How Would You Help?

[MrsPete]

I understand and respect your desire to get the kids something frivolous and fun for Christmas and I think that’s a nice thing to do. It’s the trampoline itself that gives me pause.

I see you've ditched the trampoline idea, and I think that's for the best. I agree with the reasons that've been tossed out already, and I'll add this one: You say that these kids enjoy your grandkids' trampoline? I assume that means they have access to it in your yard (hopefully only while you're home), so giving them a trampoline wouldn't really add to what they have now.

I'd get the kids small gifts -- something so each kid could have something to open. I'd leave the things on the porch without a name; I'd be concerned that if this family starts to see you as a source of income, they'll come to you again.

We had a trampoline for my 4 kids, fortunately, there was only one scrape to remember on the trampoline, but I certainly would not buy one for "strangers".

Whatever reason, these adults are in a cycle that they are not breaking. Sad for the kids, but the parents need to want to get out of it for the best opportunities for their kids.

My husband had a trampoline as a boy, and he was thrilled to get one for our kids -- no other toy they owned received as much playtime. They used it for its intended purpose, and they also just laid on it to read, camped out on it a couple times, etc.

The one word of caution I can give is...once you're in too deep it's hard to get out. Don't be surprised if these people continue to live the way they live. Your kind gesture might not last very long and you'd want to decide just how much you want to help the neighbors and for how long.

Yeah, sadly, people who live this way keep on choosing to live this way -- even when things get better. For example, my no-good cousin was out of work for a while. What did he do when paychecks started rolling in again? He had the cable TV turned back on.

One lady had kids asking for new cell phone (talking iPhone), PS4 games, Xbox One games, high end items. People kindly suggested or offered more practical items and the person in need passed them up and was rude.

When I was a new teacher, I taught in a very poor inner-city school. Some of those children have the idea -- and I'm sure their parents do too -- that ALL white people /middle class people /professional people /whatever other group have so very much money that they're able to give expensive gifts like this to charity. Weird things I remember:
- One of my 9th graders who was indignant that I came to school one day wearing new shoes. He complained long and loud that I had no right to buy shoes when people like his family don't have "enough". Yeah, weird, but it was real in his mind.
- One mom who filled out an Angel Tree form for her family -- she asked for an expensive game system for her kids and Jeep Grand Cherokee for herself -- when one of the volunteers pointed out that these things were impossible requests, she became angry. It was like she thought the volunteer was trying to shortchange her family /deny them an opportunity.

My neighbor threw her hands up and had to come over to my house yesterday just to get away. The woman was sitting there planning a vacation for tax time and not accepting their circumstances and that the tax money they get needs to pay bills.

Yeah, it's a clue into her money mindset.

The issue I would have with the PP's comment is that it's a "correlation does not equal causation" situation.

But correlation definitely exists.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But correlation definitely exists.

..I think you missed what I was getting at.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My neighbor threw her hands up and had to come over to my house yesterday just to get away. The woman was sitting there planning a vacation for tax time and not accepting their circumstances and that the tax money they get needs to pay bills. My neighbor says this is the biggest reason they have to get out of her house.

I do hope that this neighbor sees this family move back into their own house soon!!!!!

But. Wow, I hadn't seen this one.
A 'vacation'.
Are you serious???
Had anyone thought about what happens when these parents lose their house, and what do they do with the trampoline then?

No way would I give such gifts to a family who feels entitled to live in other people's homes, have other people pay their bills, etc.
If the kids are hungry, that is a whole different issue.
But, it is not doing anyone any favors to provide this kind of gifts to enable this kind of situation.

I have to think about how these kids are learning their lessons in entitlement so well at such young ages.

 

[luvsJack]

Another update: well just got back from town, sitting here with my feet up and eating Christmas cookies. Good grief this is the first and last time I will be in town this close to Christmas! Those folks are crazy out there! Fighting over parking spots, blowing horns at people that actually stop at red lights, madness!!!

Ok so we talked long and hard about it before we did anything. Then neighbor texted mom and asked what they had been able to get the kids. Mom had just finished buying and listed a couple of things per kid.

So we got each kid a game, a book and a puzzle. The girls all some Barbies and the boy action figures ( he loves wrestling so I had a ball buying those again!) We were shopping at Ollie’s Bargins (this is a new store for us so not sure where all they are) and got everything pretty inexpensive and had some money left. So we went to the zoo and got each one a stuffed animal which comes with one free ticket for a visit.

Oh, and beanie hats, gloves and fuzzy socks. We HAD to get the fuzzy socks. When my neighbor asked one of the girls what she wanted for Christmas all she said was “fuzzy socks”.

The only charity I contacted was my own church. I talked to my pastor and explained the whole situation, even that I didn’t think they were really low income. He said to come by the church to the food pantry and get them a bag of food items. He said that the food is for anyone in need and even if the parents aren’t, the kids are. So that’s what we did.

My neighbor will deliver all of this on Christmas Eve. Nothing letting them know it’s from us or the church.

Thanks all for all the advise and pov. The kids will have Christmas and even if they end up right back where they are in a couple of months, the kids won’t feel forgotten.

 

[SteveH]

I hate to say it but with the "vacation planning" and the "had to move" comments as well as even the idea of a trampoline I think you dealing with a serial abuser that is probably milking every system and "friend" they have until the move on to the next and use them.

I wouldn't walk away, I'd run. I'm sure your community has a homeless shelter that can keep them warm, but I wouldn't be involved one bit.

 

[luvsJack]

I do hope that this neighbor sees this family move back into their own house soon!!!!!

But. Wow, I hadn't seen this one.
A 'vacation'.
Are you serious???
Had anyone thought about what happens when these parents lose their house, and what do they do with the trampoline then?

No way would I give such gifts to a family who feels entitled to live in other people's homes, have other people pay their bills, etc.
If the kids are hungry, that is a whole different issue.
But, it is not doing anyone any favors to provide this kind of gifts to enable this kind of situation.

I have to think about how these kids are learning their lessons in entitlement so well at such young ages.

They went home today.

 

[Southernmiss]

Another update: well just got back from town, sitting here with my feet up and eating Christmas cookies. Good grief this is the first and last time I will be in town this close to Christmas! Those folks are crazy out there! Fighting over parking spots, blowing horns at people that actually stop at red lights, madness!!!

Ok so we talked long and hard about it before we did anything. Then neighbor texted mom and asked what they had been able to get the kids. Mom had just finished buying and listed a couple of things per kid.

So we got each kid a game, a book and a puzzle. The girls all some Barbies and the boy action figures ( he loves wrestling so I had a ball buying those again!) We were shopping at Ollie’s Bargins (this is a new store for us so not sure where all they are) and got everything pretty inexpensive and had some money left. So we went to the zoo and got each one a stuffed animal which comes with one free ticket for a visit.

Oh, and beanie hats, gloves and fuzzy socks. We HAD to get the fuzzy socks. When my neighbor asked one of the girls what she wanted for Christmas all she said was “fuzzy socks”.

The only charity I contacted was my own church. I talked to my pastor and explained the whole situation, even that I didn’t think they were really low income. He said to come by the church to the food pantry and get them a bag of food items. He said that the food is for anyone in need and even if the parents aren’t, the kids are. So that’s what we did.

My neighbor will deliver all of this on Christmas Eve. Nothing letting them know it’s from us or the church.

Thanks all for all the advise and pov. The kids will have Christmas and even if they end up right back where they are in a couple of months, the kids won’t feel forgotten.

This all sounds very reasonable. You followed your conscience to be sure the kids will have something on Christmas without over buying. And it's usable items and not likely to be returned.

Relax and have a Merry Christmas.

 

[MamaLema]

Based on OP’s post alone and every situation is different, I would give each child a small gift like a Barbie, hot wheels set, etc

I would offer to sit down with them one more time if they are ok with it and help them budget

I’m really confused why the neighbors have plenty of food because they are good at couponing but can’t budget the rest of the bills.

 

[china mom]

Based on OP’s post alone and every situation is different, I would give each child a small gift like a Barbie, hot wheels set, etc

I would offer to sit down with them one more time if they are ok with it and help them budget

I’m really confused why the neighbors have plenty of food because they are good at couponing but can’t budget the rest of the bills.

I could have read it wrong but I took that as the "poor" neighbor doesn't seem to have a problem buying food and additionally, the "helpful neighbor" can donate food because she is a good couponer with a stocked pantry.

 

[luvsJack]

Based on OP’s post alone and every situation is different, I would give each child a small gift like a Barbie, hot wheels set, etc

I would offer to sit down with them one more time if they are ok with it and help them budget

I’m really confused why the neighbors have plenty of food because they are good at couponing but can’t budget the rest of the bills.

Sorry for the confusion, the neighbor they were staying with is the couponer. The neighbor with no lights might be too, I don’t know, but they do usually have groceries. I am sure their fridge is empty now or close. The one they were staying with gave them some milk to take home.