

[North of Mouse]

DS does not want to attend graduation. He has a list of reasons and they are valid. The rational side of me says let him do what he wants. The sentimental mom wants him to walk. I know in the scheme of life it really doesn't matter and either way he gets a diploma.

If you had a child that skipped the grad ceremonies, I want to hear from you.

Our youngest son was very emphatic from a few years before grad. that he would not be attending. He was a top scholar and told them to give his place to the next in line. He was also a Merit Scholar and attended his choice of 6 universities (free ride).

We had no choice but to 'honor' what he wanted - was NOT a case of 'letting' him do what he wanted.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

My parents forced me. Not sure why but they did. I had great grades but felt very uncomfortable with the people in my school. Also I knew my father would disappoint me and he did.

All these years later I wish I never had to go. I know logically I should have let it go, but sometimes the scars are very deep.

Never would I force my child to something so I can feel their accomplishments. OP you said he had a list of very good reasons not to go.

Please ask him is he would like to plan a special day that makes you both happy. Now that is something you both will remember fondly.

 

[aprilgail2]

What is wrong with doing it for the whole family? Did the child participate in high school all alone for the past 4 years, or do you think FAMILY had some type of involvement in it?

And each of those involved family members had their own shot to walk at their own graduations- why force a kid that doesn't want at his own ceremony walk- just for the family??? Come on have some respect for the kids wishes!

It's really not. As for the first part- it's supposed to be a happy occasion, if you HAVE to 'suck it up' then there's no point in going.

I can't believe how selfish some people are forcing their kids into something just because the parents feel they themselves have earned it!

 

[PaulaSB12]

We all have to do things in life that we don't WANT to do. We all work with people we don't like. We have customers/clients we don't care for. We have to make tough decisions. It doesn't mean you can just take your ball and go home becuase you don't want to play anymore. It's called LIFE. Suck it up. 2 hours of your life and you might just get something out of it.

I go to a few high school graduation ceremonies and I am inspired by the speeches. It is the ending to a 4 year journey that involves not only other students, but teachers, administration, family, etc. It is so much more than just walking up to get a slip of paper.

And to those who are surprised at MY response....well, I'm just as shocked at yours.

Yes we all have to do things we don't want to BUT when you can decide not to do it, and his mother says he has valid reasons, then why not skip it

 

[disykat]

Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see anyone here "forcing" their child to go. I'm one of the people who said I would want my child to walk. There's a far cry between wanting or even encouraging your child to go through a graduation ceremony and FORCING him too.

I would agree that it is ultimately the graduate's decision, but I think it goes back to the "do you consider your teenager an adult?" question. For me, that ceremony was sort of when they became an adult. I would have had no qualms at all asking my child to give me a moment at that transition point, nor would they have had qualms about granting it.

 

[luvsJack]

I think most people that wouldn't want their kid to skip it would be worried about their child regretting it later. Not like its something you can go back and do later.

Maybe because our hs is small and the kids are generally close, there is no comparison of hs and college ceremonies. I would be more likely to be ok with dd missing her college graduation than hs. College is great and all and of course its a huge accomplishment but for the memories of it all, I wouldn't want to miss high school graduation.

But, otoh, I do think the OP's son has valid reasons and if he is sure he will not regret it; I guess I would be ok with it. I would have some discussions though. And would want to know that he is absolutely sure he doesn't want to. But it does sound like her really has already moved on from high school so his not wanting to walk is understandable.

If the ceremony is something that for some reasons is very important to mom and dad or grandma or grandpa and their reasons are also very valid, then I would agree to suck it up and walk. In some families a hs graduation or seeing the graduate walk is extremely important for them--as in someone close to the graduate won't be around when it comes time for the college graduation or he's the first grandkid to graduate; you know, some really important reason.






I think its sad that so many had such a horrible experience in hs that they didn't want to have this experience. I understand it, but still think its sad.

 

[kimblebee]

What is wrong with doing it for the whole family? Did the child participate in high school all alone for the past 4 years, or do you think FAMILY had some type of involvement in it?

I really don't see it as my whole family helped get me through high school. I did the work, it was me. The only family who went to my high school graduation were my parents. I didn't go to any of my siblings graduations and I sure didn't care that they weren't there when I graduated. If my daughter wants to skip her graduation in 4 years I will have no problem with it at all.

 

[powellrj]

I think what some people are missing is that school doesn't hold warm and fuzzy feeling for many families. HS was a nightmare for my DS and for us. We spent most of the time fighting about it. I use to joke I was BFFs with the Dean of Boys and my day wasn't complete without a phone call from him. By the time graduation time was here, I just wanted the whole school year to be over and none of us wanted any part of his graduation.

He is now a different person and I think he will attend his college graduation and we will all be proud of what he has done with his life and will attend with him if thats what he wants.

Like I said earlier, his little sister will graduate in June as Valedictorian of her class and as a family we are all excited for her and can't wait to attend.

 

[hereyago]

What is wrong with doing it for the whole family? Did the child participate in high school all alone for the past 4 years, or do you think FAMILY had some type of involvement in it?

Um, for me, no they didn't have any involvement. I was in 2 schools in 11th and 12th grade, regular high and magnet school. It was ME doing the work, ME going to both schools every day.

As for these "milestones". I didn't go to prom or homecoming after going to a dance in 9th grade and seeing that drama. I have no regrets 20 year or so later.
People tend to think the ceremony should outshine the actual accomplishment: Parent of adult child who is about to get married: oh let's have amazing wedding, sorry I'd rather have an amazing marriage.

I walked for graduation. I didn't have to, I could have picked up the diploma later from the school system. It was funny at graduation they told us if we threw our caps, they would take the diplomas away. Yea, didn't see it happen when some of us did it, we were no longer" students" that they had any control of anymore.

I honestly think it's disrespectful to have anyone including a parent, try to guilt or manipulate because they think the graduation or whatever is about THEM. Oh we paid for your private school, ok, you chose to do that, so. Think about how you would feel if someone tried to guilt you into doing something you didn't want to do.

 

[sbtrfly74]

OP here

Many of you asked his reasons - there are many but the main one is he is attending the community college for all his classes this year and really doesn't like those in his class. He has a few friends and sees them regularly. This year he is far removed from high school activities.

Also our hs graduates at an arena 30 minutes away. It seats over 10K. From what I've heard it is very loud, impersonal and you can only see your kid on the jumbotron.

I can understand where he's coming from. My DD is also doing duel enrollment (what its called here) and even though she hasn't mentioned not going to graduation I would agree it would be a valid reason.

She's still close to her friends in HS but really loves going to college this year. I really dont think she thinks she has an option not to go, but Im not going to tell her that lol.

 

[disykat]

Think about how you would feel if someone tried to guilt you into doing something you didn't want to do.

I would think "hmm, it seems really important to them, I suppose I can sit through a two hour ceremony for their sake."

Again, I haven't seen anyone here say they would force their child to go through the ceremony if they were adamantly opposed to it or if high school had been torturous for them.

I went through the college graduation ceremony for one person - my sister. It was important to her. She had graduated 6 months earlier and felt it was a big deal. (I went to that too - for her!) She wanted mine to be a big deal too. I remember little of it, it just wasn't a big deal to me. My parents came, but they weren't really into it either. I'm glad I did it - for her.

 

[mom2rtk]

My younger DS graduated college last year. A few months before graduation he told us that he didn't want to attend the ceremony. He said that the university mails the degree afterwards, and there are so many people, so why bother going.

My DH and I told him that the graduation ceremony was for US, not him. LOL We gave up a lot to pay for his education and all we asked in return (other than him passing his classes, of course) was that we be able to see him in his cap and gown and hear his name and degree announced.

He didn't argue with that, and in the end he was very happy and excited on the day he graduated.


Like a PP said, it's not a bad thing to do something benign, in order to make someone happy. My DS really didn't have what I'd call "valid" reasons to not go.

OP: Not knowing your DS's reasons, I don't know how I would react in that exact situation. My DS loved school and excelled; he had a lot of good friends; was receiving awards, etc, so he really did not have any valid reasons for not wanting to go, other than that he can be a bit of a homebody at times.


P.S. My DS didn't want a big graduation party for HS or for college; we did respect those wishes and only had small parties for him, immediate family, and his close friends. High school party was at home; college party was in a private room at his favorite local restaurant. He enjoyed those.

I feel the same way about it. And we will pass on the big party in favor of a nice dinner at the restaurant of his choice.

My son will graduate college in the spring of 2015. Just earlier today I mentioned to my husband that a little over a year from now we will be discussing graduation. He said "You don't think he's really going to attend, do you?" I suppose I already knew the answer to that. I really don't ask for much. But I'm going to ask for that as my mother's day gift that year. It's a small school and he probably only has a few hundred in his graduating class so not too big a production.

Without going into a lot of detail about our son, it has very much been a family effort, full of many ups and downs. And I want that day and those photos.

 

[hereyago]

I would think "hmm, it seems really important to them, I suppose I can sit through a two hour ceremony for their sake."

Again, I haven't seen anyone here say they would force their child to go through the ceremony if they were adamantly opposed to it or if high school had been torturous for them.

.

I was speaking generally in regards to someone trying to guilt you or manipulate you, I don't think in every instance you would do it would you?

I haven't read where someone says I will snatch my graduate up and walk them across the stage myself, but there are posts saying they don't have a choice. I am not sure how they would not have a choice.

 

[luvsJack]

I would think "hmm, it seems really important to them, I suppose I can sit through a two hour ceremony for their sake."

Again, I haven't seen anyone here say they would force their child to go through the ceremony if they were adamantly opposed to it or if high school had been torturous for them.

I went through the college graduation ceremony for one person - my sister. It was important to her. She had graduated 6 months earlier and felt it was a big deal. (I went to that too - for her!) She wanted mine to be a big deal too. I remember little of it, it just wasn't a big deal to me. My parents came, but they weren't really into it either. I'm glad I did it - for her.

I went to my college graduation for the same reason---well it was technical degree not a 4 year but still long and boring. But for whatever reason my mom and my sister very much wanted me to so I did.

It doesn't sound like its important to the OP for her son to walk and that is perfectly ok but for some kids, they really should think about how their family feels. HS graduation is that step between childhood and adulthood and as part of learning to be an adult, you learn that sometimes you do things because its important to other people.

 

[Cindy B]

OP here - Thank you everyone for your opinions. We made a compromise. He does not have to walk at graduation but he will march with the band one last time for the Memorial Day parade. (optional for seniors).

Many of you asked his reasons - there are many but the main one is he is attending the community college for all his classes this year and really doesn't like those in his class. He has a few friends and sees them regularly. This year he is far removed from high school activities.

Also our hs graduates at an arena 30 minutes away. It seats over 10K. From what I've heard it is very loud, impersonal and you can only see your kid on the jumbotron.

Your son sounds a lot like mine. He was taking classes at the community college since sophomore year so to him, senior year was a waste. Our graduation ceremony is in a huge stadium with the Jumbotron set up.

It is loud, crowded and impersonal.

 

[Schmeck]

For those that say that their family had nothing to do with their success in high school, I'm so sorry that they did not give you food, shelter, clothing, pay the taxes, rent, utilities, transportation, and provide a place for you to study. You should be very, very proud of how you did it all on your own.

For those with children who are not connected in any way to their class and do not want to attend graduation, I'm sorry that they did not have the support they needed to feel connected to their community.

For the PP who stated that for those getting honors there were the kids bullied by the honorees - really? In my decade plus experience as an aide, teacher, and parent of high school students I've never seen/heard of a non-honors student getting bullied by an honors student. I have been involved in the resolution of the opposite scenario though. I work with the students that tend to be the targets of bullies as well, and the bullying has come from the same peer group or from students in a lower level of academic classes.

 

[mrsklamc]

For those that say that their family had nothing to do with their success in high school, I'm so sorry that they did not give you food, shelter, clothing, pay the taxes, rent, utilities, transportation, and provide a place for you to study. You should be very, very proud of how you did it all on your own.

For the PP who stated that for those getting honors there were the kids bullied by the honorees - really? In my decade plus experience as an aide, teacher, and parent of high school students I've never seen/heard of a non-honors student getting bullied by an honors student.

I think you think you're being sarcastic about students whose parents did nothing, but the sad reality is, there are a lot of kids out there for whom that is true.

Honors students tend to come from families who are more well off and better adjusted socially- and are better and knowing how things should 'look.' In short- there are absolutely bullies who are honors students, they are just better at getting away with it.

 

[luvsJack]

I think you think you're being sarcastic about students whose parents did nothing, but the sad reality is, there are a lot of kids out there for whom that is true.

Honors students tend to come from families who are more well off and better adjusted socially- and are better and knowing how things should 'look.' In short- there are absolutely bullies who are honors students, they are just better at getting away with it.

There are bullies and victims are every level. To say that the honor students are bullying the non honor students is not fair. DD's bully, where ever she is now, I can guarantee is NOT an honor student. One of the problems with DS's bully was that he was jealous of the ease with which DS sailed through his classes.

 

[mrsklamc]

There are bullies and victims are every level. To say that the honor students are bullying the non honor students is not fair. DD's bully, where ever she is now, I can guarantee is NOT an honor student. One of the problems with DS's bully was that he was jealous of the ease with which DS sailed through his classes.

I agree that there are bullies and victims at every level. I was responding to someone who said she had only heard of people being bullied by those with lower academic status.