how would you handle this ?

[PrincessKsMom]

I think you are right, but the fact is that she married a man with a daughter. That was completely her choice. And it seems like her daughter (who is not her current husband's) does not seem to have to face similar resentment from her husband, so why should any of it ever be directed at his daughter? I guess is baffles me why her husband's daughter should not get the same considerations and respect as hers. His daughter is as much a part of the family as her daughter, and should never be made to feel otherwise.

I had no idea it was a blended family for both OP and her DH. I just assumed both her kids were his.

 

[Hannathy]

It is very appropriate because remember when it came out no one believed it because everyone thought Joan Crawford was a nice person, did charity work, adopted children, etc and waaaaay back the OP said all her friends think she is nice not the monster we are calling her! That's because like the Crawford's no one is seeing inside the house with it's rules and general meanness and cruelty.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Anyone else wish they could find this poor girl and give her a hug? And maybe adopt her?

Yes. I keep thinking we have a spare room. She could learn German--my DD would help her (having been through it herself not too long ago). I mean, I know that is totally unrealistic, but it is a nice fantasy given the situation.

From the movie Mommy Dearest. It's an EXCELLENT reference for what is going on here.

Thank you (and the half dozen other posters who all seemed to be typing at the same time).

No, our kids don't have a set curfew other then the town curfew of midnight. What time the kids come home depends totally on what they are doing and it might be 10:00 one night and midnight another. Our kids figured out all on their own that if they stay up too late they are tired in school the next day so they know when they need to go to bed. We don't have to have a "rule" about that.

I never had any curfew at all. I always made sure my parents knew what my plans were, how to reach me (as best as possible in the pre cell phone days) and the latest I could be home--and I never messed that up. I was also the most straight laced kid i knew. I was never in trouble (not because I didn't get caught but because i never did anything wrong). My parents trusted me and I never betrayed that. I do not get the issue so many on the DIS have with you treating your kids like this. If they are doing okay without a curfew why should you set an arbitrary time limit. I really do not see how that differs that much from all the other arbitrary rules people are railing against on this thread.

 

[maxiesmom]

OP--Have you read, really read, any of the advice you have been given? Have you thought about it at all, or are you just all about defending what you are doing?

How can you ignore the fact that so many people think you are going about things the wrong way? This is one of the few posts I can remember where it seems everyone is in agreement. You need to re-think your plans if you truly want a happy household. And by that I mean everyone happy, not just you or your husband, or your kids. Everyone.

 

[punkin]

I think there's also a lot of resentment coming from OP for two reasons: SD's mother who seems to be making everyone's life hell, and a DH who is uninvolved. I think she's retaliating against having to parent a child who is not hers because the people who are her parents aren't doing their jobs. Unfortunately, the trickled down affect (all crap rolls downhill) means it winds up at the feet of her SD. I also think OP is resentful because SHE HAS NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. She's made it abundantly clear that SD has no where else to go, so even if she wanted to say no (which I think she does) she doesn't have an option without picking up and leaving DH.

I really hope everyone can sit down and share their true feelings (specifically OP and DH) before SD moves in. Then sit down with SD and provide a united, caring, reasonable set of rules. Think of it as a union contract dispute -- a little give and take on both sides will make for a much happier environment for everyone.

Definitely this. I feel for both the OP and the poor child. This is a sad situation all around.

 

[daisyduck123]

WAIT A MINUTE....the OP is the same lady who is considering selling some very "questionable" American Girl Dolls on ebay.

This is all starting to make sense to me now.

I think we have a in our midst....our else a very serious, sad situation.

 

[postage stamp]

I never had any curfew at all. I always made sure my parents knew what my plans were, how to reach me (as best as possible in the pre cell phone days) and the latest I could be home--and I never messed that up. I was also the most straight laced kid i knew. I was never in trouble (not because I didn't get caught but because i never did anything wrong). My parents trusted me and I never betrayed that. I do not get the issue so many on the DIS have with you treating your kids like this. If they are doing okay without a curfew why should you set an arbitrary time limit. I really do not see how that differs that much from all the other arbitrary rules people are railing against on this thread.

This was me too. I'd call my parents if we were leaving where we were, call and ask to stay out later and we talk about it. Not ONCE did I ever go somewhere or do something without telling my parents. Half of that was because I realized if I couldn't tell my parents I shouldn't be doing it anyway, and half of it was because I knew if I got caught I'd be in DEEP doo doo.

But my parents were totally awesome. Actually said things to me like "Don't you dare drink. And don't let your friends drink either. but if you DO make that stupid mistake, you better call us because we'd rather have you home alive so we can kill you later."

 

[SaraJayne]

I had no idea it was a blended family for both OP and her DH. I just assumed both her kids were his.

If I'm reading it right, it's his, hers and ours.

 

[golfgal]

Yes. I keep thinking we have a spare room. She could learn German--my DD would help her (having been through it herself not too long ago). I mean, I know that is totally unrealistic, but it is a nice fantasy given the situation.

Thank you (and the half dozen other posters who all seemed to be typing at the same time).



I never had any curfew at all. I always made sure my parents knew what my plans were, how to reach me (as best as possible in the pre cell phone days) and the latest I could be home--and I never messed that up. I was also the most straight laced kid i knew. I was never in trouble (not because I didn't get caught but because i never did anything wrong). My parents trusted me and I never betrayed that. I do not get the issue so many on the DIS have with you treating your kids like this. If they are doing okay without a curfew why should you set an arbitrary time limit. I really do not see how that differs that much from all the other arbitrary rules people are railing against on this thread.

It comes down to trust and like you, our kids have never done anything to lose our trust. The time they come home mainly comes down to who is driving, if we have to pick them up and bring them home, they generally have to come home earlier if we need to be up early the next day, etc. If they are out with friends and someone else is driving, they have to be home by midnight because the town sets that curfew for kids under 18. If you make rules just to make rules so you can feel like a better parent all you are going to run into are kids that are going to push those rules vs having responsible, trustworthy kids.

 

[jen0610]

If her phone and plan won't work where you are, why don't you as a way to welcome her and so she can keep a piece of her life intact, get her a phone on the plan you and DH currently have and know will work in your area.

 

[Cinderella94]

WAIT A MINUTE....the OP is the same lady who is considering selling some very "questionable" American Girl Dolls on ebay.

This is all starting to make sense to me now.

I think we have a in our midst....our else a very serious, sad situation.

Unfortunately I think she's serious about it all .

 

[PrincessBelle39]

I don't normally comment on threads like this but am really feeling for this girl. You need to show her some respect. This will go a long way towards receiving respect from her in return.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It comes down to trust and like you, our kids have never done anything to lose our trust. The time they come home mainly comes down to who is driving, if we have to pick them up and bring them home, they generally have to come home earlier if we need to be up early the next day, etc. If they are out with friends and someone else is driving, they have to be home by midnight because the town sets that curfew for kids under 18. If you make rules just to make rules so you can feel like a better parent all you are going to run into are kids that are going to push those rules vs having responsible, trustworthy kids.

I know we but heads sometimes on the DIS, but on this matter I 100% agree with you

Funny about who is driving. It was pretty normal for me to be telling my parents that I hoped i could get a ride home with Nick or Dave (both had midnight curfews) but worst case scenario was Kelly who would always be willing to drive me but had a 2:00 am curfew (I was NOT a night owl and tried very hard to get home earlier rather than later--except on Rocky Horror nights which were once a month. The show started at midnight. My best friends' grandmother dropped us off at the theatre at 11:30 and picked us up from Perkins at 3:00, that was worth staying up for back then).

 

[wdwmom2]

OP

A lot of posters here, I as well, feel you have resentment against your stepDD. You wouldn't be jealous of her, would you??? Now that she is moving in with you she could be a constant reminder that your DH had a serious relationship before you. And now part of that relationship will be living with you.

I have seen this before. And the step mom tries to totally control the family, particulary the step child. I guess it makes the mom feel better to have high authority over the "other woman"(actually the step child). Clear as mud, huh.

 

[pyrxtc]

when tootsie

 

[pyrxtc]

monkey

 

[pyrxtc]

tigers

 

[Cinderella94]

And many, many people have been ion my house and seen how I do things. Some have even said that they wish their kids were as well behaved and did things they asked.

Since you clearly don't need parenting advice, then, why would you even start this thread AND call it "how would you handle this?"???

 

[punkin]

Too bad that (like a pp suggested) there isn't an Aunt or Grandma or neighbor or anyone who actually loves this girl who would be willing to take her in.

 

[mdsoccermom]

Not even my 8 and 11 year olds have to be in bed by 8:30pm. Heck, most nights they're just getting home from soccer practice then.