How would you feel?

[Nolcrest]

How would I feel?

I would feel that my husband was up to no good, considering where you are in the marriage.

I would feel that he needs to separate personal & business when it comes to facebook.

I would feel that if he wants the marriage to work EVERYTHING needs to be transparent.

I would feel that you both should go for counseling if you haven't already.

I would feel that he really has no interest in saving the marriage.

I would feel betrayed.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Sorry, I'm still stuck on the fact that he "has" to network on Facebook for his job. Most people who network for work use LinkedIn, and at least for me, that is strictly business.

In terms of business networking on Facebook, I either see businesses having their own pages that people "Like" or celebs having a page that you can "Like." I've never once heard of becoming an actual friend with someone for a business reason.

What does your DH do for a living?

This was my thought. Facebook is personal to me, LinkedIn the professional contacts.

 

[discat73]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I think, given everything he has openly said to you about not being sure he wants to be married, that you first have to accept that the marriage you had (past tense had on purpose), particularly the first fifteen years, is effectively over. That doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is over and you have no choice but to divorce or continue living with the fear and uncertainty forever. But I think you owe it to yourself and your kids to really think about what you want. Maybe with a lot of counseling -counseling that your husband is truly committed to - you could rebuild. But you deserve to be happy. And you don't deserve to be treated like that. Maybe he is afraid of what life would be like without you. But that is his mistake to make. Your job is to take care of you.

Hugs.

 

[PatsGirl]

I would feel like he is not invested . You start your story by making excuses for his facebook involvements. I have never met anyone that MUST use their personal social media for business contacts. The friends I have that use social media have separate accounts, email and facebook, etc., they use for that purpose. Its really inappropriate for clients to see personal information and vice versa I think.

I once had a SO of five years that made me think everything was transparent when in fact nothing was. He was a master of deceit. Not saying this is the case with you but trust your instincts, give yourself some credit, make a decision for you and then stick to it.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

OP if my dh ever told me that he does not see a future with me in it but is too afraid to take the plunge and divorce in case HE regrets it later...well no more words would be needed! A marriage is about two people and he has made it all about himself and only his feelings while he keeps you dangling.
Ask yourself if your best friend of 20 years told you that she does not want to continue being friends with you anymore but is afraid to cut ties because she might not find another best friend how would you react? I believe the answer should be more or less the same in both cases.

 

[kamik86]

Given your other info I would be concerned.

However as someone that travels for work alot etc I can see having a facebook friend.
I don't use facebook much but alot of my coworkers are on each others facebook often. I work in a male dominated field (engineering). So if I had most of my coworkers there would be a pretty distinct majority of them male. I do have one I discuss non-work things with however this one person happens to be female so no issues at all.

However when DH was just my fiance and I was in college he did have some trust issues. I was in college 5 hours away in a major that graduated about 80 guys and 3 girls when I graduated. Naturally most of my friends were male. It took him some time to realize that having lunch with one guy after class meant that we both had a break and classes and were hungry... Not that he was trying to sleep with me.

 

[Arielle22]

DH and I have been dealing with trust issues. Mainly I have had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying and once chatting with a woman online he shouldn't have been chatting with and then deleting the thread to hide his trace. He says he has never been unfaithful and I chose to believe him. He has been struggling lately and about a month ago he asked me for a divorce. He has since changed his mind and wants to work things out. We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later. He says he loves me and I honestly don't doubt it.

How would you feel?

I have been married almost 29 years and we have had our rough patches. The one thing I noticed from your post is that it seems to be all about him. How do you feel about this? Will you be able to forgive him for asking for a divorce even though he rescinded it? Will you be able to forgive him for saying he doesn't see a future with you?

DH and I made an agreement that we would never threaten divorce if we didn't mean it. Once one of us decided to leave there would be no going back. So if he ever said he wanted a divorce, I would not give him a take backsie.

I would suggest counseling both individually and together to see if your marriage can be saved. However if he isn't willing to think about you and not just himself then it won't work.

If my DH ever liked a picture of a young woman on Facebook that he met through work, I would point out to him that it may come across as creepy (since he is an older guy) or he may find himself in a complaint at work if it bothers the woman.

 

[handinpocket]

I am a long time Dis'er but I'm now on a new nick, since I will be posting quite a bit about my personal life these days.

I would love to hear your thoughts on something that is going on in my marriage.

DH and I have been dealing with trust issues. Mainly I have had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying and once chatting with a woman online he shouldn't have been chatting with and then deleting the thread to hide his trace. He says he has never been unfaithful and I chose to believe him. He has been struggling lately and about a month ago he asked me for a divorce. He has since changed his mind and wants to work things out. We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later. He says he loves me and I honestly don't doubt it.

DH also travels a lot and a lot of his work revolves around networking. This means that he is constantly adding new people to his online networks. I admit that I have a hard time with him constantly adding new women to Facebook but I do know that it is part of his job. Therefore, when they are business contacts I try to just not think too much about it and just live with it.

However, recently he came home from a trip and a couple of days later I noticed he had a new friend on FB. I asked him who this woman was (a girl in her early twenties, he's 40) and he said she was an employee of one of the guys his was working with in that city and that he had only met her for like 5 minutes at cafe, where they all were gathered. He claimed I had nothing to be worried about and that he had no interest in her whatsoever. He said she had sent him a friends request and he had not given it any further thought when he accepted.

Today I noticed that he had liked one of her photos, a beautiful close up photo of just her and her friend, taken the day he met them.
I feel hurt. I know it's just a photo. But he knows how I feel about these new "friends" at a time when we are going through some very serious issues.
I don't get why he would like a photo with a close up of her face if it wasn't because he thought she looked good. I can't accept that this is part of being "professionally" connected with someone on FB.

How would you feel?

You can't make someone love you. After 20 years, if he is saying that.....I think you have your answer.

 

[Disney Doll]

How would I feel?

I would feel like my husband was playing me for a fool. And I wouldn't like it.

I'd feel like I needed to get my financial ducks in a row because I would soon be being divorced.

I would feel like I needed to get anything of sentimental value out of my house and stored somewhere safe.

I'd feel like I needed to make copies of all my recent tax returns and savings accounts and credit card info and retirement info so I knew exactly how much money we had.

I can tell you that if my husband told me that he wanted a divorce and then changed his mind because he didn't want to regret it later, then I would feel like it was time for a divorce because clearly he doesn't live me... He's just covering his butt til something better comes along and I don't play 2nd fiddle to anyone, least if all some other woman.

That's how I'd feel. YMMV.

 

[LukenDC]

I think that 40 is a tough age for many men. It's an age when men begin to realize that they are getting older. I have a happy life and a strong marriage, and even I was shocked when I realized that I was 40 and what that meant in terms of the rest of my life (remaining life span, physical decline, etc.). Aging triggers introspection, and that in turn can cause anxiety and regret.

I think that it's never a good idea to mix business and personal life online. Your husband should have one Facebook account for business and another one for family and friends. That makes it harder to blur the lines and helps to maintain appropriate boundaries. Or, he can use Facebook for his family and friends and LinkedIn for business, which is what I have done.

Given the lying and inappropriate online contacts, you have a legitimate reason to be suspicious. His asking for a divorce and then changing his mind is a major sign that your marriage is in trouble. If I were in your position, I'd demand counseling. Be prepared to be honest with your feelings and willing to listen to your husband, even when what he says is uncomfortable.

 

[calypso726]

I am a long time Dis'er but I'm now on a new nick, since I will be posting quite a bit about my personal life these days.

I would love to hear your thoughts on something that is going on in my marriage.

DH and I have been dealing with trust issues. Mainly I have had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying and once chatting with a woman online he shouldn't have been chatting with and then deleting the thread to hide his trace. He says he has never been unfaithful and I chose to believe him. He has been struggling lately and about a month ago he asked me for a divorce. He has since changed his mind and wants to work things out. We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later. He says he loves me and I honestly don't doubt it.

How would you feel?

First allow me to say I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this I have felt that type of emotional betrayal from someone I loved. I have heard similar tales of fidelity and "nothing to worry about" relationships which turned out to be lies. I have justified my own loyalty, patience and understanding to someone who didn't deserve it. I lost my sense of self worth and my self confidence along the way. Fortunately, I was able to find it again. So to answer the question. How would I feel ...

had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying

I would feel like I am married to a person, who I cannot trust.

deleting the thread to hide his trace

I would feel like I am married to a person who is deceitful and purposely hides their actions and intents from me.

he asked me for a divorce

I would feel like the person I am married to does not want to be married to me.

We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it

I would feel like due to all of the aforementioned words and actions and conversations that I am married to someone who does not love, value or cherish me. I know I deserve better than that. I would not want this relationship to set an example to my children of what a loving marriage is supposed to look like. I would feel like it is time to wake up to the reality that is my marriage, leave and go find my "happily ever after" while he is still wavering to take the plunge and go find his. This is how I would feel.

 

[tabby1881]

Having been through this fairly recently with a life-long friend, I'm going to take a minute to remind everyone that this woman is really hurting and scared. While you may feel that she needs some possibly 'hard-to-hear' advice, let's try to remember that the tone of the responses should be respectful and empathic. OK, I'm done preaching.

nicely said.

 

[Tink888]

How would I feel?

I'd feel pretty lousy being someone's "maybe" when they are my "forever." I'd feel pretty lousy waiting around for him to decide if I'm worth staying with. I'd feel pretty lousy knowing I was on "probation" while he decided if I was worth it. Then I'd wonder just how long I'm going to have to wait around or am I only waiting until he finds my replacement? Then I'd wonder how many years I'd waste of the present while he wondered if I was going to be in his future? Then I'd wonder why I gave up my power, why I didn't think better of myself and why I didn't think I deserved more.

This

You can't make someone love you. After 20 years, if he is saying that.....I think you have your answer.

And this.

Only you truly know your husband and what you are willing to put up with. I have been married 22 years. Your husband sounds like he wants to push the limits of what you will tolerate while keeping you as his safety net. If it were my husband, I'd show him the door. 20 years of marriage is a huge investment of time and as much as I loved someone, I wouldn't want to invest anymore time into someone who wasn't as invested in me as I was in him. Life is too short.

 

[knkmom]

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this!
If it were me I would be really upset but as far as what I would do, I'm not completely sure. It's always easier to have a thought or opinion about something outside of your own personal world! All I can say is that you will have to decide just how much you are willing to tolerate in your marriage and know that you have to live with whatever decisions you make. I wish you the very best!!

 

[aprilgail2]

OP if my dh ever told me that he does not see a future with me in it but is too afraid to take the plunge and divorce in case HE regrets it later...well no more words would be needed! A marriage is about two people and he has made it all about himself and only his feelings while he keeps you dangling..

I would not hang around to be someones "maybe I will stay if I can't get anyone better" person!

 

[cassandrap83]

I think that as long as the good outweighs the bad that you should work on your marriage (just like you are already doing.)

Also, I would advise your husband to get a LinkedIN account. I am in my early thirties and my generation is VERY tech-savvy. Not one single person I know uses Facebook for business-only contacts.

 

[clh2]

Sorry, I'm still stuck on the fact that he "has" to network on Facebook for his job. Most people who network for work use LinkedIn, and at least for me, that is strictly business.

In terms of business networking on Facebook, I either see businesses having their own pages that people "Like" or celebs having a page that you can "Like." I've never once heard of becoming an actual friend with someone for a business reason.

What does your DH do for a living?

This was what i was wondering too. My facebook friends do not include any coworkers, or any business associates.

 

[kathie859]

This was what i was wondering too. My facebook friends do not include any coworkers, or any business associates.

And this is the part I found really strange, too. I'm recently retired; however, no one with whom I had a business connection did any professional networking on FB. Linked in, yes--FB, liking personal pictures, NO!!

OP, I'm sorry this is your life right now. I sincerely hope you can find a counselor and your husband and you can work thru this nasty patch. I'm going to err on the side of giving him a chance to revisit how he views you as his life partner and for you to try to form the relationship you want and deserve. But I'd put him on notice that I am not happy and things have to change for you both or he won't have to threaten divorce because you'll beat him to it. And if he refuses to acknowledge the damage he's done and your feelings, I think you know your options.

 

[Tinkerbell53]

ScorpioGirl - Sent you a PM.

 

[Wishing on a star]

How would I feel????
I would not want to be accepting of any of this, at all.
What you have described are not the behaviors, words, actions, or attitudes, of a committed or trustworthy person.

I wouldn't have to have cold, hard, proof, after the fact, of any really truly clear infidelity.

The thing is.... At my age, I also know that there are a LOT of woman who are in a position where they simply cannot (or feel very very strongly that they cannot) leave a marriage. There might not be anywhere for them to go. They 'learn to accept' a LOT.

Whether you choose to stay, for the sake of staying... Or.... yes, you could continue on, as you have been, risking him finally, tomorrow, or next week, or next year, deciding to divorce you and change the locks... That is a very personal decision. And, I would not begin to give you any specific advice.

My words of advice???? I know that hope springs eternal. But, at this point... where you are at, after 20 years... I would caution you very VERY strongly against 'hoping' and continued commitment and emotional commitment, that is based just on a possibility that he makes up his mind, finally, that he does love you, that he is able to 'be married', and that he is committed.

PS: I do not go with 'putting on notice', or demands/ultimatums, either.... One can not control another persons attitudes, and even actions. Only your own. OP, you need to decide what attitudes and actions YOU are going to take. You need to look it from the angle of, what can you accept, what do you want to do... what do you need to do to be at peace and happy in your own life.... Not, what are you going to make/force him to do.