how would you handle this ?

[Mermaid02]

For the most part, I would let my dh handle it. The two of you should discuss things privately, and then HE should speak with her and have final decision.

 

[hambirg]

Stepmom here : ) boy we get a bad rap sometimes don't we?


I met my DH when my DSS was 4 years old, married DH when DSS turned 7 and he came to live with us when he was 13 until 19 yrs.

Your place in this young woman's life is to be a soft place to fall. You are not her mother , but you can be a mother figure at some point . Her father needs to make all rules and enforce all rules.
You need to step away from this and let Dad take over everything.

My DSS is now 21 we are very good friends, I adore him like he is my own, but I stay in back ground for everything, except when it comes to spoiling him LOL, then I bring it on even when Dad and Bio Mom disapprove ; ).

Good luck OP, I know how hard this if for you. When DS came to live with us, I wanted to jump in, be his Mom and take control of all aspects of his life just like I would do with my own. I quickly learned I can't do that and was told by family counselor that I couldn't do it . Once I learned to back off our family life became much easier. : )

I think you and yours may need a bit of counseling to help ease this transition.

This thread reminds me I need to call my boy and invite him over to dinner. I feel the need to remind him I love him very much!!

 

[luvmy3]

I don't resent her, I love her. I know my DH had other relationships, so did I. I have "high authority" over all of the children in the house. None are taking it as bad as all of you seem to be.

And many, many people have been in my house and seen how I do things. Some have even said that they wish their kids were as well behaved and did things they asked.

But your SD has not been raised by you and has been in a house where things were done differently for 16 years. Its not unreasonable to think you would have to bend alittle to make her feel welcome in a home where things are run differently. It really seems that by forcing these rules on her you are making herself prove worthy of living under your roof. Cut her some slack, you may even learn something in the process, maybe you'll see that you don't need to be in control of everyone under your roof, that they can actually function and do it well all on their own.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

my phone does not work at my house nor at her school or any of the schools up here.

Let me get this straight, you have a cell phone you can't use at home? Are you saying that no cell phones work where you live? If that is the case, why did you say that she will only be without her cell phone for a while? What is changing? What has to happen so she gets her cell phone back?

As for well-behaved kids? All I can say is that controlled kids are not always the best behaved ones down the road, and that level of control can demand a mighty high price.

 

[MaumeeMom]

PARTIAL QUOTE

With the times, we are being lenient to our standards. DD13 has an 8:30 bedtime and must be in the house by 7:30 on school nights unless it is school related but even then, bus drops her off at 5 pm from it. Only play nights has it been later. Weekends, she is either at a sleepover or at home with us plus a friend.

But your "standards" have never included a 16 yo. Seriously, 9:30 is lenient?
This is all new to all of you - there are no standards for raising a 16yo. yet. I highly encourage you to have a dialog with DSD before setting these rule in stone.

Morning , I don't know how/what my DD13 does, and don't have a clue what DSD16 does to get ready. bathroom, hair, make-up ? DD13 takes night time showers and I don't know what DSD16 does yet but there is plenty of time in the night for both of them. There are two bathrooms to get ready in, and they have already briefly discussed it and won't be able to do anything else until they know what they are in for.

Really, so she should now shower in the few hours of free time she has? You eat at 7PM until what? 7:30ish? Her bedtime is two hours later and now she should work her shower into that time too?

Why can't you talk with the girls and mediate the morning schedule? You seem to need to control everything else, how do you not know what these girls do to get ready for school?

This message board is usually very polarized. Half the people saying one thing and then colling the other half names for believing the opposite. I have never seen a thread where 99% of the people agree on anything, yet we are all saying that many of these rules are unreasonable, especially the bedtime. OP, I hope you take note of this and make some adjustments instead of digging in your heals and setting your family up for failure.

 

[Rora]

My suggestion is to let her work some things out for herself. Let her decide how to do her homework. If her grades slide or she isn't getting things done, sit down with DSD and discuss why and how to fix it.

Let DSD decide when to go to bed. Again, if she is too tired or not waking up, discuss with her how to fix this. There is no way at 16 that I would be asleep at 9:30. We just adjusted our DS 12yo's bedtime to 9:30 because, even though he would go to "bed" at 9, he wasn't falling asleep until after 10. If he goes to bed at 9:30 he isn't staring at the ceiling for an hour. Your DSD can't just switch her body's clock to your schedule. Some of this might need to be gradually changed.

16 yo girls need privacy, Why not let her do her homework on the spare laptop in her bedroom with her music? I honestly cannot think of a reason why she couldn't be allowed this measure of freedom.

First, I just read every single post. And I'm pooped.

OP-I agree with what I've bolded above.

And wow.. we sure can throw stones here on the CB.

 

[Mermaid02]

But your SD has not been raised by you and has been in a house where things were done differently for 16 years. Its not unreasonable to think you would have to bend alittle to make her feel welcome in a home where things are run differently. It really seems that by forcing these rules on her you are making herself prove worthy of living under your roof. Cut her some slack, you may even learn something in the process, maybe you'll see that you don't need to be in control of everyone under your roof, that they can actually function and do it well all on their own.

And it's normal for 16 year olds in the BEST situation to test the rules... this kid doesn't really stand a chance.

 

[Magpie]

she is not allowed to drive herself to school. Parking lot is only for seniors, they are the only ones allowed to drive themselves. And there is nowhere close to park, residential road with no parking on side. Insurance will be less than $100 a month. I've worked at this place with these hours and made plenty more than that.

With the times, we are being lenient to our standards. DD13 has an 8:30 bedtime and must be in the house by 7:30 on school nights unless it is school related but even then, bus drops her off at 5 pm from it. Only play nights has it been later. Weekends, she is either at a sleepover or at home with us plus a friend.

Morning , I don't know how/what my DD13 does, and don't have a clue what DSD16 does to get ready. bathroom, hair, make-up ? DD13 takes night time showers and I don't know what DSD16 does yet but there is plenty of time in the night for both of them. There are two bathrooms to get ready in, and they have already briefly discussed it and won't be able to do anything else until they know what they are in for.



If she has to work, then she can't do whatever we are doing. If she is not working and it is a big deal, i.e. birthday party or something like that, then I expect her to be there for it. Or else she is free to make her own plans.

I've only read a few of the posts, but I just have to say that when a child has been allowed to function as a "grown up" it is EXTREMELY difficult to rewind and force them to act like a child again.

I experienced this to a small degree at 17, when I joined the Army Reserve. I was a sheltered kid, with a strict upbringing - I was a very "young" 17, early bedtime, no parties, no R-rated movies, no TV, private girls school. I spent three months over one summer being an adult in every way conceivable, from earning a paycheck to navigating issues around showing up for work, alcohol, sex, etc.... Most of the people I worked with were in their 20's or older. I grew up fast!

Then I came home and my mother wanted to know what I was doing with my paycheck, wanted to tell me when to go to bed, what I was "allowed" to watch on TV, expected me to ask permission before I went anywhere. Basically she wanted to go back to treating me like a 13yo. I couldn't live with that any more. I ended up grabbing my jacket and walking out the door, and I never went back.

I think you might be more successful if you treat your SD like the young woman she is. Give her some adult responsibility, treat her with respect, and try to remember that in another year or two she will be an adult, capable of living on her own. You need to prepare her for THAT, not try to turn her into the dependent young child that she isn't, and hasn't been for a long time.

P.S. I can't take showers at night. It wrecks my hair. You might want to ask your SD what she needs before you decide what's most convenient for you.

 

[MaumeeMom]

I don't resent her, I love her. I know my DH had other relationships, so did I. I have "high authority" over all of the children in the house. None are taking it as bad as all of you seem to be.

And many, many people have been in my house and seen how I do things. Some have even said that they wish their kids were as well behaved and did things they asked.

Bolding is mine. This says it all - you are the high priestess of the household and God forbid anyone test your authority. It is your way or else. You will control all things under your roof.

Good luck with that! I have a feeling as soon as DSD turns 18 she will fly the coup, if not before.

Our suggestions have been falling on deaf ears. I will send positive thoughts to your DSD and hope for the best for her. Good luck.

 

[Mermaid02]

I've only read a few of the posts, but I just have to say that when a child has been allowed to function as a "grown up" it is EXTREMELY difficult to rewind and force them to act like a child again.

I experienced this to a small degree at 17, when I joined the Army Reserve. I was a sheltered kid, with a strict upbringing. Then I spent three months over one summer being an adult in every way conceivable, from earning a paycheck to navigating issues around showing up for work, alcohol, sex, etc.... Most of the people I worked with were in their 20's or older.

When I came home and my mother wanted to know what I was doing with my paycheck, wanted to tell me when to go to bed, expected me to ask permission before I went anywhere. Basically she wanted to go back to treating me like a 13yo. I couldn't live with that any more. I ended up grabbing my jacket and walking out the door after one final fight, and I never went back.

I think you might be more successful if you treat your SD like the young woman she is. Give her some adult responsibility, treat her with respect, and try to remember that in another year or two she will be an adult, capable of living on her own. You need to prepare her for THAT, not try to turn her into the dependent young child that she isn't, and hasn't been for a long time.

We agree on this one MagPie!

 

[DWGal210]

What I would like to see is the OP responding with a clear answer to questions, rather than dodging around them. She posted, not us, so she should give straight answers. Some of those direct questions are:
* You say she is a good kid, even with all she has been through. Why the guilty until proven innocent?

* Is there an underlying reason why you ate distrustful of her?

I for one wish we could get some clear answers, other than "That is the way we do it, don't question me.". It's hard to respond Amy other way if you don't think we have the full story.

 

[krcit]

I have 3 kids 15, 12 and 9. I tend to be on the stricter side. Sometimes I will ask another mom what she thinks of a certain situation ie a party, a curfew issue, maybe a computer thing. It's nice to get another viewpoint on things and I will admit to changing my mind on some issues after discussing things with other parents. You don't seem to want to do that so I'm kind of baffled as to why you posted asking for advice Page after page on here, posters have explained to you that they believe 9:30 is a silly bedtime for a 16 year old yet you won't hear them. They have practically begged you to go a bit softer on your 'rules' so that this poor girl can adapt a bit easier to this huge change but you are ignoring them so what was your point?

BTW, my almost 16 year old goes to bed at about 9:30 most school nights because she is tired and chooses to.She is smart enough to realize that she needs sleep.

 

[pyrxtc]

rolls are

 

[ilovejack02]

I don't resent her, I love her. I know my DH had other relationships, so did I. I have "high authority" over all of the children in the house. None are taking it as bad as all of you seem to be.

And many, many people have been in my house and seen how I do things. Some have even said that they wish their kids were as well behaved and did things they asked.

High authority doesn't really work on a child that has never lived full time with you and is almost an adult .

I am a bit of a control freak over my youngest, but he is MINE lol. Stepmoms need to take a back seat, no controlling allowed in this situation. What is allowed is lots of loving and getting to know the young adult on a different level : ) .

PP said we can throw stones on the CB ... LOL yes we can !

I totally get where you coming from, want everything in your life to run like clockwork and to make the DD to conform to yall's life. I have soo been there with you .

I am so glad I took the counselor's advice and had my DH take over . DH ran the ship as far as DSS was concerned, but demanded he respect me as an adult. It was rocky, but worked out . DSS21 and I became great friends. I am thankful everyday for him , he is such a sweet kid. Trust me, even now I want to butt in and be the take charge Momma, but it is not my place. My place is to be his friend and to love him . I hope you can find that place with your DSD.

 

[postage stamp]

I don't resent her, I love her. I know my DH had other relationships, so did I. I have "high authority" over all of the children in the house. None are taking it as bad as all of you seem to be.

And many, many people have been in my house and seen how I do things. Some have even said that they wish their kids were as well behaved and did things they asked.

Oh boy. Trying to think of what to say without breaking th disrules.

Um, ok.

Feeling like you are Hitler in the lives of your European children isn't healthy. not for you or for them. Kids need to feel like they have SOME kind of control in their life. You are the Senate to their House of Reps. They come up with ways of doing things and you can either shoot them down, pass them, or send the bill back for changes that need to be made. If she has No control over her life it's going to backfire.

 

[maelstrom]

The driving thing really bugs me - it is setting her up for failure.

It's really starting to look like that's the desired outcome.

 

[Mermaid02]

It's really starting to look like that's the desired outcome.

I hope not

 

[NHdisneylover]

she is not allowed to drive herself to school. Parking lot is only for seniors, they are the only ones allowed to drive themselves. And there is nowhere close to park, residential road with no parking on side. Insurance will be less than $100 a month. I've worked at this place with these hours and made plenty more than that.

With the times, we are being lenient to our standards. DD13 has an 8:30 bedtime and must be in the house by 7:30 on school nights unless it is school related but even then, bus drops her off at 5 pm from it. Only play nights has it been later. Weekends, she is either at a sleepover or at home with us plus a friend.

Morning , I don't know how/what my DD13 does, and don't have a clue what DSD16 does to get ready. bathroom, hair, make-up ? DD13 takes night time showers and I don't know what DSD16 does yet but there is plenty of time in the night for both of them. There are two bathrooms to get ready in, and they have already briefly discussed it and won't be able to do anything else until they know what they are in for.



If she has to work, then she can't do whatever we are doing. If she is not working and it is a big deal, i.e. birthday party or something like that, then I expect her to be there for it. Or else she is free to make her own plans.

First, and i asy this with all the concern in the world and with good intentions--be careful what you post online (and I know--I post our unusual first names and photos so I am not one to talk)

edited to take out how i figured this out so as to protect OP and her family. I should have thought of that sooner. It is late and I am tired sorry.

Anyway, I think I found the school and
Their handbook is online and it says the following about parking (bolding mine--and identifying letters starred out by me):

"• Any student, who is a licensed driver, may register to drive to and park at **HS. Please note that all financial obligations must be paid before parking permits will be issued"

I hope i am wrong and it is another school. Either way you may really want to look at the photos and be careful. There are some nuts out there.

ETA--just wanted to say I did not start off intending to look at your web page. I had no idea you had one and was just clicking on your username to see what other kinds of threads you tend to post on and was hoping to see what else you had said about the school in threads.

 

[ENSOCK]

WOW! I just read some of this. Op you need to step back and get a clue! I really feel sorry for your husband's daughter, this poor child is going to live in prison for the next few years until she can get out.

 

[Magpie]

We agree on this one MagPie!