How Would You Help?

[mjkacmom]

I’d never get a trampoline, my kids have begged, I’m not taking chances with my home owners or getting sued.

 

[firefly_ris]

They definitely need to understand budgeting or basically the art of keeping the lights on even when you get behind.

I feel bad for the kids. I guess that is why we were thinking of something the kids would love. But maybe smaller gifts are the way to go.

I forgot to mention that I think it's wonderful that you care and want to assist them!

 

[PollyannaMom]

It’s not the trampoline, we can get them anything in that price range (200). It’s really a choice of buy them something for Christmas or hand them cash.

I definitely think you should do gifts over cash. Bailing them out money-wise is a temporary thing. A Christmas where Santa "forgot" them would stay in the kids' memories forever!

My first reaction was to say do several smaller gifts for the kids (worrying about the trampoline for insurance reasons). But I do also see your idea as having the wow-factor that more practical presents wouldn't. (Plus, if you live someplace warm, the'll have a great Christmas day playing on it, and it will help them forget their recent difficulties for a bit.) Sorry I'm not more help!

 

[luvsJack]

I forgot to mention that I think it's wonderful that you care and want to assist them!

Thank you. It’s just so sad to me for the kids.

 

[luvsJack]

I definitely think you should do gifts over cash. Bailing them out money-wise is a temporary thing. A Christmas where Santa "forgot" them would stay in the kids' memories forever!

My first reaction was to say do several smaller gifts for the kids (worrying about the trampoline for insurance reasons). But I do also see your idea as having the wow-factor that more practical presents wouldn't. (Plus, if you live someplace warm, the'll have a great Christmas day playing on it, and it will help them forget their recent difficulties for a bit.) Sorry I'm not more help!

Lol. You sound like us! We keep going back and forth.

Think I will talk to my neighbor who is going in on it with me and we will decide whether to do the big thing or smaller things.

But thanks everyone. I definitely am ok now with not giving cash to them.

 

[Hikergirl]

Just as a for example, had the money to pay rent (850), car had to be fixed and it was 350. Talked to landlord and she let them not pay rent. So should have had 500 to use on something else, right? So pay the utilities! Nope. Spent the 500. (I only know these details because neighbor and I were trying to sit down with the mom and figure out a way out of this mess and she explained why they were behind on the rent) In our conversation, it became very apparent that she, at least, doesn’t want to change anything to fix it. So we just dropped any conversation about it.

We do know that he is set to go back to school soon for a trade. Everything is set up just waiting for the time to start.

I can happily buy the trampoline and know the kids have something for Christmas or give them cash and be resentful. But it’s not about me. So what would you do?

I wouldn't give them cash because it seems they may not use it for what is needed and instead just blow it on something.
I'm not really sure I'd gift them a trampoline due to possibility of injuries which sounds like these people would struggle to be able to pay for, or possible rise in HO insurance that they may struggle to pay for as well.
I would give them other gifts.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Food?
Grocery store gift card?
Pay their water bill?

 

[monsterkitty]

Pay the water and electric bills. You can just call the company and say you want to do it anonymously. We did it many times for my SIL.

If you want to buy gifts, buy things that are a need not a want. Many people who have little money will often spend the money they have on a want and not a need. Don't buy a trampoline. It does the family no real good.

 

[barkley]

This statement kind of rubs me the wrong way. I hope you realize that millions of parents are not able to pay bills, or feed their kids and it has NOTHING to do with their parenting style. Do not judge please. There are many parents, single moms working 2 or 3 jobs trying their best to keep a roof over their head, miss rent, get evicted and are damn good parents. Or get sick / divorced and lose a home. I personally know too many. As Disney fans people should watch The Florida Project.. Unfortunately just one example of one city of many in America.

i'm very well aware-i served in need families my entire multi decades career in social services BUT the reality is that there are individuals who choose to make poor choices-and it's strictly that-a personal choice. some become reliant on always being bailed out by well meaning friends/family/community resources and sadly often uses their children as that which creates tremendous sympathy and resistance to discontinue help from the well meaning. the o/p shares-

This isn’t the first time.

we both feel like we are inabling them to stay in this mess if we just hand them money. We have both helped them before. Not been paid back and a month or two later they are right back where they started. After awhile you feel sucked dry, you know?

Just as a for example, had the money to pay rent (850), car had to be fixed and it was 350. Talked to landlord and she let them not pay rent. So should have had 500 to use on something else, right? So pay the utilities! Nope. Spent the 500.

In our conversation, it became very apparent that she, at least, doesn’t want to change anything to fix it. So we just dropped any conversation about it.

this isn't someone working multiple jobs to keep the roof over their/kid's heads, this isn't someone who missed just one utility payment (i paid enough dshs funds to know that it takes A LONG period of time for certain utilities to get cut off if the person is making even so much as a $5 goodwill payment per month, and as i said in my original post-some utilities are prohibited by law to be cut off so what the op and others are being told may not be the reality of the situation). this is someone who is choosing how and what they want to spend their limited monies on-and it's not seemingly on the best interests of their children.

i don't need to watch a fictional movie to see what i can tell you from personal experience is a very sanitized for marketability version of the struggles many people go through. i worked with the kids and parents, i arranged for their utilities to get paid, their tables to have groceries, their injured to get care and far too many children to be buried. forgive me if i don't find it entertaining to view a movie that even touches on the subject.

 

[Southernmiss]

Pay the water and electric bills. You can just call the company and say you want to do it anonymously. We did it many times for my SIL.

If you want to buy gifts, buy things that are a need not a want. Many people who have little money will often spend the money they have on a want and not a need. Don't buy a trampoline. It does the family no real good.

MTE. Luvsjack, I know you live in an area where there are lots of churches that offer the Dave Ramsey program. If the parents would go to that and try to change their habits, it could go a long way to helping this family out.

I would pay the utility bills this time, offer to take them to the Dave Ramsey course or find a sitter for the kids while mom and dad go to the course. And buy some small gifts for the kids.

We had a trampoline for my 4 kids, fortunately, there was only one scrape to remember on the trampoline, but I certainly would not buy one for "strangers".

Whatever reason, these adults are in a cycle that they are not breaking. Sad for the kids, but the parents need to want to get out of it for the best opportunities for their kids.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Just as it is not appropriate to give a kid candy when he has not had a meal, it is not appropriate to give a kid a toy when he needs shelter or clothes.



Further, if they're just above the line to get assistance, they're low income.

Prioriies.

1. House payment, utilities, Food, clothes
2. transportaion
...
...
...
...
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1056. A trampoline.

I know you want the kids to have a good Christmas, and that is commendable. But there are other needs over a trampoline. Maybe get some smaller things for the kids and help them get their utilities up?

 

[wvjules]

How old are the kids?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So it’s Christmas and we all want everyone to have a happy and merry Christmas. But I have a neighbor that needs more help than I can give and I am not sure how to help or if I should.

They have major financial issues. Right now they are staying with another neighbor because their lights and water and possibly gas are disconnected. It’s not cold here so that’s not the issue. But they were supposed to get their lights back on this week and go home. The mutual neighbor says they have to go home Friday. And then their water gets disconnected. And there is no way they can pay both plus the gas plus their car note that is also past due. Neighbor still says they have to go home before Christmas. She really doesn’t have the room and her family will be home Saturday so she isn’t being mean or heartless, just nothing she can do.

They are not terribly low income. But probably just over the limit for getting public assistance.

This isn’t the first time. They are always on the brink of something getting turned off or repoed or being evicted. They have borrowed money from everyone to the point no one will loan them money.

So the neighbor they are staying with and I were going to go in together and get their kids a trampoline for Christmas. There are 4 kids pretty close in age and they love my grankids’ trampoline.

Neither of us can do more than that. But now we have been discussing whether we should just give them the money for the trampoline and let them do what they want with it. OTOH, it’s not enough to fix any of it and the kids still won’t get anything.

And honestly, we both feel like we are inabling them to stay in this mess if we just hand them money. We have both helped them before. Not been paid back and a month or two later they are right back where they started. After awhile you feel sucked dry, you know?

And just so it’s clear, there are no drugs, alcohol or other addictions involved that we can tell. Just barely able to pay the bills and very bad at handling money.

Just as a for example, had the money to pay rent (850), car had to be fixed and it was 350. Talked to landlord and she let them not pay rent. So should have had 500 to use on something else, right? So pay the utilities! Nope. Spent the 500. (I only know these details because neighbor and I were trying to sit down with the mom and figure out a way out of this mess and she explained why they were behind on the rent) In our conversation, it became very apparent that she, at least, doesn’t want to change anything to fix it. So we just dropped any conversation about it.

We do know that he is set to go back to school soon for a trade. Everything is set up just waiting for the time to start.

I can happily buy the trampoline and know the kids have something for Christmas or give them cash and be resentful. But it’s not about me. So what would you do?

I wouldn't do anything for the kids honestly and not because you don't want them to get the benefit of something for Christmas but just because in the long run it's not going to help their overall situation they are in because of the decisions their parents are making.

I would agree with a few others that I would be a lot more likely to pay, what you wanted to, on a utility. Don't know the neighbors but its quite possible even knowing a utility is paid for (or that a payment has been made) they'll end up back where they are right now or that they won't move back into their actual place because of XYZ.

The type of people your neighbors seem to be are the type of people in my area that post every so often on Nextdoor looking for a ride to XYZ, looking for household furniture (like dresser drawers for their kids or for beds for their kids) but when people offer.....they tend to come up with an excuse. There was this one person who had 15 different people offer to take her to one of the local charities or goodwill or to one of the social services office so that she could actually get the help she needed. They would give her all the information all the phone numbers. She came up with an excuse every single time and really she just wanted people to do all the work for her. Finally she stopped getting results and people stopped chiming in because it was clear she was not out for help but rather handouts in the worst way. That's been several different people over time on Next door. Makes for a really sad situation when you see the community come together for people who just abuse that kindness.

The one word of caution I can give is...once you're in too deep it's hard to get out. Don't be surprised if these people continue to live the way they live. Your kind gesture might not last very long and you'd want to decide just how much you want to help the neighbors and for how long.

 

[dish rag]

I would consider taking over about $100 worth of groceries for the people then after that would distance myself from them and their situation.

 

[wenrob]

MTE. Luvsjack, I know you live in an area where there are lots of churches that offer the Dave Ramsey program. If the parents would go to that and try to change their habits, it could go a long way to helping this family out.

I would pay the utility bills this time, offer to take them to the Dave Ramsey course or find a sitter for the kids while mom and dad go to the course. And buy some small gifts for the kids.

We had a trampoline for my 4 kids, fortunately, there was only one scrape to remember on the trampoline, but I certainly would not buy one for "strangers".

Whatever reason, these adults are in a cycle that they are not breaking. Sad for the kids, but the parents need to want to get out of it for the best opportunities for their kids.

People like this (the overall impression I get from the posts) do not want to change their habits. They rely on others bailing them out.

I’ve unfortunately watched this cycle for decades with someone very close to me and discovered after nearly going broke myself trying to help that “helping” was the worst thing I could have done. Paying the utility bills for them is as much enabling as handing them cash. Providing Christmas for their kids is also enabling the situation. Coming in and trying to fix things doesn’t fix things. It’s just gives one more reason for them not to fix it themselves.

That said, seeing kids go without Christmas would break my heart. I would gift the kids something they could use and something small they would enjoy and that COULD NOT be returned for cash.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

something small they would enjoy and that COULD NOT be returned for cash.

That was one of my thoughts with the trampoline. What's stopping the parents from turning around and selling it for cash? And judging by the previous actions it's not as if the cash would likely be used for necessities (or at least what most would consider like water, gas, etc).

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

Here the cost of a trampoline would pay our water bill for 18 months. Still, I'm not sure that any aid you give this family will make any difference whatsoever if they can't get a handle on their money problems. I mean, the money has to be going somewhere.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I would talk to the parents and maybe see what the kids need and gift something like clothes if the kids need it and maybe a small toy/fun gift each. I wouldn't want to do a large gift and have the parents feeling badly that they weren't able to do something like that for their kids or have the kids noticing that neighbors gave them a big gift and their parents did less or nothing.

 

[KPeterso]

I think it is wonderful you are doing something for the children. I would do small $10-15 gifts for the kids and then put the rest on a grocery store gift card so that maybe they can save money not having to worry about food for a few weeks.

 

[lovemygoofy]

There is no way I'd bring this family grocery gift cards or pay their bills or anything else. They bring this on their heads and yes they have children that get the suck of having crappy parents. I'm sure they have signed up for a program or two or three to get presents for their kids or told everyone around about their issues to get help. IF I did anything for the children it would be very small inexpensive gifts or a stocking each for them with some candy and small trinkets because as long as they rely on everyone else and those around take care of them nothing will change. There will be more holidays/birthdays or other days the kids won't be getting what they should because their parents make poor choices.