How would you feel?

[ScorpioGirl]

I am a long time Dis'er but I'm now on a new nick, since I will be posting quite a bit about my personal life these days.

I would love to hear your thoughts on something that is going on in my marriage.

DH and I have been dealing with trust issues. Mainly I have had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying and once chatting with a woman online he shouldn't have been chatting with and then deleting the thread to hide his trace. He says he has never been unfaithful and I chose to believe him. He has been struggling lately and about a month ago he asked me for a divorce. He has since changed his mind and wants to work things out. We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later. He says he loves me and I honestly don't doubt it.

DH also travels a lot and a lot of his work revolves around networking. This means that he is constantly adding new people to his online networks. I admit that I have a hard time with him constantly adding new women to Facebook but I do know that it is part of his job. Therefore, when they are business contacts I try to just not think too much about it and just live with it.

However, recently he came home from a trip and a couple of days later I noticed he had a new friend on FB. I asked him who this woman was (a girl in her early twenties, he's 40) and he said she was an employee of one of the guys his was working with in that city and that he had only met her for like 5 minutes at cafe, where they all were gathered. He claimed I had nothing to be worried about and that he had no interest in her whatsoever. He said she had sent him a friends request and he had not given it any further thought when he accepted.

Today I noticed that he had liked one of her photos, a beautiful close up photo of just her and her friend, taken the day he met them.
I feel hurt. I know it's just a photo. But he knows how I feel about these new "friends" at a time when we are going through some very serious issues.
I don't get why he would like a photo with a close up of her face if it wasn't because he thought she looked good. I can't accept that this is part of being "professionally" connected with someone on FB.

How would you feel?

 

[EMom]

Him "liking" a pic is the least of your worries. He is not committed to your marriage. This happened to a relative of mine years ago. Her husband "didn't know if he was really MEANT to be married." Well tough, he WAS married. He would go through these episodes and she'd be left wondering if he was about to walk out. He'd waffle and then decide to stay....for a while. Until the next "am I meant to be married?" crisis hit.

He had the opportunity to meet many women through his job and yes, he cheated. Yes, he lied about it. Make of that what you will.

Finally, she told him to decide once and for all if he was in or out. And if he ever waffled again, she would end the marriage and decide for him. Oh, he was in. Yes, he was committed to the marriage. For another year....and then he had another crisis. She filed for divorce and never looked back.

She summed it up this way. I was in my late 20s. I did not want to be living this same crap when I was 30, 40, 50, 60. I wanted to be married to someone who wanted to be married, and if he didn't, it was time for me to move on with my life or accept that my future was going to be the SOS for decades to come.

You may have married her ex-husband. You are a wife, not a place holder. Do you want to live this way the rest of your life?

 

[JanaDee]

I am a long time Dis'er but I'm now on a new nick, since I will be posting quite a bit about my personal life these days.

I would love to hear your thoughts on something that is going on in my marriage.

DH and I have been dealing with trust issues. Mainly I have had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying and once chatting with a woman online he shouldn't have been chatting with and then deleting the thread to hide his trace. He says he has never been unfaithful and I chose to believe him. He has been struggling lately and about a month ago he asked me for a divorce. He has since changed his mind and wants to work things out. We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later. He says he loves me and I honestly don't doubt it.

DH also travels a lot and a lot of his work revolves around networking. This means that he is constantly adding new people to his online networks. I admit that I have a hard time with him constantly adding new women to Facebook but I do know that it is part of his job. Therefore, when they are business contacts I try to just not think too much about it and just live with it.

However, recently he came home from a trip and a couple of days later I noticed he had a new friend on FB. I asked him who this woman was (a girl in her early twenties, he's 40) and he said she was an employee of one of the guys his was working with in that city and that he had only met her for like 5 minutes at cafe, where they all were gathered. He claimed I had nothing to be worried about and that he had no interest in her whatsoever. He said she had sent him a friends request and he had not given it any further thought when he accepted.

Today I noticed that he had liked one of her photos, a beautiful close up photo of just her and her friend, taken the day he met them.
I feel hurt. I know it's just a photo. But he knows how I feel about these new "friends" at a time when we are going through some very serious issues.
I don't get why he would like a photo with a close up of her face if it wasn't because he thought she looked good. I can't accept that this is part of being "professionally" connected with someone on FB.

How would you feel?

I don't tolerate wishy-washy people, which is what your husband is doing to you.

It is a way to keep you hanging on while he has moved on. He is not committed to you or your marriage.

 

[cabanafrau]

How would I feel? Like I was living as if I were a middle or high school girlfriend, stalking my boyfriend's Facebook page to make sure he was still my boyfriend.

That wouldn't work for me.

 

[ScorpioGirl]

How would I feel? Like I was living as if I were a middle or high school girlfriend, stalking my boyfriend's Facebook page to make sure he was still my boyfriend.

That wouldn't work for me.

So that wouldn't work for you? Obviously it's not working for me either. However I don't believe that life is either black or white. I do believe our marriage is worth working on, instead of throwing 20 years and the home of our children down the drain...

 

[topolino]

I am a long time Dis'er but I'm now on a new nick, since I will be posting quite a bit about my personal life these days.

I would love to hear your thoughts on something that is going on in my marriage.

DH and I have been dealing with trust issues. Mainly I have had a hard time trusting him due to some things he has done in the past in terms of lying and once chatting with a woman online he shouldn't have been chatting with and then deleting the thread to hide his trace. He says he has never been unfaithful and I chose to believe him. He has been struggling lately and about a month ago he asked me for a divorce. He has since changed his mind and wants to work things out. We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later. He says he loves me and I honestly don't doubt it.

DH also travels a lot and a lot of his work revolves around networking. This means that he is constantly adding new people to his online networks. I admit that I have a hard time with him constantly adding new women to Facebook but I do know that it is part of his job. Therefore, when they are business contacts I try to just not think too much about it and just live with it.

However, recently he came home from a trip and a couple of days later I noticed he had a new friend on FB. I asked him who this woman was (a girl in her early twenties, he's 40) and he said she was an employee of one of the guys his was working with in that city and that he had only met her for like 5 minutes at cafe, where they all were gathered. He claimed I had nothing to be worried about and that he had no interest in her whatsoever. He said she had sent him a friends request and he had not given it any further thought when he accepted.

Today I noticed that he had liked one of her photos, a beautiful close up photo of just her and her friend, taken the day he met them.
I feel hurt. I know it's just a photo. But he knows how I feel about these new "friends" at a time when we are going through some very serious issues.
I don't get why he would like a photo with a close up of her face if it wasn't because he thought she looked good. I can't accept that this is part of being "professionally" connected with someone on FB.

How would you feel?

The line I bolded is a bit unsettling. Who's to say who he should or shouldn't be chatting with? He's an adult, correct? I'm not saying your husband's behavior has been perfectly acceptable, but this along with some other things you've mentioned makes me wonder if you aren't a bit suffocating and obsessive.

 

[swanmom]

Having been through this fairly recently with a life-long friend, I'm going to take a minute to remind everyone that this woman is really hurting and scared. While you may feel that she needs some possibly 'hard-to-hear' advice, let's try to remember that the tone of the responses should be respectful and empathic. OK, I'm done preaching.

 

[cabanafrau]

So that wouldn't work for you? Obviously it's not working for me either. However I don't believe that life is either black or white. I do believe our marriage is worth working on, instead of throwing 20 years and the home of our children down the drain...

I answered the question as posed, how would "I" feel. We are different people and therefore your mileage may vary, however in my experience in order to work on a marriage it requires two parties to be in the marriage. Doesn't get much more black and white than in or out.

 

[JanaDee]

So that wouldn't work for you? Obviously it's not working for me either. However I don't believe that life is either black or white. I do believe our marriage is worth working on, instead of throwing 20 years and the home of our children down the drain...

One person can't make a marriage work alone.

 

[ScorpioGirl]

The line I bolded is a bit unsettling. Who's to say who he should or shouldn't be chatting with? He's an adult, correct? I'm not saying your husband's behavior has been perfectly acceptable, but this along with some other things you've mentioned makes me wonder if you aren't a bit suffocating and obsessive.

I can totally see why you would say that. To tell you the truth, he's the one who felt he shouldn't be chatting to her and says that that is why he stopped and deleted the chat. Apart from that we have always had total transparency regarding our computers/phones. Everything has always been open and both can see what the other one is up to. I don't have his password (although he has mine) so it's not like I'm spying on everything he does.

The part of being suffocating and obsessive is also partially true. I have never been a jealous person and for the first 15 years of our marriage I never felt I had the need to. But after he started lying to me, doubting our marriage and then telling me he loves me and that I have nothing to be worried about I have become utterly confused. This confusion has unfortunately led to me being very insecure about him and quite obsessive.

 

[Luvchefmic]

So that wouldn't work for you? Obviously it's not working for me either. However I don't believe that life is either black or white. I do believe our marriage is worth working on, instead of throwing 20 years and the home of our children down the drain...

I'm sorry you are going through this, however my opinion is that when it comes to marriage vows it is black and white. Of course there are exceptions: people have to decide for themselves what that would be.

You get married you are making a commitment. A husband or a wife should not be saying, " Hmm I'm not really sure if I am in this for life". That's not fair. Is marriage counseling an option for the two of you ?

 

[JanaDee]

I can totally see why you would say that. To tell you the truth, he's the one who felt he shouldn't be chatting to her and says that that is why he stopped and deleted the chat. Apart from that we have always had total transparency regarding our computers/phones. Everything has always been open and both can see what the other one is up to. I don't have his password (although he has mine) so it's not like I'm spying on everything he does.

The part of being suffocating and obsessive is also partially true. I have never been a jealous person and for the first 15 years of our marriage I never felt I had the need to. But after he started lying to me, doubting our marriage and then telling me he loves me and that I have nothing to be worried about I have become utterly confused. This confusion has unfortunately led to me being very insecure about him and quite obsessive.

He has your passwords, but you don't have his? Why? Change your passwords. Today.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It would make me feel like that isn't how I want my life to be.

I'm sorry.

 

[Jkpark]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I agree with counseling if you would both really try. In addition to him figuring out if he is in or out and committing to that, you need to figure out if you can trust him. With his job, and a lack of trust, it will not be an easy road for you even if re-commits to the marriage. Best of luck to you.

 

[HM]

Your husband uses Facebook to keep up with work contacts?
I find that weird and it's really the thing that popped out for me (other than his wishy-washy behavior about your marriage).

I hope you are able to get to a place that's good for you. pixies.

 

[Missy1961]

So that wouldn't work for you? Obviously it's not working for me either. However I don't believe that life is either black or white. I do believe our marriage is worth working on, instead of throwing 20 years and the home of our children down the drain...

Honestly, you asked how people would feel. If you aren't prepared to respect all the answers you're going to get, back out now. Ask for this thread to be locked and maybe even erased. Because you will get many different opinions here - and you need to remember you asked for them.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I think you can't have a marriage without trust.

I have always felt that if a time ever comes that DH ever questions his feelings for me, then that's the end. It's not fair to either person if both aren't in it 100%.

As for being upset that he "liked" some girl's photo... That screams insecure to me(and you seem justified to feel that way so please don't take that as an insult). Insecurity isn't a good look for anyone and I think it really causes problems for both people in the marriage.

 

[Hillbeans]

I can totally see why you would say that. To tell you the truth, he's the one who felt he shouldn't be chatting to her and says that that is why he stopped and deleted the chat. Apart from that we have always had total transparency regarding our computers/phones. Everything has always been open and both can see what the other one is up to. I don't have his password (although he has mine) so it's not like I'm spying on everything he does.

I am sorry you are going through this. He is testing the waters though, so to speak. Deleting a chat with a total stranger so you don't see the evidence is a red flag. The fact he asked for a divorce and now recanted is also a red flag. Many times, and in my own situation, the spouse who wants to leave has another relationship lined up before they go. There is no longer any trust.

You need to either ask for total transparency to keep the marriage going or you're just going to be driving yourself crazy looking at his online activity.

 

[ScorpioGirl]

Honestly, you asked how people would feel. If you aren't prepared to respect all the answers you're going to get, back out now. Ask for this thread to be locked and maybe even erased. Because you will get many different opinions here - and you need to remember you asked for them.

No need to lock it or erase it. I am very thankful for all the different opinions I get here. I was just responding back. I think you may have misunderstood my "tone". There were no hard feelings.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do you want to do? That is the million dollar question.

You could sit on this and note his behavior. See if his actions match his words. Listen with your eyes as well as your head and heart.

Give yourself some time to chill a bit to sort things out in your head. Actually not a bad idea considering he did ask you for a divorce. You may feel like you are living in an alternate reality at the moment.

You could also prepare yourself (financially/legally) in case he asks for a divorce again. Considering the circumstances you posted here, I think it would be a smart thing to do. You stated you have children and you have to look out for them as well as yourself.

(HUGS)