How Would You Help?

[luvsJack]

So it’s Christmas and we all want everyone to have a happy and merry Christmas. But I have a neighbor that needs more help than I can give and I am not sure how to help or if I should.

They have major financial issues. Right now they are staying with another neighbor because their lights and water and possibly gas are disconnected. It’s not cold here so that’s not the issue. But they were supposed to get their lights back on this week and go home. The mutual neighbor says they have to go home Friday. And then their water gets disconnected. And there is no way they can pay both plus the gas plus their car note that is also past due. Neighbor still says they have to go home before Christmas. She really doesn’t have the room and her family will be home Saturday so she isn’t being mean or heartless, just nothing she can do.

They are not terribly low income. But probably just over the limit for getting public assistance.

This isn’t the first time. They are always on the brink of something getting turned off or repoed or being evicted. They have borrowed money from everyone to the point no one will loan them money.

So the neighbor they are staying with and I were going to go in together and get their kids a trampoline for Christmas. There are 4 kids pretty close in age and they love my grankids’ trampoline.

Neither of us can do more than that. But now we have been discussing whether we should just give them the money for the trampoline and let them do what they want with it. OTOH, it’s not enough to fix any of it and the kids still won’t get anything.

And honestly, we both feel like we are inabling them to stay in this mess if we just hand them money. We have both helped them before. Not been paid back and a month or two later they are right back where they started. After awhile you feel sucked dry, you know?

And just so it’s clear, there are no drugs, alcohol or other addictions involved that we can tell. Just barely able to pay the bills and very bad at handling money.

Just as a for example, had the money to pay rent (850), car had to be fixed and it was 350. Talked to landlord and she let them not pay rent. So should have had 500 to use on something else, right? So pay the utilities! Nope. Spent the 500. (I only know these details because neighbor and I were trying to sit down with the mom and figure out a way out of this mess and she explained why they were behind on the rent) In our conversation, it became very apparent that she, at least, doesn’t want to change anything to fix it. So we just dropped any conversation about it.

We do know that he is set to go back to school soon for a trade. Everything is set up just waiting for the time to start.

I can happily buy the trampoline and know the kids have something for Christmas or give them cash and be resentful. But it’s not about me. So what would you do?

 

[morgan98]

I am saying this with the best of intentions. They have a house they cannot live in because bills for utilities are not being paid. They are looking for another place to live. No one will loan them money (and rightfully so).

I do not have any idea how or why a trampoline is even a consideration?

I understand the kids and Christmas, but do they even have money for food?

A trampoline is #999 on a list of what this family seems to need.

 

[wvjules]

No way would a buy my neighbor's kids an expensive gift like a trampoline (or give them money for it) when they don't even have a home that is habitable now. I would get the kids smaller gifts so they have a gift and be done with it.

 

[tvguy]

Buy the trampoline. Feel good about it, and stay out of the rest.

 

[yoopermom]

Do you know the kids well enough to buy them individual gifts? If so, I would NOT buy them anything high value that the parents could sell (electronics, etc), but would instead think about what angel tree recipients usually get: a practical item of clothing, a book or toy, warm socks/mittens, etc. Maybe all in a dufflebag so its portable if they have to move from place to place.

God bless you for wanting to help out. I would think of the kids *needs* right now, since obviously the parents can't/won't.

Terri

 

[luvsJack]

I am saying this with the best of intentions. They have a house they cannot live in because bills for utilities are not being paid. They are looking for another place to live. No one will loan them money (and rightfully so).

I do not have any idea how or why a trampoline is even a consideration?

I understand the kids and Christmas, but do they even have money for food?

A trampoline is #999 on a list of what this family seems to need.

They aren’t looking for another place to live. They still have the house they are in. That is one of the things that they won’t change.

They always seem to have food.

It’s not the trampoline, we can get them anything in that price range (200). It’s really a choice of buy them something for Christmas or hand them cash.

I mean some groceries could possibly be bought too. My neighbor is a big couponer and has a stash of groceries so groceries aren’t really an issue.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

So it’s Christmas and we all want everyone to have a happy and merry Christmas. But I have a neighbor that needs more help than I can give and I am not sure how to help or if I should.

They have major financial issues. Right now they are staying with another neighbor because their lights and water and possibly gas are disconnected. It’s not cold here so that’s not the issue. But they were supposed to get their lights back on this week and go home. The mutual neighbor says they have to go home Friday. And then their water gets disconnected. And there is no way they can pay both plus the gas plus their car note that is also past due. Neighbor still says they have to go home before Christmas. She really doesn’t have the room and her family will be home Saturday so she isn’t being mean or heartless, just nothing she can do.

They are not terribly low income. But probably just over the limit for getting public assistance.

This isn’t the first time. They are always on the brink of something getting turned off or repoed or being evicted. They have borrowed money from everyone to the point no one will loan them money.

So the neighbor they are staying with and I were going to go in together and get their kids a trampoline for Christmas. There are 4 kids pretty close in age and they love my grankids’ trampoline.

Neither of us can do more than that. But now we have been discussing whether we should just give them the money for the trampoline and let them do what they want with it. OTOH, it’s not enough to fix any of it and the kids still won’t get anything.

And honestly, we both feel like we are inabling them to stay in this mess if we just hand them money. We have both helped them before. Not been paid back and a month or two later they are right back where they started. After awhile you feel sucked dry, you know?

And just so it’s clear, there are no drugs, alcohol or other addictions involved that we can tell. Just barely able to pay the bills and very bad at handling money.

Just as a for example, had the money to pay rent (850), car had to be fixed and it was 350. Talked to landlord and she let them not pay rent. So should have had 500 to use on something else, right? So pay the utilities! Nope. Spent the 500. (I only know these details because neighbor and I were trying to sit down with the mom and figure out a way out of this mess and she explained why they were behind on the rent) In our conversation, it became very apparent that she, at least, doesn’t want to change anything to fix it. So we just dropped any conversation about it.

We do know that he is set to go back to school soon for a trade. Everything is set up just waiting for the time to start.

I can happily buy the trampoline and know the kids have something for Christmas or give them cash and be resentful. But it’s not about me. So what would you do?

I understand and respect your desire to get the kids something frivolous and fun for Christmas and I think that’s a nice thing to do. It’s the trampoline itself that gives me pause. One, the kids are in an unstable living situation and who knows where they’ll end up, perhaps having to move to a place where the trampoline can’t go with them. Two (and this might be an odd thing I’m thinking here), I feel like a trampoline is the kind of gift that has a high likelihood of costing them more money in the long run via medical bills and/or insurance liability. I think it’s fine to give them a gift(s), I just think it should be something a little more “manageable” than a trampoline.

 

[morgan98]

They aren’t looking for another place to live. They still have the house they are in. That is one of the things that they won’t change.

They always seem to have food.

It’s not the trampoline, we can get them anything in that price range (200). It’s really a choice of buy them something for Christmas or hand them cash.

I mean some groceries could possibly be bought too. My neighbor is a big couponer and has a stash of groceries so groceries aren’t really an issue.

OK. I guess I mean looking for a place to live since they cannot live at home because they have no utilities. So until that is dealt with they are couch surfing at a neighbors.

This does not seem like a situation that needs a trampoline. I would gift the kids something more portable than a trampoline that they can bring with they wherever they go. Board games, books, new pajamas, etc.

 

[soccerdad72]

I agree with others - you and your neighbor would be better off getting each kid a gift or two rather than one large (and cumbersome) gift like a trampoline.

 

[gotomu212]

I can’t imagine a trampoline is a good gift for this family. They are currently not even staying in their home and who knows how long they can keep the home if they are at the point where all utilities are being cut. I think smaller gifts for the kids would be better (and individual so everyone has something to open).

 

[BlueStarryHat]

Maybe a gift card to WalMart or Target or whatever store like this in their neighborhood would be the way to go? This way, they have to spend it buying stuff they need rather than using cash for whatever.

 

[kaytieeldr]

They aren’t looking for another place to live. They still have the house they are in.

This month, sure. How long do you think the landlady is going to support them? And all the utilities being off in a house she owns can't be good for the house, or her.

 

[firefly_ris]

Get them a Dave Ramsey book? I guess they might take offense, but maybe they really need help comprehending how to budget in some way. Some people were never taught and can really learn -- others just don't care enough to make the change, but I don't know these people obviously.

If they continue on the current trajectory they won't have the house soon enough either. Then they wouldn't have anywhere to put a trampoline anyway.

 

[barkley]

I feel like a trampoline is the kind of gift that has a high likelihood of costing them more money in the long run via medical bills and/or insurance liability

allot of landlords also don't allow them b/c THEIR homeowner's insurance may cancel coverage so i would'nt get them one-even if they are allowed it's an added cost to their renter's insurance (if they even have it at this point).

And then their water gets disconnected

this sounds off to me. most places there are laws on the books that preclude water (and sewage) from being disconnected b/c of health and safety laws so that's why water is generally default obligated to and controlled by the property owner (which is why the majority of rentals bundle water/sewage into the rent payment). does anyone know if the landlord really gave them the extra time to pay or is there a chance they agreed to leave the property so they wouldn't go through a formal eviction and now the landlord has turned off the utilities to keep them out? if you doubt this b/c all their belongings are still in the place don't count on that being proof they still have rights to live there-i've been related to and known a few too many people who will just leave their stuff b/c since they always get bailed out of every financial problem by some other hard working person they don't see any value in their possession.

maybe use the $200 to get the family a couple of nites in a cheap motel in order to get them OUT of the neighbors (and at the point their stay there runs out they need to find their own resources). it's nice to think of gifting the kids but the reality is it just continues to enable a bad parenting situation.

 

[mousefan73]

I am saying this with the best of intentions. They have a house they cannot live in because bills for utilities are not being paid. They are looking for another place to live. No one will loan them money (and rightfully so).

I do not have any idea how or why a trampoline is even a consideration?

I understand the kids and Christmas, but do they even have money for food?


Agree! Especially if god forbid they get evicted and move into an apartment. Trampolin is not going to help anyone here.

I would get the kids a smaller toy gift or craft stuff. Not sure their ages... I would maybe get a gift card for your local grocery chain. That is always a safe bet.

 

[luvsJack]

This month, sure. How long do you think the landlady is going to support them? And all the utilities being off in a house she owns can't be good for the house, or her.

My dad rented out trailers eons ago and I remember him having to evict people because of their utilities being cut off something about the houses not being “liveable”. So that is a consideration. I hadn’t thought about that.

 

[mousefan73]

it's nice to think of gifting the kids but the reality is it just continues to enable a bad parenting situation.

This statement kind of rubs me the wrong way. I hope you realize that millions of parents are not able to pay bills, or feed their kids and it has NOTHING to do with their parenting style. Do not judge please. There are many parents, single moms working 2 or 3 jobs trying their best to keep a roof over their head, miss rent, get evicted and are damn good parents. Or get sick / divorced and lose a home. I personally know too many. As Disney fans people should watch The Florida Project.. Unfortunately just one example of one city of many in America.

Sorry cannot get that image that was on my clipboard away!

 

[luvsJack]

allot of landlords also don't allow them b/c THEIR homeowner's insurance may cancel coverage so i would'nt get them one-even if they are allowed it's an added cost to their renter's insurance (if they even have it at this point).




this sounds off to me. most places there are laws on the books that preclude water (and sewage) from being disconnected b/c of health and safety laws so that's why water is generally default obligated to and controlled by the property owner (which is why the majority of rentals bundle water/sewage into the rent payment). does anyone know if the landlord really gave them the extra time to pay or is there a chance they agreed to leave the property so they wouldn't go through a formal eviction and now the landlord has turned off the utilities to keep them out? if you doubt this b/c all their belongings are still in the place don't count on that being proof they still have rights to live there-i've been related to and known a few too many people who will just leave their stuff b/c since they always get bailed out of every financial problem by some other hard working person they don't see any value in their possession.

maybe use the $200 to get the family a couple of nites in a cheap motel in order to get them OUT of the neighbors (and at the point their stay there runs out they need to find their own resources). it's nice to think of gifting the kids but the reality is it just continues to enable a bad parenting situation.

They are “renting to own” the house if that makes any difference on the laws and such.

 

[luvsJack]

This statement kind of rubs me the wrong way. I hope you realize that millions of parents are not able to pay bills, or feed their kids and it has NOTHING to do with their parenting style. Do not judge please. There are many parents, single moms working 2 or 3 jobs trying their best to keep a roof over their head, miss rent, get evicted and are damn good parents. Or get sick / divorced and lose a home. I personally know too many. As Disney fans people should watch The Florida Project.. Unfortunately just one example of one city of many in America.

Sorry cannot get that image that was on my clipboard away!

Honestly they really are excellent parents in some ways but totally irresponsible when it comes to bill paying.

I think the pp that said something about being too used to others bailing them out hits the nail on the head. And while we want to do something for the kids, we don’t want to do anything that bails them out. But otoh feel guilty buying gifts and not giving money.

 

[luvsJack]

Get them a Dave Ramsey book? I guess they might take offense, but maybe they really need help comprehending how to budget in some way. Some people were never taught and can really learn -- others just don't care enough to make the change, but I don't know these people obviously.

If they continue on the current trajectory they won't have the house soon enough either. Then they wouldn't have anywhere to put a trampoline anyway.

They definitely need to understand budgeting or basically the art of keeping the lights on even when you get behind.

I feel bad for the kids. I guess that is why we were thinking of something the kids would love. But maybe smaller gifts are the way to go.