How would you feel?

[ronandannette]

I hope the OP comes back with some response to the input. I'd especially like to know if they (either separately or as a couple) have considered or already tried counselling.

 

[Judique]

I am a long time Dis'er but I'm now on a new nick, since I will be posting quite a bit about my personal life these days.

I would love to hear your thoughts on something that is going on in my marriage.

DH and I have been dealing with trust issues. Mainly I have had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying and once chatting with a woman online he shouldn't have been chatting with and then deleting the thread to hide his trace. He says he has never been unfaithful and I chose to believe him. He has been struggling lately and about a month ago he asked me for a divorce. He has since changed his mind and wants to work things out. We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later. He says he loves me and I honestly don't doubt it.

DH also travels a lot and a lot of his work revolves around networking. This means that he is constantly adding new people to his online networks. I admit that I have a hard time with him constantly adding new women to Facebook but I do know that it is part of his job. Therefore, when they are business contacts I try to just not think too much about it and just live with it.

However, recently he came home from a trip and a couple of days later I noticed he had a new friend on FB. I asked him who this woman was (a girl in her early twenties, he's 40) and he said she was an employee of one of the guys his was working with in that city and that he had only met her for like 5 minutes at cafe, where they all were gathered. He claimed I had nothing to be worried about and that he had no interest in her whatsoever. He said she had sent him a friends request and he had not given it any further thought when he accepted.

Today I noticed that he had liked one of her photos, a beautiful close up photo of just her and her friend, taken the day he met them.
I feel hurt. I know it's just a photo. But he knows how I feel about these new "friends" at a time when we are going through some very serious issues.
I don't get why he would like a photo with a close up of her face if it wasn't because he thought she looked good. I can't accept that this is part of being "professionally" connected with someone on FB.

How would you feel?

I can tell you how it felt when it happened to me.

I felt as if the bottom fell out of my world.

I was literally sick to my stomach.

5 weeks later, I closed on my new home and moved there with my kids.

I've never turned back and have no regrets.

 

[JillJAddisonn]

I think that it might be the sign of the first cracks starting to appear in a relationship. However, that does not mean that it cannot be mended. Who knows what is going through his head (though I would not like to speculate) I hope that OP delivers an update but I for one am mighty curious.

 

[RadioNate]

How would I feel????
I would not want to be accepting of any of this, at all.
What you have described are not the behaviors, words, actions, or attitudes, of a committed or trustworthy person.

I wouldn't have to have cold, hard, proof, after the fact, of any really truly clear infidelity.

The thing is.... At my age, I also know that there are a LOT of woman who are in a position where they simply cannot (or feel very very strongly that they cannot) leave a marriage. There might not be anywhere for them to go. They 'learn to accept' a LOT.

Whether you choose to stay, for the sake of staying... Or.... yes, you could continue on, as you have been, risking him finally, tomorrow, or next week, or next year, deciding to divorce you and change the locks... That is a very personal decision. And, I would not begin to give you any specific advice.

My words of advice???? I know that hope springs eternal. But, at this point... where you are at, after 20 years... I would caution you very VERY strongly against 'hoping' and continued commitment and emotional commitment, that is based just on a possibility that he makes up his mind, finally, that he does love you, that he is able to 'be married', and that he is committed.

PS: I do not go with 'putting on notice', or demands/ultimatums, either.... One can not control another persons attitudes, and even actions. Only your own. OP, you need to decide what attitudes and actions YOU are going to take. You need to look it from the angle of, what can you accept, what do you want to do... what do you need to do to be at peace and happy in your own life.... Not, what are you going to make/force him to do.

As someone who has BTDT, I wanted to say that I agree. In hindsight I wish I wouldn't have accepted so much just because I had already invested so much. KWIM?

I can tell you how it felt when it happened to me.

I felt as if the bottom fell out of my world.

I was literally sick to my stomach.

5 weeks later, I closed on my new home and moved there with my kids.

I've never turned back and have no regrets.

I also wanted to reply to this and say that I too am happier. My regrets are that I didn't leave sooner. That I tried so hard to save a marriage and family with a "partner" who was not invested in us at all. That I wasted the time I did, instead of moving on with my life. It took a while. It is still a work in progress but I am happier and more at peace now than I ever remember being during my 12 year marriage.

No, I am not financially as well off. I do not have the "status" I once had. Not even close. But I am able to me ME and that is worth more than all those other things.

 

[Bluestars]

If this happened to me and I wanted to save my marriage, I would want to know why my husband asked for a divorce. I would want to know specific things that are lacking in our marriage that led him to this point and to the current point of doubt. Some things can be worked out and improved and some things can't. I would want to know.

If my husband deleted a chat with another woman, then it would be clear to me that he was being inappropriate.

The adding of women to Facebook doesn't happen because both my husband and I only add family and friends. We don't add coworkers or business associates.

I would insist on marriage counseling if I wanted to save my marriage. I would not just sit back and wait for my spouse to decide whether or not I was worth it.

Good luck. I hope you can work it out.

As far as having all of those years invested in a marriage, it seems like the future would be a better investment.

 

[ZachnElli]

How would I feel????
I would not want to be accepting of any of this, at all.
What you have described are not the behaviors, words, actions, or attitudes, of a committed or trustworthy person.

I wouldn't have to have cold, hard, proof, after the fact, of any really truly clear infidelity.

The thing is.... At my age, I also know that there are a LOT of woman who are in a position where they simply cannot (or feel very very strongly that they cannot) leave a marriage. There might not be anywhere for them to go. They 'learn to accept' a LOT.

Whether you choose to stay, for the sake of staying... Or.... yes, you could continue on, as you have been, risking him finally, tomorrow, or next week, or next year, deciding to divorce you and change the locks... That is a very personal decision. And, I would not begin to give you any specific advice.

My words of advice???? I know that hope springs eternal. But, at this point... where you are at, after 20 years... I would caution you very VERY strongly against 'hoping' and continued commitment and emotional commitment, that is based just on a possibility that he makes up his mind, finally, that he does love you, that he is able to 'be married', and that he is committed.

PS: I do not go with 'putting on notice', or demands/ultimatums, either.... One can not control another persons attitudes, and even actions. Only your own. OP, you need to decide what attitudes and actions YOU are going to take. You need to look it from the angle of, what can you accept, what do you want to do... what do you need to do to be at peace and happy in your own life.... Not, what are you going to make/force him to do.

I agree with all this. This happened to my now ex-sil. It started just like the OP, chatting online, one woman he was too personal with, the other very sexually explicit. He didn't want to be married anymore, then he did, back and forth and back and forth. She learned to accept alot, she stopped asking questions, completely lost herself just trying to keep the marriage together. A year ago he packed a suitcase and told her and their 3 kids he was leaving, right then and he did. She has found herself again and so glad the roller coaster is over. They were married 20 years. So sorry Scorpiogirl, you are going thru this!

 

[havaneselover]

As someone who has BTDT, I wanted to say that I agree. In hindsight I wish I wouldn't have accepted so much just because I had already invested so much. KWIM?



I also wanted to reply to this and say that I too am happier. My regrets are that I didn't leave sooner. That I tried so hard to save a marriage and family with a "partner" who was not invested in us at all. That I wasted the time I did, instead of moving on with my life. It took a while. It is still a work in progress but I am happier and more at peace now than I ever remember being during my 12 year marriage.

No, I am not financially as well off. I do not have the "status" I once had. Not even close. But I am able to me ME and that is worth more than all those other things.

I could have written this too!

I put up with way too much after my ex told me (over the phone) that he wanted out. I begged him to go to stay and to go to counseling. I've learned that some people don't believe in counseling and nothing is going to convince them that it's worthwhile. I was so scared my kids would be ruined. And I didn't want to be alone. But what happened between when he told me that and when he actually left did tremendous damage to me. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. There's a radio host I like who used to be on KLove and her husband told her he wanted to leave and her best friend came over and and told her husband not to make it hard on her, just to leave. How I wished I had a friend who had done that for me.

And I too am happier. Being in an unhappy relationship is so much worse than not being in a relationship. Financially I struggle. I had to move and go back to work full time. But it's my life and I'm slowly coming to accept it and appreciate my job, my new home, and the time I do have with my children (honestly that is by far the worst part).

ETA: I was told during this that there was no one else. Everyone told me that probably wasn't the case. Within a few months after moving out he was basically living with an employee who he subsequently married.