HS Graduation - NOT

[Laura66]

Not grandparents, but for parents, this is what you sign up for when you choose to have a kid. Anyone who is not prepared to do it without feeling like they're owed something in return, should not have children.

This is how I feel as a parent! Again! I'd be very disappointed - but no way, no how would I feel comfortable guilting my child into doing something he felt so strongly about not doing - just to make me happy! Especially if he has a valid reason and it's not required!

 

[Klismania]

But, I am saying this is the perspective I would have as a student/child: at our school it was always a tribute to those who helped us along the way.

You think of parents and grandparents who paid for books, school clothes, school supplies. They paid for prom dresses, tux rentals, school lunches. They drove you to the movies, to the mall, to and from friends' houses. They called to make sure the library was still open when you waited till the last minute to finish a book report. They took a long lunch to run home and grab a permission slip that you forgot at home, to bring it up to school for you. And so on and so forth. If you went to private school, they paid a chunk in tuition.

From my perspective, allowing your parents and grandparents the joy of seeing their child graduate, in some cases, if an only child, it may be their ONLY chance to see a child graduate- in my mind, it is a small price to pay and doesn't even come close to re-paying a parent for all they did to help you get to that point.

I almost hate to bring this up.....but who asked those parents to do all that? The kid never had a choice to be born and I see most of the things you listed as things the PARENTS wanted; not the child.

I grew up in the 70's and the idea of my parents taking long lunches to bring permission slips because I was forgetful? HAH!! Didn't happen! Employers weren't quite so understanding about that sort of thing. In fact, that sort of thing was one of the reasons why it was so hard for working mothers to even get a job then. So we were taught that if we forgot anything (like lunch money, permission slips or homework) we had to do without and learn how to NOT forget things in the future.

If we needed a ride somewhere, we had to work it out with our friends or go when it was convenient for our parents to go. That was the era of the energy crisis, remember? Frivolous jaunts to the movies or the mall were expensive. That's what our legs or bikes were for.

Everything you just rattled off sounds like a great big, "Look at everything I sacrificed for YOU! So YOU had better sacrifice something for ME you ungrateful little brat!"

Ergo, 10 years from now you won't have to worry about sacrificing anything more for me, Mom. I've already taken up too much of your precious time and I'm sorry I was such a horrifying burden to you while you were waiting for me to grow up and get the hell out of your house.

 

[luvsJack]

I must be a terrible person because I don't think as an adult, my role in life is to live only to satisfy other people's needs. And I certainly wouldn't expect my child to attend his graduation if he felt strongly about not wanting to, because his grandparent's deserve to see him walk simply because they lived long enough. Nor do I think it has anything to do with teachers either. If you are a teacher, it's your job to teach and your reward is both your paycheck and emotionally, I suppose, knowing that your students did well and learned what you were charged with teaching them.



Totally agree. Although I try to live my life where I am giving and compassionate, it drives me totally insane when people discount other's feelings because they believe their own sense of self-entitlement trumps everyone elses.

Its not entitlement of the parents or grandparents that want to see the celebration of this milestone, imo.

If you think of your graduating child as now being an adult then they should be able to think of someone besides themselves. And giving an hour or two out of their lives to make granddad happy isn't really that big of a sacrifice for someone that loves them.

There have been brides that have moved their wedding date up so their dying parent could be there. I am sure there were many sacrifices they had to make in their wedding by doing that; but it was a giving, adult thing to do.

Someone else mentioned funerals. Most people hate going to funerals or wakes but they go. They give an hour or two of their time because it may be important to someone for them to be there. Its the adult thing to do.

And yes, it was/is my job as a parent to see to it that my child got an education. High school is part of that education. But, that doesn't mean seeing the end result of that job shouldn't be important to me or any parent.

 

[Laura66]

If you think of your graduating child as now being an adult then they should be able to think of someone besides themselves. And giving an hour or two out of their lives to make granddad happy isn't really that big of a sacrifice for someone that loves them.

There have been brides that have moved their wedding date up so their dying parent could be there. I am sure there were many sacrifices they had to make in their wedding by doing that; but it was a giving, adult thing to do.
.

So tell me - why do the parents feelings trump the son s feeling??? That makes no sense!

And sometimes it's too painful for adults to be at a funeral and they don't go. When my bother did unexpectedly last year my father was to distraught to go to the wake. I would have loved to have had him there and maybe people think he should have sucked it up and came - but I understood he just couldn't! He was too heartbroken and a person who is not comfortable being emotional in front of others.

For you and others who might judge him harshly because he didn't go - well, I really don't care,

 

[mrsklamc]

Its not entitlement of the parents or grandparents that want to see the celebration of this milestone, imo.

If you think of your graduating child as now being an adult then they should be able to think of someone besides themselves. And giving an hour or two out of their lives to make granddad happy isn't really that big of a sacrifice for someone that loves them.

There have been brides that have moved their wedding date up so their dying parent could be there. I am sure there were many sacrifices they had to make in their wedding by doing that; but it was a giving, adult thing to do.

Someone else mentioned funerals. Most people hate going to funerals or wakes but they go. They give an hour or two of their time because it may be important to someone for them to be there. Its the adult thing to do.

And yes, it was/is my job as a parent to see to it that my child got an education. High school is part of that education. But, that doesn't mean seeing the end result of that job shouldn't be important to me or any parent.

If they really don't want to go, it probably IS a big sacrifice for them to go. On the other hand, the adult thing for the grandparent or parent to do is not force the kid to participate in a meaningless ceremony when they don't want to.

I don't hate going to funerals. I go because I truly want to support the family left behind, and I'm sure that if most surviving family members knew that the guests hated being there but felt obligated, they'd want them to not come.

A bride that moves their wedding up most likely does so because she WANTS her family member to be there.

As for seeing the end result - the end result is having a high school education, not attending a ceremony.

 

[disykat]

Here's what I see in this thread:

I don't think there's any disagreement that it's the accomplishment, not the ceremony that's important.

I don't see anyone here talking about forcing or guilting their child into attending their high school graduation.

What I see is a difference of opinion about whether the graduation ceremony is for the student or for the family and whether the family has any "right" to weigh in on attendance.

 

[undertheradar]

Is there a requirement that the family may only attend if the graduate participates? Otherwise, if you feel you must go, do so and leave the family member that doesn't want to participate stay home.

 

[luv2sleep]

This thread is long. I only read the OP's post. I say let him skip it if he wants to. IMO HS graduation is not a big deal. Grad school graduation is though. I wish I'd skipped my HS graduation. Meant nothing really. The grad school one was way more meaningful

 

[mrsklamc]

I don't see anyone here talking about forcing or guilting their child into attending their high school graduation.

Then you might want to read the thread again.

 

[luvsJack]

So tell me - why do the parents feelings trump the so s feeling??? That makes no sense!

And sometimes it's too painful for adults to be at a funeral and they don't go. When my bother did unexpectedly last year my father was to distraught to go to the wake. I would have loved to have had him there and maybe people think he should have sucked it up and came - but I understood he just couldn't! He was too heartbroken and a person who is not comfortable being emotional in front of others.

For you and others who might judge him harshly because he didn't go - well, I really don't care,

Where did I say I would judge anyone?

My sons and I have a very hard time with military funerals. My dad had a military funeral. Less than a year later, their other grandfather died. We weren't expecting anything military but during the burial Taps was played. We all broke down and had a really hard, hard time with it.

Since that time none of us attend military funerals if we can avoid it. For my bil's father's funeral, I knew it would be military so instead of going, I opened the nursery at the church and kept all of the young children so that I would still be there for bil and the family. For others that we know will be military, we attend the wake only or the service but not the burial.

Your father and his grief are not what I am talking about. I am talking about the man whose great-aunt he never knew died and he attends the funeral to be there for his grandmother. He is doing the adult thing and making a small sacrifice for his grandmother. Or the person whose next door neighbor's mother dies. A father not attending the funeral of his child is a different thing entirely. At that point HIS feelings trump all.

If they really don't want to go, it probably IS a big sacrifice for them to go. On the other hand, the adult thing for the grandparent or parent to do is not force the kid to participate in a meaningless ceremony when they don't want to.

I don't hate going to funerals. I go because I truly want to support the family left behind, and I'm sure that if most surviving family members knew that the guests hated being there but felt obligated, they'd want them to not come.

A bride that moves their wedding up most likely does so because she WANTS her family member to be there.

As for seeing the end result - the end result is having a high school education, not attending a ceremony.

I didn't say anyone should force anyone to do anything. I am saying that an almost adult child should be able to think in those terms. But then I don't think of it as "meaningless" ceremony. To me, it holds great meaning. And 2 hours out of anyone's life is a small sacrifice.

A lot of people are plain uncomfortable at funerals. They ARE there to support the family, they suck it up and go for the same reasons you do.

You don't think that bride may have to change the things she wants in her wedding? What about the groom?

 

[kellib36]

My niece chose to walk rather than go on a Panama Canal cruise. Her Dad was pushing her to do the trip, since "it's just a few steps, no big deal". Easy for him to say since he did his steps.

No one can tell the grad what they will miss. Chances are, no matter what the choice, they will be torn later in life. But their decision is what's important.

 

[mrsklamc]

Where did I say I would judge anyone?

My sons and I have a very hard time with military funerals. My dad had a military funeral. Less than a year later, their other grandfather died. We weren't expecting anything military but during the burial Taps was played. We all broke down and had a really hard, hard time with it.

Since that time none of us attend military funerals if we can avoid it. For my bil's father's funeral, I knew it would be military so instead of going, I opened the nursery at the church and kept all of the young children so that I would still be there for bil and the family. For others that we know will be military, we attend the wake only or the service but not the burial.

Your father and his grief are not what I am talking about. I am talking about the man whose great-aunt he never knew died and he attends the funeral to be there for his grandmother. He is doing the adult thing and making a small sacrifice for his grandmother. Or the person whose next door neighbor's mother dies. A father not attending the funeral of his child is a different thing entirely. At that point HIS feelings trump all.



I didn't say anyone should force anyone to do anything. I am saying that an almost adult child should be able to think in those terms. But then I don't think of it as "meaningless" ceremony. To me, it holds great meaning. And 2 hours out of anyone's life is a small sacrifice.

A lot of people are plain uncomfortable at funerals. They ARE there to support the family, they suck it up and go for the same reasons you do.

You don't think that bride may have to change the things she wants in her wedding? What about the groom?

It's not a typical decision to not go to HS graduation, so the odds are that if someone doesn't want to, it's because they have very strong feelings about why they don't want to. So it's probably NOT a small sacrifice for them to go.

It's a meaningless ceremony IMO because it does not change anything. It has zero bearing on whether someone is actually a HS graduate.

I assume that a couple who has to change things in their wedding so that a family member can be present, makes that decision jointly, and if they have to give up things they would have wanted, it's their decision.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Not grandparents, but for parents, this is what you sign up for when you choose to have a kid. Anyone who is not prepared to do it without feeling like they're owed something in return, should not have children.

And as I stated in that post, my perspective was that of student/child, NOT parent.

I am not saying that a parent should expect their child to do that or feel that way.

I was saying for ME...not that I would be, but even if I were inclined to want to skip a graduation, those were the reasons that I would go through with it.

 

[luvsJack]

It's not a typical decision to not go to HS graduation, so the odds are that if someone doesn't want to, it's because they have very strong feelings about why they don't want to. So it's probably NOT a small sacrifice for them to go.

It's a meaningless ceremony IMO because it does not change anything. It has zero bearing on whether someone is actually a HS graduate.

I assume that a couple who has to change things in their wedding so that a family member can be present, makes that decision jointly, and if they have to give up things they would have wanted, it's their decision.

We will have to agree to disagree on the meaningless part because I think it is something that is meaningful. A wedding is a meaningful ceremony but one can be married without it so changing something is not really the point, imho.

In the case of the OP, she doesn't have any strong reasons to want her son to walk at graduation and her sons feelings are valid so its really here nor there. BUT, if a graduate had the same reasons but there was a strong feeling for some part of the family that would be attending then that graduate should consider more than his or her own feelings.

 

[Mickeynutty]

My DS skipped his. He has no regrets. We did celebrate with a party.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

My DS skipped his. He has no regrets. We did celebrate with a party.

This to me is like people going to a wedding reception, but skipping the ceremony.

 

[Aliceacc]

What I tell our Seniors the day of graduation is this:

Today, believe it or not, is NOT about you. You've had all the events over the last weeks leading up to graduation, you've had college acceptance, you have all the stuff this summer leading up to going to college. But today is not YOUR day.

Today is about your parents. It's about their baby achieving a huge milestone and growing up. It's about their chance to say some goodbyes to the baby you once were, the one they can still see in your eyes. It's their chance to hear your name announced, to see you stand in the spotlight and receive that diploma, and beam with pride.

So you're doing today for THEM, as a small thank you for al they've given up to allow you to achieve this milestone. And I want you to stand tall, to give them that photograph of you becoming an adult.

And, in some small measure, it's also for your classmates and your teachers. This is the last time you guys will EVER be together as a class. Your opting out takes away from that...and, yes, we will know. No matter how your high school years went, there are teachers who taught you and will mourn your absence. There are kids who will mourn your absence, whether or not you know their names, they'll notice. You are part of this class; without you, the whole class isn't celebrating this milestone.

I realize there are some exceptions-- say, kids who have been bullied and can't wait for this part of their life to end. And I'm not really talking about them... I'm talking about the typical whine that graduation is long and boring. Yep, it is. Every single year. But those minutes when the entire class (all 600 of them) processes in, and that moment when YOU are standing in the spotlight making mom and dad proud-- those minutes are time you give back to others.

OP, do what's right for your family of course. But I'm sincerely hoping that every one of the 600 or so of our current Seniors attends the graduation ceremony in June.

 

[Disney Doll]

I had a good HS experience and did go to my graduation. 34 years later I can honestly say I have no significant memory if it.

I went to a small Catholic school where only 200 kids graduated, not one where the graduation would be in a stadium and I'd be seen on a Jumbotron.

 

[Mickeynutty]

This to me is like people going to a wedding reception, but skipping the ceremony.

We did not feel that way. I should have said, we supported his decision.

 

[mom2rtk]

What I tell our Seniors the day of graduation is this:

Today, believe it or not, is NOT about you. You've had all the events over the last weeks leading up to graduation, you've had college acceptance, you have all the stuff this summer leading up to going to college. But today is not YOUR day.

Today is about your parents. It's about their baby achieving a huge milestone and growing up. It's about their chance to say some goodbyes to the baby you once were, the one they can still see in your eyes. It's their chance to hear your name announced, to see you stand in the spotlight and receive that diploma, and beam with pride.

So you're doing today for THEM, as a small thank you for al they've given up to allow you to achieve this milestone. And I want you to stand tall, to give them that photograph of you becoming an adult.

And, in some small measure, it's also for your classmates and your teachers. This is the last time you guys will EVER be together as a class. Your opting out takes away from that...and, yes, we will know. No matter how your high school years went, there are teachers who taught you and will mourn your absence. There are kids who will mourn your absence, whether or not you know their names, they'll notice. You are part of this class; without you, the whole class isn't celebrating this milestone.

I realize there are some exceptions-- say, kids who have been bullied and can't wait for this part of their life to end. And I'm not really talking about them... I'm talking about the typical whine that graduation is long and boring. Yep, it is. Every single year. But those minutes when the entire class (all 600 of them) processes in, and that moment when YOU are standing in the spotlight making mom and dad proud-- those minutes are time you give back to others.

OP, do what's right for your family of course. But I'm sincerely hoping that every one of the 600 or so of our current Seniors attends the graduation ceremony in June.

Thank you for sharing that.

In a day when "it takes a village" is a very common theme, I'm really surprised at the number of posts saying the graduate has only himself to consider.